“Hell no! That’s unfair!” I protested “I can’t go paired with Erin; she won’t shoot at no body because it’s meaaaan.” I drawled shooting Erin a pointed look.

Erin gasped, with wide offended eyes, Eli chuckled softly as he wrapped his arms around her neck teasingly before dragging her in and ruffling her hair making her crinkle her nose in laughter as she shoved at him playfully. The two of them laughing and talking to one another in hush whispers.

I rolled my eyes as Liam elbowed me in the side softly gesturing to them and making soft smooching sounds and thus making me giggle softly as I pretended to wrinkle my nose in disgust though in all honesty I was happy seeing them acting about even if Erin was utterly oblivious to how in love Eli was with her.

“Okay, how about this,” Liam began “we’ll partner up into pairs; Erin and Eli and then Mel and I.” he smiled happily, a big knowing smile as he winked at me; our ploy of giving them alone time no matter what.

We soon began playing Call of Duty, the four of us shooting, crying out and laughing as we sat in front of the TV greatly captured and having the time of our lives. It had been so long since the four of us had hung out like this.

“I can’t believe we lost!” Erin sulked, pouting as she folded her arms and slumping in the lounge.

Eli rolled his eyes “Really? So it wasn’t you saying “No! Don’t shoot him, you’ll kill him!”” he quoted mimicking her voice awfully, yet nevertheless making us laugh.

Erin gasped as she stuck her tongue out at him and sulking off though by the smile at the corner of her lips I knew she was faking it. Eli rushed quickly to find Erin and most likely grovel at her feet like the love struck fool he was.

The both of us chuckled softly at the sight, Liam chuckled as he threw his arm over my shoulder drawing me into his side and my back into the lounge and resting against Liam and his lulling warmth and scent. I smiled softly to myself, I couldn’t be happier, smiling I curled myself into Liam’s side not caring if this came off wrong, right now I didn’t care.

I’d had a bad day.

“We make a good team.” Liam murmured into the top of my head softly, the two of us growing heavy eyes “The best team ever.

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Wiping my hair from my eyes, I sobbed softly as I tried to cease the constant flowing tears as they kept coming. The wind rustled my hair and curled around me in a comforting embrace, as I hugged myself tightly walking up the front path and putting my key in the door.

Making my way into the house I stood in the dark, darkness all surrounding me, the house was awfully still, silent and plain misery. By now I thought I’d be used to it, and yet still to this day I can still feel that small glimmer of hope within me every time shrink and fall apart into broken shards.

Walking through the house I didn’t even bother to flick on the lights I simply just walked through the house absentmindedly. I didn’t know what to do, I did know one thing and that was I didn’t want to break down into an empty bundle weeping away my days. I had yet to do so and I didn’t plan on starting it anytime soon, I’d just push aside and ignore it, it’s not like I could change the past.

I suppose to some degree I had even built up a shield in my heart even blocking myself out. In all honesty my feelings and how I wasn’t able to actually feel much at all, and struggled to even cry it made me worried; was I not human? Was there something wrong with me? I used some nights just sit there begging for the tears to come, longing for these tears and trying to force them so I’d just feel something, so I could just get it all off my chest and over and done with. Yet no matter how much I tried the tears never came and continued to be an emotionless robot.

Walking around the house I couldn’t help but sadly realize that this was far from what I had always dreamt and longed for; I wanted a house to come home that was lived in. a house that had family photos hanging on the walls and letters and bills on the tables, yet instead my walls had famous expensive paintings that held no meaning to me, the tables were empty apart for the two candles that were never lit and the fruit bowl that was never filled with fruit, but just empty.

For show, that’s all this house was, it was show of the so called perfect family.

Yet that was the very thing missing from this house, a family. It was empty apart from a robotic, emotionless girl that was broken and miserable, with no future except for the life basically predestined for m; the life of loneliness and relying on party life to make up for it and anything else that was ever wrong.

