Falling Slowly
Paul didn't question me the rest of the night, I fell asleep fast and before I knew it, we had to be awake. I sat down to a quick breakie in the hotel with Paul, John, George and Ringo. I felt immensely better than I had the night before just laughing with the four of them. I'd never imagined in all my life I would be sitting with them as a friend. Each of them were so different. John, always witty, sarcastic and sometimes caustic, deep down you could tell he really cared about the others. George, much more quiet, but had his own sharp tongue when given the chance. Ringo, always had a joke to share, he always made sure I was included in the conversation. And Paul, who I thought was a bit standoffish at first, was incredibly sweet. His sense of humour was similar to John's only a bit more subdued. He and John were hilarious together, John coming up with ways to mix things up and Paul egging him on.
We arrived on set around 9. Mandy, was the first to greet me. She said nothing but grinned from ear to ear, I rolled my eyes and headed into makeup with her. We sat and joked as we got ready for the day. My mood being lifted quite a bit. Filming that morning rushed by, we had a grand time and I was feeling on top of the world. However, things would change in the afternoon. We switched to a different scene, it would be set in a restaurant of sorts...it was a bizarre dream sequence, apparently a dream John had, something about Jessie and Spaghetti. At first it all seemed silly, then we were told our costumes. I was at what was referred to as "the knickers table". Which just as it sounds, we were only going to be wearing our knickers. I started panicking as we made our way back to the dressing rooms, Mandy was chatting with another actress named Maggie.
I pulled her aside "Mandy, I don't think I can do this" I confessed.
"Tilly luv, what do ya' mean? It'll be alright, you're a fit little thing" she laughed.
"It has nothing to do with the shape I'm in" I said. The only thing I could do was show her, I un-tucked the blouse I was wearing so she could see. Mandy gasped.
"Tilly! What happened?" she asked worriedly, I instantly hushed her.
"It's a long story..." I said trying to conceal the scar again "I don't want anyone to see it"
"Lovey, we'll be sitting down at a table. You'll be alright, ok?" Mandy tried assuring me.
I didn't want to be the actress who expected special treatment (even if I was able to have it at that point), most of all I didn't want him to know.
So, I thought on the simple words "be strong". I put on the best face I could, and was in my knickers moments later.
Soon after, I was at a table with a few other actors and the Beatles roadie Mal. I was extremely scared, however I tried my hardest not to look it. It was a fairly easy scene, we ate during most of it, walked on tables the rest. I have to admit, it was probably the most bizarre scene we'd filmed yet!
A break was eventually called, and sure enough Paul found me. I was still down to my knickers and immediately had my arms crossed over my stomach trying to conceal the scar. He had a sly grin which I couldn't help but smile at.
"I told you I would see more of ya' today" he said putting his arms around me. I put my arms around him instinctively, the feel of his hand on my skin was electric.
"Yeah, you just didn't tell me it'd be in front of the entire cast!" I laughed.
"Well, then we could make it a more private affair....tonight" he whispered.
"Tenacious aren't you?" I laughed.
"You've no idea luv" he smiled before kissing me
"Can't ya' keep your hands off her for 5 minutes?" a familiar voice sounded. I tried finding something to cover up with, to no avail.
"Relax Tilly," John laughed "We've been filming all afternoon, don't think I haven't caught a few glances already"
"Sod off John" I laughed. He tossed me a dressing gown which I immediately slipped into.
"Lunch has been called by the way," John advised "thought the two of you might like to know"
"Great! I'm starved! Where would ya' like to eat Tilly luv?" Paul asked.
"Sorry Macca, she promised me lunch...remember?" John grinned.
John and I sat eating our lunch...both thankful it wasn't spaghetti.
"So, what's with the scar?" John asked after a while. I had always thought him to be the male version of Sam, he didn't disappoint. However, it still sent a shock through me.
I bit my lip anxiously.
"It's nothing" I said. It was unconvincing and I knew it.
"Come on then, what? Was it a knife fight? Our wee Tilly more of a teddy then we had her pegged?"
