It was the third day of practice, and I was sitting against the wall of our new home against some pillows on top of the futon in the tatami room. The others were practicing a song in our set, a cover of Tomoko Aran's "Okami ga Kita Uni." I liked it, because it was city pop, which would appeal to the western audience we'd be in front of due to the popularity of city pop, but it also spoke of Japanese folklore, the "okami" wolf in the story of the song. At least, that was my interpretation of it. In that way, it fit more with Tetsu's ideals and what he wanted to bring to the show.

I watched him find the rhythm, choreographing a dance. It was haunting, these movements, reminding me of a wolf. He was wearing a pastel pink furisode today with other pastel patterns on it, one of the ones he'd been excited about in my apartment. One that was vintage 80's, that reminded him of what his mom used to wear when he was growing up. A gold obi brought out these colors even more, complimenting them. His blonde wig was clipped up today in a French twist. I remembered how he'd said before that this style was best for practice.

I admit, I was tired. There was no hiding it. Yesterday, I'd essentially given up. I had no choice, but to show them. My eyes wouldn't stay open, no matter how much I wanted to be as alert as they were. As they screamed to each other as Keitaro said our named pointedly on TV, I'd been struggling. I wanted to be excited. I wanted to shout and dance. But, my eyes had been closing instead. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. This response, so the opposite of what I should have been feeling.

Today, it was more of the same. I'd practiced with them in the morning, but going into the afternoon my eyes were closing. After lunch, I'd all but given up. It only went with what I'd thought before: there was no way I'd be able to keep up. This plan I'd put into place, this safeguard. I'd made sure to give them two versions of the covers of the songs we'd be doing. One with me, and one without. I was watching them now perform a version of a song without me. Even though I'd planned it this way, it was still so overwhelmingly lonely.

I didn't feel sick. There was no weakness to go along with this tiredness. My vital signs were fine according to my Fitbit and glucose monitoring app. It could only be that I was working too hard. Even so, when I thought about the tour, I wanted to be excited. There was so much potential there. But, my eyes were starting to hurt, begging me to close them and lay down.

"Huh? Sana?" Tetsu stopped dancing, putting his arms down. His hands ceased to be paw shaped. His face became concerned. That's about all I saw as my eyes closed and I laid down. My arms went about my face, becoming comfortable. The blanket on my waist was in a good place.

"Go check him," Yami said off in the distance.

In a few seconds, two sets of hands were rolling me over on my back. I let them and didn't open my eyes. The waves of pressure behind my eyes were becoming a throbbing. A headache. Larger hands were on my wrist, checking my watch. Nobu's hands. I recognized the rough, flat surfaces of his finger pads, permanently flattened by his guitar strings. These familiar, tapered shapes. They were strong, but gentle. They went to my other wrist, checking my pulse. My heart was calm, but the pain in my head was building. The back of Tetsu's soft, warm hand pressed to my forehead.

Memories of this morning. I really had done a lot. I'd been surrounded by papers, making changes, my brain going a million miles per minute. As I'd watched them perform and performed myself, there was a lot to consider. I'd tweaked a lot of things, making it better. Writing out better ways to do the songs. Maybe that's where all my energy had gone. I'd been watching them all intensely, aware of them around me one hundred percent. My focus was next to none, draining me more than I'd realized.

"My head hurts," I admitted. There was too much to do. I couldn't be sleeping like this. I had to watch them more, make more changes. We had so little time to do this in. What was I doing?

"Get his Tramadol," Nobu ordered quietly, no nonsense. Tetsu's hand left my forehead, and I wanted it back. There was no time to lay here, though.

"I'll get up," I said, but my body didn't follow. It laid right where it was.

"Nonsense. You're going to rest, and that's the end of it." Nobu...

A gush of water came in through the open sliding doors toward the kitchen. A filling cup. Hydration was good. That'd help me go on.

"No, I have to- uh-" I tried to get up, but Nobu's hand was on my shoulder, pushing me back to the soft surface I was on. He was gentle, but forceful. "Oh."

"Look at you, alright?" Gentle words. "Your eyes aren't open."

"Oh, okay."

"We've got it. You rest, and when you feel better then you can sing with us. I want to go over the last song. It's our finale, right? Look forward to it. But, rest now."

I knew what he was doing. Giving me hope. It was a trick.

"Okay."

"Take a nap." It was as if he was trying to hypnotize me into doing it. Willing me to. I had no choice, but to accept. "We'll take a break, too. It's a good reminder to pace ourselves."

"Okay, that makes me feel better."

"Good. I'm glad."

"Here." Tetsu's soothing voice. Water sloshed in a cup.

"Thanks. Alright, Sana?"

Gentle hands slid under my back, and I knew they were Tetsu's. Lifting me up into a better position to accept the water. A pill was put into my mouth. The water came next, and I realized how parched I was. It was a beautiful taste. I gulped it down, the medicine going with it. I kept drinking, finishing the whole cup. My eyes didn't open once, the pounding headache becoming too strong. My eyebrows creased with it, but the water went down smoothly. The cup was removed from my lips, and to my surprise, I was lifted a little more. Warmth spread across my back, and familiar arms went around my front. I sighed, in heaven. Tetsu's body was behind mine, holding me to himself again. Like this, I snuggled into him, and he covered us in the blanket.

"It's okay," he said, soothing me further. "It's okay. Go to sleep. I'm right here."

"Okay."