I had nothing of a family, a father that utterly abandoned his family who fell off the face of the planet and a mother that practically abandoned her daughter also her career more important who was willing to travel to the other side of the country to earn some extra money but who was unable to even give her daughter a simple hug. Was she disappointed in me? Did I not fulfill her expectations? Or was I mistake that only reminder her of her other mistake; her ex husband.

I dreamt of the days I’d wake up in the mornings to the mouthwatering smell of breakfast, warm and welcoming, I’d dream of mum kissing me goodbye before I skipped off to school and her listening to me as I told her word for word of how my day is. She’d wipe my tears and get away with all my fears before tucking me into bed with a bedtime story. The mother I longed for would be bring me ice cream when I was sick in bed, and she’d gush over how beautiful I was on my first date or my formal. She’d hang my pictures and report cards on the fridge and those nights we could curl up on the lounge and watch chick flicks dreaming of happily ever afters and better days.

So when I walked into the house I thought I’d be used to the absence and cold, still air. Yet I still dreamt of walking in the front door to have my mum find me in bed crying my eyes out. She’d come in bearing hot chocolate and ice cream, curling up into bed with me she’d comfort me, rocking me back to sleep before and wiping away my tears telling me it’d be okay. And it would be okay, because she’d rid me of all my fears and she’d be there.

After all that’s all I needed, someone to be there.

You do have someone there for you and there is a big chance he could put all the pieces back together the little voice in the back of my head whispered. I sighed sadly, sniffling still as I wiped at my eyes some more. It was true, I had a chance of something great – and although I would never admit it, something I’ve always dreamt of – with Liam, he was offering to be my rock and someone that was going to be there willingly.

A large part of me – a huge part of me – was tempted beyond means to accept, to cave and just let him. I’ve always longed for Liam, and now that I had the chance to I wanted with every part of me to run back to that party and just collapse into his embrace, to just let him to brush the hair from my face and the tears from my eyes, to listen to his soothing and reassuring words to lull me to peace and happiness. I wanted with every fiber of my human being to let him kiss away my pain and fears and let him put the pieces back together.

Yet every time I was ready to cave into Liam’s clutches, to give in the little voice from the past – the voice of the my heart that had been forever wounded – would remind me of what was at stake. In all honesty there was a lot at stake, so Liam was willing to be there for me now, he was willing to help but it’s not like he’s in love with me, it’s not like there’s a chance that he wanted to be with me forever. There were many possibilities; he could possibly grow sick and tired of me or maybe he may tire and maybe even grow disgusted once he realized and sought just how many demons and damage I truly have.

Yet at the end of the day the one thing holding me back was solely for the fact that I knew of the chances and realities of love, it simply just didn’t last. Even marriage to this day didn’t hold any meaning, you could get married one day and the next get a divorce and there was no social shun, it was something as a social norm now. I had witnessed it in my own life, my parents splitting and my father just up and leaving before our eyes, not even getting a divorce and finalizing it ‘till six months or so before his wedding – the invitations going out to our neighbors and yet not even to his own daughter. I always thought that maybe love with a partner didn’t always last but the fact that my own father and blood couldn’t even find himself loving me – not even with all the sayings I hear about a parent not knowing what love is until their child.

I believed in only some extremely rare moments – especially those that deserved it – that couples could find and withhold love, shoot a whole lot of people could, they may not be entirely happy but now with divorce you could just throw in the towel before the fighting even began. Divorce as Erin and Liam's Grandmother – a women married to her husband for over fifty years – said was just an easy way out. So for those rare people that were obviously meant to be – Eli and Erin especially – I believed in that.

That in itself also left me questioning that maybe it wasn't love in general but maybe me. Was there some law in the world dictating that I wasn't meant to be showered in love and blessings? Was it truly my fault that I had been abandoned and discarded, was it really my fault at the end of the day? Was I an unlovable person?