"Its. Nothing!" I said bluntly. John seemed shocked.
"I'm sorry John, I don't like talking about it" I added looking down at my plate. He regarded me for a moment.
"I'm sorry Tilly," he said finally "Call it morbid curiosity, call it concern for me best friend"
The second part of his statement had me confused and I asked him about it.
"Well, 4 in the morning I heard you rush down to the lobby, shortly after Paul followed. Tilly luv, ya' can't tell me ya' don't see that he cares about you?"
I bit my lip again.
"We have our disagreements, but he's me best mate, yeah? He just came out of a tumultuous relationship...now, I'm worried he's heading back into one only with a different bird" John explained.
"What the bloody hell do you mean by that?" I demanded, I was again insulted "I try to avoid drama at all costs, I don't care about the fame behind him, I care about him!" I went pale as I admitted it. I knew it was true....it scared me terribly.
"That's a start. But, you have something going on in you don't you?" John inquired "Something here." He added patting my head "Not something that makes you bad, but something you don't want him to know"
"There's a lot I don't want ANYONE to know about me John" I said crossing my arms.
"Like what?" John asked plainly.
"If I can't bring myself to tell him, what makes you think I'll tell you" I bit fighting back tears.
"Easy...you don't care for me like you do him" he said with a smirk. In a way, he was right.
"Look, I battle things I've believed about myself since I was younger every day, I fight even worse demons nightly." I said "I don't honestly know what he sees in me, but I'm starting to believe it more each day"
"Alright Tilly," he said as he got up from the table to give me a friendly hug "I didn't want to upset ya's, I'm not the arsehole everyone thinks I am".
"I don't want to be hurt anymore" I confessed quietly. John was silent.
"And I don't want to hurt him"
The rest of the day was rough. I couldn't shake any of the feelings from the flashback the night before, the thoughts surrounding my feelings for Paul or anything. All I knew, was despite everything, oddly enough I wanted to stay with him that night. After we were finished filming, Paul drove me back to my hotel so I could pick up some fresh clothes and basic necessities before we headed back to his hotel.
When we arrived back at the hotel, I opted to shower. I needed it, my anxiety was on fire...I was going to do my best to not hide away for once. As I finished in the bath I could hear Paul in the bedroom singing softly.
"Then I will remember, things we said today..."
I smiled slightly at the irony...however, I'd always liked that song. I put on a fresh set of knickers and slipped into my robe.
As I entered, he was strumming his guitar...only, now it was a song I didn't recognize, at least I wouldn't yet. He looked up and smiled at me, still strumming lightly.
"'Ello gorgeous" he said. I instantly smiled. I sat beside him on the bed
"What are you playing?" I asked.
"Not sure really, making it up as I go..." he admitted humming softly. "Do you like it?" the guitar part was intricate and simple at the same time.
"I do actually" I smiled.
"Gear...I'll have to see if I can remember it later" he said setting the guitar down and putting his arms around me. We sat in silence awhile, my mind was racing about as fast as my heart. I wanted to let him in so bad, but I was scared of what might happen. Finally he spoke.
"Tilly luv," he began "I've been meaning to ask ya'..." he seemed nervous
"Yeah?" I said knowing full well what the question would be.
"I don't want to intrude, but I noticed today..." he said holding me closer to him. I bit my lip, anticipating the question.
"Your scar..." he finally said "what happened?"
I sighed, but remained quiet. I was trying to figure out what to say, I hated talking about it, it forced me to relive that moment over again, which I hated.
"Does it have anything to do with why you were sobbing in the loo last night? Or why you nearly left?" he asked. I thought again, still trying to find the words.
"I don't know what you see in me..." I sighed. Paul tried to say something, before he could I continued "I have a difficult time letting others in who just want friendship, let alone, any guys interested in more...
I hate reliving a lot of my past. I worry if I tell you anything, you'll only hurt me in the end." I confessed.
