The distant sounds of a lone, sleepy thrush serenaded us as we continued somewhat wearily down the uneven cobble road that led to Winterhold, only seeming to amplify the dearth of liveliness and conversation amongst my current company in the onsetting dusk. Despite my assurances I would wake my companions when I wished to sleep, I had not, and it appeared that my companions—or, Kha'Drazza, at least—were ever so slightly suspicious about my aversion to sleep. I had attempted to convince them I had not been tired enough to bother anyone to take the next watch, but apparently my assertions had not been convincing enough for the khajiit to take at face value.

I had done my best to ignore the inquiring and ever-so-slightly curious looks she snuck my way, trying my hardest to keep myself busy with Mél's journal. I had found, however, that over the course of the day, I had more or less skimmed the same few passages over and over again, my brain refusing to commit any of what I actually read to memory. It also did not help overmuch that I had not slept for what was now over sixty hours, but that was a necessary evil. At least, I felt that it was. How much longer can I keep this up? I wondered silently, leaning further into the wooden side of the cart I was seated in. This can't be healthy. But I'm inclined to think that when I do sleep I get even less benefit from it. Will it ever end? How dedicated is Vaermina to persecuting me and assailing my subconscious?

It would not help me to continue thinking about such things, and I tried to force the questions from my head, particularly the ones I feared I knew the answers to.

And, more importantly, how long until my new companions end up suffering for merely associating with me?

I grimaced at the thought, casting a glance towards Adir, who was still steering the cart. He seemed blissfully unaware of the slight tension between his current passengers, his focus seemingly entirely consumed by the road ahead and any potential obstacles. I found myself envying his carefree and alert posture, those two states of being completely out of my ability to attain with the machinations of a malevolent Daedra bleeding into almost every aspect of my life. But, at the very least, he did not seem bothered by my habits and aversions to certain venues of conversation, and I was glad of his accepting and silent company.

The dagi-raht sent another glance my way, and I did my best to make it seem as if I had not noticed, instead turning my focus towards the scenery once more as I observed our position. In terms of greenery, the landscape was rather devoid of trees, with scraggly looking wild snowberry bushes springing up here and there close to the roadside, and the only other sign of life I caught a glimpse of was the retreating form of a snowy-coated hare as it sprinted away from our noisy procession. There was still a good stretch of relatively straight roadway left, though several meters away, I could make out a split in the road, and a sizable wooden post staked in the ground where the cobblestone split apart, most likely a sign of some type. Mildly curious, I began rummaging around in my satchel to try and find my map to see if I could figure out which path would lead us more quickly to Winterhold.

A shrill, otherworldly sound pierced the air, filling the otherwise near-silence with a palpable, cold dread.

I froze, my satchel slipping from my grasp and hitting the cart's bottom with a punctuating thud. A lone, well-read book tumbled out from the bag's open flap as I shot to my feet, snapping to face the direction from which the noise came — not far behind us.

Stendarr help us, I prayed as I caught sight of the abomination, What on Mundus is that?

This... being was unlike anything I'd had the misfortune to see before. It was black and empty as pitch, appearing to be vaporous at the edges, almost not quite extant but too there for it to be otherwise. It stood taller than any normal beast, almost rivaling the size of a dragon, and moved at an alarming speed for something of its bulk. Shadows seemed to drip and ooze from its lean sides and curiously corded, muscular legs - it was on all fours - as it raced along, its four pairs of slitted, purplish eyes glowing ominously as its attention fixed on our cart. As it moved, it flickered in and out of existence, and slavering, impossibly wide jaws cracked open as it let out the most otherworldly, haunting noise as of yet known to me.

I was struck with terror instantly, this horrendous clamor finally pushing me to my breaking point. And, to my utter disbelief, Kha'Drazza and Adir seemed to be entirely unaware of the eldritch abomination that had begun to chase us down.

"What in Oblivion is wrong with you two! We need to get moving now!"

As all I received in reply was a bewildered glance from Kha'Drazza and a confused "What?" from Adir, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

"I said we need to get moving!" I repeated emphatically as I vaulted into the driver's seat, yanking Adir back by the collar of his shirt from his seat into the wagon and taking the reins myself.

"Helvia, what has gotten into-" the redguard started indignantly as I urged his horse into a gallop none-too-gently, the cart lurching forward at the change in speed and causing him to fall back onto the floor as he elicited a cry of surprise.