It was all these factors that made me realize that maybe one or maybe even all of these factors will in turn happen and leave me again brokenhearted and an utter fragile mess. I knew that though if I put myself in that position and when it did happen I’d be more broken and shattered than I could ever be, worse than I was now. Because if Liam broke my heart – which was inevitable – I wouldn’t be able to make it through one scorching second.

Trudging upstairs and towards my bedroom I made my way to my shower and just stood there under the hot pelting heat and crashes of water, the water was boiling but I didn’t have the strength in me to turn it down, nor did I have the strength to care. I suddenly realized that I just really didn’t care anymore.

Before I always had something to care about or a reason to cover up how broken I truly was, and now I realized it was always ever only one person that kept me strong and carrying on. That was my best friend Erin. Yet now, well now she didn’t need me, she had learnt the truth and she had Eli there who would care for her forever. The fact that she didn’t need me bought me more undone than I could truly imagine.

Because I realized in that moment just how alone I truly was because at the end of the night all you truly have left is yourself.

My body felt weak and torn, like all my limbs had been disconnected and were hanging by one measly thread, my limbs quacked from exhaustion and my body throbbed in protest. My stomach heaved and heaved and before I knew it I was falling to the bathroom floor, sitting on the cold tiles as the water rained down upon on me and I just cried, I cried and cried and cried letting and hoping that with my tears the pain could also be washed away and drain down the sink.

I didn’t know how long I stayed under the water, but it wasn’t until I heard a loud bang did I realize that the water falling down upon me was utterly freezing and I had used all the hot water up.

Sniffling with red raw eyes I pulled myself out of the shower and wrapped my dressing gown around my utterly naked and still damp body. I didn’t care about my appearance or anything else like how my wet hair was damp and clung to the nape of my neck or how now my dressing gown clung to me and my entire body was freezing cold underneath my gown as I stood in all my nakedness.

Walking down the stairs in the dark house I went to the back of the house hearing the loud bangs coming from the front of my house. Instinctively I locked the back door, it wasn’t as if we were in a bad neighborhood – far from it actually – but it was my wild imagination that had gotten away with me as horror films came to mind, or worse Falan. He was a regular drunk and even after that night he still had the gall to call me or text me asking for a round two, the majority of the time off his head on alcohol or drugs and even sometimes both.

Yet deep down a part of me already knew it was most likely mum, she had a habit of getting home late at night – especially with all the travelling – when I was still in bed, which was most likely planned solely for that fact. I was used to it by now, but I was never usually up or even here. However it was well after two in the morning so it wasn’t as if I was keeping to a routine right now.

I mean, who else could it be if not my mother?

Walking down the hall and towards the front door as the person on the other side banged rather loudly on the front door, muttering and cursing under their breath, it was there that I realized from the silhouette who that person on the other side of the door fighting to get in was.

Liam.

I paused, hidden behind the shadows so he wouldn’t see mine or even me if he looked through the glass in the door. I listened to him as he curse and grunted banging the door roughly time and time again.

Than it fell silent.

I never knew if I should be glad or sad that he had given up. I was sad as I realized that I wanted him to fight for me, and already he had given up, so easily. Yet another part was relieved because I didn’t have to fight the inner turmoil within me that was slowly draining me anymore.

I was free.

That’s what I thought until I heard the sound of my ringtone, my mobile sitting on the bench by the front door; where I had sat my phone and clutch when I had stumbled inside the house in tears. At first as it blared loudly with my ringtone that it would be okay, I’d be safe. That is if I hadn’t gasped loudly in shock and fear at the sound of my phone going.

I was met with silence again.

Until, “Mel open the hell up!” Liam shouted his fists hitting the door loudly, banging roughly on the wooden heavy door, loud enough to wake the neighbors as he continued pounding and shouting “I know you’re there, open the damn door sweetie!”

I held my breath unsure of what to do, he was acting like an utterly insane person and I was in all honesty scared. I’ve never seen – or rather heard – Liam so crazed and rather animalistic, like a beast. It frightened me.

