chapter 48

long chapter ahead I sorry

"What do you mean there was more to it?" Shimamura pressed, trying to get him to explain himself.

Bakugou clenched his jaw, fighting every impulse he had to admit his truth to Shimamura. She should've known about this long ago but he never told her. He never told anyone about why they broke up. He couldn't bring himself to do it. He thought it would make people see him... see her... as weak. He thought that this was a weakness people would use against him and target him because of it.

But maybe it was just an underlying fear of giving the media more to claw him with. Even still, it wasn't fair to Shimamura that she didn't know.

"Bakugou." Her voice turned stern, mad at him for withholding information.

His crimson eyes met hers again, giving her an almost disappointing stare. The information he kept locked away in the back of his mind behind lock and key screamed for its release. It wanted to fester and live. An angry spirit of truth.

"It was a long time ago, Shima," he expressed, trying to veer away from the topic.

She shook her head. Her clouded eyes were narrowed at him, angrily. "No. Tell me. Whatever you're hiding, I want to know."

Bakugou closed his eyes and tilted his head back. His ice cream melted down the side of his hand, but he didn't care. If anything, he just made the dripping worse by gripping onto the cone tighter. The lock hiding the truth he wanted to keep from her finally cracked. It shattered in two and expelled a blinding light of memories.

"I was afraid you'd say that..."

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Bakugou's Memories

8 years ago... the tail end of their first year at U.A. High.

The year had come and gone in an instant. Bakugou'd been kidnapped. Shimamura had been kidnapped. The League of Villains attacked... multiple times. Overhaul and his band of birdbrained dumbasses had their little rise and fall. Etcetera etcetera.

Did he expect to end the year with a girlfriend? No. Not even a little bit. But shit happens.

He threw his arm over Shimamura's shoulder as they walked through the hall of their high school. She had one of her strands of hair in her hands, combing through the ends of the hair follicles with her fingers, looking for dead ends. She wasn't too involved or interested in her surroundings, but she had him to veer her through the crowd so she didn't have to worry about a thing. For the last few months, Shimamura's been happier since she's been off her meds. Sure, she'll have her bad days and bad hours when she shifted states, but they were numbered now rather than all the time.

Word had gotten out that Whitey and him were dating after Kaminari, Deku, and goggle girl's shitshow in the dorms. The rumor spread like a wildfire until all the first year classes knew. Then the second years. Then the third years when Mirio decided to finally ask the right questions instead of being a dumb giant.

He wanted them to be on the downlow for a while... but it couldn't be helped. If anyone even remotely questioned them about it in person, they were met with a blast furnace to the face! That is... as long as Shimamura wasn't paying attention. She usually stopped him. Hmph.

It didn't matter. She stuck by his side regardless.

If anyone even dared look their way in the hallway, he shot them a glare and that was that. They sometimes gave him a disgusted look in response, but to hell with those extras. By the time they walked past them, he couldn't even remember their faces. They're losers. Every single one of them and—

"Yikes, there's Shimamura and Bakugou."

"Oh yeah! I heard they were dating!"

"Poor girl. She must be so scared of him. If I were her, I'd run for my life."

His head snapped to the side and he scanned the hallway for whoever was whispering about them. He tried to stop to search, but Shimamura just kept on walking so he followed her with his arm still around her shoulder. Who the hell was talking shit?!

"I agree. She's always so sad too. Maybe it's because of him!"

"Oh my gosh you're so right! He must yell at her all the time. Hah. How sad."

"Totally~!"

Their voices eventually drowned out but he made a mental note to find them and beat their asses later. They would pay for—

"He's way too fiery for her. Shima's so fragile and small. How did they even end up together?"

A new set of voices rose from the crowd, whispering about them.

"They don't fit at all."

"Mhmm. It's pitiful really. I give them three months."

"Until they break up?"

"Either that or Shimamura kills her—"

That's it.

"Bakugou?"

His eyes drifted back to Shimamura, still angry and full of fury. He had to find them and beat them to a pulp. There was no question about it.