"Okay." His wet, lingering kiss went on my hairline, that warmth staying as I drifted off into dreams.

I woke up to a hurried conversation. The anguish in their voices was something I wasn't prepared for. My body was gently being rocked, and I felt small tears on the edges of my eyes. I'd been crying in my sleep.

"I don't see how this is going to work," Yami was saying. "He's even worse today. You saw it, he's pushing himself. That's terrible. He feels obligated. But, even though he's like that, he's still trying. How are we going to remedy this? He can't push himself like that. We can only force him to relax so much. It's only the third day of this. We have sixty days of this ahead, not to mention next week. I can't even imagine next week, compared to the days ahead? What are we going to do?"

"We practiced without him a little bit today. I think we need to go forward with that. I know you don't want to, but we have to look at the reality. He just can't do this." Shizue's scared voice.

"He talked before about us performing without him. That's why we have two versions of our set. Maybe we can perform the alternate version more than we planned. That way, he won't be as stressed. We can plan this out." Nobu's responsibility was there, trying to be reasonable.

Yami let out a long, loud sigh. "I'm going outside. I can't take this. I need to breathe."

"Take as long as you need." Nobu's fingers were tapping against the wood of his guitar, that familiar knocking sound.

The sliding doors opened, a rush of hot, humid air hit me. It was brief, though, and the doors slid closed with a comforting bumping sound.

"How can we plan? Tetsu, you told us about your conversations last night with Keitaro and Yami. Keitaro doesn't sound like he's listening anymore. Maybe he's naïve. I don't know. He can't see what we are seeing." Shizue was even more nervous in her voice. "I admit, I'm very worried. I couldn't imagine it'd be this bad. Sana didn't even seem to be aware that he can't do it. He was trying to get up, but his eyes were still closed. He's so exhausted. He can't do that. What is it going to be like on tour? The closer it gets, the more I'm scared."

"We can't predict this," Masaki said, jumping in before Tetsu could answer. Tetsu's breaths against me were calm, despite their panic. "I've looked at the tour schedule over and over. There's rest days, but those days are disguised. They're actually travel days. That doesn't equate rest, not for Sana. The schedule is grueling. Is it... Could it be possible that Sana comes with us for half the tour maybe, and then he goes home? That's all I can think of that could solve this. I don't want something terrible to happen. He's so fragile... He means more than any tour. He'll still have achieved a dream even if he's only with us for half of the time."

No way. Someone say that wasn't possible. Half the tour? I may as well not go at all. It was singling me out. It was exactly what I didn't want. Special treatment.

"No." I started to struggle. Unable to control myself at this suggestion. What were they thinking? I was a part of Lyra, too. We were supposed to be in it together. I knew I was tired now, but... This tour is what we'd dreamed about. What we'd been working so hard for all these years. That ultimate dream. What Masaki had suggested was unthinkable.

Tetsu's arms tightened around me.

"Oh, Sana... You're awake?" Shizue asked, somewhere in the room. My eyes just wouldn't open. Too tired, betraying me. I wanted to be awake as they were. I wanted us to be discussing something happy. The tour was supposed to be the happiest time in our lives. What were they discussing instead? My needs? We should have been talking about how excited we were.

"I'm sorry." My only need. Telling them that I was sorry. We weren't even on tour yet, and I was ruining it with how tired I was. That's all I saw. They should have been so excited. But, instead... Maybe I shouldn't go on tour at all. If it was going to be like this. Overwhelming.

"Sana." Tetsu's soothing voice again.

"Why are you sorry?" Shizue asked, sounding devastated. I wanted her to be laughing, talking about going somewhere fun in America. I wanted them all to be smiling, talking about unimaginable things. All the fun they'd have.

I'd thought at the beginning when I'd first heard about the tour, when Tetsu had told us in his crystal room, that I was so happy for them. I hadn't put myself into the equation. Maybe that was the right choice, after all.

Tetsu's hand descended to my belly, finding it with his fingers outside of the blanket. Slowly, they began to rub. He was trying to get me to fall back asleep. I didn't want to. I only wanted to tell them how sorry I was.

From outside, I started to hear shouting. Wordless, calling out into the atmosphere. Yami's angry outburst, his frustration.

"Oh, fuck, I'll be right back," Nobu said. His body shifted in the quiet, and Yami continued to yell.

I understood Yami's feeling. I had it, too, but he was able to express it better. He had the energy to. The door opened, and Yami's voice filled the room. He was going crazy. The hot, humid air hit me again. The door slid closed again. I wanted to hug Yami. Make him calm down. Whatever Nobu was about to do, it wasn't enough.

Our dream. It was being ruined before my closed eyes. Talking like this, about me not being with them for half of it. Having to perform our alternate set, planning around my illness. Those small tears at the edges of my eyes were becoming bigger. It was all falling apart. I was too tired. We'd talked about this tour for a long time now, but as we were putting it into practice, it was only talk. That excitement that had been there was drained, and I was the cause. It was evident in their voices, the subject they were talking about. The somberness in their tones. Yami was yelling outside, finally a voice that I understood. That terrified anguish, calling out into the sky.

As my tears fell, Tetsu made the same kind of tsking sounds that one would to a baby. Trying to make my tears become gone. His warm thumb pressed to the edges of my eyes. As I cried, I heard Shizue lose it, quietly, but the silence in the room betrayed her. And as we cried together, Tetsu's body began to shake, and I felt his tears, too.