What could have been, what should have been, and what is.

Hours passed, the clock ticked and rocked as reality was disappearing. She replayed her best friend slowly be buried beneath the grass in her mind again and again. Her hand longed to touch him, even though she knew it was no use. No matter how hard she shook him he wouldn't ever open his eyes again. Frustration built up in her chest and her knuckles turned white from clenching them. She wanted to punch something, anything. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair at all. Her best friend had been perfectly healthy, how could this happen? She remembered her last words to him at his grave, as tears streamed down.

"I am so sorry... "

She had tried to help him. She tried, but the family refused to pay for his recovery. They didn't care, they said it was his "time. " how did that even make sense? the words burned in the back of her mind, "There's no point, I'm not paying for it. Let him die. " it tore at her chest, making her want to scream. She remembered his lifeless eyes staring at her own as she held him for the last time. Her best friend, her family, was gone, and she would never see him again. She couldn't help him. She wanted to so badly, but she had nothing she could do on her own. nothing. And now she could change nothing. She could wish for the rest of her life for something different but it would never change. Her best friend was dead.

Before we part now,  and truly let go.  My love I'm lost in the maze of my heart you left me cold.  Stereo,  Now turned to solo.  Our paths are changing directions.  Tell me fate if this is it for me then this is my,  my last letter.  All the words within,  I wrote again reaching out to you,  these feelings do you even know. So many to let go. Unpuzzle my leggo, strayed to far from the place we were,  a place we can't return to. So be it don't cry,  imma let you go and fly.

She watched the time go by on her phone, ignoring texts and calls she got as she cried to herself behind the bathroom door, where she had locked herself in.  Where she knew no one could bother her. Her sobbing had finally subsided, now left with an empty feeling in her. All she could think about was him. Memories with him. The events that played through the day.

She remembered how they used to play in the cabinets together when they were small, often ending up with one of them hurt... She remembered the time she was in the dark outside and alone and he came to find her and made her feel safe until they returned home. She remembered how he would always give her the cutest smile when he wanted something. He was such a cheeky person... But he was perfect to her. She couldn't have had a better friend. He was always there for her. Even when she would push him away we would stay by her side. Silently, he would hug her until she felt better. He was always silent, after all, he was a mute, but that didn't stop them. It never did and never would have.

"I love you... I love you, I am so sorry.. " she whispered, holding  her head in her hands as she let out uncontrolled sobs. "why did you leave me.. No No No, Come back, please, I beg you. don't leave me too. "

And as the day drag on I'm only keeping myself busy, trying hard to fill the void by filling up my schedule,  I can never seem to forget you,  burned into my mind you were like a tattoo.  Although I know we can't return to those days, if I could only go and call your name.  No, but I'm fine with taking all the blame.  

If it's really time to say goodbye...

"Why are you so upset? He doesn't matter. "

"You cared too much about him. "

"He would have died anyway. "

Some would even take it as far as joking about my other friends dying, and it only grew worse and worse. The jokes, and the comments grew crueler, and less consderet with time. She became more and more bitter as time went by. Everyday wishing they would stop, the comments. Her best friend was dead, and no one cared. No one could understand why she felt the way she did. As if they wanted to upset her, when she would mention how much it hurt they would only do it more. She realized she couldn't tell anyone about her grief, she realized, that she had to go through losing her best friend alone.

Days went by, her will to leave the house grew smaller and smaller, eventually bringing her never leaving at all. Trapped in her thoughts of him, trapped thinking about how much she wanted to hug him, how much she wanted to tell him what they were saying about him... about her grief.

She would open up only in small amounts to her sister, who she knew would never treat her the way others did. She found comfort in her sister's words when she would tell her everything would be okay. That she would make it through this and live her life, someday.

Everyday was like a challenge, everyday waking up and getting out of bed was hard. She couldn't understand why everyone kept telling her to get over it. How was she supposed to get over it in a matter of a few weeks, even months. Forget it they said.. But how could she forget the person who had been in her life every day until that dreadful day? Everytime she thought of doing what everyone told her, she felt heavy guilt tear at her chest, and she couldn't help but to remembered the promise she made to him only two days before she lost him..

