I have never been so nervous in my life. I have changed my outfit five times, hated every look, gotten into my pyjamas and pathetically thrown myself into bed. Then I yanked the duvet back again, had a stern word with myself, and gotten ready once more.

You know what makes this even more awkward? Ollie is currently downstairs, tapping on the computer, working. I have no easy way to cover my anxiety or mask my feelings. I can't bail just because I'm nervous and I can't make up a family emergency to break me free. He'll know.

It's dystopian. I'm going on a date with my fake date who I actually like, and I can't even tell him it's my first ever date because I'm twenty-five. It's embarrassing to admit that no man has ever wanted to take me on dates, not even the one I was with for years.

I'm looking at myself in the mirror, picking out all my flaws, when there's a light tap on the door that makes me jump. Ollie is stood in the doorway, looking at me like he can read me. His arms are clinging to the top of the door frame, his happy trail on show.

Unapologetically, I stare at him in all his glory.

It takes my breath away, makes my heart pound. It's like trying to look at the sun, I want to but it's blinding. My knees feel weak, like if I took a step towards him I would collapse into a heap on the floor.

I never knew it was possible for another person to make you feel like this.

His eyes dance across my face and down my body, then he catches my eyes again. "You don't want to go?"

"What?" I croak.

"The date. You don't want to go?"

"I do!" My voice is too shrill, it sounds like a lie.

He releases his arms, crossing them to his chest and rests his shoulder against the frame. "I'm a big boy, Sinead."

My eyes widen, imagining exactly where else he might be big.

Gutter. I'm so deep in the gutter I'm a swamp creature. I'm worse than a swamp creature. I'm a sewer rat.

I try and gather what little dignity I have and wrap it around me like a blanket, before I say, "I really do. I just haven't done this before."

Ollie frowns. "Done what before?"

"This." I gesture between the two of us. "Go on a date."

He's confused. "But you had a long-term boyfriend?"

"Yeah," I reply, a bit sarcastically. "Who thought sitting in the same room as me whilst he played video games was quality time well spent."

Ollie's face goes blank, almost angry. "I will never understand how he got a girl like you."

In my heart, a bunch of gymnasts are doing backflips and cheering, but I keep my face neutral.

"Why don't we stay in?" He questions. "Make it less formal? Dan and Nimah are at her parents, it's just us. We could order takeout or I could cook you my world famous chicken and mushroom pasta?"

Somehow, that feels like an even worse idea - way more intimate and scary, like watching him cook will be the brink of no return.

So, why on God's green planet, do I find myself saying, "I would love that."

"Good," Ollie grins, "Then put your weird cat pyjama's on and come downstairs."

I'm jokingly outraged. "They're not weird!"

He laughs, "They are weird. In fact they're a clear indicator for the kind of boyfriends you've had. You became a cat lady in your twenties, I shouldn't be surprised when you tell me what a shit Paddy is."

It's my turn to laugh. "I don't know if you're insulting me or insulting Paddy?"

"Both." Ollie says with a wink, before he retreats down the hall and shouting over his shoulder, "But apparently when it comes to you, I'm attracted to it anyway."

I giggle to myself as I change into my pajamas per his request, I'm a ball of anxious and excited energy. I fix my hair and makeup, try and make my shorts a little shorter to show off my legs.

It's been a long time since I got the warm fuzzies, and now they're here I never want them to leave.

"Sinead." My name—out of Ollie's mouth—snaps me into the now. "You took ages to come down."

Blinking a couple of times, I ogle him. He's standing in front of the oven with his back to me, wearing a figure hugging white t-shirt and grey joggers, looking relaxed and beautiful. His hair reaches the nape of his neck, a strong looking neck with tanned skin, all smooth and beautiful.

"Sorry," I say, venturing further into the room. "I wanted to look my best."

Ollie doesn't turn around as he stirs something, but I see him shrug. "You always look good, even when you first wake up with crust in your eyes."

I ignore the compliment because I don't know what to do with it. Instead, I say, "It smells amazing in here."

The table has been laid beautifully. My mouth salivates as I'm drawn closer in, looking at it everything in awe. The most exoctic looking salad sits in the middle, a plate of multiple different grated cheeses to the right, and a homemade garlic bread that is so intricate it's almost a work of art is sat to the left.

"You made all this today?"

"Yeah," Ollie says, his voice suddenly a lot closer, causing me to look up. He's at the table, and places two plates down. I glance at the most amazing pasta I have ever seen, restaurant worthy, if I'm completely honest.

Ollie looks back up at me. "I've made it all in the last half an hour or so. Sit. Let's eat before it all gets cold."

Before I can move, he walks around the table and pulls out my chair, gently guiding me into it. My mouth opens and closes. I'm stunned into silence, nerves from earlier make me want to bolt.

Maybe this is a mistake. In just over a week the wedding will be over and we will go back to our lives. All this will be forgotten. I don't know how I can go back to that life of solitude knowing something like this, the potential of this, is real.

"Sinead?" Ollie says, looking at me so sweetly, his voice tender. "Do you want to eat?"

