Natsuko breathed into the phone, and it distorted as if she was in the middle of a wind gust.

"So, you told her. Ohh, I'm so relieved. It just came out? How did that happen? You were so nervous about it before."

I closed my eyes, smiling. I couldn't stop smiling, not after today. Those already happy memories at our house. So many happy memories at our house, but this one was a contender to be one of the best. "It just came out. I was so happy, dancing and singing all morning. Mom was watching me, so proud. I was showing her our maple tree, and we had a good conversation going. Then, we were having lunch, and Shizue mentioned our wedding. Everyone was getting so excited, so... I don't know. I think I felt safe...maybe."

Was that the feeling? Safety? I was still trying to figure out the circumstances myself. What had spurred me to say it. All of the previous ropes around me about it, in that moment, had fallen away. Their smiling faces, the joking. How accepting everyone was, and Shizue was talking about wanting to be our bridesmaid. My mom had been grinning, accepting everything.

Something inside of me was released in that moment. Finally set free.

"You felt safe? Ohh, that's so good."

The edges of my lips were curling up more. Sana was on top of me, resting after today. We'd practiced for a couple of more hours, and he'd quietly told me he was tired. Not sick, but tired. It was nearing four o'clock. We'd practiced enough. He'd done so much. I was so proud of him. We'd said good-bye to everyone, and my mom took us home. Now, she was preparing dinner and it smelled gorgeous. It was a homemade curry with lots of vegetables and chicken. Not too salty, but just as delicious. The idea that it would be warming Sana's belly soon. It made me hug him tighter.

"Yes. I threw my caution to the wind. Mom's so accepting of me. You told me she would be, but I guess I didn't believe you. You understand that, right? I was scared. But...I'm not scared anymore."

She sighed again, the phone distorting. A happy sigh. "This is so great. Now we can talk about it. Do you know what kind of dress you'd want? I know mom is going to want to be involved. We can go to Ginza before we leave for the tour. Just to see what's out there. We'll tell Naoko, too. I know she'll be just as accepting and excited. She's the same as us."

As she was talking, I closed my eyes. Ginza? Wedding dress shopping? My hand closed into a loose fist on Sana's shirt. It held there, needing him. My head went to the side, knowing this feeling. No, it wouldn't be so easy.

Did she have any idea? About our papa's opinion. Had she noticed his face, his shifting on his feet? She'd been young then, doing her own things. It would have been easy to miss. He never came out and said his disapproval again after he'd yelled at my teacher, but that unease. It was always there. It had occurred to me before that she might not have noticed. Maybe, these little looks from him were just for me, or not for anyone. Something he hadn't intended to show. This brought me pause.

Had he intended to show me that? Natsuko had said before, in what seemed so long ago now, when I'd came out to her as non-binary, that he'd always approved of my dancing. That he loved me on stage, as Aurelia.

I breathed in a little, letting it out silently. Pausing at this. No, she must not know. To say that. To be talking freely about going to Ginza, for me to actually wear a wedding dress.

But, I had to be mature about this. Careful. If she didn't know, if I said something then it could change her whole idea about him. She knew he could be old fashioned, but thinking he'd approve of my wearing a wedding dress? It was impossible.

How to say it, though? My lips went into my mouth, and instead of these terrible things, a smile came out instead. My eyebrows pinched up as I began to talk.

"Yeah, we can go to Ginza," I said, unintentionally quieter.

"Okay, good! We'll pick a day. We're going to Sendai on Wednesday, right? It'll have to be before then. I'll research wedding dress shops. Places that have a large variety. Ohh, I bet Sana will want to try on dresses, too! This is so exciting. I want to research and find the best store. We'll make a day of it. You deserve it. It'll be your and Sana's day, a celebration. Remember when I went to go try on dresses? I found my dress that day. The first one I tried on! I wonder if it will be like that for you, too? I can't predict it. It's like the dress chooses you. I can't explain it."

