“I love my family so much, they are nice, sweet and they look after me when I’m upset.” I sat in one of the seats in our Year 2 class watching as Erin stood up the front reading out her work to the class, our teacher Mrs. Brady, watching on with a proud smile.

“In my family there is my mum and my dad who buy me everything I want,” she listed off “and then there is my twin brother Liam – who is right there.” She pointed out eagerly and I giggled softly as I watched Liam blush slightly and sink slightly lower in his chair, still he beamed brightly back at his little sister “than there is my bestest sister in the world Mel, who’s just-“

“She isn’t your sister!” Jake a boy in our class called out loudly, catching Erin off guard as she looked like she’d been slapped in the face.

“She is too!” Erin cried backwards, her face turning red with a mixture of rage and humiliation.

Jake shook his head as he pointed back at me “She’s your friend not your sister. Isn’t that right Mrs. Brady?” he asked her, seeking teachers clarification smugly as I felt like I’d been struck in the stomach.

Mrs. Brady hesitated before answering “Well yes, Melissa is Erin’s friend, not her sister.” She confirmed as Jake looked childishly smugly up at Erin.

“She is so!” Liam cried from the table over, startling me beyond belief at the rage upon his face “She practically lives with us and my dad said you don’t have to have blood- the same blood” he corrected himself getting worked up “to be family!” he cried back at Jake.

Mrs. Brady’s eyes grew in alarm “That’s very true Liam, now clam down and sit back in your seat.” She tried soothing the situation as I watched Liam in awe, my eyes following his every movement.

Liam gave Jake one last look before sitting back down in his seat, looking like a wild scary bear as he folded his arms and huffed. Erin hesitated before smiling brightly at her brother with gratitude and respect – she had always seen her brother as her hero – before she started reading again.

“Mel is my sister; we play lots of games together and have lots of sleepovers! And one day I asked mum if we could share my room with her because we were sisters and mum said yes….”

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“I can’t believe you just barged in there!” I cried, barging just like he had before in through my front door and instantly into the house, not a home but a house.

“Look I know it was stupid alright? But you know how I get when I’m mad!” Liam cried storming quickly in behind me trying to keep up as I trudged into the kitchen and reached for the fridge.

I snorted as I threw the freezer open “Yeah, and of all people you take it out on your broken hearted twin. Good job, bravo.” I mocked sarcastically as I greedily pulled the ice cream tub towards me and threw the lid off only to frown, I may act like a crazed animal at times but I wasn’t that wild to eat and claw the ice cream out with my fingers.

I spun around to find Liam right behind me, instantly startling me as my eyes grew and I gasped. Liam had an expressionless face as he held up a spoon in his hand as an offering and a little part of me that was furious at him still nearly crumble to smithereens. I took it from his hands and not caring how unhealthy or even lady like I appeared I shoveled a huge spoonful of chocolate chip ice cream into my mouth aggressively.

After a couple more shovels and the anger was thawing from my body – or either the freezers freezing temperatures from the still wide open door was freezing and melting away all that molten lava rage – I looked up at Liam was looking at me still, with an expression that left me feeling as if I had just been slapped in the face by my worst enemy.

There wasn’t even that smug smile crossed between bewildered awe and amusement at how I ate like always saw, I knew he found me amusing as he declared I was the first girl he’d ever met that literally didn’t give two hoots about etiquette or being ladylike and all feminine around the male gender. Screw that, I wasn’t some damsel in distress and I certainly wasn’t going to change my ways so a guy could walk all over me and break my nonexistent heart that was now just a figment of my imagination and something I spoke figuratively of.

I sighed heavily as I reached over into the draw for another spoon, stabbing the spoon into the ice cream so that it stood up straight buried in the richness of heaven I shoved the container in his hands as I apologized “I’m sorry, look I know you were mad and angry, I do.” I answer sincerely wanting him to believe me “It’s just…” I trailed off trying to find words to make him realize what he did was utterly uncalled for without making the guilt eat him alive anymore than it already had.

Liam sighed heavily, with such strain “Look I know I fucked up, really I do.” He said with such seriousness I couldn’t help but question if Liam had another twin – or rather triplet – who took on a total bipolar to him. You’d have Ez the utter daydreamer that was beyond stubborn and was stronger and braver than what she has ever realized, which only made her more oblivious. Than Liam the utter cocky, hilarious boy that had devilishly good looks and yet when you saw the real him you’d see how utterly nurturing and protective he was when you crossed that line of hurting his family. Let alone if there was a third guy like the one before me that was both raging with anger and blazing with open fire but then could do a three sixty and be all serious and sincere. Two Cormack’s was certainly more than enough, let alone this one.

