"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark. Finally, I can see you crystal clear. Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare. See how I leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do," Rolling in the Deep, Adele

I kept reading.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling.

As I read every single word on the page, written in Nishan's cursive handwriting, each sentence telling a tale of the worst thing possible, I tried so hard not to weep violently. I could literally feel his emotions and I couldn't put together how he felt in that moment. I could only understand why he was the way that he was and nothing hurt more to imagine how distraught and broken he grew out to be.

November 8, 2005.

I remember the day that it happened.

I told mom that I didn't like the way that her brother looked at me but she told me that it was okay and that he was just a little odd in the head. I told her that he kept trying to rub my skin and it made me uncomfortable, but she said the same thing to me. That Easton was just odd in the head.

I didn't think anything of it. He was my uncle and he swore up and down that he had my best interest at heart and that he wanted nothing but the best for me. I should've known what he meant by that. That same day that I told my mother that I really didn't like her brother at all, it all changed for me once day turned into night and he somehow crept his way into my room when everyone else was sleeping.

He raped me.

That damn asshole forced himself inside of me. He didn't care that I was begging him to stop, or that I was bleeding so much. He didn't care that I was crying and telling him that I didn't want it. He only said that I would soon like it if I just kept quiet and being as small as I was then, there was no way that I could fight him off. The only thing that I could do was look in my sister's eyes as she stared from the closet of my room, eyes filled with tears as she muffled her cries, hoping that someone would do something to help me.

In a few years, I should be over it. It only happened once. It should be gone from my mind by then and I won't have to be reminded of how disgusting I felt afterwards, how much I hate men and their ludicrous ways.

But I'm not and I never would be.

It haunted me every day and it will for as long as I live.

n.r.l

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I didn't jump like I normally would have. I didn't hear the disgust in his voice as I closed the journal slowly, biting my lip to keep my whimper in. I couldn't even stop myself from shaking as I turned around gradually, feeling like I had been shot in the chest.

I looked into mismatched eyes, taking a step forward as I placed the journal on the dresser, those eyes clouding over as they made contact with the cover. "I see you've read it." Nishan's voice was hard as he folded his arms, stepping inside the room to close the door. He furrowed his brows, leaving no inclination or assumptions as to what he may be feeling, and that made everything else worse.

Though we were both wrong, I had completely misjudged this man. He was wrong for treating me the way that he did, but my gut feeling proved right that he had something to hide. There was something that his eyes were hiding and this was it. Nishan just stood there, no aggressive nature like always, staring at me with an unreadable expression. He had nothing to say, but I had an inkling that he just couldn't explain how he felt because after years of it being compiled upon, one after the other, you forget.

I took more steps towards him, my eyes cloudy and blurry with the tears that I shed for him. He continued to look at me, face cold and rigid as his arms fell by his side, watching me step in his personal bubble. He had been taken advantage of and he blamed himself for Noami dying. How could one not want to cry? Was it because I had invaded his privacy? Somehow, I didn't think that was it. I let my head hang low, pressing it against his chest, trying to relieve this inner turmoil. "Why are you not sad? Why are you not mad?" I banged my fists against his chest, more tears falling and distorting the sound of my wail. "Why won't you cry?" I shook my head, wondering what he was thinking when Easton was doing that to him.

"Why should I?" Nishan's voice was empty as if he had no emotion to show and it told me that he was trying everything he could to keep them at bay because he had done so for thirteen years. He had kept that mental scar in his mind, allowing it to slowly heal every day that went by. Seeing Easton after so long probably destroyed all that healing that he desperately tried and it burned my heart to see his hands shaking below me.

"Remembering it is entirely worse, Ezra."

More tears fell to the ground like they were nothing at the sound of his defeated tone. I didn't dare look up because I just knew that he was fighting back those tears despite how strong and willful he may be. I could tell that he was broken and it made it hard for me to cope because I couldn't stand seeing him this way. That, and the fact that he reminded me of myself when I came out of high school: scared, ashamed, torn beyond repair. The only difference between us was that we dealt with it in two different ways.