"You'll thank me for this later - probably!" I shouted as I cast a glance backwards, hoping I was putting some distance between our crew and that - that thing. To my utter consternation, it seemed to be keeping up with us, and in fact, had sped up as well. I frowned determinedly, snapping the reins as I willed Zephyr to move faster. From there on, it was if I was a different person - aware of what I was doing but not fully in control of it. Terror had nestled itself in my chest, driving me onward, just anywhere away from the being that pursued me.

We flew across the uneven road at a near-gallop, the draft's pitch black coat flecked with white foam and grunting with the exertion of pulling along the weight of the wagon. The wheels creaked ominously and clattered against the road near violently, and from the muffled curses and sounds of scrabbling behind me I figured I had some time before either of them would give me trouble. Why can't they see it? It's not exactly easy to miss!

As we reached the fork in the road I turned blindly, yanking Zephyr to the left and evoking an uncomfortable grunt from the equine as he struggled to turn so sharply. The wagon seemed to have trouble with this as well, as it dipped to the right and the wheels groaned, just as the sound of not-so-muffled swearing reached my ears.

"That's it! This ends now!" Adir yelled, sounding considerably more angry than he had before, his hand grabbing my shoulder with surprising strength. "For the love of Ius, stop the cart!"

"Are you crazy?" I called back, "So we can be torn apart by that abomination? I don't think so!"

"The mage is surely mistaken! There is nothing after us!" Kha'Drazza asserted, her voice strained and dripping with unspoken annoyance.

I risked another glance over my shoulder. What the... There was nothing there. Oh, gods. The realization hit me like a giant's club to the gut, my grip on the reins slackening as the reality –was it even reality?– of my situation hit me. Did I – was that –

The reins slipped from my hands entirely as I shut down, currently unable to cope with my actions, and that was when everything went to Oblivion. Zephyr, now out of control and still moving too fast, veered off further left, and there was a resounding crack as we went off the path, sending the wagon careening sideways. I fell freely, the world distorting briefly with all its whites and greys and muted greens. A fierce, relentless agony shot through my nerves as I was thrown roughly across the hardened, snowy earth, my momentum causing me to bounce, the back of my head striking the ground with tremendous force. My vision wavered violently, and abandoned me entirely soon after, setting me adrift in suffocating, unnatural darkness.

I sense that you have drawn nearer to my shrine. An all-too-familiar voice crooned, sounding strangely inviting despite my past encounters with it. It swirled around me, thick and deep as freshly-spilt blood, relaxing yet bewildering in its very contradictory, deceptive nature. With each passing second, I felt as if I was less myself, even in unconsciousness becoming increasingly more unaware.

You are angry with me, and afraid. I understand this. Yet you will find I will not so easily relinquish my claim to you, little one. There is much I have as of yet been unable to show you, the things that I have to offer, and what part you play in my master work. It is a magnificent one, I assure you, mortal. My curiosity was half-piqued, but – but no. No. This wasn't safe. It couldn't be. I can't trust it. Especially not after... what was it? What was I missing? Something had happened, hadn't it? I can't trust it!

As you have ventured deeper into my domain, I have already begun to show you just what I am capable of in the spheres I influence. It is only a matter of time before you stand before me to receive my boon. Come to me, child, and the fate of this world can be yours to shape.

The darkness shifted ever so slightly, beginning to evaporate as the deep, intoxicating sonority of the Prince's voice commanded me once more.

Come.

"Guh!"

I jerked back into consciousness spastically, an unintelligent gasp escaping my lips as the sky spun slowly above me. Gods, my head... I groaned, blinking rapidly as my eyes readjusted to the light, only to quickly clench them shut as a wave of nausea wracked me. Where did I – Oh. Oh no. No, no, no no no... Gritting my teeth, I picked myself up off the ground, hissing as my spine twinged in protest, as I attempted to survey the damage I had done in my manic, half-mad state.

The wagon had been dragged a good deal further down the road while still on its side, splinters of what had once been its front and back left wheels littering the road between its current location and where I'd lain, and some of our belongings had been scattered across the ice-encrusted, dead grassland. Adir was currently standing beside Zephyr, whose harness he was currently detaching from the badly damaged cart, and not far from me Kha'Drazza sat motionlessly, facing the road, seeming to have been quite stunned by the whole ordeal. And this is why you should have traveled alone, idiot. You couldn't control yourself back on High Hrothgar and posed a threat to Helgír's well-being, and even without any real threat you actually put these two into very real danger! Now what am I supposed to tell them? If they even wish to hear me out at all, that is. I wouldn't blame them if they wanted nothing more to do with me.

