MADRIGAL by DachetGrival

MADRIGAL - PART 1 - MADRIGAL (Chapter Title)
Paranormal (Genre)
Life vs. Death (Themes)
Third Person Limited (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌗🌚)

---------------- 9.25.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Paranormal)
- clear time period (Unsure)
- clear MC (Jane)
- few characters introduced (few: Jane, Stranger)
- tension / suspense (good)
- a life-changing event / decision (Yes)

Every once in a while I bump into an author who is IMPRESSIVE. There are various reasons for being thrown for a loop. Some just have great ideas. Some have great characters. Some...they have a certain something that can't be explained. In this case, I think you have great prose. It's smooth. If prose could be bottled, yours would be top-shelf. No real punctuation problems to address, no grammar issues, no adverb-abuse, no filters. Perhaps going over it again with a fine-tooth comb might drudge up something, but to the naked eye, it's all very well put together. It flowed well and, despite its length, wasn't cumbersome.

To put it bluntly, the writing was good. The prose was great.

But?

But the author's too in love with the manuscript. Each line put down is so carefully constructed, it's like a house decorated with ornate seashells. The first few shells were interesting. And the next few were charming. Then an elaborate design came out of nowhere and it was pretty awesome, but then one inside wall turned to two, then three, then the entire living room, decorated in these beautiful shells. Soon it's the outside walls, too. Then the roof. Every detail put down was so meticulous that the author did not do the one thing all authors MUST eventually do—kill the darlings.

Cut.

I'm no fly on the wall, so I cannot speak with absolute surety and yet, YET, I still know this to be true. Necessary cuts were not made. Therefore, innocuous details, which ultimately do not serve to further the plot, received the same treatment as make-or-break plot points. Putting extra care and details into areas that aren't needed going forward, all for the sake of painting an atmosphere, is not Morgan Freeman narrating your life, but in fact, Morgan Freeman narrating your shopping list.

And this does not stop with only the detailing but also the ideas. The stranger offers a test to prove her identity. The test is complete, and yet, there's ANOTHER test. IN the end, it felt like two ideas that were both feasible so the author thought, 'Why not both?'

Why not? Because that goes against killing the darlings. Whenever something CAN be cut, it SHOULD BE CUT. And that is not my rule. It's called Trimming the Fat.

An author this skilled cannot be unaware of it.

Another consequence of great detailing is that the world built is rather specific. This chapter one (I don't read prologues) deals with a VERY serious topic. Jane, the main character, deals with it in a very specific way. Her methodology, her view, is valid because it's valid for everyone going through it. But because more care was spent on each individual tree, we could not see the forest. So a reader's OWN experience with this topic is a hit or miss with regards to connecting with the MC. We can all connect to the feelings that LEAD to this point, however, the actions taken after the decision is made, not everyone can connect to them. A trim would remedy this.

The blow dryer part was well done—and important. Therefore, that amount of focus was perfect. Other focal points, however, not as much, IMHO. Take the pet for example, a great detail, but was every aspect necessary for the plot?

Finally, the stranger. As I've only read chapter one, it's hard to know if these possible inconsistencies will be addressed later on. Assuming that they aren't, since the stranger has these powers, and is special, why doesn't she do the work herself? What is it that the MC offers that the stranger cannot achieve on her own? She's corporeal, she has extra abilities, and she serves who she serves. What does the MC have that the stranger does not? Even if it's too early for us to know, the MC should wonder about it, doubt it, and pose it as a question. It can serve to tease us for the chapters to come if it must be hidden.

Take this critique however you see fit, but know that a critique of your work isn't a pass or a fail, it's just a different viewpoint. There's no denying your skill, but use your power for good.

With great prose comes great cuts. If you ever need me to take another look, you know where to find me.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.