Tales of the cursed By Rednight_rain

Story1,chpt1 The sun and the Moon (Chapter Title)
Dark Fantasy (Genre)
Lust & Death (Themes)
Third Person Present (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 8.29.2020 -----------

Hi,

Thank you for letting me read your chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter:

- clear genre (Dark Fantasy)
- clear time period (that isn't immediately clear but perhaps modern)
- clear MC (No Name)
- few character introductions (check)
- suspense / tension (yes/no)
- a life-changing decision / event (no)

Having grown up consuming a lot of fantasy, less so in books and more in media, I really appreciated the atmosphere of your story. The best thing about it was that from start to finish, it kept right on with the theme, going so far as to end pretty much where it began. Once the chapter was complete, it felt like we came full circle. It was a very satisfying trip.

No one can mistake the time and effort you put into this piece so I hope you will allow me a moment to share my thoughts about it. Although you may not like what I have to say, I'll start by assuring you that if I saw no potential, I would make no effort.

Your writing style is very 'check yes/no...maybe.' A cruder way to describe it would be the friend zone--not really committed, not really rejected. Because the chapter is awash with 'seems' 'as if' 'almost' and other wishy-washy on the fence phrases, the reader isn't sure how to feel.

It's like a dashing prince riding in on his steed, a severed dragon head tucked under his arm. He throws it down at your feet, takes you by the hand, looks up into your eyes and says, "I ... kinda like you. It seems as though I'm in love. I slew this dragon for you as if to declare my sorta love."

You, as well as I, and many others, would be backing away emotionally. Like waaaaa???

I wasn't sure if this was a fluke, so I went on to your chapter two and read it. Alas, it's even more abundant in chapter two. "time that no one counted"  "music seemed to grow louder" etc. etc. With each instance of this 'check yes/no...maybe' type of writing it feels like the author wasn't quite sure where he/she wanted to take it, and as they are not committed to what is going on, the reader has a hard time committing as well.

Chapter two was that same dragon-slayer prince swooping us off our feet and announcing to everyone in sight, "I almost love this woman! I will likely take her back to my kingdom and perhaps marry her. We will then maybe have children and although I can't guarantee a happily ever after, fingers crossed!"

Are we in this or not? Are we following this weary grimace-supposed-to-be-reassuring smile prince home to a perhaps happily ever after, or aren't we? Chop out EVERY wishy-washy word in your chapter and see how firm it becomes. Otherwise, it's making us focus on aspects that aren't important to the story and we're forced to 'guesstimate' our way through the chapter.  Any word that indicates 'on the fence' or 'unsure' needs to be out the door with this half-baked prince!

Is she a girl or a woman? She's a woman.
Is it night or day? It's night.
Has one hour or a day passed? It's been two hours.
Is the music growing louder or isn't it? It's louder.
Are the people drunk or aren't they? They are. They are quite drunk.

And is this prince someone you can get emotionally invested in? No. No he isn't.
But is your story worthy of confidence? Yes. It most certainly is.

(end) If you found this critique useful, please give it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES section of this book. Help the first dates out there.