"This one thinks that she and the knight are owed a very detailed explanation as to why this transpired," the dagi-raht spoke suddenly, and I turned with a start to see her walking towards me, looking down at me with a rather unfriendly glint in her eyes. "When khajiit agreed to travel with the mage, she thought her sound of mind and judgement. She was not wrong in this assumption, no?"

I cringed inwardly, knowing I was more than deserving of her harsh reaction but was still taken aback by it all the same. "I'm... I know I owe you an explanation. It's just..." I sighed, taking a moment to mull over what to say. "I haven't been able to sleep lately without having horrible nightmares, and so I've been avoiding it entirely. They started shortly after I parted ways with my previous company, but it seems that it has finally begun to take a noticeable toll on me."

Kha'Drazza gave me a skeptical look in response, and I continued hurriedly, "They're not those foolish nightmares about one's teeth falling out or anything. They're personal – and unnatural. Every time I do sleep, I awaken with less energy than I had previously. And as far as I know, there is no way to 'fix' this."

"When I... last interacted with my former companions, it was not under pleasant circumstances. We were ambushed by bandits—" Stop, no! What in Oblivion are you doing? They deserve to know the legitimate reason why you— I looked away from the khajiit's piercing gaze before I continued to spin a mediocre half-truth that might placate her, "And one of them was... was killed. Our group disbanded quickly after. And the memories... it's been weeks but everything is as crystal clear in my mind as it was that horrid day." That much was true, at least. Probably partially thanks to Vaermina's ever so considerate and persistent reminders of Nightbrook's sacrifice. "I think it's made me paranoid, and, with a lack of rest, maybe even delusional. I don't know what possessed me, but... it's probably safest for me to continue my journey on my own once I've paid for the damage I've caused–"

"If the mage thinks khajiit could let someone so obviously in need of assistance continue on her own, and potentially cause more unintentional harm to others, then she really is out of her mind."

"Wait, what?"

"I'm with Kha'Drazza on this one. What you're going through seems horrendous, and certainly doesn't seem like any fault of yours - not directly, anyhow. While I definitely will take you up on your offer of paying for repairs, it'd be a fine way to repay someone for saving my hide just to abandon them at the first sign of trouble," Adir added, looking a bit more cross than his khajiiti companion but still having an air of frustratingly determined kindness about him, "But I have to warn you, I'm not over fond of the idea of you sitting anywhere near the front of the cart in the future."

"That's more than fair. But I can't guarantee the road to Winterhold won't be filled with worse happenings, whether by my own hand or-"

"Khajiit and the knight will deal with that if it occurs, when it occurs."

"... If that's how you feel about it, thanks," I responded somewhat lamely, both gladdened and slightly worried by my companions' willingness to continue to travel with me. As much as I enjoyed having them around, it was obvious that neither of them saw me in the same way they had before, and for the first time, I wondered if this was perhaps how Helgír had felt upon my first discovering his true nature. Is this destined to be mine? We're different, though. Aren't we? I was starting to feel increasingly unsure about that.

"No thanks necessary. Especially considering that we need to deal with the aftermath of your- erm, recent events," Adir backtracked, turning back towards his ruined wagon with a critical eye, "The left wheels are well and truly done for, but the rest of it is more than salvageable. And, luckily enough for us, if that signpost back there was accurate, we're just on the borders of the Pale's capital. We can easily reach town before night falls, and I can probably pay some of the locals to help me move the wagon in for professional repair. We'll probably have to stay there for a day or two, though."

Oh, no.

"From what this one has heard of Dawnstar, there is not too much of import there. Surely it will not be too expensive to room there, no?"

Gods preserve me. Anger rushed through me as I suddenly realized that I had been driven along subtly like a blind - albeit stubborn - sheep into the fold by the Prince of Nightmares, and was now positioned to head exactly where they wanted me. Dawnstar. Unless-

Unless what? You want to contradict yourself at the risk of coming off as the liar you've become? I cringed inwardly at the harshness of my own thoughts, but I knew there was no way I could come up with a good enough explanation for not wanting to head to the nearest sign of civilization in this barren, snowy wilderness. Maybe you can still avoid it. Avoid her.

Or you could confront her, too. Your ancestor did mention that was an option. Possibly an option that will end in death, but really, would that be so terrible? As soon as that thought surfaced in my mind I did my utmost to cast it out, nevertheless loathing how appealing it had been for the briefest of moments.

"Helvia?" Adir's voice cut through my darker thoughts abruptly, a hint of concern audible in his voice.

"Sorry, what did you need?" I replied, my attempt at a pleasant tone coming out noticeably forced.

