My Journey to You by TheAlien09

1. Again (Chapter Title)
Contemporary Romance (Genre)
Family (Themes)
Third Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.31.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Contemporary Romance)
- clear time period (Unknown, possibly the present)
- clear MC (Aella)
- few characters introduced (too many: Aella, Mother, Michael, Tristan, Kristan, Sean, Mary, Diago)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)

There's a lot to unpack in one chapter and it appears that each aspect of this big story is vying for the reader's attention. In the end, it's hard to focus on one because so many parts come into play. We start off with her breaking up with a fling. That in itself is already a big story though it is brushed aside rather casually. Why did she feel this was different? Why did this one matter to her? How often had she been through this? Did she lose anything from this encounter? Did this reflect on her family problems? Did she put more importance on him because she wanted desperately to find some sense of family or love, even from a stranger, because her own home-life was so unfulfilling?

We don't know. And we won't find out as we take the scenic route uptown.

As someone who grew up poor, the 'poor little rich girl' story is a tough sell for me so I'll put that out there immediately. A rough family life isn't a stranger and in that regard I could find a slight connection. In the end though, being reminded of her opulence yet again, for me personally, took away from her home issue. It had me wondering about any poor girl who has a sick mother she can't afford to get treatment for. I don't think this will affect other readers as it affects me so please take this with a grain of salt.

We learn a lot more about her parents than we learn about the MC. From the party to her home, she was a secondary character in her own story. We learn nothing about her. Absolutely nothing. Is that intentional to add to her mystery and intrigue? Is there a surprise awaiting us the further along we go? Why is she called Dawson but this is the Evans house. Is that her mother's maiden name?

Speaking of names. There were a lot to take in. When that Ron, Jon, Sean thing happened I was in a free-fall. More names to keep track of and names for characters that don't matter in the big scheme of things. It's up to you if you want to keep them all but it brought a highlight to parts of the story that I was sure wouldn't be revisited later on. As of now, I am unsure who is important and who isn't as the characters she passed receive a name yet her mother does not. Does this mean her mother plays a small part? The servants have a bigger role? If that is the case, then no worries. But if this is a false takeaway, it requires a second look.

Regarding the story, I am unsure what the plot is. What is the problem for the MC to solve? What can we, the reader, expect going forward? Magic, murder, mercenaries, mayhem? How can we know this will come? What hints do we get? As of now, I'd say the MC fails to stick the landing with regards to hooking the reader. Some might carry on to chapter two (because there were few technical errors) but chapter 2 will have to do a lot more work to keep people pushing forward. Without reading chapter 2, myself, I cannot comment further than this. As for me, the MC started off assertive but moved like a ghost, putting her spotlight on everyone else (everything else) around her. It's hard to follow a phantom.

P.S. Great cover by the way.

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LynaForge