Stone cold, stone cold

You see me standing

But I'm dying on the floor

Stone cold, stone cold

Maybe if I don't cry

I won't feel anymore

~*~*~*~*~*~

Monday, February 6, 2020.

"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't—"

"Juliette!" Hanna yelled, interrupting my pacing and manic mumbling. "Stop it. You're driving me crazy. Besides, we've been over this a million times before. You can do this."

"Easy for you to say," I mumbled breathlessly, hopelessly trying to stop my hands from shaking. "You're not about to see your ex-something after nearly three months of silence, after having had sex with him."

Hanna winced. "That's true, yes. But look at it this way: He might not even be there. It's just basic training stuff, right? He's so ripped already that he doesn't need it, so he probably won't even show up."

I shot her a sideways glance as I started pacing again. "It's Henry we're talking about here. He isn't just going to not show up when he's required to. He has better manners than that. Besides, it's also my luck we're talking about, and you know just how sucky that is. He'll be there and he'll ignore me and everything will be awkward and I'll feel even suckier than I already do and then I'll—"

Hanna stood up and went to stand in front of me, placing her hands on my shoulders. "Juliette, please calm down," she interrupted gently. "Maybe... Maybe you should take one of your pills. You filled your prescription, right?"

I shook my head. "I can't. Those pills make me drowsy, and I can't be drowsy while working out. Or driving, for that matter."

"Okay, switching to different tactics then. Sit down, babe." She forcibly sat me down on the couch, but was careful to be gentle with me. She sat down next to me, and, turning to me, took my hands in hers. "Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Breathe in for seven seconds and breathe out for seven seconds. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven..."

As she counted, I breathed in. Inhaling for seven seconds was harder than one might imagine, and I had to do it incredibly slowly, my lungs nearly burning with how much air was in them. But the challenge was distracting, and that was what I needed.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven..."

I breathed out again, incredibly slowly. I kept doing that a few times, Hanna's soothing voice counting with me. It helped more than I thought it would, my anxiety lessening as I did the breathing exercises. It never fully disappeared, but by the end of it, it was more like a steady hum in the background, rather than a screaming, temper tantrum-throwing child right in front of me.

"Thank you," I breathed, opening my eyes again.

Hanna smiled at me. "Hey, what are friends for, right?" She looked at the clock on the wall and said, "I'm afraid it's time for you to go, honey, otherwise you'll be late. Do you need me to drive with you?"

I shook my head, already imagining myself standing on the curb, waiting for her to pick me up. It'd be best if I could just leave as quickly as possible once I was done at the gym. "No, but thanks for the offer."

"All right. Well, good luck, then. And please, honey, remember that everything will be okay. Even if it starts to feel like it won't, it will. Your life won't be like this forever. You won't feel like this forever. Just like things can't always be good, they can't always be bad, either."

I cracked a smile at that. "Are you actually referencing Teen Wolf?"

She smiled back at me. "I might be. Besides, it's damn good advice. You'd be best to remember it."

"I'll try."

Hanna squeezed my hand and finally let me leave. My hands shook a little when I walked up to my car, making it a little difficult to slide the key into the ignition. But I managed, and took a few more deep breaths to calm myself before I stepped down on the gas and drove to the gym we'd be training at.

As I drove, I started thinking that maybe I was overreacting after all. Henry was a mature adult, and he'd behave accordingly. I was also a mature adult (albeit one with heavy anxiety), and I could deal with this. One-night stands weren't that uncommon, after all, and I was sure people dealt with running into someone they'd slept with once all the time. And if they could do it, so could I.

I'd done a pretty decent job of convincing myself of this by the time I reached the gym the film studio had rented out to train us in. I grabbed the meager stuff I'd brought with me, and walked into the gym with my head held high. My heart was hammering in my chest, but I tried to ignore it, even as I grew lightheaded. I wrung my hands together, my nails digging into my skin. I could do this.

In the hall, there was only one guy waiting for me, with bulging muscles that gave Henry's a run for his money. He had a shaved head, beautiful dark skin and brown eyes, a kind smile on his face. "You must be Juliette," he said with a booming voice. "I'm Kevin, and I'll be your personal trainer over the course of the next month, and while you're filming the movie."

I shook his hand, and his grip was so firm it nearly turned the bones in my hand to fine dust. "It's nice to meet you, Kevin."

"It's nice to meet you too. Henry's already back there with his trainer," he said, and I nearly passed out from anxiety at the mention of his name, "but we'll join them later. Let's start with your fitness history. Do you go to the gym often?"

