HANNAH'S POV

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi.

I count down under my breath just like Darius taught me to do when things got scary and boy are they scary at the moment. Oh Darius, my big brother. The hero and savior of my life. What am I supposed to do without him?

Live, that's what, as Darius would say to me. But that is just my imagination talking as he is not here with me anymore.

His comrades lower their guns after the twenty-one-gun salute in his honor. I watch with tears brimming in my eyes as the whole ceremony blurs through. They fold up the flag over his coffin and bring it to me since I am the only family member present.

"Our deepest condolences Hannah." Tom, Darius' best friend and partner of seven years says as he gives me the flag.

"Thank you." I murmur taking it from him.

I don't miss the haunted look in Tom's eyes, he and Darius were really close. He is like a big brother to me so I know he is in pain as well. Anyone who knew Darius is. Tom stands up and marches back in line so that the ceremony can proceed.

Everyone at the ceremony is either a friend or colleague. My parents did not even bother to show up at their own son's funeral but it does not matter. It has been just Darius and I for a long time and now its just me. That thought alone is enough to bring more tears to my eyes.

I reach into my bag for a fresh tissue but with all the crying I have been doing, I am not surprised when I come up blank. One appears in my line of sight and I turn to find my best friend, Jada holding one out for me.

"Thank you." I sniff taking it from her.

She gives me a sad smile and wraps a comforting arm around my shoulders. I wipe my tears and blow my nose not caring about all the noise that I am making. Jada has been my biggest support through everything from planning the funeral to taking care of me. She makes sure I eat, sleep and shower since it's all I can manage to do. Losing Darius is the worst thing that's has ever happened to me so I am grateful to have Jada by my side.

She was there with me when I received the news of my brothers passing and has not left my side since. I am really lucky to have her. Once I am over my mourning, I will be sure to let her know how much I appreciate her.

Jada takes my hand as we walk up to the coffin to lay our roses on top of the casket.

"I'll miss you Erie." I whisper kissing the single white rose before placing it on top of the coffin.

I use his middle name, that he hated, in the hopes that it will make him mad enough to resurrect him so he can scold me but unfortunately it does not work.

I stay rooted on the spot unable to move away from my big brother's side. I feel so lost without him. Darius has always been my protector. We have, had, I have to keep reminding myself that it's all in the past now, a four year age gap but that only helped our bond become stronger. He was more than my big brother, he was the parent that I never had growing up till he was taken away from me.

"Hannah, we need to go love." Jada whispers wrapping her arms around me.

"What am I going to do without him?" I cry unable to move.

"Live. You know that's what Darius would have wanted." She answers.

I know that she is right but it is so hard to come into terms with.

Jada is unable to help me back to my seat by herself so she waves Tom, her fiancé, over to help. Together they are able to haul my plus size ass back to the tiny chairs that are hurting my bum.

My gaze wanders to the full-size photo of Darius surrounded by a wreath that has been placed next to the coffin. I took that photo on the day Darius graduated from Quantico. I was so proud of him that day and he was so happy, it was the day he found his true passion. The same passion that led him to his death.

Wrong place, wrong time they said.

Most people say that Darius and I look alike and I always protest that but the more I look at his photo the more similarities I see. We have the same dimples, similar curve in our smile and the shape of our ears but there are also noticeable differences. My big brother stood at 6'3 with beautiful brown eyes, dark glowing skin, a square jaw, drop dead gorgeous looks and abs for days. I on the other hand, I'm 5'6 with mud brown eyes, big plump lips and an acne prone skin that only cleared out when I was well into my twenties. Being plus size did not help either but Darius had always been my biggest support and cheerleader. He taught me how to love myself, fought off bullies for me and built me to the confident woman that I am. But now that he is gone and I am scared of going back to that insecure girl I once was.

"I want to leave." I say looking at Jada.

Her big brown eyes look at me in surprise at my request. I am tired of the ceremony. I want to go back home, slide under my blankets and cry myself to sleep hugging a photo of my brother but I can't. Honestly if I could have had it my way, I would have had Darius cremated but this was more than just about me. It was about my brother, his family, friends and colleagues. They deserved a chance to say goodbye as well.

"But the ceremony isn't over yet." Jada protests.

"I do not want to see them cover him up Jay." I hiccup wiping away more tears with the already soaked tissue.

"Okay, lets go sit in the car then." She replies.