He had stopped walking and she stood a foot or so in front of him, staring at him with the most concerned expression she could probably muster. She was confused. She reached out with her hand, gesturing for him to hold it.

"What's wrong?" She asked him.

He swallowed. His expression softened. 'I'll find them later...' he thought to himself.

He shook his head and took her hand in his. Then they continued walking. He didn't say a word to her... not a peep. She didn't need to know what they said. Those assholes...

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"They didn't think we were a good couple?" Shimamura raised an eyebrow at him.

He frowned at her and crossed his arms. "That's how it started," he growled, almost threateningly.

Shimamura put her hands up in surrender and let him continue with his story. As much as it pained him to be admitting all this to her, he felt that he needed to. She needed to hear what they said all those years ago.

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1 year later and Shimamura and Bakugou were still together. Just in spite of the people that had been talking bad about them and their relationship, Bakugou made sure that they stayed together. But to be completely honest, he didn't have to do very much to ensure such a result.

The two students were happier together than they had ever been apart. Bakugou's happiness was much more subtle than Shimamura's apparent joy being with him. Of course, he expressed his happiness behind closed doors where the two were at bliss and alone. He didn't need his classmates or anyone else to know that his hard shell exterior was slowly beginning to soften and crack because of a girl.

He didn't need them knowing that he actually fell in love. They'd be shocked, for one.

As second years, rumors were starting to build about Bakugou, Deku, and Todoroki being the top three contenders for the Big Three for their following year. This took on so much popularity and debate that they didn't fully know what to do with it. But in addition to that, all eyes were on Shimamura and Bakugou again.

And the spotlight was brighter than ever.

Bakugou gripped his phone in front of him, staring at it practically an inch from his face. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were wide with shock and anger as he read the Twitter feed on his phone.

Top hashtag relating to U.A. High at the moment? #JusticeForShimamura

'You've got to be f-cking kidding me...'

The top Twitter posts with this hashtag were as follows:

"#JusticeForShimamura ! What a toxic relationship! She deserves better!"

"Anyone got an abuse hotline to give to Shima-chan? The girl needs it!"

"Someone get this to Shimamura: girl if you ever need help, lmk! We got your back!"

"F*ck Bakugou! Why should he be in the Big Three if he's an abusive motherf—"

Bakugou squeezed his phone so tightly he turned it off. It heated up from the pressure and just decided to crap out on him. He growled and chucked his phone across the room.

The device crashed against the lamp post and clattered to the ground. Screw the internet. Screw the media. He knew that being a hero meant having to deal with the press, but he didn't realize that it would start this early. And what's worse, these posts were targeted not only at him but at their relationship.

The other students perceived Shimamura as constantly sad all the time and blamed it on him. They always found ways to blame her mood on him. But that was never the case. It was always a shift in her bipolar state to a depressive mindset.

Shimamura having bipolar disorder was a sworn secret within Class 1-A. And so far, no one had betrayed her yet and let loose that secret to their peers.

But right now... Bakugou wanted to out her disorder and just tell them the truth. He knew he wouldn't (and shouldn't). It wasn't his secret to tell and more importantly he would never hurt Shimamura like that. But if he did, then they'd realize that she wasn't sad constantly because of him, but because of her disability. She had triggers and episodes. Certain stimuli trigger depressive and manic episodes. It wasn't his fault!

But... but what if it is his fault?

Bakugou's angry expression relaxed as his thought process finally caught up with him. All those posts got him thinking... what if she really was depressed because of him?

She had mentioned to him before that she had certain triggers that drew out different bipolar states. Like her new temple cover upgrades that can lure out specific bipolar levels to help her with specific stimuli. But there was more! Like overstimulation of big crowds and people talking would make her anxious and dip into a lower state. Or how certain smells would force out different states of mind.

She told him some of the triggers... but not all of them. What if he was one of them? What if he was one of the reasons for her depressive episodes?

He took a deep breath and internalized this information. He didn't want to think too much about it. It would ruin him... it would ruin them if it was true.