Liam stabbed at the ice cream and I took him by the elbow and gently led him over to the lounge room as he heavily threw himself upon the lounge causing it to scrape on the floorboards. The inner me arrogantly took joy at the sight of mum’s newly polished floorboards being already scratched, it seemed only fair since those floorboards she loved and gave more time and attention to than she had ever done with me. She most definitely took more pride and love in them than with me, but maybe that was my fault. I had learnt at such a young age that I simply was some that would never be lovable or something to be proud in, people got out of my life quicker than I could give them a reason to stay.

Liam sighed heavily, raking his large hand through his hair as he dragged me from my drowning thoughts “I just...it's Erin, you know? I just….I feel like I don’t know her anymore, I haven’t been there and that’s hard enough to admit let alone admitting that it’s my fault and nobody else’s.” He struggled his eyes downcast as I could see the sheer torment and regret blazing in those hauntingly beautiful eyes of his “It’s hard saying that you’ve lost touch with a family member, but saying you lost touch with your twin? The person you shared a womb with…there’s no words Mel that describes how sick it makes me feel in knowing that.” he murmured fiercely with rage and heartbreaking pain and regret, guilt.

I smiled sadly as I shoved aside that…jealousy cocooned deep within me. I had always been jealous of the life that Erin and Liam had shared, their lives seemed all so easy with their perfect loving family. They even had the picket fence and the dog. Since such a young age I used to always ask myself why I couldn’t have that but as I grew older and watched all those pulled from me, people who ran from me, my father, my mother, Mrs. Albert my nanny, every boy at a party I had ran into that promised me everything just to have that one night of fun and I had stupidly agreed simply so I could feel wanted – just for one moment in time. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that I was cursed for a lifetime of loneliness and emptiness and the saddest part of all was that I had already prepared myself for it.

I wanted to be heard so badly, just for once for someone to ask me how I was, if I was okay or how my day was, like I had witnessed Liam and Erin’s parents ask as soon as they walked through their front door with the picket fence. But, as usual I ignored the demanding scream and pleas for affection, care and attention and I reached over to Liam and squeezed his shoulder caringly as I soothed him and like any other day I even ran away from myself.

“She knows that Liam, she knows that you didn’t mean it. She just needs some time…to wrap her head around all these things. She’s had such a brutal past week.” I soothed soothingly, wincing as I realized how true that was.

It was that truth alone that told me just why I deserved to be alone; I had done nothing or said nothing about Jed and Falan. True I had found out about all that had been going on the night it had all ended and Ez had gone to the party and yet…I knew I should have done more and I should have been there earlier. Maybe that’s why Liam’s own expression was reflected upon my own face.

Liam reached up and weaved his fingers with my own that rested on his shoulder and he held my hand in his lap, his fingers absentmindedly running in discovery all along my fingers and palm tenderly. “I just…I knew she was miserable and something was going on, but she was avoiding me and even my parents just said to let her be and give her some time to wrap her head around the thoughts but…I wish I was there Mel, I wish she never walked in on that last night.” he murmured, his head falling back on the back of the couch and looking up at the ceiling.

My heart squeezed tighter at the thought of what Liam would say or do – even to me – if he found out that the least awful thing that had happened to Erin this week was Jed cheating on her. But Ez and I had both came to the agreement that it was a good thing, it was officially over, Erin was single, the video was gone and the boys….Well if the pills Erin found in Jed’s pockets were any proof we now had our own form of bribery if needed. That way, the both of us were free of all the disgust, anger and sheer disappointment we’d face not only by Erin’s parents and the boys that held our hearts but even ourselves.

We were free, it was over.

I sighed softly, choking on it as my throat constricted as it just wanted to scream the words at him; it was so hard to keep a secret from Liam. But that’s all I had been doing my entire life with Liam, lying. All the lies I had fed him; “I’m okay.”, “I don’t want to know my father.”, “I don’t care about my mum, I like living alone in this cool house.” And the worst of all; “I don’t love you.” Someday I knew I’d break and all these bottled up emotions would just be released and when that moment came I wished that Liam had already ran away.

My breathing hitched, choking as I felt the built up terror swarm through me as I knew no matter what I’d lose Liam one day because he’d run. It was just a matter of one of my demons or acts of betrayal to meet his ears; me lying to him about the truth of Erin, him learning about my past demons with my family and my true desires and dreams or even him simply learning how completely broken and inconsolable I was – I was a lost case.

“Do you ever turn the lights on in this place?” Liam’s low bitter voice met my ears, startling me back to now as he looked around with a torn up expression as he looked about.

I shrugged “It seems kind of pointless, I am the only one here. Half of the rooms haven’t even been used yet after all these years, and I’m barely here myself at times.” I admitted softly, waving it off as if it didn’t make my heartbreak every time I thought about it, or saw my mother’s perfectly made bed that never sported a mother but rather a stranger who shared the same blood as I.