I nod and take her hand and the flag as we walk past all the guests. I can feel their pitiful eyes on me and it makes me want to heave but I swallow it up refusing to be more vulnerable. Jada leads us to her car, a white Mercedes Benz, courtesy of her well-paying salary as Head of Pediatrics at Westview Memorial Hospital where we both work. I am a trauma nurse and I love it. I was not smart enough for medical school but I still wanted to work in health care so I became a nurse instead. Darius hates it, correction, hated it, when I spoke about myself negatively but he is not around anymore so I can self-loath all I want to.

"I can't believe your patents did not come." Jada comments giving me a fresh tissue and a bottle of water.

With all the crying I have been doing, it's good to stay hydrated and I am glad that Jada remembers that because self-care is the last thing on my mind.

"I would have been more surprised if they did." I snort.

"But still, he is their son and he died." Jada reasons.

"They stopped being our parents the day they kicked us out." I reply bitterness slipping into my words.

Darius and I were adopted by a rich white couple that wanted to look woke and charitable by taking in two black orphaned kids from the ghetto. It turns out that they really did not want kids, just trophies to parade around but Darius and I were too strong headed for that. When we failed to bend to their will, they kicked us out when Darius turned eighteen and since he could not leave me there with them, he took me with him. It was rough for a couple of months until Darius signed up for the army. He earned enough to sustain us and pay for all my education whilst getting a free college degree as well. He left the army after four years to join the FBI where his real passion lay.

Darius is, was FBI, one of their most decorated members. We actually moved to Phoenix, Arizona because of his work, not that I complained. I would have followed Darius to the end of the world if he asked me to. Anyway, he was on an undercover mission in Federal Correctional Institution Phoenix when a riot broke out. He was stabbed and died before they could get him to hospital. Receiving the news of his death broke me, it still is but amidst all my turmoil, I am taking comfort in the fact that Darius died doing something he loved.

"It's over. I think everyone is going to Ben's for the reception." Jada informs me.

I look towards the gravesite and see that everyone is clearing out. Ben's bar was Darius' favorite bar ran by one of his best friends Ben, it's basically a cop bar. I did not have it in me to host the reception at the house so Ben had offered to help out.

"Do I have to go?" I lament.

I really don't want to deal with any more people. I am tired and done for the day.

"It will be rude not to, everyone is there for Darius and for you." Jada replies.

I know she is right but my whole being is against that fact.

"How about we go there for an hour then I will drive you home." Jada suggests.

"Okay." I nod.

It is honestly the least I can do. Plus, I can use the free alcohol at the open bar to drown out some of the pain. Jada texts Tom that we are headed for the bar and he promises to meet us there.

I secure my seatbelt and lay my head back on the seat, letting myself doze off for the whole duration of the drive. I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted so the few minutes of rest are welcome before I have to deal with everyone.

"How are you holding up sweetheart?" Ben asks when Jada and I arrive at the bar.

Ben pulls me in for a hug that I welcome wholeheartedly. He is a giant of a man, redneck from Texas who moved to Arizona for college and never went back. He married his college sweetheart Renee, opened a bar and built a life serving alcohol and country music to law enforcement. He and Renee have been feeding me ever since I found about Darius' death but they have a toddler at home so they haven't been as involved which is okay, I completely understand their situation. I already have Jada and Tom hovering over me anyway.

"Not so good." I admit honestly.

There is no point lying to Ben, I'm sure he can see the pain and grieve all over my face and besides the man is a walking human lie detector test, he'd know in a heartbeat if I lied.

"I know, nothing about this is okay but you will be." Ben consoles.

I nod because I want to believe his words but I can't see it at the moment. Renee and baby Taylor join us a couple of minutes later and my cute niece is a welcome distraction. I take her into my arms, letting her baby scent and cute babbles soothe my aching heart.

It hurts to know that Darius will never experience the joy of finding true love, fatherhood, walking me down the aisle or see my kids. He was taken away from me too soon just when his life was at its peak.

Tom joins us with a sophisticated older woman in a powerful black suit by his side. She looks familiar but I honestly can't place her.

"Guys you all know my boss Patricia Starke, boss this is my girlfriend Jada, you know Ben and his wife Renee and their little one Taylor and of course Hannah." Tom introduces.

At the mention of her title, I recall where I know her from. I only met her once though, when I had to drop Darius off at work one morning since his car was at the shop.

"It's nice to see you all again, I wish it was under better circumstances though." She expresses shaking our hands. "Hannah, my deepest condolences, you lost your brother and we lost a great agent, he was the best of us. We really are sorry for your loss and want you to know that you have the full support of our whole department."

