In some of his early days, Jungkook felt like nothing's ever changed. That he would always be stuck here, staying in the same place and the same body as where Lalisa left him. He felt like he has let time slip through his fingertips too many times and he's gotten so sick of the loneliness he felt deep within, that he can't even get out of bed. 

In those awful moments where he finds himself missing her so much, he would feel like he can't breathe. As if there are multiple hands clenched around his chest, squeezing his heart out relentlessly. His pulse would feel so delicate in the midst of that painful thrill, and he had to constantly cling to her words to swim himself out of that ocean.

On his 'better' days, he's fully aware why he had to let her go this time. He knows that it was childish of him to think that he's able to keep her here...to think that he could take care of her. She was never an ordinary bird all along...and she was never meant for any cages. It always leaves him sighing contently and after a while, Jungkook's beginning to get used to this.

Like tides, these feelings rise and recede naturally. And like Lalisa said, Jungkook is a 'nice boy'...and he's perfectly suited to appearing so relaxed, so dependable, and so good-humored. So these days, no matter how much he misses her and how deep the water is, no one could have guessed what plays on his mind. No one...except Jisoo maybe.

"How bad is it today?" She asked after placing an orange juice in front of him.

She had brought Ji-yoon out of Heulg (finally!) and have filed for her divorce 2 weeks ago. This house brings so much memories but Jungkook is still not strong enough to visit Lalisa's room. 

"Ahh..." He rubs his (non-sweaty) palms across his khakis. "Ji-yoon's starting school next week, right? Do you need anything? Color pencils...water bottle -"

"Don't change the fucking subject, Kook," Her stern southernness remains, despite the fact that she has lived here for a month and a half. "I can tell you're a mess - you fucking look like it!"

"Noona..." He chuckled. "You don't want Ji-yoon to use that language in school - she'll stand out too much,"

"She's a warrior, unlike her mother. I'm not worried," Jisoo answered proudly. "Now tell me, how bad?"

Jungkook sighed. "I woke up half past 11 today...with a headache...but it's the heart that hurts the most," It's slowly starting to feel like an old life, his memories with Lalisa. "I remember her in pieces...and in my dreams, I have places that we've never even been to - like a far-distant possibility that's never going to happen,"

"Corny,"

"You asked!" He grins.

"Are there still no news from her?"

He nods slowly, pursing his lips. Jungkook has only ever received 2 'news' from Lalisa...the first was 2 days after she left. She mentioned that she's using Bam's phone and updated him on how she got to the centre safely. He responded with 'That's good to hear, Lisa. I hope they gave you something to eat. I miss you.' but she didn't reply.

The second was 3 days after the first (using the same number), telling him about her too-white-of-a-room and the 'boring' group talks she had to attend - saying that the people there talks so much that they must've learned from the 'clichés'. He laughed before replying with 'Do they not allow you to have a phone of your own? You can talk to me if it gets too boring. You know I'd love nothing more than to hear your voice', but again, nothing back from her. He knew it thrilled her to leave him hanging like this but -

"How can she be fine not talking to me that quick?? It's almost 2 months now! So what - she sent me 2 texts with no replies and she's moved on?? She said that wasn't our last kiss and she promised that she'll think of me!" He finally breaks. All those unanswered texts sent to Bam too - I swear I could really hurt him if I ever see him again! "Is it so hard to just let me know that she's alive, at least?!"

"Wow...you were doing great at hiding it before, huh?" Jisoo chuckled. "I'm not sure who needs more therapy now - you or her!"

"This is not a laughing matter, noona! I mean, here I am - going crazy for keeping my mouth shut so I don't appear so pathetic in front of everyone...while she's probably there finding her soulmate - someone who's just like her!"

"Damn, that can't be good," Jisoo frowned and he halts the emotional pacing of back and forth - thinking that (finally,) someone understands the misery he's been dealing with. "Imagine...two crazy soulmates burning Elandrew down in the snow,"

This woman - I swear - "I'm glad my suffering is entertaining you, noona. I really am -"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, have some fucking faith, will you??" Jisoo laughs out loud. "Where's that funny bones of yours -"

"I don't know - it probably went on the flight along with her!" He sulks, being on the verge of crying (again).

"Aww...come on!" Jisoo stands up and gestures him to follow behind. "I know what you need," She starts climbing the stairs and he begins to panic.

"Noona, I...I can't,"

"Don't be a wuss, Kook! I'm not gonna seduce you into bed, if that's what you're thinking!"

Jungkook rolls his eyes. "I know that!"

"Then man the fuck up and let's go!!" 

He hesitated but since Jisoo didn't stop and turned back around, he (still hesitantly) makes his way up the staircase. Much different than how it was before, the walls are now decorated with pictures of Jisoo and little Ji-yoon. Some just the two of them, while some with people he didn't know. He stopped when he found one of the woman with Jennie and - my Lalisa!

She is leaning on her Ducati while the two stands by each of her sides. It's probably a theme of the picture since none of them are smiling - looking like a little mafia clan from their heavy gazes and tipped up chins. My little monster...have you left me behind again?