I answered all his questions on autopilot. My mind was too occupied with the knowledge that I'd see Henry again soon. I already wasn't sure I'd be able to handle seeing him again, let alone while working out. It was no secret that I thought he was lethally attractive, and him going at it against a punching bag might be a little too much.

I shook my head. This was a bullshit way of thinking. He wasn't so good-looking that he could render me completely useless. That was ridiculous. I wasn't some stupid little high school girl with a crush, going completely mental when she saw the object of her affections do something mildly attractive.

"So... you don't want to start now?" Kevin asked hesitantly.

"Oh! I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere. No, I'm good to start now. Sorry."

He smiled. "No problem. Well, let's go, and we'll do some easy warm-up exercises."

I nodded, and when Kevin's back was turned to me, I took a shaky breath. I squeezed my eyes shut tight. "You can do this," I whispered to myself, soft enough so Kevin wouldn't be able to hear. Then I opened my eyes again and followed him into the main area of the gym.

It was just a regular gym, except that it was entirely empty apart from two people, like those twenty four hour gyms at four a.m. It was on the smaller side, which I guess made sense. We didn't need all that much space, so why waste money on a bigger gym? Inside was a mixture of exercise equipment and punching bags.

When I saw Henry standing with his trainer, it was like my world kind of froze, or like I was in a tunnel, and instead of light at the end of it, there was just Henry. He had his back to me, but it didn't matter. It was the first time seeing him in three and a half months. The first time after our unfortunate night together.

And as if there was some kind of mystical connection between us, he turned around as if shocked. I stared at him, petrified. It was like we were locked in a staring match, except not of our own free will. I desperately wanted to look away, wanted for him to not be here at all, for me to not be here at all. Looking at him hurt. It was almost as if all the painful things between us were crashing into me at a hundred miles an hour just at this one shared look.

It hurt that he never made a move while we were filming If You Love Someone. It hurt that he'd gradually stopped texting and calling me after we'd wrapped. It hurt that he got back together with Alyssa while I was still so madly in love with him. It hurt that he'd acted like nothing had changed between the two of us while doing promotional work for If You Love Someone. It hurt that he'd finally made a move and slept with me while he was dating Alyssa. It hurt that, even after everything that had happened, he was still with her. It hurt that he'd never called to apologize. And it hurt that I still loved him.

"So beautiful," he murmured as he trailed a hand from my throat all the way down to my thigh.

Memories of that night were coming back to me quicker than all the hurt had, and it was making my head spin.

I ignited everywhere he touched me, but the real heat came from his mouth as he pressed soft kisses to my jaw, slowly trailing down to my throat, my chest, and finally my breasts.

I was pretty sure I was beet red, but I still couldn't look away from him.

I gasped as his hand dipped under my underwear and his middle finger slipped into me.

Why couldn't I look away?

"I want you, Juliette," Henry whispered breathily. "I want you so much."

I needed to—

Henry abruptly turned away, said something to his trainer, and went back to attacking his training dummy. It felt like rejection, and I felt the tears sting in my eyes. Did he hate me for sleeping with him? Or was there something wrong with my outfit? I looked down at it. I was dressed entirely in Nike—black leggings, blue sports bra, blue tank top and black and white hi-tops. I'd put great care into picking it out this morning. I rapidly blinked my eyes. I didn't want to cry—not in front of strangers, and definitely not in front of him.

Kevin was oblivious to the whole thing going on between Henry and me, though. "Do you want to meet your costar before we begin?" he asked, a cheer in his voice that annoyed me. This was not a moment to be cheery.

I bit back any crabby remark I might've made, though, and instead shook my head. "No, I've already met him. We worked on a movie a while back. Let's just get started now, and then I'll say hi to him later. He seems to be busy now anyway."

"All right, if you say so!" Kevin said, still with that annoying cheerfulness. Unfortunately, he took me to a punching bag close to Henry's dummy. We were standing maybe thirty feet apart, and I could hear him softly talking to his trainer. "So, you said you did some taekwondo?" Kevin asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, but only for a few months when I was fifteen. I didn't even get my white belt," I joked. I cringed internally, realizing that Henry could probably hear every word I was saying.

Kevin didn't exactly have the softest of voices, either. "But you still got the basics, so it helps that I don't have to teach you those. Besides, you have the added benefit of not really having to be good. You just have to look like you are, and there are stunt people for the actual hard work."

I couldn't help but feel indignant at that. So much so that I actually stood up for myself. "But I want to be good, not look good. I'm not gonna half-ass it just because there are others who could do my stunts for me. I want my portrayal of Lily Davis to be as genuine as possible."

Kevin grinned. "Exactly the response I'd been hoping for."