"Thank you." I mutter unable to say anything else.

I can't even blame her for what happened to Darius, it was not his first time going undercover and his death was unrelated to the case, at least that's what the report I had been given said.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." Patricia nods at me.

"The case Darius was working on, did he at least manage to solve it before he died?" I ask. "It's something that has been bugging me."

"Hannah, you know she cannot comment on an ongoing investigation." Tom says.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I mumble embarrassed.

"It's okay and I can comment because it's not ongoing anymore. Your brother was still in the middle of his investigation when he died but he had already gathered a lot of evidence. Thanks to his efforts we were able to make multiple arrests. Your brother died a hero, Hannah. His death was not in vain." Patricia replies.

"Thank you, you have no idea what that means to me." I sniff holding back tears.

For the first time in days, I manage a smile.

"You're welcome. Now if you'll excuse me. I am needed back at the office but if you ever need anything Hannah, and I mean anything at all, here is my card, feel free to call me." She offers giving me her card.

I take it from her muttering another thank you. Patricia says goodbye to the rest of the group and excuses herself.

"Would you look at that? Our boy died a hero, it's a sad day but that is worth celebrating, drinks anyone?" Ben offers.

"Yes please." We all agree.

Ben goes around the bar and serves us ladies' wine, getting beer for himself and Tom.

"To Darius, the toughest son of a bitch to ever roam the earth, a good friend, best brother and a freaking hero." Ben declares.

"Here here." We all chorus toasting to my big brother.

I take a sip of my wine, handing Taylor back to her mother when she starts fussing. Poor thing probably saw all of us getting drinks and did not want to be left out.

"Think you have it in you to say a few words? I'm sure everyone would like to hear from you." Jada asks.

"I don't think I can." I express.

"Yes you can, you need to say goodbye to your brother Hannah." Tom encourages.

"What if I pass out up there? You know I have never been good with public speaking least of all now when I am so emotional." I counter.

I hate talking in front of people, my social anxiety does not allow me that luxury. That's why I only have one close friend and the rest of my friends are actually by association through Darius.

"We are all here for you Hannah." Jada assures me.

The rest of them nod and offer more encouraging words. After five minutes they finally convince me to give a speech. Jada and Tom walk up with me to the small stage at one corner of the bar. The static from the mic attracts everyone's attention before I have the chance to say anything. It was embarrassing but Jada was by my side so she encouraged me to go on.

"Good afternoon, everyone, I can see you are all taking advantage of the open bar." I begin with a joke and everyone laughs breaking the ice. "Darius would have loved that, after his car, a cold one was his next favorite thing, even before me." I chide some more as I am more relaxed now.

"It's true." Ben yells from the bar making everyone laugh harder.

He sends me a wink letting me know that he has my back as well.

"I want to thank you all for coming today. Darius was special to each and every one of us in a different way. He will be missed." I say and falter for a moment.

So much for opening with a joke, that had only lasted so long.

Jada noticed my distress so she wrapped her arms around my waist offering me the support I needed.

"Darius died doing what he loved and that comforts me more than you will ever know and I hope it comforts you as well. Darius, my loving big brother, you were taken from us too soon. May you rest with the angels because God knows you deserve those wings, I love you, I always will."

That's all I have in me so I give the microphone to Tom and step off the sate with Jada by my side.

"You did good." Renee says giving me a side hug.

"Thanks." I chuckled even though I feel like I butchered it.

"She's right, you were great up there. Darius would be proud." Ben adds.

"I wish he didn't have a reason to be." I mumble under my breath but they all mange to hear me giving me unimpressed looks.

Before they can scold me, I am saved by Tom's speech as he takes over and makes everyone laugh sharing funny stories of Darius. More people take the stage as well, telling stories of their relationship with Darius. At some point it gets too emotional and nostalgic for me.

"That has been more than one hour, I want to go home." I say to Jada.

"Okay." She nods seeing that I've had enough.

We say goodbye to our friends and as many guests as we can on our way out. On the drive home I retrieve my phone to check the time and I am bombarded with messages from my boyfriend, Frank. I had been so caught up in my grief that I forgot I had a boyfriend.

"What's wrong?" Jada asks noticing the change in my demeanor.

"Frank." I mumble shortly replying to his messages.

"That jerk!" Jada cusses.

"Don't talk about him like that." I scold.