"Don't think that" he said "I want to make you happy. I see a lot in you Tilly. If it weren't for the fact I just came out of a relationship and have a bloody image to keep up, I'd ask you to be mine right now."
I almost melted right there. This couldn't be real.
"But I want you to trust me" he said. "I'll do what I can to earn that"
"I want to luv...it's hard for me to trust anyone..." I said. Then, I did something I didn't expect.
"I'm probably the only 18 month old in England who had a cast on in her family photo." I laughed sardonically. Paul raised an eyebrow.
"I'm serious! Mum asked Daphne to hold me for a moment, it was the day before our family photo, anyway we were sitting on this fairly high chair and she dropped me....broke my arm" I explained. "Dad was furious! Mum was beside herself"
Paul grimaced a bit at what I wished could've been a much happier story from childhood. I continued
"Thing is, it could've been taken for an accident. If it hadn't been for all the other 'accidents' I seemed to have when she was around"
I told him of the fights we'd get into, the kicking, the punching, this wasn't your normal sibling rivalry.
"Ya' know how when you have a brother or sister, you fight and say something silly like 'Oh, I hate them!'?" I asked knowing Paul had a younger brother. He laughed and nodded.
"I mean it when I say it. I have since I was 11 years old."
I went on to tell him of my dad's death, it was a car accident. I was in the car with him, we were coming home from a music lesson...his car was smashed completely. Luckily, I only had a few minor injuries, dad however...wasn't so lucky. I told how I watched him die in hospital one evening when I was 9 years old. I told him how nearly two years later, our living situation changed, we had a step dad. Thomas. Thomas LOVED Daphne. He adored Lucy, my younger sister...she's impossible not to like. But me, I was the trouble maker, the bad child, I was a horror in etiquette lessons, cut classes, the only thing I was regular about attending was my piano and voice lessons (which Thomas threatened to take away constantly). Needless to say, Daphne got away with her abuse. It was always my fault. I told him how, Daphne would threaten to make my life worse if I ever told anyone anything. I told him of the fight we had over dad...how it ended with me on the floor bleeding, being rushed to the hospital to be stitched up.
"I thought I was going to die" I said softly, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Paul held me closer.
"I wasn't in hospital long, but I couldn't play, everything hurt, my stitches pulled...I couldn't do many things a normal 11 year old could until I had the stitches out. Daphne...was nice to me then. You would think that was the turning point for us, no. The instant I was able to move around more, she made it her job to humiliate me, she would lift my shirts to show off the scar to her friends to humiliate me further. I was ugly...I was crazy...and...
I. hated. her. I can't forgive her for what she's done, I had very few friends growing up because of her, she told them all I was mental. I made a vow, that once I was old enough, I'd leave. And I did, I spent a few nights staying on couches, paying strangers bit by bit as I stayed the night, which yielded some unwelcome advances from time to time. Then I met Sam at a pub, I had little money, I was still recovering from a recent fight with Daph from before I left. We chatted the whole night, after she found out I was pretty much homeless, she took me to her parents' house where she was living, they accepted me. Outright. I'd never had that. Eventually, Sam and I rented our own flat...the rest is bloody history"
"Why does your sister hate you so much?" Paul asked after I finished. I shrugged.
"Until I was born, she was the apple of dad's eye. I look much more like him then she does, he and I were much closer. That and to be honest, while Daphne was blessed with looks...she hasn't any talent" I laughed "Dad always loved music, he was a concert pianist, played violin and sang. Our house was filled with music. From an early age, I was singing...I played piano. Daphne, can't carry a bloody tune if it killed her. The first time I realized her 'accidents' were on purpose, was when I was playing piano, I think I was 3, she slammed the cover on me fingers"
"Bloody hell Tilly, I'm sorry" Paul sighed as he kissed my forehead. My face was damp from tears. There was more, however, I couldn't say it...not yet, I was still scared. Paul then lifted my chin, he smiled at me warmly, the same smile that no matter what seemed to make me smile as well.
