"Working hard to get my fill. Everybody wants a thrill, Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time. Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues. Oh, the movie never ends. It goes on and on and on and on," Don't Stop Believin', Journey

Emmanuel Moore was a good father, but he wasn't the best. He didn't go outside and play catch with me like the rest of the kids in the neighborhood did with their dads, but he managed to sit me down and tell me how babies were made. He always told me how to fight, but he never told me who or what I would be fighting. He always said to be respectful to the girls and ignore the guys.

He was always there when it was time for dinner, but he never asked me how my day at camp was, or how I enjoyed lacrosse growing up. He never pushed me to make friends, but he always told me who to stay away from. Now that I thought about it, those same people he told me to stay away from weren't that bad. 

They were just misunderstood.

He never came in and told me how to properly masturbate or anything like that, but he assumed that I taught myself. He loved me, but he put his work before me and he was only there if something bad happened to me, hence when I was beat up. He read to me, but he never listened to me read. See, Emmanuel Moore was a father in the household, but I was never truly close to him because of that lack of a relationship. We were just two bodies walking and coexisting in the same place. I thought it was because he could sense that something was different within me.

However, Joella Moore was my best friend throughout my entire youth. The first time I sang, she signed me up for the local choir. She encouraged me to sing, no matter what anyone else said. She used to be my muse. She used to tell me that no matter what anyone said or what they did, I had to focus on being me and being the best that I knew I could be. She told me that if I put my mind to it, I could achieve anything. She was always there for me, my rock and my heart.

But that was all in the past.

"What do you want?" I sat across from them, arms folded and eyes stern and rigid despite my internally shaking figure. Emmanuel still looked the same, brown hair pushed over his head with brown eyes that gleamed at me with hope instead of contempt. He still looked youthful, but I wasn't sure the same could be said for my mother. Joella still had her beautiful blonde hair held high up in a bun, her blue eyes crisp and wide with tears, but her fair skin had its share of wrinkles.

She looked at me up and down, scanning my body. She smiled softly and I just stared with a frown on my face as Nishan leaned back into the cushion next to me, curiosity burning through his clothes. I was extremely nervous and cautious and having him here was a relief. "It's been four years. What do you have to say to me?" I muttered quietly and calmly, watching them look into each other's eyes and clutch their hands before turning back to me, their eyes big and pleading.

"W-we," Joella choked on her words, blinking at me as if she couldn't believe that I looked so healthy and strong. Maybe she thought that I'd be on the side of the road, asking for crack or money because I couldn't afford to live. "We just wanted to check on you. Make sure that you were okay," I could hear the guilt in her tone, but it didn't faze me one bit. 

"As you can see," I pointed to myself, looking effortlessly bored. "I am just fine." I always thought about the day that I would see them again. I knew that it would happen, but I didn't know how or when or why. I'd always thought that it'd be me crawling back for forgiveness and help, but I was so glad to see that I finally managed to make it on my own with the help of Celina. But now that it was an actual reality and they were actually sitting across from me in the flesh, breathing and looking at me, I could say that I felt a variety of emotions.

I was hurt because looking at them reminded me of those same words that spat me. It reminded me of how my asthma always triggered panic attacks after the fact. I was angry because their timing could've been better. I was angry because they had no reason to want to see me after all these years. I was just numb because they would never know how much I suffered and how much it took for me to come out to them, and they would never how much fear I had for being gay.

Joella was taken aback but she nodded. I gulped, feeling Nishan nudge my knee as a way to calm my flying emotions. I let out a sigh, telling myself that I was better than the kid that I was before. "Can we just cut to the chase? Do you want money?" I asked with a raise of my brow. Sure, money was never an issue since Emmanuel was an accountant and Joella was a nurse, but you never knew. 

"No," Emmanuel shook his head, completely shocked to see me. "We just wanted to ask if you could forgive us for our harsh words that we said to you that day," He mumbled and I hitched a breath, feeling Nishan eyeing all of us for context. My leg started to twitch, bouncing up and down. My fingers were itching to tap frantically on something, so I settled with squeezing them into a fist, hoping that would work. I was hoping that this was just some cruel nightmare because I just knew they weren't sitting in front of me, begging for me to forgive them.

