It had been a long time since we'd been in the backyard of my parents' house, laid on the porch swing. With how much that had happened since then, it seemed even longer. It wasn't too hot or humid tonight, and there was a warm breeze. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and so was I. My arms were around him as I held him to me, and he was studying my hand, tracing up my fingers and palm slowly, tickling a little in his exploration. Above us, the stars shone freely like pin pricks in a large dark blanket, glittering up there. The sounds of cicadas and other late summer things was in the air.

I kept getting the feeling that I didn't want to move from this spot. A hopeful happiness, feeling it more and more.

How did we get here? Thinking back on the past year. All those difficulties. Somehow, we'd gotten through it all. Now to have the conversation of wanting to start a family. It seemed like an impossibility, but things were looking up. As I gazed up at the sky, there was that hope. In all the infinite possibilities, somehow we were here. We'd arrived at this moment.

My hand grasped his, stopping his movements. They laid on my chest, and I clung to his soft hand. He sighed deeply against my body, an easy sound. A ripple of a breeze went by, and the scent of green was on its journey.

Tomorrow we'd be practicing again, but today's break had helped him a lot. It was a remarkable difference. He wasn't tired like yesterday. Maybe, I had hope, if we had travel days, I could hold him like this and let him rest. Maybe the act of travel wouldn't be so hard on him. Maybe, if we made it less stressful on him, he could rest like this. Less stress. That might be the key.

Interspersed with these thoughts was an ever present one, making me smile to myself every now and again. That memory, of Sana saying, "I want a baby." So sure of himself. Confirming my wish, making it complete. It could be our wish now, our own journey. It made me grip his hand a little harder, still careful, but loving him so much.

"What are you smiling about?"

I peered down, and he was smiling at me, his body against the back of the swing, half on top of me. His head was at my shoulder, relaxed there. Those lovely eyes were gazing at me, reflecting the light from the house.

"It's about what you said at Yokohara-sensei's office."

His eyes closed, his lips curling a bit more. That contented look. So pleased. "Ohh." His cheek rubbed into my shoulder more, getting comfortable.

I went to kiss his head, but he started talking again, and I listened.

"I knew in that moment that I had to do something," he said. "I'd been thinking about it already, but your reaction to my new pills? I thought, when we were on the plane coming back from Hokkaido, that I didn't know how to give you a baby. When you told me about raising your nephews, and compared a baby to a flower? I could see how much you love them. You told me how much you wanted one, with that. I know I have my fears..."

I squeezed his hand, not letting it go. I understood his fears. They were my own, too.

"...But, when you compared babies to flowers opening up to the world? You convinced me. That, no matter what happens, I want to have a family with you. If our child is sick, they'll still feel love. We'll love them so much. I know that. I was thinking, I didn't know how to have a child. With my illness, I didn't know how. Even before I got my IUD, I didn't often have periods. I was too skinny, or my hormones were too unstable. My IUD helped to stabilize these things, but pretty soon my IUD has to come out. It's going to expire soon. So, I thought, maybe..."

He was the most beautiful person in the world. I kissed the top of his head, as he told me this with closed eyes.

"Maybe, we wouldn't put a new one in. I don't think I could conceive as I am now, anyway. I'd need help hormonally for that. I already know, because I don't often get periods. I weigh less than I used to also, so I don't think I'd have cycles based on that. But, I thought, maybe I won't put another one in. Because, we want to have a family."

I didn't know what to say. There was a lot I didn't know about in what he was saying. I didn't know much about IUD's or how they work, or much about periods. I wanted to offer something, but what he was saying was making me speechless, too. Talking about our conversation on the plane. I'd felt so helpless in that moment, like I'd said something wrong. That I'd made him sad, and I shouldn't have been talking about babies. I admit I hadn't been thinking, telling a story about my nephews. Trying to get closer to him, letting him into my memories. But, I thought it had been the biggest mistake when he'd started crying.

But, little did I know, it had resulted in this.

He went on, pausing for me to speak, but I didn't know what to say. His face was so serious, and I ignored everything else as he went on.

