My Definition Of Love by Fantabulous_creation

Chapter One (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Dangers of impulsive behavior (Themes)
First Person Past (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 9.15.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Teen Fiction)- clear time period (Present)- clear MC (check: Ashley)- few characters introduced (few: Ashley, Ryder, Emily, Mike, stranger)- tension / suspense (low)- a life-changing event/ decision (Yes)

The overall pace of this wasn't bad, and with such a strong ending, it will resound well. I think the impact might be better if the chapter ended at:

What did I just do? And here I stood with my mouth wide open like a hippo, my hand still on his ass. The man turns to look at me. As soon as he faces me, my world stopped

Or simply

What did I just do? And here I stood with my mouth wide open like a hippo, my hand still on his ass. The man turns to look at me.

But that only works if the story picks up where it leaves off with him walking away. Still, it might be a page turner to have that cliff-hanger. I highly recommend it.

The biggest shortcoming of this chapter was the grammar and sometimes punctuation. The punctuation wasn't always a problem but the grammar was. Also, be mindful of separating paragraphs based on who is speaking and who's doing the action. The person moving in the paragraph should be the same person speaking. Always.

I think the story is fun enough that a casual reader can continue onward without much trouble even with the grammar pitfalls. Depending on how the other chapters goes, this can be a nice bite-size read. But for it to be a meal, it'll need to satisfy more senses. There is a lot of blank space throughout. A quick sentence here or there would take care of this. On top of that, they sometimes magically appear in new locations with no transition from point A to point B. Again, just a small "When we got in" or something to that effect would clean that up nicely. So long as it's short, it shouldn't interfere with the pacing.

For the most part, I'd call this light, and easy on the eyes and that's a good thing. With this life-changing event, the ball can start rolling pretty fast. The title has a great ring to it as well "My Definition of Love." Very intriguing.

(end)

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