Onyx || Watcher Academy by AlexandriaRose12

Arrival (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction | Fantasy (Genre)
A New Start / Growing Up (Themes)
First Person Past(consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.04.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Teen Fiction | Fantasy)
- clear time period (modern?)
- clear MC (Armina)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Armina, Lillian, Tab, Aunt Mae)
- tension / suspense (somewhat low)
- a life-changing event / decision (Yes/No, not clearly defined)

This was a cute little story. A time or two, I worried it'd veer off but you managed to pull it right back on track. I'm going to assume you're pretty young. I think you said you were fifteen and if this is what you're capable of at fifteen...wow. Trust me, most writers (myself included) wouldn't subject ANYONE to our fifteen-year-old self's writing. (evil laughter)

You're off to a good start. Now, I won't sugarcoat it, you do have a lot to work on. But I wouldn't try to do it all at once and overwhelm yourself. I think for now, rather than even the small technical stuff like adverbs (I say small but this is a major thing, actually), I'd work on the white space problem that arises when the characters talk. You can write the story as it is now, and then move dialogue into their area of movement and space it out that way.

At the moment, it's not all evenly distributed as there is all dialogue in one spot then all exposition in another. But you keep them moving and that's a major plus. I also think what you have now is great, but you just need a TAD, a SMIDGEN of info tacked onto the dialogue. You don't want to overdo it here because you can make them too cartoonish.

Your strong-point is DEFINITELY your characters. They are ADORABLE. And trust me when I say I hate most teen characters. Hahaha. A lot. Hahahaha. Yours were easy to like. When you had them coming into the room as they did, I kinda cringed like, Oh dear.... But the way they justified it was pretty cute. :-) This light tone is great and can do well.

So pat yourself on the back because if you have strong enough characters, they can take readers through almost ANY type of writing, good or bad.

But while the first problem we have is the white space, the second problem is the distribution of information. I loved your lore. But it came fast and plentiful a bit too early. I think mentioning that the uniform is for warriors is fine, then maybe exit that bathroom and take in Tab and Lil's uniforms for sorcerers???

Then the ride has come. In the car, I think that's where we should find out about the separate magics. As they pull up to the building, maybe have her guess which side was for which? No need to have them talking. Give us that exposition when they are in a setting like a car where we can see the campus. It's a castle-like place, right? Surely they drive past some training areas? Drive past some areas with healers doing their thing? (again, no need to have them talking, and no need to put PAGES UPON PAGES of exposition. No. The amount you have at the beginning when she's in the bathroom was enough. Maybe a TAD (smidgen) more.

The last thing I think you should focus on is the ending.

So far, things to look out for includes:

- white space while they talk (paint those characters)
- when and where to put the exposition
- the ending of your chapters

You are looking to get that reader to the next chapter, and you do that by giving a small 'teaser' as to what's to come. Can we get a small hint of what she's going up against??

Regardless of how you go about it, please feel free to contact me at any time. I'd love to see the end product.

P.S. I make covers as a hobby. So I made some here, too.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

Science Fiction & Fantasy (LynaForge)