My breath feels like it's stuck in my chest, my cheeks flush, and suddenly the room is warm enough to bring on a sweat. I realise I can never say no to him. I'll never be able to resist him.

It's a terrifying thought because really, I don't know this man. I've just met him. No one should have that kind of power over someone, especially not a stranger.

I force my lips into a smile, "Of course I want to eat. It looks glorious."

His face transforms from concern to pure happiness. His smile slides right into my heart, like a letter in an envelope I never want to open. I break into the garlic bread and stuff a bit into my mouth, then let out a gentle moan.

Out loud. So he can hear me.

Mortifying.

"Good?" He asks, but there isn't a single trace of nervousness in his voice.

"You know it's good!" I say. "It's incredible."

"Like you." He says, his voice serious.

His gaze catches mine, only for a moment and my body floods with emotion. How is it possible to be so conflicted all the time? Hesitant but eager, happy but sad, nervous but relaxed, confident but shy. I'll simply combust if it continues for much longer.

He smiles, so big, happy, and completely irresistible. How can anyone walk away from a smile like that?

"So, why haven't you dated?" he asks, offering me the salad.

I serve myself a big spoonful. "Because no one has wanted to date me."

"I don't believe that."

"Humour me then, why haven't I dated?"

He slows his chewing and gives me a shrewd look. "Paddy hurt you so deeply you've been avoiding dating, but it's easier to say that no one wants you rather than admit you're too scared to be hurt again."

This isn't exactly the flirty dinner conversation I was expecting, then again, I've never been one for small talk. Knowing how someone works, letting them see me at my most vulnerable, that's what I enjoy... and that's why I avoid talking to anyone or going on dates.

I reach for the garlic bread again, mostly for something to do that doesn't include looking at Ollie's lovely face. "Fine, you've caught me. I've made myself a recluse on purpose. What's your excuse? Why are you single?"

He's silent as we look at each other. Something tells me it's hard for him to talk about. "My ex was extremely jealous, very controlling. I wasn't allowed to see my family or friends, couldn't ever speak to another woman without getting accused of all sorts. I had to be home at a certain time, always keep my location on. Text back straight away, even if I was in court. She would lie to me and then convince me it was in my head, make me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough. It was a nightmare. I was broken when it ended. I just couldn't bring myself to get that involved with someone again."

"Ollie..." My heart breaks for him. "That's horrible, I'm sorry."

He shrugs, "It's over now. I went to therapy. I dealt with it all. I don't think she even knew she was doing it half the time. You know, she wasn't a bad person. She was insecure and traumatised. She had a really hard life and men always treated her like nothing more than a pretty face. I thought I could save her. Help her. But some people don't want to be helped."

I reach across the table and brush my hand with his, "Thank you for feeling safe enough to tell me that."

He looks up at me, "Thank you for listening."

A warm moment passes between us, then it fades, and I know I need to change the subject. "So, tell me, how did you and Dan meet?"

Ollie laughs abruptly, almost choking on a bit of pasta. "Oh no, that isn't a dinner date topic."

"What? Why not?" I lower my voice, humour filling it. "Is it dark and seedy?"

"Sort of." He saddles up in his seat, "Okay. Brace yourself."

I dramatically wiggle in my seat. "I am braced."

"It was Freshman year."

"Where all good stories start."

"Are you going to let me tell it, or?"

"Sorry," I wave my hand. "Go ahead."

"We were at some afters and there was a girl behind me on a sofa. She was, er, getting frisky. In fact, everyone in the house was, every room was taken. So, I was holed up on the living room floor. The girl on the sofa was getting on with some guy she just bought back."

"Delightful. What's Freshers week without a giant orgy?"

Ollie continues. "Anyway, I was the only one not getting it on because I had just met my ex and was really into her. I was watching Howls Moving Castle - it was the only film that was on at 3AM. In came this guy, who sat next to me and started relaying all these crazy facts about the film we were watching. All the while the girl behind us started progressing from light moans into full pornstar."

"What? With you in the room?"

He's animated as he talks. Happy. It makes me happy too. "At this point we're not only in the room, but we're at the foot of the sofa where she's getting it on. Dan then has enough, and, like, calls them out - tells them they're ruining the film with their over-the-top pornstar act. It was so funny, I couldn't breathe." He shrugs, shoving a forkful of food in his mouth. "We stuck together everyday after that."

"I can see why."

"What about you and Nimah?" He asks, giving me a smirk.

I beam. "It's a lot less fruitful. We went to nursery together. She said she liked the clips in my hair and that was it. We were inseparable."

"You're right," He says, "It's not as fruitful, but it's still nice. Since they're our oldest and best friends, let's make a pact then."

"Another pact?"

He nods. "We are the defenders of this wedding. Together, we will make sure nothing goes wrong."

I raise my glass to his, "That's a pact I can get on board with."

Ollie grins at me, "I'd board anything with you."

My heart does a silly little cartwheel and I let the sweet wine pass through my lips as I look away.

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