I fought not to roll my eyes. Sure it was. "I'm glad."

If the sarcasm was lost on him or if he just decided to ignore it, I didn't know, but his voice was chipper as usual when he said, "Well, let's get started then. Show me your fighting stance." I planted my feet firmly on the ground, a little way's apart, and dropped through my knees slightly as I brought my balled fists up to cover my face. Kevin nodded appreciatively. "Very good. You must have had a very good trainer to have remembered that after... how many years?"

"Twelve," I said curtly, and immediately chastised myself for it on the inside. I knew what was going on. My anxiety had the tendency to express itself in different ways: There was the crying (which was ultimately the worst because it drew the most attention), there was me being extremely quiet and not joining in any of the conversation around me, and then there was me being irritable. I was experiencing that last one now. So to soften up the harshness of my voice, I gave him a smile.

"That's definitely admirable then. Well, let's get started with the art of throwing a good punch. When I'm done with you, your costar will have to be careful around you, even if he is Superman," Kevin joked.

Feeling myself grow bright red, I risked a glance at Henry, knowing he had to have heard Kevin with his booming voice. He looked back at me, his expression unchanging. He looked almost... unimpressed. I bit my lip, certain he hated my guts, and he quickly looked away again.

I nearly groaned. This was worse than even I had imagined. He hated me, and I had to work closely with him for at least the coming five months.

"Fuck my life," I mumbled under my breath.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"He hates me," I told Hanna over the phone when I was finally granted a small break. I was tired and aching from the exercise, but I couldn't be bothered to care about that right now. I had bigger problems to deal with.

"Of course he doesn't!" Hanna was quick to say, ever quick to jump to her best friend's defense. "What makes you say that?"

"If you could see the way he was looking at me, you would come to the same conclusion."

"Has he said anything?"

"No. He hasn't said a single word to me all day!" I said, as if that was all the conviction I needed.

"Well, have you said anything to him?" Hanna retaliated, and I bit my lip. She had me there.

"Well, no..." I said slowly, guilt seeping into my voice. "But—"

"But literally nothing, Jules," Hanna interrupted me. "Please—if not for yourself, then for me—stop driving yourself crazy this way. He does not hate you. No matter what happened between the two of you, I don't think he can ever hate you. I've seen the way he looks at you, and despite how much I hate to admit it because of the way he's been treating you, he loves you. If there's anyone he hates, it's probably himself. Isn't it exactly like that with you?"

I sank down on a chair. (Why was there even a chair in the women's bathroom?) "Yes," I admitted begrudgingly. "But then why isn't he with me instead of Alyssa?"

"Probably for the same reason you never told him how you feel about him when you had the chance. Fear. Alyssa is familiar; she's the safe option. Even if they break up again like they did last time, it wouldn't hurt as much as breaking up with you. Because you're the one he really loves." After a pause, she said, "Seriously, I should do couples' counseling."

Even though I didn't feel like laughing at all right now, I couldn't help but giggle. "Maybe you should, yeah. But do you really think that?"

"That he's scared or that I should do couples' counseling? Well, it doesn't really matter anyway, because I wholeheartedly believe in both. Seriously, I wish I could just slap some sense into that asshole. He's hurting the both of you and he's fucking stupid for not seeing that."

I sighed. "Humans are complicated. I wish I was a dog."

I couldn't see her, but I knew she was grinning from the other end of the line. "You just want to be Kal so you can lick Henry's face any time you want."

I laughed. "Hanna!" I chastised.

"You know it's at least a little true. Anyway, what are you doing now?"

"Hiding away in the bathroom. I should probably join the others for lunch, but I'm not all that hungry. I feel like if I eat something, I'm going to puke. And after lunch we're supposed to go over some random fight choreography to get used to doing fight scenes."

"You know what I think you should do? I think you should join them for lunch, even if you don't eat anything. Just make casual conversation with Henry as if nothing's wrong. Show him that you're not bothered by him, because you're a thousand times stronger than him. Mentally, at least. Because I'm pretty sure he lifts, bro."

I shook my head at her bad joke. "And then?"

"Then maybe accidentally punch him while you're practicing the choreography. Or knee him in the nuts. You know, whichever makes it look like an accident most."

I smiled. "I'm so clumsy that he probably won't even think twice about it."

"Exactly! Now go out there and hurt that son of a bitch."

"All right. Love you, Han."

"Love you, too, Julie. Oh, and don't forget to make good use of your finger nails!"

I laughed, shaking my head. "Bye, Han."

"Bye!"

Clutching my phone and taking a deep breath, I finally exited the bathroom and joined the others for lunch. "Hey," I said, my voice weaker than I'd intended it to come out.