Liam snorted softly “You know what I’d do?”

I smiled wryly, resisting the urge to roll my eyes; Liam always had wild and nasty ideas of a silent way of punishing and pissing off my mother “And what would that be?”

“I’d leave everything running twenty four seven, hell I’d even leave the showers running ‘till they get cut off.” he mused, a faint smile curling at his lips as he continued staring up at the plain white ceiling.

I rolled my eyes at that one “Really?” I asked bemused and simply disbelieving.

“Yeah,” he said eagerly as he chortled softly “than when she opens the bills, be sure to capture it all with hidden cameras so we can watch them over and over on a daily basis.” He continued chuckling, his smile growing “It’d never get old.”

I laughed softly, repressing the roaring fire within at the thought; the little peeved me within wanting to do it so badly. Just so she could feel an ounce of rage and displeasure that I’ve felt my entire life.

Liam sighed heavily again and I watched as that sinfully rueful smile slowly faded from his face and it went back to being a mask of torment and I instantly knew we were back to the same thoughts as before. My lips tipped sympathetically as I let my fingers curl around the very same hand that was still toying with my fingers as I spoke softly, trying to console him somehow “You know, I gave her the space she needed too.” I whispered softly “I-I did what I would want if I was going through something, I just gave her the time to sort herself out. I had told her that there were rumors and she hadn’t listened…” I lied, the lie tasting like poison on my tongue and yet I knew it was the only way to make Liam feel less guilty “It may not seem like it but this was a good thing…if she didn’t see it, she’d be with him still and she may have done something really stupid…”

Like drugs, or had sex with him, or even become his full time boxing bag I thought bitterly as I realized just how true those words were. If I hadn’t told Ez about our suspicions of Jed cheating she may have stayed with him oblivious, thinking she was in live and he may have gotten her hooked on drugs, had slept with him or because she thought she was in love she would have stayed with him and allowed him to bruise her. Things had worked out how we wanted; Ez was single. Yet I couldn’t help but wish with everything within me that it had happened in a better way…

Liam grunted in distaste, kicking his legs up onto glass coffee table and I wished those shoes were slathered and covered in mud. Oh how I wished.

I watched Liam as he rolled his shoulders and I frowned in distaste as I saw just how stiff and strained they were. His shoulders looked bigger than I had ever seen, so tense and rigid that he looked almost like a surly vicious bear. This strong part of me whimpered in pain at the sight of the damage all of this was even having on him, it wasn’t just affecting us girls; the boys had battle wounds too, Liam just like me though had taken the blows in silence and put everyone else first.

I stood up from the lounge diagonal to him startling him as standing on the lounge I jumped from my two seater to his and stood beside him. “Move forward a bit.” I coached him, waving my hands in direction. Liam frowned up at me torn with amusement and confusement that looked mighty adorable on him, but nevertheless he moved forward. I smiled softly as I knelt behind him and leaned around him and turned the TV on, changing it to latest episodes of Futurama and began to gently thaw and massage his back out.

Liam moaned softly as in silence I massage his back, my fingers unlinking and unhooking all those knots in his shoulders and back, and with each gradual release he’d make a sound of pleasure. Doing this I had only done it out of sheer care and friendliness and yet as time passed and he made more sounds and my hands wandered, moving in tender caresses, did I realize just how seriously intimate this action was. What was I doing?

I cleared my throat trying to find words to make this moment seem less…heated and beautiful, that wouldn’t send him the wrong message. Because despite the message of my affections would be true it didn’t mean that I had the courage or the want to admit them, because even if I did feel the same way as Liam he’d run and leave, no matter what he felt right now. No matter what I couldn’t risk putting my heart out on the line for anybody because I knew the consequences and the ending result.

But I couldn’t, because my hands throbbed and warmed under his heated and broad shoulders and back, my body heating and throbbing at the touch of his muscular back that left me panting like a female dog in heat. Just like his spicy and masculine scent tickled my nose and leaving me craving more like an addict as my head would lean closer and closer intimately, just like my body was sewn intimately to his body, fitting to his back and curves perfectly to the point that my mind swirled with….erotic thoughts.

My tongue tied with a dry mouth as I found utterly no thoughts what so ever and my head spiraled dizzy by his enticing scent and heat, my body betraying me of what I wanted to do, what I wanted to do to him. I want to pull back, as if his body was as freezing cold and scarring as frozen ice and just like went you touch ice with your skin – or more importantly your tongue – I was frozen in place, unable to move.

 Liam’s sudden soft chuckle snapped me from my throbbing form and thoughts and I couldn’t help but smile as I looked down at him with his eyes trained on the TV screen as he chuckled softly with the ice cream tub in his lap, the sight warming my heart and all I wanted was to be a part of that moment.

