genre:

angst // suicide

note:

trigger warning !! this is a verysensitive piece. you should def skip this esp for the mentallyunstable pips. gomen, i just rllyneed to write this one. :'<

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it was hopeless---he was, i am, we were. 

i looked at him dying to catch up with his breath. hindi ko na alam kung anong attack ang nararamdaman niya ngayon: anxiety attack, panic attack, o internal massacre of his intrusive thoughts.

pero sa totoo lang wala na akong kakayahan pang isipin ang mga nangyayari sa paligid ko. ang tangi ko nalang na nararamdaman ay ang malamig na sahig kung saan ako payapang nakahiga at ang mainit na likidong umaagos sa may bandang lalamunan ko.

tatawa sana ako pero nalunod lang ito sa pagkamanhid ng buo kong pagkatao: katawan, isipan, at nararamdaman. we used to be so alive and untroubled as if life's been in our favor in every situation we'd have.

"why do we turned out to be such losers, kayn?" 

he just keep on gasping for air while the bloods' just keep on running out through my throat. what an irony. he was dying for life and i was living for death. 

i crumpled in pain when he suddenly held my shoulder and mindlessly squeeze it so tight just as though i feel no pain at all. lucky him my body's too numb to move or else i would have punched him on his gut already. 

our eyes then met. he calmed down and i suddenly felt scared. this is all true.

"we're dying, tasha." basag ang boses niya.

sa tatlong salita na binitawan niya ay tila binuhusan ako ng kumukulong tubig ngunit sa sobrang init ay lamig ang naramdaman ko. tatlong salita ngunit ramdam ang hapdi, hirap, at lungkot. tatlong salita at tumulo ang aking luha.

"pa'no na 'to?" dagdag niya pa.

paano na 'to? paano na 'to? sunod-sunod umagos ang mga memorya ng buhay kung saan buhay naming hinaharap ang pamumuhay. 

memories of him asking for my help, depending on my decisions, and me never minding about boundaries and limits. my bitter laughed echoed the room. even now, he calmed down by the mere contact of our body. disregarding the fact that i'm losing too much blood, or any time by now i could be dead already. 

typical kayn. should i still be surprised?

ako nga pala kasi ang nagdedesisyon sa aming dalawa. ako nga pala ang may hawak ng manibela ng buhay niya. kaya lahat ay dahil sa akin: tuwa, tawa, sakit, galit... pati ba naman sa bingit ng kamatayan, sa akin pa rin nakasalalay?

binawi ko ang balikat kong pinanghahawakan niya ng lakas niya.

sinipat ko ang gilid ko kung saan niya hinagis at pinunit-punit ang papel na sinusulatan ko ng suicide note. kahit walang lakas ay hinablot ko ito at binato sa mukha niya. "magsulat ka jan ng suicide letter mo."

"tangina naman, tasha." pagksabi ay humiga siya sa gilid ko. "bakit ba kailangang maging ganto?"

"asshole." pumatak sa magkabilang mata ko ang mainit na likido galing mata. "wag ka nang magpanggap, kayn. wala kang pakielam kaya umalis ka na at hayaan mo na akong mamatay."

hindi ito nagsalita. nanahimik dahil totoo ang sinabi ko. imbes salungatin, nagpakain sa katahimikan dahil tinamaan ng realidad na katotohanan ang mga salitang binitawan ko. 

pumikit ako. kahit nakapikit ay naramdaman ko ang mahina niyang paggalaw sa gilid ko. alam ko na agad kung ano ang gagawin niya. "subukan mong tumawag sa kahit na kanino, i'll stab myself once again."

"i won't." dumilat ako at kita kong tumuloy naman siya sa pagkuha ng phone niya. "i'm doing this instead."

"gago ka talaga no?" with all the strength that i have, i kicked his phone away. "even at this time you'll bring out your sick passion?"

"for once, tasha, can't you just shut up and just believe in what im doing? nasa dulo't lahat na tayo, you're still the same unappreciative and unsupportive person? you're unbelievable, tasha."

hindi ko na alam kung saan ako nakakaramdam ng sakit dahil alam kong manhid na ang buo kong pagkatao... or at least that is what i made myself believe. his words were just a liquid of gas showered around the wildfire of my will to die. ako pa talaga ang hindi kapan-paniwala, kayn?

"for once, kayn, can't you set aside your fucking delusion na everything will be alright just because you believe they will?" kinapa ko sa bulsa ko ang bagay na 'yun. i felt my heart beat aloud when i realized it was still there. "you are the one that is fucking unbelievable here, kayn."

when he looked down, i grab that opportunity to strike myself with another stab. i cried in pain but the next events where interesting.

my vision went blurry.

blood, there where blood everywhere.

he ran towards me. he tried to stop the blood that kept on spilling using his bare hands. he's crying while he's doing all those.

he's calling out for me. countless times. there i thought that maybe, he still have the belief that everything can be talked through out and be fixed. maybe he really thought that he could save me. or maybe he didn't really took my words seriously and thought that i was just bluffing. or that he really didn't care because he believed that i couldn't do it.

"are you..." my lips quiver in unbearable pain and my tears just keep on running down my face. "are you happy now, kayn?"

there, he hugged me. his tears mixed up with my blood and i dont know what i'm feeling most on my shoulder. it's just quite amusing to know how both of these liquids came from pain, suffering, and sadness. the only thing is that one will live and the other one will die.

i saw fright in his eyes, but tiredness is what dominates. i suddenly remembered what he said before when im about to take my own life: 

"susundan kita, tasha." 

kayn is tired too. i wonder if he'd really make it.

i smiled.

sorrow enveloped the whole dark and gloomy room and we stayed in that situation for a while. 

"will you kill yourself too?"

i might not heard him answer but my speculation tells me he would. 

they say that when a person die, he'd have this spare of 7 seconds to recall what life he had lived. but mine's different. the spare 7 seconds in my life was not spent for reminiscing... it was spent with a satisfied view of kayn, destroying the most important thing in his life: his passion. 

i enjoyed the counted seconds of my life watchin him shatter what's been wrecking our relationship: his pride and ego.

and then there, i finally saw regret in his face.

if it isn't the best ending i'd ever wanted to see, i don't know what would it be. 

End.

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[061023]

p.s my fave entry so far.