"Noona," He called but not taking his eyes off from his girl. "Can you lend me this picture?"

"Lend you?"

He turns to Jisoo and with a sad smile, he says, "I never have a picture with her...of her. I just wanna scan it..." Maybe put it in my wallet so I can feel her around me wherever I go! 

"Corny. Whatever!" Jisoo hissed and he can't help but feel a little warm in his chest. "Here," 

She opens the door to what used to be Lalisa's room. The room where they have spent their last night here together. Jungkook stood by the doorway, scanning the space that he seemed to not mind much before. Her bed was still the same - with 3 neatly stacked pillows and its folded duvet. He wonders if it still holds the scent of her...but,

The rest of the room is a mess. Her bedside table looked like it's almost broken apart, lying on the carpet. And the carpet...is scattered with bits and pieces of what he can't make out of. Parts of the large wardrobe is already smashed and splintered. There are a few unrecognized fabric-looking pieces severed on the floor as well.

"What the..." His wide eyes are searching for answers.

"She said that whenever I feel angry and needed to blow off steam, I can thrash around this room and everything in it. I figured I'd leave the bed to you," Jisoo smirked proudly.

"She..." Did she see this coming? Me, being here, complaining about getting left behind? She did, didn't she?

"Choose whatever weapons you like...and take your time, Jungkook-ssi. By all means, go crazy!"

"Noona," He stopped Jisoo just when the girl is about to close the door. "You said before...that if Lisa didn't show up, it's cus she doesn't want to," He saw the sympathetic frown across her eyebrows. "That applies, right?"

. . .

This is probably the first time Jungkook has ever cried with all of his sorrowful might. Multiple screams and shouts have escaped along every single frustrated, shallow breaths...and his eyes are probably already red due to the seemingly-never-ending waterworks.

You really broke my heart...from the moment I met you, you've done nothing but breaking my heart! You're not even here and you're still breaking me apart! I keep thinking that our story isn't over yet - that we'll meet again and we'll finally get it right - God, I'm so stupid!! What the hell am I to you, Lalisa-ssi?! 

Why did you have to take me in...why did you ask me to be next to you that night? Why did you say that you'll run to me if you're not even gonna answer me?? And why - why did you say that wasn't our last kiss? I could've - I could've kissed you longer...I could've prepared myself - convinced you of my love at least! Why do you keep doing this to me...

He slumped himself by the bed, sobbing as hard as the storm ravaging in his mind. The pillows and duvet is laying lifeless on the floor carpet, and the skirt of the bed is already torn apart. In his state of deep anger earlier, Jungkook managed to lift the vanity chair and smashed it repeatedly on the mattress. It did not accomplish much, unfortunately, so he used it to break the  bed frame instead. Her bed is now tilted, as a result of his despair. 

You always come and go as you please...and like a fool, I keep letting you. I asked for nothing...not much but your time...and even that, you dismissed me like I'm nothing! 

"You have all the time in the world, Jungkook-ssi...so go break some hearts -" He recalled her words to him before he lets her go. 

Is that what you really wanted all along? You wanted me to move on? Be with someone else - someone 'normal'?? How...how could you ask me to do that - after everything...is that what I deserve?!

He got up abruptly. The tightness in his chest is still being merciless, so he rushed to grab the scissors left on the vanity desk and starts attacking the pillows - one to the other - stabbing and tearing it open until its feathers burst out all around him...just like the unattended pain in flesh. 

I'd go anywhere for you - black and blue - there's nothing I wouldn't do for you!! I'd go to the ends of the world if I could and this is what you gave me?! 

"You don't get any rewinds...and change will come, even if you're standing still," There's that voice again - oh, what I'd do to get rid of your voice right now!!

That's a warning, isn't it?? The change...it was you! You knew you'd change your mind - you're always so quick to change your mind - every single time...every, single, time! 

He fell on his knees once again when there are no more pillows to kill. Every inch of his muscles is starting to mimic the agony in his chest. The air is as still as before, bearing witness to his constant, pleading cries. And his still-tearful eyes are beginning to feel weak and tired, so he lets his whole body fall on the floor. 

Time doesn't seem to exist in this room. No one's asking him to slow down and fasten his pace. Allowing himself to embrace the silence around him after the tears has dried itself off, he began to realize that this is what comes...'after Lalisa'. Stillness...unless I move.

Every broken pieces constructed by his hands are proof that none of us were angels to begin with...and with the right kind of 'push', I can be as mad as her too. Probably not as determined...but definitely a little guilty...and tired even...like her too. He wanted to taste the sun, and now I'm burned to the ground.

"Promise me that you won't stop searching. For what it is you're looking for...what's right or wrong...and what's out there,"

I made a promise to you...because you made a promise to me too. And you always keep to your promises...right, Lalisa-ssi? With that simple thought in mind, Jungkook forced himself to move.

. . .

He placed his borrowed 'To Kill a Mockingbird' book aside and watches the autumn leaves flow along the peaceful waters. The birds are still singing the same melody every time he's here, though he doubt that they're the same ones he's met on his first ever visit. A year has passed, but he can still hear their conversation clearly by Gyeonggu River, right where he sits now. 