"I love you, please don't leave me. Please. Please I beg you, I already lost enough... Please don't leave me I need you.. " she hugged him to herself, trying her best to help him to eat something.  He wasn't able to move much, only his eyes staring at her and his chest rising and falling to tell her he was alive. "your my best friend, you can't leave okay..?" he looked at her for a moment, then slowly gave her a weak smile. "... Please. " she begged. He looked at her knowingly, his smile slowly fading. They shared a silence, only their eyes to tell what the other was thinking. "I know... I know.. " she whispered, tears starting to fall down her checks. ".. Please live... Bu-... But if you don't.. " she whispered. "I promise, I'll always love you.. you've always been there for me. Everyday, you've protected and supported me. Thank You.. so much..." unable to control herself anymore, she started sobbing, barley able to get out each word. "I'm so sorry... I can't help you, but I p... promise I'll never forget you... "

With that she shook away the memory, tears flowing down. "I'm so sorry..." she muttered.

Before we part now,  and truly let go.  My love I'm lost in the maze of my heart you left me cold.  Stereo, now turned to solo. Our paths our changing directions.  it goes on and on.

After months, she finally began to recover. After months of torcher, it seemed that everything was getting better. Of course, she found herself crying from time to time, and it was a cold night, the day someone found her crying alone and questioned her. They asked again and again why she was crying. When she finally admitted how she felt, telling them everything. That was a giant.... Giant mistake.

"You need to get your priorities straight,
You have to understand, anything could've happened to him if they would have saved him... It would have only given them a bill to pay when they could've died the next day. They had to.. "

".. But they could have tried... What if he didn't? I want him back..! He shouldn't have died! He wasn't even given a chance to try and survive..!!"

"You need to stop, You need to be focusing on your life and responsibility, He doesn't matter."

That was the day I felt like I had been ripped in two all over again. It only had been 2 and a half months since he was gone.. Why did no one care..? When I lost him. I cried for help, I desperately needed help, anyone's help and understanding. But I always felt, that if I told them how I felt, I'd only be told that again. Why, is it so hard... To let go? Especially when it comes so naturally to everyone else it seems?

In giving up what we had and letting go of your hand I gotta let you know That I need to let you go. Hard to say goodbye but I can't run, no I'm ready to let going, I 'm ready to let go,  I'm ready to let go,  It's hard to say goodbye.  Sometimes I wonder what's been going on with you despite the pain I wonder do you think of me too? Living life without the comfort of you's unbelievable But even so, I know I gotta take it To the person I loved too much I see the strings that connected us I couldn't reach you, I missed you but as you walk away now I'll say goodbye

3 months passed, 4, then 5.

she recovered slowly, finding a will to continue while remembering him. But, life had no such plans to allow her to be completely free. A finally straw was pulled. She went to the grave of her friend, just to lay a bouquet of flowers and see her old friend. But what she saw, was horrible. Right where he had been buried, the ground was indented. She stared for a moment,  wondering what could've happened, before a voice spoke.

"You're a friend?" she slowly nodded in reply. "... There was an accident,  he ended up running over the grave."

"... " The image of his body and bones being crushed under the weight immediately flashed into her mind, making her chest feel heavy. "... How... How could they run over a grave..!" she yelled in anger, the image flashing into her mind again and again making her more upset and angry.

"Hey, there's no reason to get upset, he didn't feel a thing, don't be so sensative. " The words angered her more.

"They RAN OVER HIM!" she yelled,  shaking her head to get rid of the horrid image. 

"There is no him,  he isn't there anymore,  he's dead!"

".... " she dropped the flowers, falling silent.

Tears began to run down her cheeks before she ran home as fast as possible. Days of missing him went by, feeling the miserable pain of grief again. The words "He isn't there" burning into her mind. She wished that wasn't true. That day made her realize, what she hadn't yet. That she believed, in the back of her mind somehow... That she could still save him. Somehow that hope had grown, somehow she had let herself believe that. But he was gone.. She realized he was really dead. And that these 5 months were unchangeable. That she really had.. Lost him forever...