"Is it because your conscious feels entirely wrong for kicking your only child to the curb when he needed you the most?" I muttered coldly, watching Joella's eyes deplete the tears that she held her. She was my mother, but she could save those damn tears for someone who gave a shit because when I cried for her to love me after I came out, she ignored it. "Tell me. What is the reason?" I truly did not believe that they were here of their own goodwill to apologize, because they had all that time. 

Now, I didn't need them.

"We felt bad that we did you so wrong," Joella whispered and I fought the urge to roll my eyes, reminding myself to tell her that she should've gone to Hollywood to become an actress. "Yea, well, you had all this time. Why come now when I don't need you?" I spat harshly and she recoiled back into her husband's grasp. Parents were everything to a child but right now, looking at them reminded me of who I used to be.

"I-I," My mother had no words for that question and I found it easy to believe. A part of me wanted to cry because it was what I wanted the first few weeks after they kicked me out and now, they were finally giving me what I wanted.

But I knew things would never be the same. "It's funny that you're sitting here right now, feeling bad and whatnot," I could feel my voice cracking as it gave way to the presence of sadness. "But I can assure you, you did not give a single shit when you found out that I was being beaten literally to death because I was gay," I grumbled, trying so hard not to remind myself of how badly hurt I used to come home. I just wanted to lavish me with love and affection so that I would no longer think about those bullies' cruel words.

"Instead, you added on to my endless fear and anxiety. You made me feel so worthless to the point where I was sure that I wanted to kill myself," Joella and Emmanuel bit their lip, trying to conceal their whimpers and Nishan just sat there, hand on his chin as he remained deep in thought. "You were supposed to be my parents, but instead you turned into everyone else." My lip was quivering, I knew that much for a fact because I could feel it. They would never know how much pain I endured for the last five years of my life.

I was struggling so hard to keep my emotions in. Nothing like being confronted with your demons unexpectedly. It was so hard to breathe, to keep my panic under control so that I wouldn't have an attack because I didn't have an inhaler with me. It was just so hard to sit here and pretend as if I had so much composure when all I wanted to was scream and cry. 

My hands were shaking and my mother stared at me. She almost looked so foreign and it had to be because I no longer saw her as my mother anymore. I felt a nudge on my knee and I looked at Nishan's sweatpants clad knee, seeing that I derived a sense of calmness from it. I took a deep breath and nodded, turning to look at the people that I once called mom and dad. 

"I forgive you," I began, feeling relief seep into my bones. Joella looked so happy and Emmanuel let out a breath. "But I don't want you in my life." It felt really good to say that. It felt like the chokehold that was wrapped around my neck was released and I could finally take a deep breath.

"B-but why?" My mother sputtered dumbfoundedly, another tear leaving her eye. My heart was slowly patching itself up and I didn't need any more reminders of how much of a failure I used to be. "Looking at you makes me remember who I'm trying not to be. You have no fucking clue how insecure I was. You have no clue how broken I was when you kicked me to the curb as if I didn't matter to you anymore. How could you do that to someone you promised you'd love with all your heart?" I put a shaky hand to my face, my voice breaking so much. 

I wiped away some tears that fell, telling myself that they didn't deserve the satisfaction. "Not even that," They looked so sad and distraught, but their feelings would never amount to what I felt for the last few years of my life. "I don't consider you my parents anymore. I don't even know who you are anymore. I don't even trust you anymore," I said it so fast, but the meaning was even stronger.

Joella let out a squeak, clasping her hand over her mouth as tears streamed down her cheeks. Emmanuel just sat there, his mouth clenched and taut as if he didn't know what to say. 

I felt a hand on the small of my back rubbing a soothing motion into my spine. I just somehow unconsciously leaned into it, knowing that everything was going to be okay. "If you think that I don't have a parent figure to help me through my life from this point on," Joella looked so betrayed but I found that I gave no fucks at all. "You are wrong." 

Celina Trapp was the mother and father figure that I needed. She was everything to me, the person that I greatly admired and the person that I owed every single thing to. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be in college right now.