I reached forward not even thinking as I laid my chin on his shoulder as I reached over him for the ice cream, wanting to be soothed and cool down and just to simply enjoy this moment with him. I thought nothing about how even more intimate this moment was, with my back fully pressed against his back, my breasts squashed and pressed firmly upon his, just as intimately as my pelvis and my warm breath tickling his neck as I watched a small tendril of a shiver to race down his body. My hands had reached down his body to his lap and curled around the tub of ice cream, very close to other frozen solid parts of his body and I froze in place, my breath caught as I realized just what kind of position and situation I had situated myself in.

My hands snapped up quickly before my eyes, like touching ice and I pulled away, only for Liam’s hands faster than lightening and my own to snap up and capture my hands in his, holding them tight in his and I instantly knew he certainly wasn’t letting go. He was silent as he wrapped both hands around him, my arms wrapping around his shoulder as he held me tightly to his back, saying nothing. I laid against his back, my chin resting on his shoulder as he watched the TV as if this was nothing and I laid there as frozen as a plank, not even blinking. It made me so mad at how guys can act like that, how such things that were big deal to us girls could be bounced off them unaffectedly and we were left frozen and breathless. Didn’t they feel anything? Didn’t we leave them breathless and winded like they did to us? Didn’t we make them weak in the knees and have them feeling queasy with butterflies? Or were we forever doomed to a life of guys who simply were unaffected by our presence and didn’t need us to survive? I hated it how the females were always the weak ones.

“You know,” Liam murmured softly, breaking the silence and sounding utterly and completely indifferent to what had just happened “Ez is probably going to think that it was you who told me about the whole Jed cheating thing, ya know?” he said taking a spoonful of ice cream.

“Shit.” I hissed having not realized that Ez was instantly going to think and blame me as to blabbing to Liam about it. I wasn’t that low though, that task and job was for Erin to do as a sister and I was going to let her do it as part of the code.

Liam nodded “It’s going to make more sense than some random guy….what was his name again?” he trailed off frowning.

I frowned trying to think back to the moment earlier today. Liam and I had met up in town at the pizza joint as he had promised; I was outside waiting for Liam as he was inside paying. Eli had spotted me and came racing over worried as all hell about Erin and wanting to know if Liam knew anything more, even me. Before I could even knock them back though stating girl code and that Ez would tell when the time was right, Liam was storming out of the pizza store, threw the pizza box to the ground and legged it his mum’s store where Erin was, Eli and I struggling to keep up.

I shrugged gently at the memory “I’m not sure, I wasn’t inside there with you. You didn’t even tell us what happened in there, we only knew what you knew when you started yell- saying what you heard in your mum’s store.” I corrected myself quickly, not wanting to set him back into a depressed mood as I thought of how shocked I felt, as if punched in the stomach and left breathless when the accusation had left Liam’s mouth early.

I had been beaten to shock nearly as much as Eli and the look upon his face would be forever engrained into my face at seeing how openly shocked, wounded; enraged and needing he was to go to Ez. Yet only now did all those actions make sense and it only made everything worse knowing that Ez had been lying to me for how long now? What she kept from me was such a gigantic thing; it was a thing girls were meant to share together the very next day curled up in bed giggling and comparing sizes. My eyes as I remembered that was exactly has Erin had said on the phone to me….those comments suddenly made sense. I wasn’t a mind reader though, how was I meant to know? It hurt that I found out the way I did and I knew I hadn’t told Erin either but it wasn’t the same, for me it was a haunting memory, for Erin it was a magical one. Well, what I presumed it would be. True she had technically cheated on Jed and all and she was scared and everything but we were best friends, since when was Erin lying also in this friendship?

A fuming frown covered Liam’s face again that I hated seeing upon his face, “Jed’s friend Rick was in there,” he murmured softly and I nodded thinking of Rick, him and Jed you didn’t seen hanging out together much or at all anymore and it made me wonder if Rick didn’t like the changing Jed either “and Rick’s other mate was talking as they stood behind me in line, oblivious that I was there as he told him about the girl Jed got with last night.” he murmured, his voice going steely cold.

Soothingly I ran my hands up and down his arms, from his shoulders right down to his wrists, over and over again trying to soothe him “You thought they meant Erin.” I pieced together out loud.

Liam nodded with a grunt “It made sense, she was in ruins last night and I knew that they…that she…god the thought set me off Mel, I turned around having paid for the pizza and I grabbed his mate by the shirt.” He murmured lowly, wincing slightly at the memory “I demanded to know who it was and he had spluttered to me that it was Madison.” He murmured softly.

I hummed, letting him know I was listening as I continued running my hands up his arms, the action even soothing myself.

