When Fates Intertwined By xSceneGirl

Chapter 1 - A bit infatuated (Chapter Title)
Teen fiction / Fantasy?? (Genre)
Ordinary but longing for more (Themes)
First Person past (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.16.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Teen / Paranormal)
- clear time period (Present)
- clear MC (check: Sienna)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Sienna, Mom, Kiara, Noah, Darcy, Dylan (yes, it's the same guy but still)
- tension / suspense (low to none)
- a life-changing event/ decision (no)

It's interesting that this story starts with a TV show because it reads like a TV show in and of itself. We start like this is one episode to a TV show and we progress from there. The personality of the MC is very cute. I like that she's secretly on the band wagon but pretends to not be as excited as everyone else.

Her best friend is equally sweet and supportive. Just like a TV show. Your great advantage is your knowledge of dialogue tags (thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙏 ). The grammar overall wasn't bad but I, and I suspect others, can spot that English isn't your first language. That's amazing that you can write in a language that isn't your own. To avoid making sentences that might come off wonky, consider keeping them short unless necessary. Sometimes you gave extra info that could be cut out. You don't need to say: He stood, walked to the door, touched the knob, turned it, opened the door, and walked out. It could just be: He walked to the door and left.  Right?

Now, let's talk about the story. This reads like a TV episode, to an impressive degree, BUT...this isn't TV. In fact, the same things that work in television just don't translate well in literature and vice versa. Because of this, we end up with extra scenes that need to be trimmed off. Please do a search for Chekhov's gun. Chekhov's gun states that a gun mentioned in chapter 2 MUST go off in chapter 5. This means that you cannot (should not) mention anything that won't be used later on. So while I thought your first chapter was smooth despite some out-of-whack sentences, I cannot ignore that it needs a haircut.

Look above at the things we are looking for in a first chapter. Is this teen fiction or paranormal? We should know that by the end. There's no suspense to make us yearn for more. Also, no great event or decision. Something needs to happen to set this story in motion. Ask yourself, "Why today?" Why did you choose THIS day in her life to talk about and not the next or the one before? What happens TODAY that sets it apart from all the others. Does a huge event or a huge change come her way.

Imagine this: a character looks out at the sky and sees a shooting star. She wakes up the next day and thinks nothing of it. When she opens her door, she sees a strange looking bug. Disgusted, she stomps it dead. For a brief moment she wonders what it was but doesn't otherwise care as she scampers off to school. She arrives in time to see a huge news broadcast from the president. An alien species has arrived in the night. They are approximately one inch and their ambassador has gone missing. Unless the villain responsible is IMMEDIATELY found and brought to them, there'll wipe out all of North America. They flash a picture and our MC sinks into her chair and covers her head because low and behold, it was the bug she stepped on--killed this morning. Now what?

That one action, that one decision to squash that bug has now set this story into motion and it's about to get crazy. And yes, I do have a story like this, it's called One small Step. This is an example though. You do not have that event. It can be something BIG that the MC can see, or something SMALL (like this) that the MC doesn't see. It can come at the start or the end but it's supposed to be there. I THOUGHT Noah was going to materialize somehow and that was the big event. That did not happen.

Your grammar and polish shows that you really care about this story. You know your world best, and you are the ONLY one who can make this amazing chapter shine brighter. Think about what makes this day special, what happens that changes everything, and ROLL this snowball off the hill and let's see what it hits! Good luck!

You've got this!

(end)