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[58] CRITIQUE: We Were Monsters (Alternative Universe)

We Were Monsters By XIsabellaAkariX

Chapter One: (Chapter Title)
Paranormal AU (Genre)
Friendship (Themes)
Third Person Limited (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌗🌚)
You are eligible to request a Chapter Two critique at any time

---------------- 9.23.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Paranormal AU)
- clear time period (Unsure)
- clear MC (Kelse)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Kelse, Diana, Andrew, CJ (Connie), Jade, Roy)
- tension / suspense (good)
- a life-changing event/ decision (Yes)

Okay, so I know you've braced yourself and that's fine. Let's get to the good parts of the story. The twist at the end threw me in a good way. And even though I'm not big on photography, I will say that I loved your opening. That very simple two lines about memories (it made so much sense at the end. Why didn't I see it coming!) was very impactful. I think if you do make any changes, you can't go wrong with your opening line. It's relatable and it sets a good tone going forward.

I also want to talk about the younger sister. Oftentimes, secondary characters, especially younger siblings are written in an unfavorable light. This wasn't the case. It was cute to see two sisters getting along and enjoying each other's company. I liked CJ and I didn't think I would. She's supportive and tags along well like a proper little sis.

The end of your first chapter was good. It showed us what's to come, it gave the life-changing event, and it had just enough mystery to keep us interested but not confuse us.

Now let's talk about the shortcomings. The major one I see is setting. When we are first introduced to the MC, we get pulled in by the great intro, but we don't know WHERE she is. Is it a bedroom, garage, living room, workshop? What? A one-liner here or there would do wonders just to orientate us a bit so we know where she is. Try avoiding 'filter words' and also look out for overuse of 'was' as it's usually a warning that there's too much telling. Some commenters said you spent too much time in certain areas. I didn't feel that way overall but I do think you should listen to all your feedback and determine if there might be something they have in common.

Now, let's get into it. Your character.

I liked her. The end.

How's that?

No good? Okay. I only have to ask if everyone was necessary right away. I get that she's beefing with her friends and that can't be helped but we do get bombarded with names pretty much back-to-back. They aren't complex names so I think they can be forgiven. Be prepared to hear that same complaint from others. But considering that her major issue is that she's got problems with these people, I don't think you can actually reduce the number of characters introduced. Not really.

Your biggest issue is your main character. And when I say your issue, I mean you personally. Me, as a reader, I liked her. She was mean and petty and that's fine because we can ALL relate to being mean and petty sometimes. I liked that she wasn't trying to be a perfect character. She was a bit terrible and a bit childish but I can get behind that because I'm a bit terrible and a bit childish, too.

The trouble is...you didn't intend for that. And when an author writes a character one way (or think they have) and they are perceived differently, they see this as a problem or a failing. I see this as a character being a character. Characters, scenes, chapters, whole books sometimes go into directions we never intend for them. The more we try to reign them in, the harder it gets to write. I personally think you should just lean into it and make her mean but if you don't want to do that, then fine, here is an easy fix.

The way to fix her is to...let her INTENTIONALLY change. For example, instead of saying diana is toxic, just simply say, "Kelse was foolish to think they were close friends all this time. All these photos—these memories proved it; each one ended with a backhanded compliment from Diana." Then let her get a message and have her type in a passive, "sure, I'd love to help." then have her pause before sending and saying, "no. No more 'what would Jesus do' responses." and have her erase it and type in something stronger. Same thing for Andrew. "The old Kelse would have agreed. It was the new Kelse who typed in 'eff off' hahaha.

Also, she makes a conscious effort to do what she wouldn't. "Everyone was going in a group, she did something un-Kelse-like, she decided against it."

But this gives a secondary arch you probably weren't looking for. The issue I think you've noticed is that people think First Person POV is 'close' and Third Person POV is distant. That's not true. Both can be close and both can be distant. I used First Person POV in my short story Sated for distance, but Third Person Limited (like you did here) for closeness in all else. So tweak the narrator's voice a bit if you want to change the character's voice, too. Because even though she's not talking, she's still narrating.

Again, I liked her. Your character immediately inspired me to write a mean (yet likeable) MC of my own today called Syb. But if you don't want her to be that way, then you'll have to tweak the narration a lot. Keep in mind, a good anti-hero is hard to write. You might have pulled it off by accident. If you undo this new skill, you may look back with sadness down the line. :-)

Who knows.

P.S. Love the cover; LOVE the title!


If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

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