Your Voice by MonicaNguon

- 1 - One (Chapter Title)
Contemporary (Genre)
Career vs. Family (Themes)
Third Person Limited (consistent)
Suspense level (🌗🌚🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.05.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Contemporary)
- clear time period (modern)
- clear MC (Loreley)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Michael, Sarah, the other twin (sorry, I can't remember her name))
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (not clearly defined)

When I started doing critiques it wasn't for any specific endeavor or from the goodness of my heart. I did it because I wanted to catch a flame—to figure out why some things worked and others didn't. That's why my current works read differently from my earlier ones like the ones you critiqued. Perception's first chapter was written in August 2020, while The Difference was written five years ago.

Somewhere along the line, people started really taking my words to heart. I know it's not because of any special expertise I impart on them, but rather, because I give them what I, myself, want: honesty without making them want to throw themselves into the ocean.

So understand when I say I don't take this task of critiquing lightly. People are bringing something they treasure to me, something ripped from the very fabric of their souls—their offspring, their babies, and asking me to potentially slap their child in the face.

I usually don't have to, thank goodness. But once in a while...a time or two comes along where I not only have to slap their babies, but I have to take a running start before I do.

As of now, I've backed up half a mile, and I'm heading your way.

You might want to sit down for this critique. I'm approaching this body of work to what is akin to finding a heart murmur or a pulse irregularity on page three that might wreck your day.

Let's start with the positives because there are quite a few. You are a seasoned writer and it shows. You know your grammar and punctuation and that shows, too. Despite all that, reaching the end of your chapter was not a smooth process.

There are a few patterns you fall into throughout the chapter but these are not new to authors. Everyone has something they reach for in excess that they know to look out for in edits. I pointed out those to you. So now that I've said all this, let me give the disclaimer that from here on out, it's no longer a technical critique, it's my personal thoughts about the story.

Your profile said you have kids. I have them, too, so when I read this, I felt there was a lot I SHOULD relate to. You have the talent and you put it on display from the very first word. The way you write made me want to continue. But there's a danger when writing about family and child rearing if you go into too much detail. Remember the first time you told a friend she shouldn't let her one-year-old drink coffee and she told you to go to hell?

Yeah.

It was like that.

The more you put the child-rearing aspect on display, the more it's likely to clash with the methods and beliefs of every reader that picks up the story who doesn't share your EXACT culture. Others might agree with some aspects you try to highlight as 'bad' and end up taking offense. So the more you go into the nitty-gritty of raising the children, instead of pulling the reader in, you actually end up repelling them. Then it becomes a tar baby. More detail, means more repelling. And it continues on like that until there's a stalemate of indifference. No feelings necessarily TOWARD your MC and none really against her.

Some people don't believe in women choosing career over being the main caregiver. Not everyone will believe in giving kids cereal for breakfast that young (as it is all sugar) etc. etc. So when approaching this topic, you'll likely have to approach it like you approach that one mom who you swear is abusive and you'll probably have to call somebody on her but for now, you're just going to tolerate her as much as you can because she's in charge of the carpool.

You keep it vague.

Focus on the story about Loreley and the struggles and not on how cute the kids are. That aspect will seep in by itself, I promise.

So while many different people will have many different opinions on how a family should look or function, we can all agree with ONE basic thing: a mother needs her own space. She needs something that's JUST for her, even if it's her career. Any and all readers should be able to root for that.

You have a great skill when pertaining to details, but sometimes you delve so far into it that it's like watching Vincent Van Gogh paint fences along the highway. People walk by asking him, "How about just doing that building over there instead?" And he looks down at the five mile highway fence leading to that building and shakes his head, saying, "No. Gotta get all the fences first. Each and every one. THEN that building."

Do we NEED every single fence painted? Do we need her shower, her hair, her food? All of it? Or would a few fences here and there have been enough?

Things to consider:

- Make sure that the details you give us count.
- Don't spend too much time on everyday things that we ourselves can experience unless it's going to be a major factor in the story.
- Focus on Loreley and what she wants and what she struggles with.
- Don't take the reader's attention span for granted by 'setting' up your story. START it.

I would have liked to see her problems at work (the main plot point promised in the blurb) and then for us to see her trying to keep this balancing act up. By the end of chapter 1, we should know what is wrong and what she plans to do to make it right. She might not succeed but that is a basic principle of the plot, right? Raising the kids isn't her problem—balancing her career and home-life is. The first chapter's job is to show that, and...it's failed.

All right, the review is done and I hope you're not swimming with the fish.

Good luck.

P.S. Here are some complimentary covers you didn't even ask for.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

Paranormal: All Humans are dead and vampires are reeling. (LynaForge)