As the tour guide was speaking to us in Japanese, I stumbled behind the pack with my head as surely as high as the cloudless sky. I felt drunk, but I was absolutely sober. 

"Have you been to the historic square yet?" She asked us as a group, leading us to where we'd been last night when we'd gone to the restaurant. There was a big monument of some kind in the middle, a street musician playing a guitar there. "The city of Santa Fe was founded in the year 1610..." 

Going on and on. I hadn't really heard anything she'd said. My mind was only on last night, and what I'd woken up to this morning.

I'd never experienced anything like that. Never been that honest. We'd kissed again as soon as we'd gotten into my room and closed the door. He'd pressed me against the door, kissing me so passionately. Like he'd wanted this for so long. How long had he wanted this? I couldn't think, though. 

He brought us to the bed and I laid down. The bed was not comfortable at all, my earlier assessment correct, but I didn't care. He got on top of me, kissing my lips again. It felt so natural. I'd done this with girls before, but I hadn't cared about them. I'd felt nothing when I kissed them like this. But, this was so different. I let him lead, let him do whatever he wanted. 

I was even more surprised that he'd brought a condom. He pulled it right out of his pocket and expertly took it out of the package so quickly. It confused me, but I really didn't care why he had one. What came next restructured my entire world. 

I felt things that I'd never felt. Pleasure aside, and that was mind-blowing also, what else I felt in my body made me feel as if I'd never even breathed before. How close I felt to him. How safe and complete. Letting myself go, not hiding any part of myself. It was so honest. There was nothing to prove. It was just us, together. 

Afterwards, he'd fallen asleep quickly. He'd been curled around me on the bed, and I held him for a while as I thought about what had just happened. 

What I'd felt inside. How much I liked him. Wanted to be near him all the time. How intensely that feeling had increased. Watching him sleep, feeling his arms around my back and his body pressed to mine as he slept. The trust he had, to sleep like this as I was awake. 

Even more so, it caused a conflicting in my mind. Wondering at myself, something I'd wondered for a long time. 

So long ago, Sana had come out to me as transgender. I'd liked him before that, but after he'd come out those feelings had remained. I'd kissed him when I knew he was a boy, and knowing he was a boy had made that kiss all the more intense. 

I didn't know what that meant, and I didn't know what this now meant either. It was as if there were big, red, blinking arrows pointing at the answer, but the answer made me sweat. This was confirming the answer. 

The only person I'd ever liked before this had turned out to have been a boy all along, and those feelings hadn't dissipated once he'd told me. They only got more intense. And now, the person that I now recognized I had a crush on liked me back. More than liked. And he was a man. 

My mom was expecting grandchildren. She wanted me to get married. She was on the tour with us, right now. 

The part inside that had the red arrows pointing at it was boldly saying that she wasn't going to get any grandchildren any time soon. Almost shouting it.

By the morning, I hadn't slept much. I'd woken up, and he was getting dressed to go. I asked where he was going, not wanting him to go. I didn't know what we were going to do, but I definitely didn't want him to go. Inside, I was still confused about what had happened, but it didn't have to end like this.

"I'm sorry, Salila called. She's got a really bad migraine. She needs some headache medicine, and I'm the only one of us who sort of speaks English. I have to find her some medicine. I'm sorry." 

Unexpectedly, he leaned close again. My breath caught as he kissed me, just a quick one this time. 

"Um, are you going on the walking tour later?" I asked. "Can we go together?" Awkwardness descending. Strangely taking over, even though we'd been so honest with each other last night. 

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure. I don't know where to find medicine here."

"Oh. Okay." Unsure. 

He smiled at me, though. "Don't say it like that. I'll be back later. I bet I'll be back by lunch, then we go to rehearsal. I'll be at the venue."

"I'm not going to see you much at rehearsal. You're Sana and Tetsu's stylist."

He gave a little laugh, leaning down again and pecking my lips. It was heaven. "Want me to switch?"

"Can you?!" It burst out of me. 

He laughed again. "You're so cute. No, I can't. Though, I don't think your stylist is doing a good job with you. I'm going to have to have a talk with him."

"Um, what would you have him do?" I remembered a conversation similar to this. He'd never said the answer. That conversation, from the first time we'd really talked. It made that same nervousness appear. The way he'd change my appearance. In what ways did I need to change? So many racing thoughts.

