Once Upon A Halloween... By The_Potato_Writer

Chapter 1: The Almighty Drac Styx (Chapter Title)
Occult | Kids (Genre)
Good vs. Evil (Themes)
First Person Present (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.09.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Occult | Kids)
- clear time period (unknown)
- clear MC (Drac Styx)
- few characters introduced (few: Drac Styx, Glenda)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (not clearly defined)

It's not every day that I run into a book that breaks the fourth wall. I can see why you chose that style for this certain character. There's just something very exhilarating about being in the bad guy's head once in a while. In this instance, we really have no idea who is going to win.

Will it be the classic good guy wins, in which case, we get the rare perspective of seeing things from the defeated end. Or will we stick to the typical design of a book (the average design) where the MC is the driving force and therefore ultimately the victor?

I love that we have no idea.

Personally, I thought this book was very fun. The MC was unique and somewhat funny. I don't think all the jokes landed, but I also don't think they have to.

I'll be blunt and say that for a book that starts off by boasting to NOT be cliche, it then proceeds to fall out of the cliche tree and hit every branch on the way down. Glenda? The good witch's name is...Glenda? Like Glenda the Good Witch of the North from The Wizard of Oz? I wasn't sure if it was a parody. Either way, that didn't take away from the fun of the chapter.

If it is a retelling, the new point of view can offer a lot to the reader as well. There weren't many grammar problems. Though I do think you need to google the term 'comma splice' and learn more about them. There were quite a few. Also, because we don't really interact with other characters, it was hard to see where the story might have been going. Was there someone on the scene now who threatened our MC's apple cart?

At the end of the day, it was an easy read. If it's meant for a younger audience, I think children can really enjoy the voice you've used for it. An older audience could probably have a good time, too, if it has a few twists that we didn't see coming.

It was an easy read and depending on who your target audience is (for kids, it's great, for adults, maybe a bit more hints as to the main conflict or opponent), you've got a real winner.

But I suspect...you already knew that.

P.S. I made you some covers you didn't ask for. Let me know if you'd like to have them.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

A Fairy Tale retelling (LynaForge)