“There is this part of me Mel…this part of me that is so relieved to hear that she hadn’t lost her virginity to him, slept with him. The thought sickens me that I was happy that he cheated on her Mel, but I can’t help it. I feel…relieved and I don’t know who I should be more made at; Jed or myself.” He murmured his tone full of confliction and torment.

I hummed softly, almost like singing a baby softly to sleep with a lullaby “I felt relieved too you know?” I murmured softly into his neck “I think at the end of the day her finding out this way about Jed before she did sleep with him is ten times better than her sleeping with him and than finding out.” I murmured soothingly, letting him know his thoughts weren’t sick or at least he wasn’t having these so called sick thoughts alone.

Liam grunted as he stretched his legs out “Than to find out afterwards that my sister had already lost her virginity to….to Eli…” he trailed off; his voice again conflicted with emotions.

“You know Li loves her so much.” I soothed gently, unable but to feel like two parents talking about their children growing up and we somewhat were, Liam and I had always played the parents to these two.

Liam sighed heavily “I know, it’s just…she was dating Jed and I just…I hope it was with pure intentions and that she realizes that although Jed’s a total dick that cheating isn’t…right.” He murmured stiffly, sticking to his morals making me proud “It doesn’t matter who you cheat on or that you love this other person, it simply doesn’t make it right.” He murmured roughly.

I nodded softly, unable but to agree and yet… “But its Ez and Li Liam,” I whispered softly “those two deserve each other, so much.” I murmured softly.

Liam sighed softly “Yeah I know, I don’t care if they cheated. I just hope it’s what she wants ya know? That she isn’t just doing it as revenge to Jed or rebelling. Maybe it’s too soon for her to move on so quickly. Or maybe-“

I laughed softly “Liam,” I murmured softly “they are our friends, not our children.” I whispered gently, swaying with him on the spot as I tightened my arms around him.

“I know, it’s just…it’s my little sister.” He explained heavily.

“Maybe it’s time we stop acting like parents to the two of them and act like friends and you as a brother. You can’t protect her forever.” I murmured soothingly “Besides,” I added “it’s Eli Liam, he’s going to be there protecting her before you even hear news that she needs you and I think deep down that’s what is bugging you the most.” I murmured softly “You don’t care about all that other shit, you just don’t want to lose your baby sister.” I murmured softly, already knowing the truth.

“She’s my baby sister Mel.” He murmured back throatily.

I laughed softly with affection and sympathy as I crawled around him and knelt before him, between his wide spread legs on the floor as I reached up for his hands, weaving our fingers together. “You are so adorable.” I murmured back gently, touched at how utterly sweet and amazing this boy…no man before me was, he was one in a million.

Liam’s lipped tipped weakly “I guess there is one good thing out of all of this.” He murmured softly looking down at me before him.

I rolled my eyes teasingly “What? That I called you adorable?” I asked, already knowing where his thoughts were going.

Liam chuckled softly with a quirked smile “No, that even if I stop being Erin’s favorite man and protector it doesn’t mean I won’t be that for other people.” He murmured looking at me knowingly as his fingers curled under my chin “I’m always going to be protecting you.”

I blushed softly, looking away “It’s going to be boring Liam.”

“Why do you say that?” Liam asked softly reaching down and pulling me up to sit on his lap and in my weak moment I didn’t even resist.

I shrugged still not looking at him “There is no one to protect me from.” except for you I added on silently.

“Oh really?” Liam asked challenging me with his light tone of voice as he rethreaded our fingers together, my legs straddling him as I looked down at the middle of his chest, still not looking at him.

I hummed in agreement, saying nothing else.

“So you’re not going to tell me what else has been going on in that little head of yours other than Erin?” he asked softly, his voice smug with knowing that only made me want to punch him in that smug face.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I lied, tensing above him which he could probably easily pick up upon. Curse him and his reading abilities, curse how he so easily knew and could read me.

Liam snorted “Mel I’m far from stupid, don’t think I haven’t noticed how much more…guarded you’ve become after the party. Are you going to tell me what’s going on? Is it….is it the video?” he hesitated, his voice controlled.

I shook my head saying nothing, brushing the hair behind my ears.

“Mel I know something else has been going on outside of Erin, you can act all you want but I know you Mel, I know you more than you’re willing to admit.” He murmured sincerely, passionately “I know that scares you sweetie, I do.” he murmured understandingly “I just wish you’d talk to me…” he trailed off, making my heart throb in guilt.

I shook my head, biting my tongue from offloading onto him. To tell him how every day I come home to this empty house and at first there used to only be one message that was on the home phones voicemail. But now there are always two, two voicemail messages from two parents that have left me abandoned and broken and yet are still capable of sending me to bed broken and ruins. Or there was at school how every person looked down their nose upon me for being the slut who was filmed for her first time, the gossip, the hit on lines and even the snotty look parents and teachers gave me, classified as the unfixable. How I hated so much this trapped and numb feeling deep within me, as the real me was trying to claw her way out and be free, to actually confess all these feelings inside and release all this pent up…depression.

