Automation Era: The Battlefield by Anyone187

[1] darts and distance (Chapter Title)
Science Fiction (Genre)
What it is to be human (Themes)
First Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.19.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Science Fiction)
- clear time period (Unknown, possibly the future)
- clear MC (Jake)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Jake, Scarlett, Techno, Epsilon)
- tension / suspense (moderate but sputters)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)

Full disclosure, this critique won't be of much use to you in the big scheme of things and that's because you are still writing. This is a first draft. It reads like a first draft and it does everything a first draft should. Editing it now might hamper your efforts going forward. It'd be like trimming a budding tree. Once it's fully formed and you can see the useless, inconvenient branches, then yes, you can cut them away without trouble. But cutting them out now at this stage might be detrimental.

There's a lot to unpack in this one little story. We meet Jake and his sister Scarlett. A few things don't become immediately clear. One is how old they are or what's being done to them. It's stated that this happens to everyone at 16, but if Jake's 16, then isn't Scarlett 16, too? But they were never identified as twins. And if she's older, does this mean it happens every year? And WHAT exactly IS happening to them?

If they are unsure, that's fine but can they guess and give the reader a taste of what's to come? I will give one warning: Jake reads like an unreliable narrator. That's fine if it's done with intention but a real problem if it's not. More than likely, this is a consequence of the first draft, things that are stated in a dramatic way, are immediately walked back and made casual. For example:

The significance of what Scarlett was undergoing (Jake's playing darts with the door)

The significance of their 'bot parents' and how they aren't enough

The significance of leaving the bot parents behind without a goodbye (indicating he'd grown out of them and their artificial show of affection)

The significance of 'his turn' being so daunting that his heart's racing.

The significance of Epsilon and what he's done and what he's capable of.

The significance of Scarlett's struggles.

All of these are presented in a very surprisingly impactful way...which is IMMEDIATELY undermined or erased. But this is a first draft and that's allowed.

The writer's still finding out about this world. The writer is still getting to know the characters so in that regard, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the contradictions, IF they are addressed in the chapters going forward or the rewrite.

As of now, Jake reads a bit flat but Scarlett's a bigger worry. It's hard to pin down her personality with how inconsistent her actions were. She's presented as struggling despite the futility. But in the end, she talks to the head-robot killer like he was a regular person. Is she scared? Isn't she? And why? What does this world look like for humans? How many were left? How many were subjected to this trial? What IS this trial?

In this chapter, the TRIAL is the focus. What it is and what it means for Jake and his sister. I LOVED so many of the concepts such as the robot parents. What a neat idea. There's so much to unpack there. So the potential is endless.

In the end, the chapter had a lot of inconsistencies, muddled information, data dumps, redundant phrasing, and potential plot holes. So as a chapter, it needs more work, but as a malleable rough DRAFT, it's absolutely perfect. That's what it's supposed to look like and it's the PERFECT fertile ground for a rich new world. I wouldn't edit it just yet, not until you know more about this story. Once it fully forms, however, you must go back through and do some house cleaning.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

(LynaForge)