"I will when he actually proves to be anything but that. He could not even be bothered to show up for you today." Jada scoffs.

"He couldn't get a flight out. You know he is away on business in China." I defend.

Frank and I have been together for a little over a year. We met at the hospital when he came to get his appendix removed. We hit it off and as soon as he was discharged, he asked me out and we have been together ever since.

"I don't care if he is at the north pole. You needed him here and he wasn't, that's all there is to it." Jada grits out.

Jada has never liked Frank, she says he is too uptight for me. Come to think of it none of my friends really like Frank, Darius definitely didn't. They did not get along which was a bummer because I really like Frank and I would have loved it if Darius did as well. I guess now I never have to worry about that. Though I still have Jada and the rest of our friends to be sad about.

I refrain from saying anything more about Frank to avoid pissing Jada off as she is behind the wheel. When we get to the three-bedroom house Darius bought for us when we moved to Phoenix, I can't help but get emotional all over again. It has a lot of memories of the both of us.



"You don't have to go in there you know. I am more than happy to host you." Jada offers.

As tempting as that is, I want to be alone after spending all day surrounded by people.

"No, it's okay. I'll be fine." I reply.

"Okay but call me incase you need anything. I am here for you." Jada says as she hugs me goodbye at the door.

"I know, thank you Jay."

Jada leaves so I pick up the mail and start sorting it through as I let myself into the house. Most of them are bills and a couple of magazines I have subscriptions to but one in particular captures my attention. It is a letter addressed directly to me from Arizona State Prison Complex, the same prison my brother had been working undercover and died in. I thought the letter was from their management but on opening it I am surprised to see that it is handwritten, from an inmate. I toss the rest of the mail onto the table before kicking off my heels and taking a seat on my favorite sofa.

The handwriting is so neat, almost calligraphic. No man should have such a beautiful handwriting.

Dear Hannah,

Shit! Should I have called you dear. I'm sorry. I have never done this before and when we learnt letter writing in school, they said that's the right way to start a letter. But that was twenty years ago and maybe shit has changed now. Shit! Sorry again, I cuss a lot. Your brother was the only one who rivaled me when it came to that department.

I stopped reading to laugh because he was right, Darius did cuss like a sailor but he always liked to say that it was part of his charm.

You don't know me but I feel like I know you. You are all your brother talked about and since we were cellmates ever since he came here, I've heard all there is to hear about you and when I say everything, believe me its everything. If you don't believe me, he told me about that one time he caught you skinny dipping at a neighbor's pool when you were twelve. I'm sure not everyone knows that story so that's proof enough that I do know everything.

"Oh Darius, why would you tell him that?" I cry out amidst my laughter.

Now there is a creep in prison who knew the most intimate details about me.

I know letters are old school and I could just have called you but I did not want to spook you with a phone call from prison, like I said you do not know me.

Your brother would not shut up about you but it was endearing to hear him talk about you, it made the days and nights here a little shorter and more bearable.

I am rambling and I am not sure if I will even get the guts to send this but I wrote this to send you my condolences. Your brother was one of the greatest men I ever had the pleasure of meeting and his death was so unfortunate. He did not deserve to die like that especially when he had no business being in here in the first place. Before I say more than I should incase the guards read this letter I want you to know that I really am sorry for your loss. Your brother was a good, honourable man. He will be missed.

Take care of yourself Hannah, you know that is what your brother would have wanted for you. Remember to eat and get enough rest. It's okay to mourn but don't lie in that bed too long, you still have your own life to live. You need to live to honor his memory.

That is all for now, take good care of yourself. And now I am repeating myself.

Goodbye mami.

Yours truly,

Santiago C. Delgado.

I am smiling by the time I am done reading the letter, a genuine smile so I reread it again. Darius and I were not able to talk while he was undercover so I am intrigued by Santiago's letter. I want to know more about my brother's final days and only Santiago can give me that. I find a pen and a paper and start drafting a response letter. Writing back to Santiago is a welcome distraction from all the turmoil in my heart.

✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️✉️

Chapter one done.. What do we think?

I rarely cast my characters but I couldn't help myself this time. Feel free to imagine whoever you want to but these are who I imagine as Hannah and Santiago.



Hannah played by preciousleexoxo on Instagram. She's a verified plus size model.



Santiago played by Christian Ochoa Lavernia. I did not find him on Instagram but I've seen him on a couple of TV shows and he fit what I imagined Santiago to be.

For the rest of the characters let your imagination run wild.