He just thanked god that Shimamura didn't have social media.

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"They thought you... abused me?" Shimamura's mouth fell open in shock.

He nodded. "Someone like you, with someone like me? I didn't blame them for thinking it."

Shimamura's eyebrows furrowed and she frowned at him. "But you didn't. You never did."

"But can you say with absolute certainty that I wasn't the reason behind some of your episodes?" Bakugou snapped at her.

Shimamura pressed her hands into her lap, tightly holding one hand within the other. Her nails dug into her skin with that single question. The two heroes sat on a bench in the park, hidden from the eventual rain by an overhang of tree branches and leaves. The rain would be resuming in a few minutes. They had time to talk until then.

"I..." She didn't respond to him. She couldn't lie to him and deny that at least a few of her episodes were because of him. But that was before they were dating!... most of them, anyway.

Bakugou dodged her gaze, staring at the gloomy pond ahead of them. "That's what I thought."

Shimamura let out a hot sigh and turned so she was facing the pond as well. The animals had gone and it was quiet besides the soft breeze that blew past them. She leaned back on the bench and stared at her hands.

"Ok. So you broke up with me because of allegations?"

He was quiet for a few seconds. That grabbed her attention. She stared at his side profile as his expression softened into a look of almost sadness. Once he noticed her staring at him, his face hardened again with disgust and anger.

He wasn't finished with his explanation.

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He thought his heart would stop beating on the spot. How could he have let this happen? How could he have let her DO that?!

Still dressed in his tattered hero suit, Bakugou rushed into Recovery Girl's office as about a dozen other heroes and medics ran in and out of the room. People were shouting and throwing medical supplies to one another as they tried to bandage up the injured heroes. U.A.'s third year class had just taken a major blow.

Minutes, if not moments, before they had been fighting with the League of Villains and about a hundred Nomus. Of the villains that hadn't been arrested, they came back with a vengeance and a plan to fight the heroes and the pro heroes in training. The battle was fierce. Destructive. And bloody. Every hero was injured and battered no matter their skill or age. Even Deku was bleeding and cut up more than usual.

Bakugou had a massive blood stain dripping from his leg, but that was less than what he should have right now. He should be the one on the medical table. Not her.

Sensima—Shimamura—had intervened in his and a villain's fight. The villain copied Bakugou's quirk and let loose an explosion that literally destroyed the villain, but not before taking the heroes down with him. Shimamura tackled Bakugou out of the way and took the closest blast and largest impact than any other hero in the line of fire.

Bakugou should've been the one to get hurt by that explosion. Not her. She shouldn't have jumped in front of him to save him. He would've been fine. His armor would've protected him more than Shimamura's suit did. He could have dealt with it.

But no... she had to be the damn hero she always was. She had to save him. She had to save the one person she couldn't live without.

Bakugou pushed past a line of heroes to get to her med bay that Recovery Girl was currently attending to. His heart practically stopped when he saw her under those white sheets. He thought she was dead.

Her white hair was stained a dark grey color from the ashes of the explosion and her suit was tattered and in pieces, revealing giant burns and bleeding scars already forming across her torso and arms. She groaned as Recovery Girl tried her best to mend the burns across her arms, but the girl wasn't conscious. But she could feel the pain. She could feel all of it.

His heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight of her.

He loved her... he was supposed to be the one to protect her. Not the opposite. He couldn't lose her like this. He couldn't live with himself if he let her die protecting him.

So what the hell is he doing now?

After all this time... her depressive episodes might not have been his fault. That pain was separate from the burns she currently felt. But this? This was a whole new level of pain and destruction that he caused her. He couldn't let her risk herself for him. He didn't deserve it.

He didn't deserve her.

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She didn't say a word as he finally finished his story. Just recollecting that memory broke him into pieces. He felt like a glass mirror, shattered into a thousand shards without any hope of ever being rebuilt again. She was his undoing. She always has been.

She sighed next to him. He glanced at her, wanting to see her reaction.