In the beginning of our ending
Beyond the tears that are hidden within all this rain
I'll wait for you, let's start over
I'm hoping that in the future I'll see you again

She stared at the item in front of herself before slowly leaning down.  "This is...  This was his." she whispered,  picking the item out from the dirt.  "It was his.. " she repeated.   she carefully wiped the tears from her eyes and refocused  them to look over the item.  'I can clean it up.. and keep it now that I found it. ' she thought to myself. As she carried it towards her home,  she couldn't help but to think of him and the events that had been unfolding.  Although times were hard,  she tried her best to remember to keep going...  That's what he would have wanted  after all,   to see her happy.  as he always did. 

In giving up what we had
And letting go of your hand
I gotta let you know That I need to let you go It's hard to say goodbye but I can't run, no I'm ready to let go I'm ready to let go,  I'm ready to let go, It's hard to say goodbye

She walked into my room,  the now clean and shiny item in hand.  she felt tears prick the corners of her eyes as she slowly got on her knees in front of the few other items she had found.

The sky's colors we saw together, the path we wandered I still remember

She placed the item with the other items,  feeling a pain in her chest.  "I miss you... " she whispered,  remembering how much they played together,  how much they loved each other... Instead of tears she felt her lips curl up slowly, a bitter smile spreading over her face.  "I know things will be hard but I know someday I can get better. "

Promise that you won't forget

"And I will never forget you,  I promised didn't I? I love you...  I love you so much, too much to ever forget. " she clutched the material of one of the items.  "I will never forget what I said to you... "

In giving up what we had and letting go of your hand I gotta let you know that I need to let you go,  It's hard to say goodbye but I can't run, no, I'm ready to let go, I'm ready to let go,  I'm ready to let go.  Hard to say goodbye. 

"it's time I said some important words,  isn't it?" she let out a soft but bitter laugh.  "Goodbye,  My precious...  precious friend, " she brushed her hands over the material of the same item she was clutching moments ago,  as if she was able to touch him again.  "I'll never forget you. "

"But I'm ready to let go."

"My loving pet. "

Hello,  I'm Arashi.  That's not my real name,  but ya know-

I wrote this story...  because I wanted to share what I went through and by doing so,  hopefully help people understand,  that loosing a pet...  Doesn't even feel like you lost just a pet.  It feels like your best friend,  part of your family,  is being ripped away.  No one understood that for me,  I had to listen to people tell me constantly I was stupid,  for feeling the way I did about him. The events in the story are pretty much,  exactly what happened to me. I remember,  holding him in my arms,  trying to feed him while sobbing under my porch, having a feeling that I wasn't going to be with him much longer.  and I remember,  touching him for the last time..  And all the times I played outside with him. And the time he stayed with me when I was scared in the woods. 

I hope to anyone who reads this, and lost a pet and had to go through something similar, can take comfort knowing they aren't alone. Loosing a pet is terrible,  and it's just as bad as loosing a person you loved. And in some cases,  worse. I lost my grandpa who I was very close to,  and my dog.  They were pretty much equally bad.  But I only was helped through one death for the most part.

Please,  don't treat people this way. Even if you haven't been through that,  let them know it's ok.  That it's okay to cry, and it's ok to miss them.  And it's definitely okay to talk about them. You are not bad,  you are not stupid,  your priorities are not out of place. Or whatever they may say. You, are grieving, and that is ok. you deserve to have time to be sad,  and miss them.
 
If you are, suffering. I am so sorry,  and I truly hope, everything will work out.  Remember you aren't alone,  and you will be ok.  ❤❤ I care about you,  even though I may have never met you.

Pets can take your heart, and you can feel like their family,  just like a person can

https://youtu.be/LGE3Y6m4Cz8

This is the link to the song  used,  it reminds me of my dog a lot.  Strangely.

https://youtu.be/totmuiKMdj0

Original artist: Bts
English cover: Ysabelle

❤