Liam sighed softly, his hand reaching out and tenderly molding to the side of my face as he drew me into his chest, holding me there as it was his turn to soothe me. His hand running up and down my back soothingly “I just wish you’d talk to me…” he trailed off, telling me just how much he didn’t buy my lies and still to this day I couldn’t decide if I hated that about him or loved it.

“I will talk to you,” I murmured softly “when I have a problem.” I added on with amendments, not wanting to give him the wrong ideas.

Liam said nothing for a while as he held me close, his face buried in the crown of my head as he rocked me gently before he sighed heavily, almost with dejection “Do you promise me you’ll tell me whenever you have a problem or are hurt?” he asked softly “Even if it’s a paper cut?” he pressed almost making my lips quirk.

My throat constricted as my confessions were bubbling deep within me, and yet I still fought them down knowing the consequences of the truth. You speak the truth and show how scarred you really are you’ll only end up hurt. I had shown my mother how hurt I had been about dad’s absence at my school show and she had taken me to see dad and in the end I hadn’t only hurt myself by my confessions by what we saw, but also my mum.

My fingers curled in his shirt as I said nothing, I didn’t think I could handle another lie to Liam. To my relief I was saved by the phone ringing and as I looked over at the clock from the kitchen to read it was half past three I didn’t get up to answer it.

Liam groaned softly getting up and sitting me back down on the couch “I’ll get it.” he muttered as he made his way towards the phone on the kitchen bench.

I only groaned muttering “Don’t answer it, it’s only mum.” I muttered muffled burying my face in my pillow.

The phone kept ringing and then I heard the beep as it transferred over to the voice mail box, Liam obviously not answering it. I listened to mum’s voice telling the person on the other – her – to leave a message. It wasn’t until I heard the voice on the other end did fear shoot through me.

“Hi,” he heavily sighed “it’s me again jelly bean, dad.” My head snapped up, my heart clutching with sheer freezing fear “I’ve been trying to ring you over and over again and I know you’ve been getting them and that you’re ignoring me since I saw you the other week.” I scrambled to my feet chanting the same words over and over again as I scrambled into the kitchen seeing Liam’s tense back as he reached down for the phone.

No! No! No! No! I thought weeping miserably as I ran up behind Liam, my arms flying out and wrapping tightly around him just like my legs as I yanked his hands away, making him stumble back with me clawing onto him. I fought against his hold as he fiercely struggled for the phone to do something I’d been dreading.

“I just…I’d just really love it if you could call me back jelly bean, just give me a call or something back alright? I just really want to talk to you…” he trailed off before he disconnected.

Beep.

The room around me entirely froze, the stiff stony silence left me utterly breathless as I panted softly, out of breath and petrified of what I was going to hear next. Clumsily and feeling disconnected I let my legs slide down Liam’s body as I stumbled backwards to clash into the wall softly, watching his tense rigid back in the stony silence.

It was no secret of what Liam thought of my father.

“Jelly….bean?” Liam’s terse voice demanded, thickly breaking the silence and only making me wince “The other week?” he murmured again lethally with that dangerously frightening calm voice of his, about as piercing as the slice of a knife.

I gulped softly a part of me wanting to just run and shield my ears, to not listen to a thing. I was petrified of what he was to say, what was to come. Liam had heard enough enraging news today; it’d be too overwhelming to hear this. These days he seemed to be turning Hulk more and more and I don’t think I could see it again today. I wanted to run away and weep before what I knew was to come, he’d be angry at me, so angry at me for not telling him and being about to promise that everything was okay and I’d talk to him when it wasn’t. He’d be so ashamed and disgusted, and the chance that this was the moment he’d stride out that door slamming it to never been seen again was so high that I was convinced that already time had run out for the two of us.

I was right though, in that moment with his back turned to me, so enraged and disgusted he couldn’t look at me he started fuming and yelling “He’s been trying to contact you for over an entire week?!” he shouted throwing his hands up in the air to only slam them down on mum’s precious marble table top – all of mum’s prize possessions taking a hit today.

I cowered back and before he could see or hear I fled the room, racing silently up the stairs and to my room not wanting to hear his painful words of rejection. Instead I raced in, closing the door behind me as I again slid down the side of the door. The inner me, who was caged and buried deep down wanted to scream and cry, to chuck a tantrum and bash my hands and feet against the floor to get rid of all of this pent up emotion and pain and yet I simply couldn’t – I was past burning with those emotions, rather now I was numb and dead.

I shivered violently at those thoughts, it petrified me. I didn’t want to be this numb and broken girl, I still wanted to be alive and happy even if I still protected my heart. That was possible wasn’t it, to still be happy and alive even if I let no one completely in?