The redguard raised a brow slightly before he answered my query. "I was just saying that, if you're able, I'd appreciate it if you carried your own belongings the remainder of the distance to Dawnstar, and perhaps a little extra if you can."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I can do that," I got to my feet as quickly as my protesting spine would allow, knowing that I had likely bruised it in my fall and that the remainder of our travels that day were going to be even more unpleasant than anticipated.

I felt eyes on my back as I moved towards the cart, making it seem as if the other two were almost hesitant to be too close to me yet didn't trust me enough to tend to my own affairs. As if I'm just going to snap out of the blue. A slight bit of resentment at this sort of pity bubbled up within my chest, but I suppressed it, attempting to focus solely on getting my things together. Besides, I don't actually know if I will or not. Gods.

I found my knapsack still within the cart, wedged under one of the seats and practically crushed under one of the scavenged dragon bones. I almost shuddered to think of the books that were still within the bag, but the condition of those that had fallen out was considerably worse, not to mention the provisions I'd stored within it that now lay strewn about the wooden floor were now as good as inedible. I scrambled to stuff the loose books back into the bag, doing a quick inventory of my belongings as I realized I was missing one very important item - Mél's journal.   

Oh, no. Not this, on top of everything else. Please, please tell me it's with Nightbrook's old stuff– A newfound panic grew within me as I looked around for the darkly colored satchel, tearing past any loose miscellanea that got in the way of my frenzied searching. I soon had even more reason to be concerned, as I found my friend's belongings were nowhere to be found within the wooden cart, either. I turned away from the wreckage, anxiously backtracking and following the scattered bits and pieces of what seemed a thankfully small amount of our inventory.

By the grace of the gods, I found the dark, incredibly weathered satchel still in one piece several yards away from where the cart now lay, half-buried in a very loosely packed drift of snow but appearing unharmed, if not somewhat damp. I pulled it upwards with such force I nearly lost my balance, undoing the leather straps that held it together with unsteady fingers. Nothing seemed to be much out of place, and none of the potentially precious elixirs within it had broken during the turbulence. But the journal wasn't there, either.

It has to be here somewhere. There's no way I lost it this easily!

And so I continued my search, setting both satchel and knapsack aside as I headed back to the cart, where Adir and Kha'Drazza were now only starting to salvage their belongings. Again, I found nothing, and even as I searched the surrounding area in a frenzy, unshed tears of frustration and grief burning my eyes and distorting my vision, Mél's journal was nowhere to be found. Significantly distraught, I even considered digging to see if it had somehow gotten buried under previous snowfall, but dismissed the thought as I caught the dagi-raht looking my way.

Even though I felt as if I was missing a piece of myself I'd only just gained, I forced myself to stand, taking a deep breath before walking back over to pick up my bags and wait for the others as passively as I could. Further search would likely be futile, and I didn't feel like telling either of my companions more about myself than I already had should I let something slip that didn't add up with my current story.

I had lost Nightbrook, and now, I had as good as lost Mél – my near only connection to happier times and dear friends long since departed. With it gone, I wondered how much more I had left to lose.

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Alternate title for this chapter was "Helvia Fucks up Repeatedly and Generally has a Bad Time".  But sometimes things have to get a whole lot worse for somebody before they get better. Sometimes.

I know it's been a while since I updated. A simple 'sorry' really doesn't cut it at this point. For those of you that may or may not show up when this is posted, thank you. Thank you for staying, even though I take abysmally longer than I should to write new chapters for this work. It means the world to me that people enjoy my writing enough to stick around, and because of you all, I promise that I'm not going to stop updating until this story is over. It may take me years, but I'm going to finish what I started.

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QUESTIONS:

Question (From BlackTintsMyWorld for Helgír): What are you doing now? how far are you through your grand quest?

Answer (By Helgír): I appreciate your interest. Currently, I'm headed back to Riverwood to find whomever it was that stole Jurgen Windcaller's horn and has requested to meet me. The whole thing reeks of bad intentions, but I suppose I shall see in due time.

Question (From PaddingPaws for Nocturnal): Nocturnal; How can I join your ranks?

Answer (By Nocturnal): Wire all the money in your bank account to that one Nigerian prince who keeps emailing you, he's legit. After you... 'sponsor' him I'll consider returning the favor.

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If anyone has any more questions for anyone in Mage, feel free to ask them! If they've appeared in Mage at all, regardless of how long they were a part of the story, they're open to ask questions!

Well, as always, please do leave a vote and/or comment if you enjoyed the chapter, and see you next time! Good adventuring, dear readers!

-AA