"Hey!" Kevin said with a grin. "Took you long enough. Did you fall in or something?"

I blushed furiously and gritted my teeth. I'd always hated it when someone made that joke. "Though I'm certainly clumsy enough for that, no, I didn't. I had to make a call."

"Oh, okay. Nothing too important, I hope?"

"Uh... No, not really. My best friend wanted an update."

"Ah, so that's why it took so long," Kevin said with a grin. "Well, you said you'd already met Henry, and this is Joe, his personal trainer."

"It's nice to meet you," I said, shaking Joe's hand. "So, Kevin and Joe, huh? Where's Nick?" I said in a weak attempt at a joke. Kevin and Joe didn't get it, but the corners of Henry's mouth shook a little. He was the only one who knew I used to be a fan of the Jonas Brothers, back when they were still together. "Anyway," I said awkwardly, sitting down opposite of Henry, the only free seat at the table.

"Can I get you anything?" Kevin asked.

I thought frantically for a second. "Uh... A water and maybe a small salad of some sorts. I'm not that hungry."

Henry gave me a strange look at that, but didn't say anything. What was that look supposed to mean? And why had he still not said a single word in my presence? His silence and his looks were driving me crazy. I wished he would just yell at me. At least then I would know where we stood.

Soon, Kevin returned with a bottle of Evian and a grilled chicken salad, and I smiled at him in thanks. "So, you said you and Henry worked together before, huh?" Kevin asked me when the silence around the table persisted.

"Uh, yeah," I said, throwing a nervous glance at Henry. He was looking back at me with a blank expression on his face. It wasn't hostile enough to be impolite, but it didn't clarify much about his thoughts, either. "We worked on a movie called If You Love Someone. It's a romantic comedy. We were the leads in that one too."

"A romantic comedy, eh? That's totally different from an action movie. Have you ever done one of those before?"

"An action movie?" I clarified, and when Kevin nodded, I shook my head. "No. The closest to an action movie I've done is a thriller, directed by Vince Grieve, which I wrapped about a month ago."

"Vince Grieve?" Joe asked. "That's a pretty big name in the industry. What was he like?"

I looked down at my plate, aimlessly stabbing at the lettuce in my salad with my fork. "He was all right," I said, unwilling to admit just how torturous it had been to work with him, especially in front of Henry.

Joe elbowed Henry in his arm. "Hey, didn't you work with Grieve?"

Henry shook his head. "No, I didn't," he said, the first words he'd spoken in my presence. Hearing his voice was both the best and the worst. I'd nearly forgotten how it sounded. He had the most beautiful voice I'd ever heard, even if he couldn't sing for shit. With a speaking voice like his, he should be recording tons of audio books. But his voice also brought back painful memories of the sweet words he'd whispered to me on our night together.

"I like seeing you happy. I don't like seeing you not happy."

"Really?"

"Really. I care about you, Juliette Morrison."

I shook my head as if it could shake away the memory and looked down at my plate again.

All throughout the rest of lunch, Kevin and Joe tried to get Henry and me to talk, and though we always politely answered their questions, we never once spoke to each other. Every time he could've put in a 'right, Juliette?' but didn't, my heart broke a little. I couldn't help but remember all those times in interviews where he would simply refuse to stop complimenting me and I kept wishing for him to stop because I felt uncomfortable under all his praise. Now I wished I could go back to those times, because at least then he included me in the conversation. Now I might as well not even be in the same room.

I wanted to cry. But I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.

When we'd finished lunch, we went back into the main area of the gym, where Kevin and Joe took us onto one of the mats. "All right," Joe started, "this choreography's not all too hard, just to get you two started. Kevin and I will show it to you first at full speed, and then we'll teach it to you slowly step by step."

I nodded in understanding, not daring to glance at Henry, and Joe and Kevin took their positions. They circled each other slowly until Kevin suddenly struck out at Joe. The fake punch was so good that it really looked like he'd hit him on his cheekbone, and Joe's head shot back. Joe recovered quickly, however, with a direct blow to Kevin's jaw. Joe got a left hook in before he got cocky and dropped his guard, and Kevin saw his opening. He somehow wrapped his arm around Joe's neck, turned him around and pulled him against his chest, his arm tightening around Joe's throat. Joe's eyes slowly rolled back into his head and Kevin gently and silently lowered him to the floor.

I'd been watching with rapt attention as everything went down, fighting the urge to break up the fight. I knew it was all fake, but they'd succeeded in making it look so incredibly real. I nearly applauded when Joe stood up and grinned at us.