He gave a big sigh, his hands going on his hips. His pants were unbuttoned and I couldn't help but look. "Well, to be honest you're so masculine. Your stylist made you look too soft. You have muscles. Being blond and soft looking doesn't fit your body type, either. You're more stocky. I think your styling should reflect that. Really, he hid all of your best features. He made you not stand out as an individual. I'd style you completely differently, based on what I see."

"Oh, really?" Stunned. He saw all that?

"Really." He let out a chuckle, and climbed back onto the bed. My arm went around him, and he let it happen. He laid partially on top of me, and it was amazing. 

"Don't get Salila her headache medicine." 

He grinned so close to my face. His teeth were impossibly white, but I guess mine were now, too. "Ohhh, but I have to," he groaned. His arms went around my body, though. Doing the opposite of what he was saying. 

"Stay with me."

"Yuuuhiiii."

Wow. "Say my name."

"Yuuhi," he whispered. 

The kiss that followed radiated and changed my entire world again. 

I realized I'd stopped walking. The rest of the group was leaving me. Lost in my thoughts. He hadn't returned in time for the walking tour, and Salila was missing, too. I resumed walking, keeping up appearances. 

As I caught up, the tour guide started talking again.

"Famously, Santa Fe is the highest United States capital. We are currently over seven thousand feet above sea level. This means the oxygen in the air is more thin. If you're feeling tired by now, that's why. Your stamina isn't as good, since there's less oxygen."

"Can that cause headaches, too?" Tetsu asked. He stopped walking, causing Sana's wheelchair to pause, too. I caught up with them, because he'd just asked a very relevant question.

"Yeah, can it?" I echoed. He looked at me in solidarity. It's true that Sana had a headache yesterday, too. But, now Salila had one.

"It sure can!" The tour guide answered cheerfully. "Has anyone gotten a headache?"

"Yes, my husband has," Tetsu said. Sana took his hand and Tetsu didn't let go. 

"One of our stylists, Salila has one now, too," I said quickly. 

"Huh, what? She does? Is that why she's not here?" Nobu asked, turning around. We were entirely stopped now. "I was wondering about that. She'd love this. How do you know she has a headache? Did she tell you?"

My eyes got wider and I looked down to cover it up. "Uh, yeah I heard she did. She went to get medicine with Ren." Hoping he wouldn't ask further questions. 

Our guide made a sympathetic noise. "Well, if anyone gets a headache, there's a pharmacy nearby. I can show you where it is."

"That would be so helpful, thank you." Tetsu let out a long sound of relief. "I have ibuprofen for my husband, but someone else might need something."

I was so close to them that I heard Sana's response, which I probably shouldn't have. It only made the redness in my face deepen. 

"Don't stop calling me your husband," he purred to him. This made Tetsu giggle secretly between them. 

So strangely though, unlike yesterday, I didn't feel any jealousy. That feeling yesterday that I'd felt toward them, it had definitely been jealousy. But now... The memory of asking Ren to say my name. It was very similar to what Sana had just said. 

"You're so red!" Tetsu gasped. My eyes went wide again as I was taken from my thoughts. His hand went on my arm. "Are you okay? She just said that stamina would be lower, because the thinner oxygen. Do you need to stop?"

Oh, shit. Was I really that red? Thinking about Ren?

I nodded so fast. Agreeing with him to cover this up. His hand squeezed on my arm in concern. I was so glad he was this nice. It was really helping right now.

"Oh, here. Here, there's a bench. Sit down. Masaki, do you have water? Can he have some?"

I sat down, and he flurried over to Masaki to retrieve the water bottle. I didn't really want to share Masaki's water bottle, but it was better than admitting why I was red. If I denied that I was tired, then maybe there would be further questions. I had to be much more careful. But, how was I going to be more careful?

I took the water bottle and took a drink. The water was still cold. It wasn't refreshing, because I knew Masaki's mouth had been on it. I choked it down to show them I needed water, though. 

"There, okay?" Tetsu said, patting my shoulder. "We can stop as long as you want. Tell us when you're ready."

"Thanks," I said, cringing at Masaki's water bottle, but smiling for him. 

"Yes, we have a few minutes," the guide confirmed, checking her watch. "Everyone take a rest. Even the strongest among us can be no match for the thinner oxygen so high above sea level."

"Wow, are we really so far away from the ocean?" Tetsu asked her, not paying attention to me anymore. Though he'd been helpful, it caused relief that he was talking to her now. 

Left with my private thoughts again, I just cringed. At Masaki's water bottle, but also because I'd almost been caught. How in the world was I going to hide this?