My Alpha by By DharuVenkat

The Mail & The First Day (Chapter Title)
Paranormal (Genre)
A fresh new start (Themes)
First Person Past (very inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 9.18.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Paranormal? I'm not sure)
- clear time period (Present? I'm unsure.)
- clear MC (check: Lisa? Maybe)
- few characters introduced (few: Lisa, Anne, CEO)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (Not clearly stated)

All art created with a great level of commitment and care deserves an audience, in my humble opinion. I think you can get that audience here on Wattpad.

I wonder if this book title shouldn't have been called Alpha.inc. The title of this company was a good choice. Immediately, I was curious to find out what this place was all about. That curiosity led to me clicking on the next chapter. Right away we learn about Lisa and her friend Anne's roll in this mysterious company. The mail intro was also great. Usually, I like getting this information right away but in this case, I felt the telling exceeded the showing.

Let's get right to the main focus that concerns me. I'm not one to try and dictate how long a chapter can be, but these little bite-sized tid-bits did appear more like chapter notes (like a lot of material gathered to BUILD a chapter) rather than a fully realized installation. That's actually pretty good news. With a bit more carefully arranged detailing, the chapters can grow well and convey a great tone going forward.

Here are some details that will not only grow your chapter but help the reader picture a more concrete world.

- What time of year is it? Spring, summer etc.

- Is the current setting night or day? (can you give that to us with one or two of the five senses like smell or hearing.

- How is the MC feeling and why (and can you SHOW us a response?)

- Briefly let us know what the MC can see in her immediate viewpoint

- Where is she and build us a path each time she moves.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Racing down the street like a bat out of hell, hair scattered, shirt buttoned wrong, Tyler chased the school bus.

"No. No. No! Not again. I can't be late again!" Another late deferment and he was as good as in military school his father had threatened. The bus slowed at the corner, giving him hope. Out of the side mirror, he made eye contact with the driver. The old bitty smirked and drove on. "Wait! You're playing with my life, old woman."

This small paragraph gave us a lot of information. 1. Tyler was a habitual offender. 2. His father was fed up and perhaps strict. 3. He's fast enough to catch a bus. And 4. The bus driver doesn't like him.

Don't just give details for the sake of giving them. Give them with purpose and let them paint your picture. You can also control your pacing this way. The more frequent your action, the faster the pace.

As I've said, this is a good thing, having small chapters, because you are not held down by word limitations. Usually it's the opposite. An author writes TOO much and is stuck trying to reduce the word count in edits.

The potential is there, you've just gotta make sure you seize it.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.