Paaw Jai (พอใจ, - enough heart)

To please, to satisfy.

Chapter Twelve

- A year earlier

Jealous anger had taken control of me. Right now, the realization that preoccupied my thoughts produced a wrath completely unwarranted. Ben was trying to make light of the situation. He was trying to get me to cool down and recognize that it wasn't serious. It magnified my fury.

Later,when he approached me, he wanted to make amends. I choked and couldn't respond. I was angry at myself, not him. He viewed my silence as a continuation of my irritation. That resulted in him apologizing and assuming divorce was a forgone conclusion. His eyes spoke that he wanted to hug me, but I could not move. Guilt had me paralyzed. He promised never to hurt me, but I devastated him in a few minutes,

His commander called saying Ben had resigned his commission. There was no forwarding address. Mike was pronounced as winner of the fight, by a no show. No one had seen him, or knew what happened.

My mother, father and daughter were furious at me. There was no excuse for my reactions. Returning home from work found Lilly still crying. Her Daddy was gone. I told him to get out and never come back. It appears that is what he did.

I had written General Robert Olander to establish if he or Malsa had seen or heard from him. Their return letter indicated they had no idea where he was.

Days turned into weeks. Six months had passed when Ben's former commander called and claimed an intelligence agent had dropped by asking about a Marine First Lieutenant Benjamin D. Crossman. Evidently Ben's Marine commander had requested a security clearance follow up. However, the representative did not disclose where Ben was stationed. The commander told me that meant Ben probably was in Southeast Asia, most likely Vietnam. The security clearance possibly meant he was in an unknown or secret area.

Mike wrote me, on Malsa's behalf, that Ben had visited him in the Philippines. He apologized to him for missing the fight. He was on his way to Vietnam and that he was a Marine Officer. With sadness in his eyes Mike reported, "Ben said, Angie kicked me out!" Additionally, he added that Ben encompassed a haunting stare that he could care less if he died. There was a sadness about him comparable to a life that has no meaning. My chest ached and a constricted throat plagued me. I could not focus on my job. I acquired no strength. My thoughts were muddy, and sleep avoided me. Wanting to hide governed my actions.

A letter arrived from Mike stating that Ben was near the point of death. He was at Clark AFB Military Hospital. He was out of it most of the time, but had a few coherent moments every now and then.

I obtained an emergency leave. Lilly accompanied me on a hop to Clark AFB. Mike met us as the plane arrived. He drove to the hospital. Mike said the doctors do not give him much hope.

His room had three other wounded men in it. Ben was the worse. The nurse warned me that most of what he said was rumbling and did not make much sense. The doctors remove a dozen bullets from his body and two from his head. Furthermore, he mentioned my name, Angie, often. I went to him and held his hand saying, "Ben this is Angie."

"Angie hates me. Angie told me to leave and to never come back."

Mike said, "He is not aware of what he is saying. What is said comes involuntarily from his subconscious."

Ben continued, "Angie threw me out, and there is no family for me."

"Ben, we love you, your family is here."

"Angie made me leave. I love Angie. If I die, no one will care. No one loves me."

Lilly had been downstairs. Suddenly she burst into the room, put her hands around his neck, and said, "Daddy I love you. Me, Mommy, Granny and Pappy love you. Please wake up Daddy. Come home Daddy." She planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

Ben opened his blurry eyes, taking a moment to adjust to the lights in the room. He was sad, and revealed, "I was dreaming about you two. You were telling me that you love me, and wanted me to come home, but the realization is not true. No one wants me. I was expelled from the only home I ever knew. My days have been filled with a series of kicks in the gut, one after another. I honestly do not care if death takes me. Hope of being loved is not in my future."

With tears falling down his face, he softly continued, "My dreams have never come true."

Lilly responded, "Daddy, we do love and miss you. Everyone wants you home." Lilly kissed him again on the cheek.

I said, "Lilly is right. We all want you to come home. Please forgive me for being a fool."

He gawked at me, and announced, "I'm the fool. It pains me to admit my love for you was a façade, it was never real. You divorced me quicker than a snap of a thumb and finger."

"There was no divorce. We are still married. I must have given you the wrong impression. I am sorry."

I can't believe what I was hearing, there was pure sound of revulsion spewing from his words, "You did not want me."

"Both of us were charged with negative reactions. Let us avoid those bad things, in the future."

"Do we have a future? I was convinced that you never wanted to see me."

With a grim appearance, I pleaded, "Please forgive me. I made a terrible mistake. I do love you, and want us to be together as a family. We want you with all of our hearts."

Ben yelled, "No, it is impossible for me to absolve the person who stomped on me. The only reason anyone is here stems from pity, because I'm dying. There has never been any love in your heart, otherwise it would not have been so easy to throw me into the garbage like a toy in which there is no attraction."

He went on, "Playing with me was a pastime until there was something more appealing. The period away from Lackland has given me time to think. If there had been the least bit of feeling, kicking me out of the house could not have been so simple. Why was I so blind? Going into the Marines was a good distraction. The likelihood of being killed was easier than committing suicide. Looks like that may happen."

He screamed louder, "My love went out to the woman named Angie, a caring human being that does not exist. Jealousy was a groundless excuse. Malsa was an old memory. The feelings I had for her faded long ago. As you made clear to me, now is my time to say, get out and don't come back."

He did not die. His anger toward me gave him the energy to recover. The nurses were instructed by him not to let me visit.

The physical therapy session began with him barely walking while using a walker. Seven days later, discovered him quick stepping with a cane and walking up and down stairs holding onto the rail.

Two weeks later found him jogging thirty minutes twice a day. As twenty days came to pass, his run was increased to an hour before breakfast and after supper He displayed his ability to workout in MDCC for an hour a day. In addition, Ben did fifty sit-ups and fifty chin ups daily. He shared his desire to return to the Air Force, but liked the guys in his platoon.

Finally, the twenty-seventh day offered him the opportunity to run two hours early in the morning and practice MDCC two hours each evening. Also, he accomplished his goal of doing one hundred pull ups and one hundred sit-ups before lunch. His physique resumed, and his speed to with which he performed MDCC was restored. The muscular tone permitted the bullet holes to fade that had marked him. Ben was one powerful and fast man.

He avoided me like I had a contagious disease. The times when he could not dodge me became almost laughable. He would make a gross shrieking sound and walk away. Frustration drove me insane. Ultimately, my leave was ending. I cornered him and declared, "I'm leaving. I have to return to my job. Lilly and I love you, but you have worn us to a frazzle."

Fear did not trouble him, nor anger rouse Ben's demeanor. Maybe it was a I could care less glare. Physically, he was at his peak. There were no goodbyes. He maintained that vacant stare.

Lilly and my parents held me responsible for Ben not returning. In a way, they were correct since the inception of the split tumbles on me. I was hoping to repair our relationship. His whole life had been one rejection after another. Mine was the one that shattered his heart. He will probably never be able to have another close relationship again.

Malsa wrote me that Ben was reinstated in the United States Air Force. He received his pilot certification, and was promoted to major. Additionally, Chiang Mai, Thailand turned out to be his next station.

The letter proclaimed, in a special recognition service, Ben received the Navy Cross for heroism while under fire. He was also presented the Purple Heart for sustaining wounds while in battle. The Thai government decreed him, "A Son of Thailand." He received dual Thai citizenship and public recognition for assisting in the liberation of several Thai women.

Happiness swelled my appreciation for him. I view him as a great man. Regretting the ruin committed by my unwise deed will bother me the rest of my life. Not to feel his touch or experience his kisses makes me miserable.