I pulled the shirt over my fingers as this ache deep within me clawed its way through my insides. It was as if I was trying to claw my way out of this miserable body and life and I could literally feel my fingers curl in upon themselves, this hunger deep within me wanting to honestly claw at my skin. I wrapped my long sleeved shirt over my fingers so I couldn’t pierce my skin despite the voice inside my head asking me ‘so what if you did?’ That voice frightened me beyond means, left me breathless and shaking as it constantly reminded me of what I had become; all of this had bought me to where I was now, actually contemplating even for a millisecond why I cared anymore, why I just didn’t chuck it all away.

I would not become that though, I would never let anyone around me bring me down to the point I’d contemplate suicide. I’d rather live a miserable life with a fake façade than even for a moment letting them think they’d won this fight. I was going to prove to all of them that I don’t need them, that I’m perfectly fine and the only way of achieving that was with a fake smile and keeping myself together.

I shook out my hands that shook as I gasped softly under my breath, I wasn’t even able to cry and yet my body was trying to cry to relieve me some way possible, anyway possible. I stood up, needing to shake away all these horrifying thoughts I’d shaken off for so long and if anything had been numbing with Liam around. But being in this moment right now, with my father’s message lighting up on the phone, Liam downstairs disgusted and enraged by me and ready to leave, a best friend I was losing and now throwing herself on her bed with no mum to come to the rescue I truly felt the impact of how desolate my life will forever be.

I felt all so overwhelmed and conflicted as I lay on my side on my bed, facing the wall as I stared blankly. There was all so much going on within my mind that I didn’t know which demon or question to answer first. They surrounded so many things like do I reply to my father? Or do ignore that little part of me that craved his affection and to hear his voice and try as hard as I can to cut him out of my life? Do I tell my mum that he is practically harassing me? Then there was my social life, how much longer could I take of being harassed and become gossip central at school? How much longer could I lie and keep these major secrets from Liam? And even if I did confess, would he leave me too? Not to mention Erin, are we still friends or was I slowly but surely losing her too? And the biggest question of all, if I confessed my true feelings to Liam who would run first; Liam or myself?

The bed suddenly behind me dipped under the weight of another person and suddenly their arms wrapped around me from behind, drawing me into their front until he was practically wrapped all around me and blanketing me like a body guard. He drew the blankets up to cover the both of us in the sheer silence as he curled me tightly into his chest just simply holding me in the silence. His arms curled around my stomach in something you could call almost a protective and possessive moment and his thumbs drew lazy patterns gently along my bare skin of stomach as my shirt rose leaving me breathless as I let go a ragged breath.

“You’re not Super Woman sweetie.” Liam finally murmured roughly, his face curled into the side of my neck, his warm breath tickling my delicate skin.

“I know.” I whispered softly, my voice thick with strain and emotion, betraying myself.

“I wish I could read your mind at times, than for once I’d actually know what was going on in your head rather than finding out from everyone else.” He murmured roughly, his chest reverberating against my back.

Guilt hit me just as much as his words, it was true; Liam was always finding out my demons from somebody else; sleeping with Falan, my father, what else was next…? I swallowed roughly “You don’t want to read my mind.” I whispered honestly, the thought of Liam hearing how dark and frightening my thoughts could be petrified me, I didn’t want his pity or sympathy. I just wanted Liam.

“No, you’re right.” He murmured honestly, surprising me “I want just you, only you.” He murmured passionately, nuzzling into my shoulder.

I shuddered shaking my head as I felt like I was frothing at the mouth, all of these I wanted to say ready to break through and free. I wanted to tell him with everything within me the truth, the demons and lies and yet I held back because that would mean losing Liam.

“Do you….do you want to talk about it?” he murmured hesitantly, being cautious and gentle and most importantly not pressuring me into anything. I knew how I acted in moments like this, something similar to a child or a wild animal, I had to do things on my own and to be approached gently because if not all ground covered would be lost and I’d turn around running in the opposite direction. One thing I hated the most in life was those pushy people that felt like they deserved all the answers in the world.

I let go a ragged breath “I-I thought I could handle it.” I quivered softly “I thought I’d just ignore him, the people at school and-“ the lies and secrets I’ve kept from you I added silently “But I c-can’t.” My voice shook and broke as I fought back the tears that now were bubbling to the surface.

Liam’s arms around me flexed as he drew me tighter, closer – even though it didn’t seem possible. “You don’t have to handle it by yourself sweetie.” He murmured gently “I’m here wanting to be a part of your life and problems to help you and look after you.”

I shook my head gently as I sniffled, choking back on a broken sob “You don’t wanna…” I trailed off shaking my head.

