Present Day

The wind blows against my face so harshly and it only makes me feel worse about being here.

Guilty in every way.

I push my auburn red locks past my face and prepare myself for a long lonely walk into my dark past.

No matter how many times my therapist says it, I can never leave my past behind me. It haunts me to this day, keeping me awake at night, and looks over my shoulder the moment I brush my teeth.

Flashes of my past scramble through my mind and I try to hold myself together but my eyes can only hold back so many tears. Trying not to ruin my makeup but it's hard.

It's just not fair.

There I go saying the same words I said twelve years ago.

But it's so true. Who would let something like this happen? What cruel being would let children live in the environment that we lived in? How could God keep us in a situation where we suffer so bad? No matter how many times we prayed, wished, hoped for a saving grace, we were still stuck. It made me question everything I believed in.

This almost solidified my doubts.

Almost.

Tears finally pushed through my eyelids and escape down my cheeks. I wipe them away with my hands but my heart aches the closer I get.

Nobody wants to visit their sibling in a casket or grave. It burns me up the moment I step outside of my car and go through the cemetery. Sometimes, I wonder why I even come here so often. Grief? Loneliness?

Guilt?

So much so that I kneel by the tombstone and plead my shoulda, coulda, woulda's while drowning in my own tears. All of these years after a being selfish and shit.

I should've stayed with my brothers and listened to my momma. I could've turned back around and stayed, protecting my brothers. I would've done that...

But I didn't.

I beat myself over this everyday and nobody can make me feel any different about what I've done to my family. They were my responsibility. I was supposed to be my brothers' keeper and I failed them.

There's no way to get that time with them, watch them grow up into grown men, talk to them about relationship problems or give them advice on these hoes out here.

This whole situation still pushes me back every day. I've been scarred and traumatized for life because of this. I know feeling like this ain't gonna bring them back but damn...

It still hurts after 12 years.

Now, Dewayne and Dorian are somewhere on the other side of the world while Damien sits in a mental home, awaiting for his release.

I finally step into the soil and find my brothers' tombstones. Pictures of them staple the top of it while their legal names and dates of birth and death to follow. Had it been left up to Momma, they wouldn't even have a tombstone. It was all left up to our grandmother and she gave me all control pretty much. She didn't give a damn about us or Momma so she just approved of everything I said.

I hug my younger brother's old blanket against my chest before spreading it across the ground and sitting on it. A tear falls from my eye instantly with a mouth full of apologies that spew out. I speak and a cry out for forgiveness the more it hurts.

This is the first time I've cried out loud in years. Nobody's around to see me but I still feel exposed. I cry when nobody can see me cry, in the privacy of my own space, and that ain't often. After experiencing the same type of pain over and over again, you become numb to it and run out of tears for a minute.

At this point, my makeup is ruined and shit while I'm in a fetal position, shouting out swears.

If I could just have one more chance, I'd stay with them. I'd listen to Damien and watch my brothers throughout the night. There were more parties and experiences for me to go through. I was still young. Half the people that were at that party don't talk to me like that anymore. We all grew up and went our separate ways.

You can have a bunch of friends, and they can come and go, but you only have one family. I only have those five brothers and nobody else really. It still hurts knowing that I put those temporary people over my brothers.

A pack of tissues fall from my purse as I have my little fit. A gush of wind hits my back with so much aggression right before I look up to the sky. The dark clouds slowly separate and bits of the sun shine between them.

My breaths are jagged and heavy as I collect my things and get myself together, hoping that no one saw me throw that little tantrum.

I look into the eyes of Donny and Darren, shake my head and remember that night when we all played on Daddy number 6's game system. Momma used to bring tons of men home with her and we were all expected to call them 'daddy' even though they were her playmates.

Anyway, it was Darren's turn to play against me in this dancing game and he picked the song. It was a very difficult song to dance to and I couldn't keep up with any of the dance moves. He was beating my ass.

But that wasn't what I was focused on. I got so frustrated that I dropped the remote and sat back down. I wasn't gonna have my little brother outdo me in dancing when I was part of the half timers and dancing was my thing. He kept teasing me to get back up but I wasn't with it.

He walked up to me, placed a hand on my shoulder, and looked me in my eyes just to say "Giving up ain't gonna get you where you wanna go, sis. Now, get up so you get your ass kicked."

Giving up ain't gonna get you where you wanna go...

But all I want to do is give up right now.

We're all separated. We're not all together anymore. How am I supposed to keep putting on this façade that everything is okay when it's not? How am I supposed to keep going? All by myself? Who's supposed to have us now?

He said he got us. No matter what.

Every sibling played a part in the family and Donovan was the one who kept us together for the most part. He's not here anymore and it's taken me 12 years to figure out how the hell to keep myself together. It's taken 12 years to figure out how to reach out to my other brothers.

Everything and everyone are gone.

I lay down, back against the blanket, and look up into the sky. I think about all the good times I had with my brothers and wonder why the hell I'm making this about myself.

I miss all of them so much but maybe it was their time to go so they could get some peace. They were called home because God needed them for something more important than just me and my other brothers.

They're happy. They're at peace. They don't have to live in fear or pain anymore and that's all that really matters, I guess.

I'm grateful for all the experiences we had together. Everything that happened, we all went through together and not everyone has that in their life. Some people have to walk through this life all by themselves. I get to say that I had siblings that had my back no matter what, that loved me despite my selfish needs.

They loved me. They cared for me. They had me...

They still have me.

The sun begins to shine through the few clouds in the sky and I grin just a little. The sun will still shine on us despite everything that may be going wrong. It may not appear as bright due to clouds but you know that it'll come back out. It's dependable and always shines on us.

Hopefully, the positive impact that my brothers left on my family shines through and people recognize them. Their legacy continues and lives on for years to come.