"Why did they beat you up, my poor child?" I felt a wet and cold washcloth clearing away the dried blood around my nose and I looked into the eyes of my mother, hearing my father ranting behind her. "We need to go and sue those parents for allowing those kids to beat our son like this!" It was nice that he was coming to my rescue, but they didn't even know why I was being abused like this at school. "It doesn't matter. Graduation day is in a few days, baby," She sighed and I was just glad that it would be over.

"Ow!" I jumped in pain as she tapped my broken nose, shifting the bone back into place. "I'm sorry, honey," She muttered apologetically and I wondered if she would act the same once she understood why this kept happening to me every single day. "Why do they keep doing this to you?" She whispered, reaching over to grab my hand, her lips contorted into a pout. I looked at her hand, biting my lip. "Yea, son. You seem to know why they're doing this," My father folded his arms, looking at me with concern in those eyes of his and I knew that I was backed up into a corner.

I couldn't lie and say that I didn't because they knew me better than I knew myself. They knew my tells because like an idiot, I wore my emotions on my sleeve. "I," I took a deep breath, tears already in my eyes because I knew where this was headed. "Mom, dad, please don't hate me," I whispered, a tear leaving its home to fall on her hand, mirrored confusion binding their faces as they stared at me, waiting for me to get on with it.

It was now or never.

"I'm gay." My voice was hollow and it took a minute to register within their minds but once it did, my mother snatched her hand away from mine like it was poisonous, the towel falling from my face as she stood up, walking away from me. She didn't have to say anything because I knew what she was thinking. My father just stood there, his face stone-cold and his lips contorted into a sneer as he looked at me, not as his son, but as another disgusting abomination that needed to be killed.

"...get out." That was all he said as he gave me that one last look that told me I better poof out of the air because he didn't want to see me ever again.

I blinked, having the sinking feeling that this was going to happen. I had hoped that my suspicions wouldn't prove to be correct, but it was sad because I had a plan already should this have happened. I didn't even try to put up a fight because there was no need to. I just knew that my parents would never be okay with me being gay and if they weren't, the rest of Houston wouldn't be.

So I packed up and I moved to the outskirts of Houston to live with my mentor Celina.

I had dealt with that rejection in a manner that kept me reserved. I was quiet and I stayed to myself, wary of others, not easily giving my trust out. I didn't count on anyone because I had no one to rely on but Celina, and she wanted me to grow and see the world for itself and come to realize that I was better than what everyone else said I was.

Nishan had no one.

"I'm sorry," I rubbed my head against his chest, gripping his arms so that he could really comprehend how I felt for him at this moment. "I'm so fucking sorry!" I blubbered and he just put a hand on my hand, allowing me to feel the tremors of his unsteady hand. I sniffled once more, feeling something wet touch my scalp and I slowly looked up at him, seeing a singular tear leave his green eye—exposing the truth that he wanted to forget.

Nishan shook his head at me as if he was telling me that it wasn't my fault. He was comforting me with his hand and I was trying my best to comfort him with all that I could. There was just no way that I could say or do anything that would remove the pain and angst that churned inside of his mind, growing within the last thirteen years. "There's no need to be because it's already done." Nishan sounded completely dead, hollow, void.

But his eyes told me that his mind knew it all.

He crouched down so that he was eye level with me. He didn't say a word but I could feel his pain literally pouring out of his pores and that didn't stop me from reaching around his neck, pulling him into me. He was tense, not expecting it, but he soon obliged, wrapping his arms around my waist as he leaned into my touch, more tears staining my shoulder.

"Please do not feel ashamed because nothing was your fault, Ni," I sniffled, rubbing his back. This moment was so uncanny because no one could ever see this coming. "You are so much stronger than you think are." Nishan didn't say anything, but he allowed himself to relish in the moment because we knew sooner or later, he'd never get the chance to ask for comfort or help in healing.