"Have I told you that when the four of us were looking through a book of possible actors for this film I was immediately taken with you?" he asked. I raised an eyebrow.
"I mean it luv, I hadn't actually thought any of what's happened between us would have. But I'm glad it has."
He pulled me closer to him, his kiss was soft and made me feel relaxed. I didn't want it to end. I felt him undo the tie on my dressing gown, I didn't protest. However, once it was open, I instinctively moved to cover my stomach. Paul, then did something I didn't expect. He gently moved my crossed arms away, my heart had leapt into my throat, figuring he would be disgusted. He then ran his fingers over the scar, mind you...this isn't a little scar, it stretches from just to the left of my belly button to a bit under my ribcage (don't ask how it's so big, I don't know, nor do I care to), his touch alone sent chills down my entire body. He then did something even more unexpected, slowly he moved himself down and kissed along my stomach, moving upward until we were face to face.
"You're not repulsed by me then?" I asked. He laughed softly.
"Ever notice this?" he said pointing to the left side of his lip. I nodded, I had felt his scar when we kissed before.
"It was a silly accident. I crashed me scooter...really stupid of me. Landed me this lil bugger, that's part of the reason I grew a moustache for a while when we were working on Pepper. But, you're not disgusted by it" he pointed out. I simply shook my head and smiled, I kissed him softly then I laughed slightly.
"Now we're even"
With that he smiled wider. He kissed me softly at first, the kiss became much deeper fast. I tangled my fingers in his hair, I could not get enough of him! I was afraid this would happen, however that night...I didn't feel any fear. Just the need to be close to him. He pulled me closer, moving his hand down gently over my side, I felt him slide my underwear off my hips...and I didn't protest. Paul continued with removing them and moaned into the kiss, instinctively I pulled myself closer to him. From there, he wrapped his arm around me tight and pulled me into a sitting position with him, he kissed my neck as he fumbled a bit with the bra hooks
"This is alright, yeah?" he asked. I smiled at the fact he cared, granted this all dashed my talk of taking things slow...
"If it wasn't I would've punched you by now" I whispered. He laughed softly before kissing me and saying "that's my girl". His girl. He wanted me to be his. He looked at me for a moment and smiled. His hand reached up to brush my cheek.
"Tilly luv, you are absolutely beautiful" he said. The way he said it, how he was looking at me...I knew then, I loved him. It was something that terrified me, but I wanted to tell him.
"Paul, I should tell you..." I started.
Funny thing about love, it never comes out when you want it to or how you want it to. I tried gathering the words, I was terrified to say anything more, afraid he'd leave. But I knew what I felt, I bit my lip nervously. He smiled warmly at me and kissed me before telling me "You've already told me enough luv, you don't need to tell me anythin' more"
He laid me back on the bed, and took off the pyjama pants he was wearing before turning back to me.
"Do you want to do this, luv? We don't have to" Paul said seeming concerned. I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair again. I didn't say anything, I kissed him and that said enough. No, we weren't taking things slow...my logic this time was outweighed by my need to be close to him.
Now, I'll be honest. I've never been particularly fond of sex...yeah, it's nice and all, I just never got as much out of it as most girls did. But, that night was different. Aside from the obvious physical connection, there was a strong emotional connection...and I wasn't the only one feeling it. Every touch sent me to another world, feeling him against me, his words and breath hot against my skin until both of us collapsed from exhaustion.
"That was more then I'd imagined it would be" Paul laughed as he pulled me closer to him.
"Really...and how long have you imagined that?" curiosity got the best of me.
"Remember that day with the dandelions? When you tucked them in me hat during the break?" he asked. I nodded.
"I think that's when"
"Bloody pervert" I teased. He laughed, then kissed me again.
"Goodnight Tilly luv" he yawned. I wasn't tired yet. I watched him sleep awhile, he was everything I could've dreamt of, and he really cared. I nestled into his arm, thinking on all that had happened in the short time filming and smiled. For the first time in a long time, I slept in complete peace that night.
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Soundtrack: Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Merketa Irglova
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