"In the past, I thought the measure of a man was conforming to what I thought they were. Men have flat chests, they don't have uteruses or eggs. I was so focused on those things. I wanted a flat chest, so I got one. The next order of business was getting rid of the womanly things inside of me. So, I asked Yokohara-sensei about a hysterectomy. She told me under no circumstances could I have one, because that would make me too hormonally unstable in my illness. I fought her so hard. We had vicious fights. I told her she was against my transition, because she wouldn't approve me to get a hysterectomy. She was still learning about transgender people at that time, so it wasn't really fair to her. I used that against her. I was so wrong. I was so, so wrong."

"Sana..." I had no idea. I'd heard he'd fought with her about some aspects of his care. I knew he could be stubborn, but I couldn't imagine this. I understood it, though. His determination. Being told by the one person you thought you could trust that you couldn't have something so vital to yourself. It reminded me of my struggle with my family about being nonbinary in a way. Being scared of the people you trust the most.

"I'm so glad she fought me. I'm so glad she told me no."

"Sana." My arm pressed him to me more, holding him even closer.

He nodded a little into my shoulder. "I want to have a family with you. The measure of a man isn't in our parts. I know that now. I was young, and I was wrong. I'd be just as much of a man if I'm pregnant and have our child. That makes me no less."

Small tears were at the edges of my lashes. His words. They were some of the most powerful I'd ever heard. His wise words.

"Absolutely," I said, trying to find my own words, stunned by him. "You're a man, no matter what. A beautiful man."

"Thank you," he said quieter, maybe a little shy. It was unfathomable that he could be shy after saying something like that.

"I love you so much." I adjusted a bit on the swing, trying to face him more. I unbound our hands, and reached to complete a hug, wrapped my other arm around him, too. His own went around my belly, squeezing my side. He looked up, and we were so close now. I kissed him, breathing him in. He smelled a little sweaty, so I knew we'd have to go in soon, but I wanted to drink in this moment. Share it with him as long as possible.

"I love you, too," he said in a whisper after we parted. Immediately, I kissed him again. Enjoying him, my smart husband. My beautiful, wonderful husband.

We looked up at the stars together as the breeze played with our hair. We didn't say anything, but we were here together. The stars reflected in his eyes as we quietly listened to the sounds of summer.

Afterwards, we went inside to the air conditioning. I was still deep in thought as I wheeled him into the living room. My mom was there doing some knitting, watching TV. The whole domestic scene was so comforting. There was a quiet in me, everything in place like a puzzle. Such a strange, complete feeling. Nothing was disturbed, there wasn't anything more that I needed. This satisfaction.

As I laid Sana on the couch, he smiled up at me. He was feeling content, too. That's what that look was. My hand brushed his face, smoothing his bangs away. A tiny grin greeted this, and I found the same sort of grin on my own face. I covered him with the thin blanket that had been on the back of the couch, tucking it in under him.

I wanted to do something else for him. I stood there, watching him. His eyes closed in his comfort. He was giving me so much. He was so special, my everything. I wanted to give something to him, too.

It hit me so fast. Ah, he'd love it. Quiet as a mouse, I put my finger to my lips at my mom. She nodded, smiling at me. I made my way silently out of the room. Careful to not make a sound, I went into the kitchen. I opened the freezer slowly, and found the sugar free ice cream in there. It was still weighty, plenty inside.

With so much love, I brought out a bowl and a spoon. Thinking about him sweating as we talked in the backyard. His lovely scent, but needing to be cooled down. How much he loves ice cream. It was the perfect thing. Make him even happier than he was now. I'd feed it to him, watch him smile.

As I scooped ice cream into the bowl, I felt the tears in my eyes. Remembering his words, about the measure of a man. What that meant to him. About him being no less of a man if he carried our baby. How beautiful that was. It made me stop, and my fist went over my mouth. I stared forward, seeing the cabinets in front of me.

As I cried about how beautiful he is, I could only think about how lucky I am. How lucky I am, that he is mine. That we found each other, and this is my life. We somehow arrived here, and though things would be difficult, how much I loved this man. How much I loved him, and he loves me.