My hand gripped Sana's shirt harder. I let my fingers uncurl, though. Laid my hand flat on his back. It began to rub in slow strokes, soothing myself. I shook my head a little, trying to get these thoughts out of my mind.

What kind of Pandora's box had I opened?

"That sounds amazing," I said, not fully taking in her words. Not able to accept what she was saying.

After dinner, Sana had fallen asleep again. He laid on the couch on his side, exhausted. A warmer blanket was draped on top of him, making him extra cozy like he was in bed. He'd been quiet during dinner, moving slowly, but still able to feed himself. His reward was this comfortable sleep.

My mom was reading a magazine in her chair, her reading glasses constantly slipping down her nose. The TV wasn't on today, and I was pretending to look at my phone as I sat in front of the couch. I couldn't take it anymore. This silence.

Natsuko's words were ringing loudly in my head. I'd thought about them during dinner. She'd been talking about such a joyful outing. That's what it was supposed to be: joyful. But, all I could connect it with was dread. Foreboding, worry. That wasn't what it was supposed to be like.

Going wedding dress shopping with Sana. Being excited to see what he was interested in, finally. Trying to imagine his outfit, what he'd pick. Agonizingly waiting until the day to know what he was wearing. Anticipating it, the happiest moments of someone's life. My life...

This wasn't right.

Ever since April, I'd kind of put it all on the back burner. Focusing on his getting better, then Keitaro said we were going on tour and making a mini album. So much had happened, making my priorities different. In a way, I was scared of it. Sana hadn't been strong then, and I only wanted to help him get better. I was still trying to help him get better.

Now, it was here. Wedding talk. I hadn't expected it to get this out of control, because that's what it was. Creeping understanding. It was out of control, quickly becoming out of my hands. So many others wanting to take control. Shizue wanted to be our bridesmaid, Natsuko had been trying to plan our wedding in Hawaii. What Natsuko had been doing was welcome at the time, because Sana wasn't doing well. I wanted the help, but now, it felt a little suffocating.

My hands became fists again, gripping the carpet. I realized how serious my expression was. My eyes flicked to my mom. She was still reading her magazine. She hadn't noticed. I tried to soften it, but it was locked in place.

I looked up, instead. My hands unfurled, and I tapped the floor gently.

"Mom."

She peered up at me immediately. She folded her magazine in place, and put it aside. "Huh? Te-chan?" She asked. Her attention was on me one hundred percent. It made me feel small, shrinking. I wanted to make this less scary.

It blurted out of me, and I wasn't prepared. I hadn't intended this. "Papa won't want me to wear a wedding dress. He won't approve of me at all. I need help."

My heart pinched in my chest, squeezing. My hand went to it, and I stared at the beige carpet in front of me, my breath going quicker in my lungs. I couldn't believe I just said that. It was completely out there.

"Mm..." My mom made a sound in her throat. One deep in thought. "Well, it's your and Sana's wedding. He doesn't have a choice."

He doesn't have a choice. I shook my head once, unable to accept this answer. It wasn't enough. Was that what she thought, too? That she didn't have a choice, either? For her to say that so quickly...

"Is that what you think, too... That you don't have a choice?" My heart was going so fast. It was rude of me to ask that. But, something inside of me knew I could. She was being honest with me, too.

"Ohh, no. No, Te-chan. I'm so proud of you for wanting to wear a dress. Ohh, no. I always think you look pretty when you wear them. You want to wear one on your special day. I'm so happy that you do."

I looked up at her as she was speaking. That warmth in her familiar, round face. Her eyes were sparkling in joy. I breathed out, relief in my chest. "You're not surprised or disappointed?" Too much honestly. I was shrinking again. These private thoughts, out in the open. Uncomfortableness was spreading.