Without knowing that I was doing so I had made my way softly, slowly and hesitantly towards the door, tip toeing cautiously towards him. Until I rested my hand against the doorway, wishing I could just force the door open, he was just on the other side of the door. I stood there with my hand against the door for I don’t know how long, Liam’s bashing against the door having fallen silent for quite some time now.

“Mel.” He murmured, the plead and strain in his voice so loud and clear although he spoke nothing but a mere whisper.

My forehead fell on the door, and although I couldn’t I swore on my life I could feel the heat of his breath against my neck and face as it tickled my skin. I swore I could feel the warmth and the sizzle of his hand against mine that rested on the door trying to push through the barrier to get to him. I swore on my life, in that moment that I’ve never been closer to him, because I did; I felt so close to him and yet I was so far from him.

“Sweetie….” He trailed off softly, unsure of words “just tell me what you’re thinking.” He begged of me softly, the pain so evident in his voice.

I let my body fall heavily into the door, my hand and my forehead still pressed against the door as if any minute I’d sink through the threshold. “I can’t do it Liam,” I whispered softly, my voice quavering “I want to, god I want to so bad.” I admitted the pain crystal clear in my voice. “But I can’t…..because I'm scared Liam, I am so, so scared.” I admitted as my voice hitched and slowly but surely those traitorous tears were sliding over my eyelids.

“Why are you scared sweetie?” Liam murmured softly, tenderly.

“Because that no matter what happens I'll be hurt, if I cave into you Liam I know one day I'll become more broken than I’ve ever been.” I whispered softly a sob choking and blocking in my throat heavily “Yet I know if I don’t I'll live the rest of my life like I am now, lonely and watching you be happy, without me.”

I listened to the soft, sad sigh of Liam “I don’t know how to show you Mel, to convince you sweetie that I'm never going to be happy without you.” He murmured softly, lovingly “When I picture my future sweetie, I can’t picture it any other way without you.”

My breath hitched at his words, they were so beautiful and it only made my cry more because I knew I couldn’t do it, no matter what he said I just couldn’t do it because they were just that; words.

“I know what you’re thinking – god sometimes I feel like I can just read your mind – they’re just words, I know that and at the end of the day I have no proof other than words on how dedicate and willing I am to you sweetie.” He admitted with a heavy sigh “The only proof I can give you is that no matter if the sun is rising or falling I'll be there no matter what cherishing the ground you walk on, because that’s what fighting is and that’s what I’m here right now doing, what do you think fighting for is sweetie?”

I whimpered softly sobs as I let my knees bring me to the floor, as I cried on the other side of the door. At first I tried doing it softly so hopefully Liam wouldn’t hear or know but sooner than later I didn’t care anymore and I let the sounds of my pain fill the echoing silence.

“I c-can’t Liam, I j-just can’t.” I sobbed.

“I know sweetie, but when you can – and you will – I'll be right here waiting for you.” He murmured softly lovingly.

I cried for god knows how long but time passed and soon Liam was sitting down too on the other side of the front door on the cold cement verandah, just sitting with me. I just wept, crying into my knees as I realized how cruel this world truly was, everything I ever wanted truly just was on the other side of the door and in reach and yet at the exact same time it had never been so far away before. And all because of me.

“Liam?” I whispered hoarsely, still crying but have dry and cracked lips as I dampened them with my tongue after god knows how long “Are you still there?” I whispered, fear gripping me at the thought of being alone.

“I’m right here sweetie, let it all out, I'm right here.” He cooed softly through the door “I may not be holding you but I'm right here.”

The soft tug on my finger had me looking down at my hand sitting limply on the floor; I gasped sobbing louder at the sight before me. Wrapped around my finger, loosely and with struggle was Liam’s finger, pushed under the door curled around my finger trying to hold on. Sobbing softly I desperately wrapped my fingers around him, wanting to never let go.

I sat there crying into the morning for when the sun rose but it didn’t matter because I was holding onto Liam’s finger the entire time, because at the end of the day he was holding on, no matter how hard it may be.

No matter if it was only by a finger.

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