desiderium ━ bhna. by kaelin541

✧ - 𝟎𝟎 (Chapter Title)
Fan Fiction (Genre)
Beyond Mortals (Themes)
First Person Present (ridiculously smooth)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.12.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Fan Fiction)
- clear time period (unknown)
- clear MC (unsure)
- few characters introduced (few: female protagonist, male protagonist)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (not clearly defined)

Disclaimer: I did not realize this was fanfic, and disclaimer, I could have easily believed it was an original story. But knowing it's fanfic also changes my view on the work entirely. Let me just say again, that I can't believe how young you are and that you are able to write like this. In fact, I'm starting to suspect you of plagiarism. I say that as a good thing. And mostly to cover my own ass. Hahahaha. That's how good the writing is.

There are a lot of things to fix but for now, let me fluff up that ego and let you know the things I liked about your writing.

Flow. The absolute POETRY and rhythm of the flow really lulls me. In fact, after I'm done reading, a residual emotion lingers for some time. When they say food for the soul, it's no joke. Reading your words is fun. It's not just fun, it's like art running along a canvass, dragging a beautiful, sensual picture from the recesses of our soul. Right now you focus on good feelings but I fear that if you truly wanted to, you could leave your readers quivering in fear with those carefully arranged words.

Your endings. The endings are so impactful. You certainly know how to make a grand entrance in a story and a grand closing. This is what helps the lingering effect. It also instantly grabs hold of your reader. Whether or not it can keep the reader is yet another issue we'll come to, but for now, let's focus on the positives. Because you have the talent to start and finish scenes well, you really do have a lot of leeway for the middle bits if you are careful.

Beautiful prose like yours is hard to find (not just on wattpad) and if you harness it well this early, I sincerely think we'll all be bowing at your feet eventually, as we should.

Now that the good is out of the way, let's get to the bad. The problem with the bad is that it cannot be helped due to your age. I hate to say it like that, but it's the truth. You write fanfiction right now and it doesn't read like fanfic right away. That's both good and bad. Fanfic ISN'T supposed to read original. Not really. It's supposed to copy the style of the original story. This is the second fanfic of yours I've read and I must say that it's failed to do that. Which says to me that you are probably using this as a stepping stone to build up the courage for your own characters and your own world. This is a good thing. It's okay if the fanfic isn't exactly like the original, that might just be your body trying to take a leap your mind isn't yet prepared for. Give it time.

That being said, because it's fanfic and I don't know the story, I can't tell if you did a good job or a bad job. I can only judge it with a wide lens. I enjoyed it. I truly did. It was more streamlined than the other Naruto one I saw from you. But there's another problem that arises. Fanfic is supposed to create NEW stories within the universe of the original story. You haven't done that. Instead, you've taken scenes that have already played out,and you've expanded on them or given them more depth. I'm not sure if this is a good idea. I, personally, liked it, but I'm not your actual audience. Your audience is other fans of this anime and they probably know ALL these scenes already. Would they really like to rehash these scene again? Or wouldn't they like a new story of your making that takes place in this world?

Speaking of story. The structure of this story is a concern; a real concern. If you ever find yourself unable to move forward in writing a story, that means the plot has gotten away from you. You, at the moment, don't write with a plot in mind. Instead, an idea comes and you immediately jot it down. I think this is the best way for a new writer. Plotters are a different breed to Pansters. You appear to be a Panster and as such, you can only write and write and write until you're empty. Then give it a moment to settle and then go back through and separate what is useful from what is not. I don't think you have done that yet. Because while a lot of these two chapters were BEAUTIFULLY written, they were ultimately plot-killers. It's like having a stick of dynamite being used for a birthday candle. It's amazingly impactful, but not appropriate for what you need it to do. That little dinkity birthday candle might not compare to your TNT but it does what you need it to (sometimes less is more).

My advice to you is not DO NOT cut anything YET. DO NOT edit anything yet. Just write. Write it anyway you want. Get it outta your skull. And once you have nothing left in you, let it settle (move on to something else). Later on, come back with fresh eyes and CHOP. IT. UP. Yes, even the BRILLIANT bits. Those get chopped, too. Because a story has to adhere to certain rules.

Do you KNOW how many amazing scenes had to be sacrificed for the good of a story? MANY. If you're lucky, you can recycle them and use them in other books or elsewhere in the story. But oftentimes, you cannot. They don't call it 'killing the darlings' for nothing.

For now, write. Create—write until there's nothing left. AND THEN you slaughter.

You're always welcomed to come back around my way. I personally like seeing what you conjure up. Keep at it. You're off to a great start. And when you're ready to try an original fic, know that you've already got one fan named Ashlyn Forge. I'll be there with bells on.

P.S. the fact that you are able to write First Person Present so well still has me reeling. That is DIFFICULT to pull off well. Good job!

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

Fairy Tale Retelling (LynaForge)