As I sang Noriko Miyamoto's "My Life", and heard the warm music of my friends all around me, creating sounds that I had longed for, I fought my feelings inside. I sang songs from our set in order, gazing around the room. And in front of me, Tetsu was facing away and dancing. His mixture of traditional and modern dance, emotional and transcending. He was incorporating a lot more modern dance in his choreography for this song, especially spinning and arm movements. I was entranced, not so much paying attention to what I was doing.

He was wearing the light to dark green ombre kimono with pond lily patterns on it that he'd worn before, and his obi was a light gray, reminding me of our conversations about incorporating gray into his costumes. He finished this with the peeking orange vintage obi-age that he loved, showing a little bit. The combination of colors reminded me of a foggy pond at sunrise. We'd picked up a couple of wigs from his apartment yesterday, and so today he was wearing a long black one that was clipped up in his customary French twist, with a few short curls coming out of it to simulate an arranged mess of them. I watched them bounce and fly as he spun around the room, doing a long modern dance move. The sleeves flew as he spun. It was so breathtaking, that I realized I'd forgotten to sing.

I began again, catching with the rhythm and counting my beats to come in, starting mid-word. His bare feet poked out from under his long kimono as he made little steps, coming back and concentrating, as he offered his hand in a cupped position, sliding his knee forward and stretching out, looking as a goddess asking for water to be poured, making me think of a whole world that he was in. We were separate, he was on a stage all his own. And that smile throughout. His complete bliss.

I knew why he was smiling. This gift I'd given him. Though I was hesitant, I knew it was the right thing. The only thing he'd ever asked for in return. He wanted us to have a family. I found more and more that I wanted that, too. Every fear I'd had, they were still there. I knew he was mostly naïve right now about what it could take for us to conceive. What it would take for us to keep the baby inside of me. Most of all, I worried about what would come after.

I had my own fears, secret ones that I'd told no one. The main one was staring me in the face all the time. My hand clutched an armrest on my wheelchair, my other hand on my chest as I sang out for him, creating music for him to dance to. Singing for him had always been my dream. Now, I had another dream, one that felt just as impossible.

What if I was too sick to take care of our child? It was enough to choke me, like hands around my throat. Not able to breathe. But, I had to keep it out of my mind. With me like this, we'd have to plan this out and think of every possibility. And watching him, he was soothing my fears. Seeing his smile, watching him move about the room. The flow of his kimono, the trailing of his arms, the joy on his face. I loved him, and he loved me.

But, there are things which love can't overcome. No matter how much you love... But I wanted him to have this joy. Be happy, before it might get too serious.

The room spun for half of a second and I felt my head go with it. My hand gripped my armrest, and my fingers clutched my shirt. I'd made a sound with it. This suddenness of the world spinning, like my head was full of Jello and someone had shaken it around.

The music around me stopped abruptly. The hurried, jerking sounds of wood against tatami, drumsticks rattling against the edge of a drum and then clattering to the floor. In front of me, Tetsu stopped dancing, in mid beautiful pose, and began running to me. He didn't have to go far.

Two sets of hands met my shoulders at the same time, drawing me back.

"Sana, Sana. Look at me. Hey. Stay with me, okay?" Yami's voice. My eyes were looking down at my knees, my short, fluffy purple tulle skirt draped there, edges of long black stockings mid-thigh. He was trying to get my wrist to look at my watch, but my hand was gripped too hard on my armrest. In a few seconds, he rotated it upward and to the other side of my wrist instead, reading it.

"His glucose is seventy-eight," Tetsu's hurried voice. In moments, he was crouched in front of me, taking my hand. I trusted him, so I let him have my hand from my armrest. His begging face. How could I say no to those eyes? Swimming dreaming, loving him. A small smile was on my face. "Sana, why didn't you say you were hungry? We can eat whenever you want. It's okay." He stood up and draped my head against his ribs, his soft obi, embracing me gently.

"His heart's beating pretty quick, too," Yami said. "He needs to rest. We went for a pretty long time. Let's take a break."

"That's a good idea," Nobu said, agreeing with him for once. "We'll all eat a snack, take a break. See where we are. If it's a blood sugar issue, we can fix this, no sweat."