All of a sudden, the door busted open and Eve rushed in, looking around frantically. "W-what happened?!" She sputtered, Leon and Natalie coming in behind her. "I heard yelling," Leon grunted as I let Nishan go, anger rising to the top. She appeared so confused, but she ignored her own son's words of uncertainty that led that to happen to him. Nishan stood next to me, wary because he could feel the burning rage that was threatening to explode. I had no idea why I was feeling this way. It wasn't my problem; it wasn't my family. Seeing Nishan keeping his feelings in like that, reading his painful words, it ignited something inside of me.

I could feel my timid nature trying to hold me back but not today. "Did you know that your so-called dear brother sexually assaulted Nishan thirteen years ago?" I asked calmly, garnering a collective gasp from the three of them. It probably wasn't my place for me to tell them, but Nishan never would tell them because he blamed himself. There was no way that I could let that go on. "Huh?" Leon blinked, hurt evident on his face as Natalie blinked, mouth open and flabbergasted but I had a feeling she knew something about it.

I had wished that someone would've spoken up for me when I got bullied. I wished someone did what I did, despite how wrong it may have seemed. I just wished that someone was there for me because I truly was at a loss of how to be there for others. I just wished that someone would've stepped in and made it stop because they knew what was going on behind the scenes.

Because they knew.

I pointed to Eve, who had the nerve to look ashamed and bashful. "You had to know. You had to have some idea of what he was doing to your son. Anybody had to fucking know!" Another tear fell from my eye as she bit her lip, trying to keep her emotions at bay. "You knew that he killed your daughter Naomi," I shook my head and her eyes widened, watching Leon and Natalie turn to her with an incredulous look.

"H-how do yo—" I stopped her right then and there because there was no point in going down that road. I couldn't go back to that timid me and let this fly over our heads because it had to come out. "It doesn't matter how I know. What matters is that you did nothing about it!" I screeched, freeing myself of the spider web that was this family. "What matters is that you let that man keep his hold over you and look what it's done." I shook my head in mock irony, unable to stop myself.

"I'm sorry for saying it like that, but I can't stand to see you tear yourselves down even more," There was nothing that I could do for them. I couldn't tell them what each person was going through because they had to figure that out for themselves. Like Eve told me on the first day of work, I was just the maid and no one else.

"I-I'm sorry," I untied my apron, watching Nishan give me a look that he had never once done before: lost. He looked as if he didn't want me to go, and that made it all the harder because I finally cracked and revealed the true Nishan Remington Lawrence. "But I just can't do it," I threw my apron on the ground, giving the four of them one last look. "Ez—" The son began to speak pleadingly but I held my hand up. "I can't work for a family who'll do everything in the power but talk about what has happened to each and every one of you. How can you try to be a family if you can't support one another?" I wished that my own parents would have stood by me and supported me through whatever happened, but their true colors came out.

I wouldn't subject myself to that again. It didn't have to happen to me, but seeing such pain and agony like this reminded me of the life that I was trying to leave behind.

"I can't work for people like you," I glared Eve and Leon in their eyes, wondering why they felt the need to snatch the last piece of hope from everyone in the room. It would've been so different if they weren't the cause of their own problems. "People who would rather walk around the truth and pretend that everything is okay when it motherfucking isn't! I can't work for someone who'd rather cower in fear of someone in power," I stared dead at Eve, who just flicked her gaze down. "Then get justice for a life that didn't deserve to be taken," I pointed at Nishan. "For someone who didn't deserve what was done to them."

Leon couldn't do anything but look over at his son with tears in eyes, probably questioning why he never told them. I guess one could say that I should've taken my own advice and not cower in fear in front of my bullies because they were just bullies, but it didn't matter. It was just me that was affected, not my entire family. This and that are two different cases but I'd wholeheartedly tell my younger self the same thing if I could.

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone," I wiped my tears, sniffling spitefully as I walked past them, completely aware of what I was leaving behind. My friendships with Chevonne, Michael, and Jude, my growing relationship with Nishan and Noelani, a chance to learn from Leon about the business world, words of advice from Eve about life and what it has to offer, and a chance to heal not only with Natalie, but Nishan as well. I was leaving behind a chance to see the color of life he had given me but I was returning to the world of white and black. "I just can't do it," I opened the door, prepared to leave.

"Not anymore."