The room fell silent save for the sound of Joella crying, and I decided that I had enough. It was one thing to say that you wanted to 'check on me', but it was another to ask for forgiveness, especially when they didn't deserve it. However, it just wasn't in me despite all the challenges in life, to hold onto something so dreadful like that. I had to turn over a new leaf. "Can you leave?" I pointed towards the door, standing up to make my way towards the sitting room. 

I didn't even bother to say good riddance.

With a trembling deep breath as I stepped inside of the vacant room, there was no way to stop the tears that I was desperately holding back. My eyes burned as I kept wiping them, trying to keep the tears from coming but it was no help. They just fell one by one, the sound of my whimpers and sobs filling the room.

Seeing them awoke something inside of me. It made me remember what I was running from. It made me remember all of that torment, all of that pain, all of that blood. It made me remember all of those secret hospital visits that I took with Celina when my parents were out. It made me remember that broken and fragile piece of shit that I was.

"Why?" I whimpered, taking a deep breath as a wail was torn from my chest. "Hey, Ezra, I just let them g—oh shit, what's the matter?" I heard the door open and all a sudden, my body was wrapped in a pair of thick arms, the smell of soap calming me. "Don't cry," I heard Nishan say as he clutched me tighter to him and it just made me cry even more. "Y-you don't understand," I shuddered, trying so hard not to scream.

"You don't understand how bad I've had it and they think that they can just come in and pretend like everything is okay!?" I blubbered like an idiot as he shushed me, his long hair covering my entire head. "It's okay." Hearing those words from him comforted my dark soul and it pieced up the cracks that broke my entire foundation. I knew that it would take a while to heal, especially when the only bruises that were left were on my mind and mentality. 

But that didn't mean that I didn't think about it from time to time.

"You don't understand how worthless I feel..." I sniffled, drenching his chest with tears and snot. My sobs wracked my body, shaking it vehemently as he held me with no trouble. I felt safe and I felt protected, which were the only things that I would ever need if I wanted to grow. I had to get over those moments in life. "Seeing them reminded me of the time that I almost died," I whispered, brows clenching tightly as I thought of the one day that my bullies beat me so bad, I lost so much blood and so many bones were broken. 

Oddly, that was when they started to care.

I quieted down, breathing heavily as he stayed quiet, listening to me. "Hey," I felt a tap on my shoulder and I wiped my tears, looking up to see Nishan staring at me, his lips formed into a frown. "What's the matter?" I asked, sniffling a bit. "What's wrong?" I mumbled and he hissed, clicking his teeth as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. I reached over to grab his hand, watching him shake his head.

"Fuck," He cursed and I blinked at him, trying to understand what was going through his mind. He shook his head again as if he was reliving something so terrible, before he opened his eyes, those mismatched orbs looking at me regretfully. "Fuck, Ezra, I'm so sorry." 

I furrowed my brows, wondering why he was apologizing. "For what?" I whispered and he bit his lip, grinding his teeth. "For all of the things that I called you when we first met, for how badly I treated you. For destroying your interview with Constantino," Nishan leaned down to grip my biceps, looking deeply into my eyes, garnering a blush in my cheeks. "I'm sorry that I made you feel like you weren't important because you really are," He demanded adamantly and I let out a sigh, a small smile coming to my lips as we stared at each other.

My hand went up to his, wrapping it on top. I didn't say a word but we just stared at each other, finding peace in the eyes of the other, the serenity of the moment calming us down. "You are something else, you know?" I smirked, feeling his fingers wiping away the stray tears under my eyes. "I know, Ezra," Nishan nodded, his lips mimicking my grin. "I know," His deep voice stayed inside of my mind and I knew that I was falling too deep. 

All of a sudden, my phone vibrated immensely in my pocket and I reached down to pull it out, eyes scrunching up at the contact. "Huh?" I mumbled, putting the phone up to my ear once I answered.

Why was Travis calling me?

"Hey," I cleared my throat, not wanting to sound like I had been crying for days. "What's up?" It was odd that he was calling me during work hours, but I said nothing, waiting for him to respond. It was a few seconds of silence and I wondered if he dialed me on accident, but he had spoken in a curt voice.

"Ezra, we need to talk."