We ate dinner at the hotel, and Sana still seemed very tired. He was able to lift his chopsticks himself and ate well, but I had my eye on him. He wasn't talking to me very much, and hadn't all day. That quiet again, but I knew now it wasn't because he didn't like me.

He just didn't know how to say the words. That I could understand. What words do you say after that? This sad thing between us. I wanted to take him in my arms, somehow show him it was okay. I loved him. I was devastated, but I loved him. It wasn't a selfish feeling, but a mutual pain. Understanding finally, the pain he must have had. How much he struggled to tell me.

Sawai-san and my sister helped us to our hotel room, bringing our bags. My sister kept eyeing me, knowing something must be up. We hadn't joined in when everyone at dinner was going wild. They were talking about Yellow Lizard tomorrow, what the show could be like. How they dreamed it could be. I'd given small smiles, a smirk here and there. Pretending to listen.

In the hotel room, I'd gotten Sana ready for bed. I was rushing, because he seemed so tired already. I knew getting him ready would tire him out more, and I didn't want his body to get too tired. That could spell trouble, and I knew he must be looking forward to the Yellow Lizard show, too. He was such a big fan, after all. I remembered how he'd been when he'd first met Keitaro. How shy he was. How quiet.

Just as quiet as he was being now.

I propped him up between pillows, making sure he was safe. This comfortable nesting that I'd do for him. Routine. He gave me a small, appreciative smile as I did this, and it caused a blip in my heart. A nervousness. A tingling feeling. My mouth had opened a little, not knowing how to react. Too awkward. Suddenly, not knowing what to do. I didn't want that.

I didn't know how to change it. This difference between us. He wouldn't talk to me, and I knew he must be worried. But, I was worried, too. What should I say? What could I do to make it better?

I thought about this as I brushed my teeth. I spat in the sink and washed out my mouth. I brushed my hair for bed, and stared in the mirror with both hands on the edges, wondering what I'd do when I got out there. Maybe, we could watch something on TV together as he fell asleep in my arms. This familiar thing, to show I loved him. Holding him, which would comfort me, too.

It only gave me a choke in my throat. Thinking about holding him, rubbing his body so he'd be comforted. Wanting to love him, but he was so quiet. Keeping his thoughts from me, because he was scared... Was I scared, too?

As I walked out, I was ready to cry again. Let him see, because maybe he'd talk to me if he did. Maybe, he'd talk to me about anything at all. I just wanted him to talk to me, tell me his feelings. Tell me something.

My feet touched the carpet and my head went up, full of tears in my eyes. I didn't see what I expected.

He was sitting there, wearing a short nightgown made of light pink silk. It was one of my favorites, which is why I put it on him. He looked so pretty in it. He was still wearing the long blonde wig he'd been wearing all day. He was a picture of beauty, his legs tucked under him. And his hands were behind his back, a sneaky smile on his face as he looked to the side.

He looked like a cat with a mouse in its mouth. Proud, sneaky, taunting.

"What- what is it?" I asked. The strangest smile appeared on my lips. From where?

"Guess."

"Huuuh?" I crawled onto the bed, and as I neared, I got my answer.

He pulled his hands out and opened his arms to me. And what I saw in his hand...

The biggest grin was on my face and it was so the opposite of what I expected. "An ear wax pick?" I asked, about to laugh, incredible. All those emotions coming out this way, in laughter? "Where did you get that?"

"Your sister packed it in my travel bag. It was brand new. I don't know why. But, I want to use it on you. ...I want to." His lips pressed together, and he was biting his bottom lip. Adorable. He started swinging his upper body from side to side, making my heart squeeze in how cute he was being.

I collapsed on the bed, the biggest relief going from my throat to my belly. My arms went over my head, overwhelmed. He was happy? That's all I wanted. I began to crawl to him as he burst into laughter at my response. That magic laugh.

"Ohh, Sana," I sighed, as I reached him. He patted his lap, and I obeyed, placing the side of my face on it. I peered up at him, and looked down at me. That smile. He wiggled the pick in the air. It was made of light blue plastic and had a kids' anime character on it, one I recognized.

His hand scooped into my hair, making me close my eyes and release the sigh I realized I'd been holding for days. All this weird energy, released in a long breath of air. The pick met my ear and went inside, a familiar feeling from when I was a kid. Memories were flooding back, of being under five years old, my grandmother doing this for me. The smell of her house, old cooking smells and incense. Watching TV as she quietly went to work, her old but sure hands moving my head around gently, trying to get every last bit in love.

Another sigh left my body, like bad spirits going to another home. Leaving me. My eyes fluttered a bit in the pleasure of his movements. They finally closed, and the most satisfied smile slipped onto my face. A smile from ear to ear.

We didn't have any words to say to each other, but that was okay. Doing this for me, wanting to do it. This intimate act, a different kind of love. It was something that words can't say, transcending language and space. Deeper than that. He was letting me know we were okay, that he loved me no matter what. It made my heart full of warm honey. Reminded me of aromatic, nostalgic scents, this feeling inside. Beautiful, comforting things. Everything, all at once.

His wrist dropped in front of my face, trying to reposition me with his hand. The pick dropped back into my ear after I heard it scrape on the napkin he was using. My eyes popped open, and my lips puckered. They met his wrist, and he jumped about ten feet in the air.

"Oh!" He breathed, the pick going still as a statue in place. "Ahhh, you're going to make me stab you in the brains. Don't." But, he was giggling. I looked up, and his hand was at his mouth, the pick between his forefinger and middle finger, so elegant, as he laughed behind his hand. His eyes were like twin suns in sunset, so happy that his eyes were almost closed.

"I can't help it, you put your sexy wrist in front of my face," I said, pursing my lips as if petulant.

I felt him shaking as this only made him laugh harder. My beautiful, sweet, kind love. I was grinning, too, then snickering. And then we were laughing together. Losing it together. Any tension I'd had left my heart, going into the air and gone away.

He was amazing. That's all I could think of. He was amazing.

We quieted again, but still smiling at each other. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other. He ordered me to turn over, and I faced his belly this time. He cupped his hand behind my head, holding me there. The way his hand was, I knew he was holding me for real. Holding me, like I'd wanted to hold him when I was thinking to myself in the bathroom. A comforting hold, lingering too long and needing to. This thought made me close my eyes, and as he slowly cleaned my ear with such tender love, the happiest of tears formed behind my eyelids in secret.

This choke, of being so glad I had him. That, no matter what we went through, I was so glad it was him.

We watched a movie after, and instead, he held me in his arms. It was an old movie in black and white, a period drama. He found it on the TV and thought it might be something I'd like. He was right, and I was so pleased that he knew that about me. I placed my head on his chest, and he held me gently. Every rise and fall of breath, his heart beating like a soundtrack to the images on screen.

I knew that we'd gone through something major, and we still were. But, to have this kind of joy in the middle of it. To be able to find this together, to have moments like this despite what we were going through. It made me know he's the one for me. He's who I'm meant to be with, no question at all.

I watched the movie with such a contentedness in my heart. My eyes drifted half closed in my happiness, and I was breathing deeply as if in sleep. To know this joy...it was unlike anything I'd ever imagined.

I loved him, and there were no metaphors that could describe that love. As a nobleman on screen read a poem in a letter, professing his love for the princess, I thought, there's no letter I could ever write that could tell Sana how I feel. If I was that nobleman, I'd have to send a blank letter.

Thankfully, I already had the love of my life right here. He was holding me, and I was the luckiest person in the world.