Liam’s arms wrapped around me pulling on me until suddenly I was facing him, his large beautiful eyes right before me making my own grow in shock. His arms drew me closer into him so that he could still look me dead in the eyes but still our noses were brushing against each other. “Mel,” he murmured holding my gaze, his eyes so wide and earnest “I want to be there for you, I’m not going anywhere. Do you hear me? Can you understand that?”

My lower lip trembled as I looked away, my sight glazing over from tears “I c-can’t.”

“Why?” he breathed, his eyes searching my face intently.

I shook my head fighting back the tears “Because he promised me the exact same thing.” I broke, my voice breaking and the tears breaking the bank as they washed down my face, burning my cold skin and my lips.

Liam said nothing as I spoke truth, shed light to one of my many demons but rather his arms wrapped tightly around me. One hand curled wrapped protectively bunched up in my hair and the other around my body as he drew me in, sinking into his heat, warmth and lulling scent. He held me so tightly together I thought we’d morph together, it was as if he was terrified that any moment that he’d lose me from his clutches all together as I wept and cried brokenly into his chest, this pent up emotion surfacing and just breaking through as I clung onto him just as fiercely, not ready for the fall.

He held me close as I continued to cry, his arms rocking me gently and barely at all as he ran his fingers through my hair, humming softly to soothe me. “That man isn’t anything to you.” He murmured fiercely.

I shook my head severely “We share the same blood Liam, we are family.” I sobbed, my tears coming faster again as I spoke.

“You share the same blood, but you certainly do not share the same heart.” He murmured roughly into my temple, pressing his lips there as we laid in a tangle of flesh “He was never family, you have your very own family, with Erin, Eli, my parents and with me sweetie; we are family.”

I sobbed brokenly “But he’s meant to!” I cried brokenly in my chest “He’s meant to be family Liam!”

“Shhh sweetie, shhh.” Liam cooed to me, rocking me gently “He’s not meant to, he’s meant to earn it and he lost that the very moment he lost all sense of value on this earth.” He murmured roughly, his words doing things to my heart that I never thought I’d feel again, especially in such a broken moment as this.

I sobbed softly, my fingers curling and knotting deeper in his shirt as I buried my face in his chest and inhaling his smell of safety and promises “It’s not that.” I whispered thickly, my head shaking back and forth in disagreement.

“What is it then?” he murmured roughly, his hands holding me dangerously tight on the verge of even being slightly painful but for me it was only comforting. It had been a long time since I had let myself break down in anyone else’s arms and not on my own let alone a long time since someone comforted me back and was there for me to help pick up the pieces.

I shook my head “I’m unlovable.” I whimpered softly, the words breaking free before I could even bite my tongue my words so soft though I wasn’t sure if he even heard them.

But he did, oh god did he.

Before I could even blink or link thoughts together, his hands grabbed my face fiercely passionately in his as he slammed his lips upon my own. I gasped against his lips, my eyes flying opened wide to only see his eyes closed shut tight, his expression pierced with so much passion and emotion it left me just as breathless as the kiss that he sunk all those emotions through with. His lips burnt my own as they moved roughly and yet so passionately against my own that I thought my lips were going to be burnt down to ash as he they moved to ardently and deep against me. He kissed me so deep and fervently that I felt it all the way down to my toes as they curled in the sheets and suddenly I was boiling like an inferno despite the freezing temperatures within this empty, barren house.

My fingers drew up and sunk, delving deeply into his hair as my fingers knotted one in his shirt and the other in his hair as he kissed me back fervently, his lips forcing my lips apart ‘till his hot breath was literally tickling and stroking the back of my throat ‘till the point I thought I’d combust in any moment. I moaned softly in the back of my throat as the kiss continued to deepen as I tasted him upon my tongue, my lips and even my breath just like I could feel every inch, crevice and sinful fall of his dangerously eliciting body as he had me melting into satisfied flesh as I clawed him closer. I panted raggedly against his lips, feeling myself become cut off from all around me including oxygen and I simply didn’t care because I had never felt this close to heaven in my entire life and I didn’t want to lose that – I didn’t want to lose the feeling of happiness, love and most importantly wholesome.

He kissed me like he didn’t just need me, but like he wanted me.

Liam’s lips tore from my own swollen lips leaving me breathless and panting through dazed heavy eyes as he dragged me in and buried me in his chest again, my face buried underneath his chin as I continued to gasp and throb all over, my head spiraling into a frenzy. Liam to my satisfaction seemed just as affected and dizzy as I felt as he raggedly breathed against the crown of my head, his arms wrapping tightly around me.

“If you think for one moment that you are unlovable sweetie you better think again because I gave you a long time ago my heart and it loves you more than it loves life itself.” He murmured roughly into my hair and holding me tight as all over again I began to cry and for the first time since I can remember they were tears of joy. 

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