Beside him, Ji-yoon is focused on her 'Colouring Animals' book...while 7 feet away from them, her mother is chatting with Jin. Taehyung is standing awkwardly rigid, laughing along with whatever Jennie and Chaeyoung is already laughing about. 

Jaehyun, Yugyeom and Eun-Woo has taken the serious role of grilling the meat on their barbecue pit, and for a second there, Jungkook accepts the melancholic feelings resulted from this picture painted before him. Her friends...and my friends...

They're meeting quite often now, he realized. It's almost like a normal, weekly thing for them - to meet somewhere, be it over coffee or a picnic...catching up and sharing thoughts without any filters what-so-ever. Lalisa's 'unnies' are never stingy with their cussing still, and he often laughs at how his friends have adapted to it. 

Some days, he'd even invite Namjoon and Jackson to hang around together...just like today. The two probably took their time on getting ready and is probably on their way, knowing how 'chill' they are. Jackson will probably annoy Chaeyoung a lot with his super-random nicknames for the girl later, but Jungkook's not worried...

No, he's quite at peace with where he is now...with this mixed crowd that's still seem a little tough to take in by the 'clichés'. Jungkook has already spent half a year with the punching bag he bought after that 'thrashing' day in Lalisa's bedroom, and now it felt more of a routine rather than a piece of crazy absorbent. He has the muscles to prove it too!

"Oppa...spell 'bird' for me," Ji-yoon suddenly said. 

L. A. L. I. S. A. He laughs to himself at the thought. "B, I, R, D,"

"Correct! You're as smart as me, oppa!" 

Cute! "Oh, I don't know...I may not have the answers for a lot of things, Ji-yoon. You're probably smarter than me!"

"But you're bigger than me, you must know more! What don't you know?"

Ahh...well, I don't know how my little monster is...or where she is. I don't know when I'll see her again, or if I'll ever see her again. I don't know how long I'll keep seeing...feeling her around...in my thoughts...or the places we'd been. I don't know if it'll ever disappear. If there's even a day that'll go by without me having any fragments of her in my heart. 

"Do you know what a sloth is, Ji-yoon?" He asked, wrapped in his own amusement. 

The little girl looks up to the sky, as if she's thinking about it. "It's like a monkey, right? With long hands and long legs...do they have claws?"

"Yes, they do - and they're very slow too!" He grins. "Do you know that after a female sloth gives birth to a baby, she doesn't leave it for around 6 months?"

"6 months?? That's quite short, oppa. Eomma hasn't left me for 6 years now!"

He can't help but laugh when Ji-yoon sulked. "My eomma hasn't left me for 21 years -"

"21?? Oppa...I feel sad for you,"

Aishh - "I'm not. She'll probably stay with me forever...and your eomma will too - it's just in our nature to care so much for what we love, right?" The girl thought about it before nodding. "We still hold the record for the most loving, caring being in the world...well, most of us anyway! But in the animal kingdom, not that many would stay and nurture its baby for long. I think the longest are the Aulandian Elephants...they nurse their babies up to six years,"

"Woahh...that's longer than slophs!"

"Right??" Jungkook didn't feel the need to correct her pronunciation, so he just laughs again. "Ji-yoon...you love that bunny a lot, don't you?" He points to the soft purple, animal plushy next to her - the one she's always carrying around. 

"Her name is Kim Turtle," Ji-yoon nods.

That's...I mean, who am I to argue? "Do you think you'll still love Kim Turtle 6 months from now? Or maybe 6 years?"

Maybe it's a hard question for a 6-year-old, since it took quite a minute for Ji-yoon to think about it. When she seems to have found the answer, it came out sounding like a surprise to his conscious. 

"Oppa...eomma said you always misses Lisa unnie a lot. Do you love her a lot too?" 

His eyes widened for a second, and then he sighed. "Yes...I love her a lot," His voice cracked (just a little).

"Do you know if she loves you a lot too?"

"I don't know...maybe a little. I don't know if she loves me now,"

She nods again, slowly this time. "Kim Turtle is cute and pretty...so I know she loves me too. I let eomma wash her every week so that she knows I love her. She knows that if she's stinky and dirty, I'll think that she doesn't love me back. She needs to keep herself cute and pretty so that I can always love her, oppa,"

Heh...what an odd child! Odd...but smart. 

"Eomma said unnie went far away to get better. Maybe prettier. What if she gets prettier for you? What if she gets prettier so you can know that she loves you a lot too? She'll be so sad if you don't love her anymore...maybe," 

Heck - I should really ask noona where she learns all this from! "Sad, huh?"

"Yeap! I know I'll be sad if Kim Turtle doesn't love me anymore...oppa - look!!" She suddenly points out towards the river. Far ahead, a bird landed on the calm, streaming water - oblivious to its spectators. "I wonder if it's warm or cold...it looks nice to swim in, isn't it oppa?"

Yes... "It does..." I wondered it too... "Say...why don't we test it ourselves?" 

. . .