The bright summer sun. A shining, warm breeze. A humidity under fifty percent. A perfect day. On top of everything else, this might be the best day of my life. I couldn't help myself, dancing on the sidewalk in front of everyone, making my precise steps and turns, one-hundred and eighty degrees, walking backward, not watching for anyone else.

"Tetsu, you look ridiculous," my sister laughed. She was holding her phone up, either recording me or looking at a map to show us where to go. "What are you so happy about? You've seen Yellow Lizard a million times."

I couldn't tell her the real reason. No one could know. I swayed my hips, walking backwards, making an awkward shuffle with my shoulders stiffening up under my ears to try to make them laugh. I was successful, and even Sana was smiling. "We're going to Hokkaido, that's why!"

Because we might have a baby someday. I don't know how, or when, but it might happen and that's the best thing I'd ever heard.

I was stuck on that high. Nothing could knock me from that foothold in the sky, like I was rising higher and there was no stopping it. I'd realized this morning that I'd wanted this with all of my life back in April. I'd begged any god for this.

Now here we were. It was a bright, shining day. Sana was doing better than back then, and we were talking about a family of our own. I was full of fluffy things and clean cotton breezes, floating flowers and warm love.

I knew we'd have our problems. I wasn't letting myself forget that, but we were here now. We were out on this sidewalk. I never wanted to live for now more than this moment.

"Come here, come here. I'm going to send this to mom," Natsuko laughed, ushering me to her with one hand. I went to her, and as we walked, she showed me the video she'd just recorded. I twirled on screen, the hair surrounding my face going up in it. My smile was the most striking feature. I'd never seen myself smile like that. "See?" She giggled. "You see what I mean? What are you so happy about?"

"The tour, of course." A different answer. She wasn't getting anything from me today.

"Is that it? The tour's pretty exciting."

"Sure is." I peered back at Sana, who was being pushed by Sawai-san. He looked cozy, smiling at me even though I hadn't been paying attention to him as much, too distracted by my own feelings.

"Ah, I sent it. She's going to laugh so hard. This is going to be great. What are you looking forward to the most on tour? I want to eat all the food. Try everything. I don't care if I get fat. Haru will have to deal with it. I heard the portion sizes are crazy."

"I don't know what I'd order. I don't want to eat too much. It'd be awkward leaving all that food on the table."

"I bet you can take it in a box."

"Will there be room for that? Hotels have mini fridges, and the fridges on the buses are pretty small, that's what I've heard."

"Hmm. Now I'm wondering."

I glanced back at Sana, having to. This urge inside, wanting to see him. He was peering up at the buildings, so beautiful in his white and light yellow patterned dress that was tea length, his white bow headband behind the bangs of a long and wavy silvery blonde wig, his strappy white sandals. This was one of the outfits my sister had brought, and I was so grateful. It was a different kind of style than I was used to, but it suited him perfectly. I never would have chosen that dress length. As I'd dressed him early this morning, he was only too happy to wear it. He was quiet again, but smiling at me. His eyes appeared neutral, no hint of sadness. It was hard to tell his feelings, but I didn't sense any sadness. I wanted him to talk to me. He hadn't spoken to me much in what now made two days.

Was he not feeling well? Or had it been our conversation about the future? It sent a sudden chill down to my stomach, from an unknown place.

I had to come out of these thoughts. My sister was eagerly expecting me to talk to her. It felt like we hadn't seen each other in so long, but in reality time hadn't gotten away from us. So much had happened in such a short time span, and was still happening.

"You should start a food blog," I suggested to her, my voice bright and sunny, not skipping a beat. My arm thrust to her elbow, linking with hers. My body wanted to play, and I started swaying my hips to the rhythm of our now synced footsteps. She started grinning and followed me, swaying her own hips.

"I should!" She exclaimed. "I'll start one in America!"

"Tell everyone about the cool food you're eating. You're going to Europe, too, you know!"

"You're right! I'm going to eat all over the world! My food fans had better be prepared!"

We were being so loud, but it was soothing this iciness in my stomach. Warming it up. Not caring if we were offending anyone, being loud in our happiness, like we could do absolutely anything in the universe, or maybe conquer it all.

Once inside the clothing store, I took over for Sawai-san. She went off with Natsuko, trying to locate a raincoat that could fit Sana well. It couldn't be too big, or it might slip and slide. The hood might go over his eyes. It needed to fit just right.

