Beyond the Void by A. A. Arujarv aarujarv

chapter 0 (Chapter Title)
High Fantasy (Genre)
When Magic meets Politics (Themes)
Third Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.26.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (high fantasy)
- clear time period (Alternative Universe)
- clear MC (check: Aerin / Will)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Aerin, Will, their boss, several people named in passing)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes, but it's not clearly stated)

Hi. You've written a story about two hapless, and at times lovable, thieves who get in over their heads in a heist they probably should have passed on. I hadn't known what to expect when I stepped into the book. I did expect it to be full immersion due to its length and as soon as I saw that it was high fantasy. Right away we know our genre, and right away we see the personality of our two human MC's.

Aerin is the more cautious of the two. She's got a foul mouth but she likes to think things through...usually. Then there's Will. He's a dreamer, he works with magic, and he feels oppressed by the influx of Elf rules and taxes coming into the city. He's proud of his human heritage and hopes to voice that whenever he can.

But they are thieves, and thieves do thievery. Good. On the fence bandits are fine sometimes, but once in a while, it's good to get ones that stick to their cut-throat thievery with no apologies.  As they go back and forth like brother and sister, though they aren't related, we hear about their boss, and also  the words of (if I'm not mistake) someone who Will admires and/or follows. And it's through this method that we explore the world around us.

So the problem of the journey is addressed well. They are on a heist and Aerin fears that more than likely, Will's bad habits will get them into more trouble than needed. This is true.

Let's first address the characters and their traits and habits. I'll start with Will because he's very straightforward. Will remains consistent throughout. He's a thief and a compulsive one at that. He's got intuition and, unbeknownst to Aerin, magic. So his 'more than meets the eye' factor is on full blast and it's a joy to discover more and more about him as the story goes on.

Now, let's get to Aerin who is for...lack of a better description...bipolar. I can't think of a better way to describe her. She's all over the place. Being a crook was her idea, and yet, she seems to lament it often. She attacks Will without mercy, but later on when she worries for him, she's about to cry. With how badly she's punched him, and dragged both his ego and intelligence through the mud, I'm sorry to say that I half expected her to want to dance on his grave (so to speak). So when she's worried for him and brought to tears, I think two things 1. she's bipolar, or 2. she's crey-crey. Either one still makes her seem off balanced or inconsistent.  If this is an intentional outcome, then so be it. But if it is not, her diction and tone need to be addressed.

Okay, now that the character voices are out of the way, let's go on to the plot. It, too, is straightforward. Two hapless but playful thieves set off to hit it big but bite off more than they can chew. On paper, this is great fun. And in execution, it's great fun as well. The plot keeps moving and they don't deviate. They don't go into lengthy backstories, or off on tangents about unrelated things. They do keep very much in the here and now and progress from point A to point B well. So the plot, for the most part, is solid. My only issue is the intent. At the start, we are told they are on their heist, we expect a heist, however, part way, one of them reveals it to be a scouting mission which threw me. Is it or isn't it? If it's a scouting mission they decide to follow through on instead, that's fine, but maybe call it that from the get-go?? Otherwise, I saw no issues with the plot and I think it's a story that will be well-liked by the average High Fantasy fan.

Finally, the 6k+ prologue Elephant in the room.  Let's get into it. This was a twenty-six minute chapter. It gives me no pleasure to call your baby names, but I feel that it behooves me to state the obvious that a 6k+ prologue, an even longer first chapter and an equally heft second chapter is akin to a 300lb five-year-old. No. Scratch that. A 300lb five-year-old bedridden and hooked up to an IV of chocolate syrup distributed to him/her intravenously. An average 3k chapter is marked as 13 minutes on Wattpad. Yours was twenty-six. So it stands to reason that it was 6k, or there abouts. Now, that does not mean a story is bad because it's big. Some stories are simply big. In fact, when reading high fantasy, we expect it to be on the rotund side. We need that for a rich world, and we need that for full immersion. I conceded all that. HOWEVER, for your prologue, this is not the case.

Before you send me angry messages and then mute me (le sigh 😔) allow me to explain. I'll call you out as an author-parent. From what I've read, you've never killed your darlings. There. I've said it. I feel like you've spoiled this precious story and refuse to trim that hair. Things are repeated at times, which is good. But conversations go on for lengths that are unnecessary. Characters rant for lengths that are unnecessary. To top it off, the sequence of events could simply be condensed and better for it. It should be city, brief view from the hilltop, because the description of the city was beautiful, and then down into that hole.

No long fights. No circling back to long fights. No need to say the same phrase "what is wrong with you?" more than twice. Two doughnuts is enough. No need for four. This chapter needs a trim (a CAREFUL trim because there are a lot of good bits you don't want to cut away too cavalierly), but a trim nonetheless. But...a part of me thinks you already know that.

I only say these things because I do think this story is worth reading. It is an interesting universe you've made and because you were able to write it freely with no stop-guards, that means it's gotta be strong and full, too. Those are the best kinds. But not everything can stay. Let's assume that when God was at the drawing board, he gave man six arms because it looked interesting and he was right, but in the end, his random editor friend had to pull him aside and pat his shoulder and ask...Does this thing really need this many?

Good luck with it. And I welcome your possible ire. (yanks that IV and takes a sip) For realz though, (muffled) think of the children. Geezus, even your CRITIQUE is epic.

(end)

P.S. I do mean well when writing this. Good luck.