Shimamura had a slight smile on her face, staring down at her open palms. She seemed much more relaxed than she was prior. Her clouded eyes seemed darker but more blue than before, probably in a higher bipolar state now. What confused him most was the fact that she didn't seem fazed by what he had said.

If anything, she just seemed relieved yet saddened by his explanation.

"When you broke up with me," Shimamura started, "I knew it was coming. The weeks before, you were avoiding me, keeping your distance and only talking to me when you absolutely had to. I could tell you were trying to make some big decision in your mind and I knew it was something about us. I guess I just never realized what factored into that decision—or what caused you to make that decision in the first place."

She tilted her head back and stared sadly at him, but kept her smile upon her lips. She continued, "You know, I always thought that you broke up with me at the end of third year because you wanted to focus on becoming the number one hero. I would only slow you down... So I let it happen. I decided the moment you said goodbye to me that I would wait. And I did. I waited a year... two years... five years."

She rolled her eyes at herself, mostly. "I've waited for you. But it took me this long to realize that you were never going to turn back around to find me again."

Bakugou kept his mouth shut. His silence was odd after what she just said to him. Her eyes lingered on him for a second before looking away from him, staring out at the scenery.

The rain finally started to fall again. It left small ripples in the pond and disturbed the peace. The raindrops fell on everything around them, the sidewalk; the flowers and shrubs; the plants and trees; and the overhang of leaves above them. They were shielded from contamination of the rainwater. They were the only things in this entire park left dry and protected from the falling rain.

Shimamura closed her eyes and listened to the rain patter against the sidewalk.

Current bipolar level: 5

Maybe this would bring her peace...

Bakugou suddenly squeezed her hand. She opened her eyes and glanced down at their hands. He had his overtop of hers, squeezing it gently. But he didn't look back at her. He stared out at the rippling pond.

"I'm sorry I ever left you," he said clearly to her.

Shimamura watched him, emotionless. She blinked and tilted her head back against the bench again. She laughed softly.

"Wow. I suppose my waiting was worth it if I got to hear you apologize for something in your life."

Anyone else listening might've thought she was being sarcastic. But he knew she was being completely serious.

He scoffed and turned to her, smiling just barely at her. She squeezed his hand back and leaned her head to the side so she could see him properly. He missed her. He didn't know why... but now he did.

He missed her smile. He missed the way her eyes brightened even the smallest bit when she looked at him, regardless of her bipolar level. And the way that she would take her hair into her hands when she got flustered or nervous around him. Or how whenever she talked to him she always sounded like she was telling some elaborate story, even when she was just telling him about their science homework. He missed holding her when she was in a rough spot or easing her down from her depressive episodes. He missed caring about someone other than himself...

He missed loving her.

He rubbed his thumb against her knuckle and she smiled lightly at him. His frozen heart melted.

"Tikki, I—"

Her phone rang from her pocket. She sat up with a jolt and grabbed it, checking the caller ID quickly. She turned back to him and frowned.

"Sorry... I have to take this real quick."

She stood and her hand left his in an instant. She walked away from the bench, a few yards away and no longer underneath the shelter of the trees. The rain beat down on her shoulders and head as she stepped out into the open.

"Hello?" she answered the phone.

The caller on the other side responded to her.

"Hey Kimiko," Shimamura replied.

She quieted herself as the caller talked into her ear further. She pursed her lips, almost frowning.

"Yeah, the reunion was today . . . Don't worry I'm handling it . . . I know what you told me. And I said I'm handling it . . . I know what I have to do . . . Y-yeah. I'll see you later."

Shimamura hung up and shut her phone, staring at the caller ID again. Just a number, no name attached to it. She sighed and stuffed her phone into her pocket again. The rain soaked her white hair and clothes, leaving her vulnerable to the cold and damp winds. She was a slave to the elements in the rain.

But the rain stopped. She looked up to see a black umbrella above her. Bakugou stood next to her, holding the umbrella with a worried expression on his face.

"Who was that?" he asked.

She shrugged, lying through her teeth. "No one. Wrong number I guess."