"Why would I be surprised?" She asked, that smile so inviting. My chin went in as I had to look away. My cheeks were becoming hot. She sighed. "You've looked so pretty every day since you came home from Sapporo." The heat in my cheeks was total. I blinked rapidly, comprehending her words.

"Thank you." Too quiet.

She heard it anyway. "No need to say thank you. You should know this already."

I nodded, chancing to look at her again. She was still smiling at me. Loving me. Loving me, despite our conversation. It seemed impossible to me, all these dreading thoughts about this very moment. So many months of worry, gone in an instant with her smile.

I was quiet for a while, thinking about our conversation. It seemed like a long time, but when I glanced at my watch, it had barely been five minutes. She'd gone back to her magazine, but was still taking small checking looks at me. Trying to see if I was okay. It certainly had sounded like we were finished, but I wasn't. There was still something taxing on my mind, that I had to get out.

I shook my head, taking the chance. This got her attention again. Her eyes fixed on me once more.

"But, papa won't approve of me wearing a dress. How can I have a wedding with Sana if he doesn't approve? He'll be looking at me like... Have you ever seen him..."

She was nodding before I could finish. Ah, so I wasn't the only one. She tapped her chin, giving me such a serious expression. It was almost scary. I felt that shrinking feeling again. I hugged my knees.

"He used to talk to me about it."

My eyes widened. Oh. "Uh- uh, about what?" Did I want to know the answer? It was going too fast again. I wasn't prepared.

She made that low rumble in her throat again. A comforting sound, but it wasn't comforting this time. Foreboding. But, just as soon, she was smiling. Impossible.

"That's why I know he just doesn't understand. I told you that before, remember? That's how I know I can convince him. We wanted to tell him you are non-binary. This is a good opportunity. It can open up the conversation. Don't you think so?"

Did I think so? The heat in my cheeks was all she needed to know. My breathing became grated, and I hugged my knees tighter. It was coming too fast. Natsuko wanted to go dress shopping before Wednesday, and my papa was coming home soon. It was all out of control. Out of my hands. Spiraling, and it was... I tried to breathe.

"Ohh, I know you're nervous," my mom said, her hand making a waving motion at me, trying to calm me down. "We can plan this. We'll talk about it."

"I want to be in control." Too honest again.

My mom made a "pfft" noise. "Of course you're in control! I wouldn't tell him without your permission. I said that, too. We're in this together. You're never alone. We're going to figure this out. It will be alright."

I shook my head one time. "Natsuko said she wants to go dress shopping before Wednesday."

That low grumble, longer this time. I looked up, and her lips were pursed, her eyes squinted. Something in me wanted to laugh at it, her severely disapproving face. Where was that emotion coming from? It didn't make any sense.

"Well, she's trouble. I'll tell her no. We're definitely not ready for that. I know that just by talking to you."

Relief. Ohh, relief. I breathed out a long breath. She stuck out her pointer finger into the air.

"I've got it," she said, intense. It made my eyes go wide. She smiled at me, so warm again. It set me more at ease, incredibly. Did she have it? "I know already."

I nodded, eager. Wanting to hear her plan, if she had a good one. I needed to know.

"Yes, that's it. We'll tell papa before you go to Sendai on Wednesday. We'll give him a good meal. He's always more open to ideas after he's had good food. I do it all the time. You'll see. If he gets uncomfortable, I'll persuade him. He can be so simple, but stubborn, too. I'll convince him. You'll be leaving for America soon, so I'll work on him during that time. It's a good thing."

My hand went to my chest again, my knees going down. I leaned forward, trying to show her my sincerity. "That sounds wonderful," I breathed. "Is that going to work?"

She made a proud smile, so sure of herself. It made me want to laugh again, so strange. She put her fist to her chest, showing me even more. "Leave it to me. I know best."

At this, I let out a small giggle. Just so relieved. She let out a laugh of her own, completely making me relax. She was amazing. To be able to feel like this. I was so glad I had her in this. Her acceptance and love. Her understanding.