"Your turn," he said, clapping his hands together. "Henry, you will play Kevin's part, and Juliette, you will play my part. Juliette, you stand right here, and Henry, you stand right over there."

Kevin and Joe directed us through the steps one by one, making us act them out slowly at first to get acquainted with them. It was all fine and actually kind of fun, up until the moment where Henry had to wrap his arm around my neck. It would be the first time he'd touch me after our night together, and I hated that it had to be such an intimate touch right away. I'd hoped to start slow, but, of course, the first time we'd touch after not having seen each other in three months and after giving each other the silent treatment all day, it had to resemble a hug. As I dropped my guard, he wrapped an arm around my neck, gently pushed against my shoulder to turn me around, and pulled me against his torso. His arm was wrapped loosely around my neck, but his muscles were tense to give the illusion of him squeezing my throat.

But none of that mattered. Because he was holding me close to his chest (maybe not entirely like I'd imagined, but still), and his presence was everywhere. It was more suffocating than his arm ever could've been. It had my heart beating like crazy, and my breathing was labored. He smelled better than I'd remembered and his skin was so soft. My back was pressed entirely against his chest, so tight that I could feel his heartbeat. It was just as frantic as mine, and as I realized that, I nearly wept.

He wasn't as unaffected as he tried to appear to be. I would never ask, but if I did, he wouldn't be able to deny it either. He still felt something for me. Did he think about that night as often as I did? Did he regret it in the same way that I did? Not the night itself but the moment it occurred? It killed me that I might never know.

"All right, excellent," Joe said. "Now gently lower her to the ground, as if you don't want to make a sound, which would alert your enemies that you're close."

I felt Henry nod, and he slowly walked backwards, lowering me down to the ground. When my back touched the mat and he was sure there was nothing left to accidentally drop, he quickly stepped away from me, as if I'd burned him. I rolled around and got up to my knees, allowing myself one second of showing the hurt on my face before I smoothed it out again.

"Very well done!" Kevin complimented. "Now let's try that again, at the same speed, but without any interference from us. I want to see if you two remembered the steps."

We rehearsed the same fight for the rest of the afternoon, building up speed as we progressed, until we performed it as well as Kevin and Joe had. As soon as our (okay, my) skill would evolve, we'd be working with the actual stunt coordinator and rehearse the stunts we'd actually be doing in the movie.

After Henry and I had performed the fight effortlessly at full speed for the fifth time in a row, we were free to go. I said goodbye to Kevin and Joe, but when I turned to Henry to say goodbye to him as well, he was already turning away and walking out of the gym. I pretended not to be offended or deterred by it in front of Kevin and Joe, but as soon as I was in my car and had full privacy again, the tears spilled over. I was hurt and confused and I didn't know how to handle this situation.

Tears were still running down my cheeks when I got home, and Hanna looked sad as she moved to hug me. I buried myself in the comfort of her arms, my sobs making it hard to breathe.

I hated myself for crying. I wished my tears didn't spill over so goddamn easily. I was so sick of crying. I was so sick of feeling this way. I needed to figure out a way to deal with Henry in a mature (and preferably non-crying) way. I needed to figure out a way to come out of this situation a stronger person. I was done with being weak.

So I slowly pulled away from Hanna, wiping at my face, determined to stop crying. If he was going to act this way, Henry wasn't worth my tears. I blew my nose in the paper tissue Hanna gave me, and wiped my eyes with another. "I'm sick of feeling and acting like the victim," I said, still hiccuping a little from crying. "I'm done."

Hanna didn't really seem to know how to react to that. "What... What do you mean?"

I took a deep breath. "I mean that I'm gonna try my hardest to get on with my life. I'll go back to cognitive therapy. I'll try to get over Henry. It won't be easy, and I'll probably fuck up time and time again, but I'm so sick of this bullshit. I should be stronger than some guy messing with my emotions, and I'm gonna make damn sure that one day, I am."

Hanna smiled, the tears jumping into her eyes. "No matter what you do, I'll support you wholeheartedly. I'm so proud of you."

I smiled shakily back at her. "Thanks. But I'll do all that tomorrow. Right now I could really use some comfort food, a comfort movie and my best friend."

Hanna pulled me into a tight hug. She rocked me from side to side as she said, "Done."

I smiled as I hugged her back. As long as I had my friends, I would be fine. If Henry wanted to act immature and unprofessional, that was his choice, and I wouldn't care one bit when it would finally bite him in the ass. But I was one hundred percent committed to bettering my life, no matter how scary or how difficult it was going to be.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Song at the start of the chapter is Stone Cold by Demi Lovato.

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