"Okay." Tetsu made small worrying noises to himself. "There's crackers and peanut butter in his purse. Oh, but, that might not be enough. Shouldn't he have a meal, or...?"

"It's good to go slow. Have him eat a pack of those, and see if he wants more. We'll test his blood sugar afterward. It's a good idea." Nobu. Always reliable. The way he was comforting Tetsu right now. It set me at ease.

"Okay. Okay, that sounds good. Here, I'm going to get him on the futon. Get him more comfortable." He was fussing with my head, his hands moving all over it in his nervousness. I recognized it, his flurry, not being able to keep still in a crisis.

"You need to get the app calibrated more." Yami was scolding. "I don't want him to get this low. Make it beep before it gets like this."

"This isn't the time," Shizue shot harshly back. Her soft hand was on my arm, touching gently in support.

"Yeah, that's really rude of you," Masaki added. "I can't believe you're pulling this. What are you saying now, telling him to get the app calibrated? You can't see that this isn't an appropriate time- Saying that? Why would you ever say that to him?" There was a biting in his voice. I'd never heard it like that, serious anger there. Masaki was usually so calm and level headed.

"Well, I don't- I just meant that-" Yami let out a frustrated noise.

My eyes closed as I stared down at my knees, pressed tight, then I opened them again. In the space of that time, the doors had opened and hot air had come into the room. When they closed again, I knew he'd gone outside.

I was making them fight again. They'd fought about me in the first place, so long ago. About my care. If I thought about it more, most of their fights had came from that. It was something I hadn't totally realized before. It made me press my eyes closed. I recognized a pain in my back now that I was leaned over more, one that formed a long oblong shape on the back of my ribs on the right.

"Ow," I said quietly.

"What, 'ow'?" Shizue asked, unshaken by Yami's behavior now. It was as if it never happened, all her attention on me.

"My back."

She made deeply worried noises, like a doting grandmother would make. "Don't move him," she said to everyone. "Let's see what's going on here."

They made a chorus of agreements. Gently, they all took care of me in their own ways. Little by little, I was more and more out of it.

After I'd had Tramadol and eaten some peanut butter crackers, I was laid on the futon. Tetsu was behind me for support, his arms wrapped around my front. I wanted to go to sleep, but I was determined. We had to see how my glucose responded to the crackers, and I needed to eat more. I couldn't eat more if I was asleep.

The others were sitting down on cushions we'd brought over from Tetsu's parents' house, quiet and waiting. Yami was still outside, but no one had joined him today. There was no one running out to try to help him. I wanted to be out there. Massaging his shoulders, saying it was okay. I understood what he'd meant, and it had only come from a place of care and love. His way of showing care, trying to prevent the next episode.

My eyes lazily closed, the lids sticking together. I was losing the fight. So stupid of me, going to sleep now. We were here to practice. We hadn't done nearly enough. We were still tweaking things. Most of all, I needed to sing so that Tetsu could find his dance. He hadn't yet choreographed everything, hadn't practiced enough. I was letting them down. I knew it would happen, that I wouldn't be able to do this. That's why I'd planned an alternative version of our set.

Oh, but I wanted to do it. I wanted to sing with them. I wanted to watch Tetsu's back, see him presenting his dance to everyone. Being himself, smiling for them. Showing them traditional dance, but also the joys of modernity. Bringing traditional into the modern world, a fusion of beauties.

"I want you to dance," I said quietly, too quiet. Was I that far gone? My blood glucose reading hadn't been that serious. Where was this weakness coming from?

"I'll dance soon," he said gently behind me. "When you feel better. Rest now." A hushed, feminine voice. His voice. It made me smile, close my eyes. His loveliness. My arms attempted to go tighter around his that were around my middle, but I ended up just squeezing them. Still, my meaning was the same. This love.

He kissed me hard on the back of my head, making me giggle slowly in my weakness. "Ohh, Sana," he sighed adoringly, loving me.

I made a satisfied noise. My closed eyes relaxed, and I breathed easier as his arms tightened around me like I'd wanted. In the quiet, our wind chime outside ringing in the distance, I drifted off into enticing dreams.