In truth, I was relieved to be alone with him, even though we weren't really alone. We were surrounded by people in a store, chattering all around us. The sounds of clothing being pulled about, the clicking of metal on metal and hangers rattled. He was still smiling at me. The same one from yesterday, the same one from this morning.

As I watched him, I clinked some hangers of my own, making like I wasn't paying attention as much, but I was. He continued to smile, looking through various clothing. As he flicked through them, I saw the rhythm. You can't ever hide a musician. So easy to tell when they've got something in their head. He was counting off perfect beats, not really looking at these clothes. His eyes had a far away gaze, not seeing anything at all.

I had to do something. That look. I'd seen it now for two days. He was feeling physically fine. I could see it in his strength, the way he picked up his arms and the quick flicking of the hangers. He was doing great. But, his mind...

I got up from my crouch and he didn't even see it. Too engrossed in faking a lie for me. When my arms descended around his chest, my chin resting on his shoulder, I finally felt him relax. I chanced to look at the side of his face, and saw his eyes were closed, his mouth not smiling anymore.

"What's wrong?" I asked, so quietly into his ear, not wanting to cause attention to us. Sudden fear went up my body, asking this question. Was it that weighted?

"Nothing. Uh, nothing." He let out a small giggle, like a "heh". Nervous.

I could read him like a book. "It's not nothing. We haven't spoken much in two days. Not since we talked about..." His cheek went hot against mine.

So that was it. I knew it.

"Well, I- uh. Hm." More nervous words. He couldn't even get them out.

"Why are you nervous? I love you. You don't need to be awkward."

His cheek got hotter. I became aware of how public of a place I was doing this in.

"I'm not... nervous..." He seemed to feel out the word.

"Come on, let's go somewhere private. We can talk. I won't bite." Trying to be playful, to get him to laugh. My sister was laughing so easily at me earlier, and he seemed to also. Was it a lie? I took the handles of his wheelchair and pulled him back.

I saw him lean forward before I knew what he was doing. My footsteps immediately stopped, seeing this in his back. I stepped to the side, and there he was, holding onto the clothes in front of him gently, but his hands were so tight.

"Oh." A small breath was released from my throat. His actions were all the confirmation I needed. "Do you not want to talk to me? Did I do something wrong?" I asked, my voice hushed.

He let go, and the clothes fell back into place. He straightened back up. He shook his head so quickly. It sent anything but relief to my heart. A slight choking was in my throat. He'd never refused me before. Why was this happening now? We were supposed to be happy. I thought we were happy...

"I want to talk to you," he said. He wasn't looking at me, though. His head went down. "I don't know how to talk to you about this."

"Oh, well... We can talk about anything, honey. I'm not scary," I tried, my hands starting to fold on themselves over and over, unsure what to do.

"I don't know how to talk about this. I don't..." He was crumpling.

I stepped forward, trying to see him more. See his face. Why wouldn't he look at me? I crouched down, craning my neck in my effort, wanting.

His eyebrows were peaked, his mouth open a bit, his face puffy like when he feels sick. Was he feeling sick? My hand went to his back almost like a habit, but it was the most comforting thing. Feeling his spine, going all over it. Rubbing there, like I knew he liked.

Each syllable came out on its own, slowly. "I don't... know... how to tell you this." His eyes pinched at the corners, his nose made a small crinkle in the middle. I knew what was coming.

I stood up and spun his wheelchair quickly to face me. He didn't protest this time. My knees bent and I crouched, balancing on the front of my feet. Face to face with him. My hands took his, rubbing my thumbs on their backs. His eyes were a little higher than mine, making him peer down at me. There was no way he could avoid my gaze now. He didn't seem to want to anymore.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, a breathy thing. Such a sadness there. "I'm sorry."

I knew what he was referring to. No need to say anything else. I knew. My arms went forward, finding his back. My hands gathered at the material of his dress, gently scratching like he'd do to me sometimes to get me to sleep, as they found they way to the middle, and I wrapped them around him in finality. I brought my body up, and we embraced like I'd wanted to. His arms went around my shoulders, pulling me close. He was embracing me like he'd wanted, too.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into my ear. "I- I... I'm not ready. I'm not ready to have this conversation. I'm not ready. I'm not ready-"

He was panicking. The choking in my throat was rising, threatening to overflow at his quiet words. But, there was only worry for him. No thought for me, or what he was really saying. I knew already. It was over.

"That's okay, baby." I kissed his cheek, and rubbed his back. "That's okay. If you're not ready, it isn't a no, right? There's later. When we're both ready. We don't need to talk about it. I promise. I'm not mad, or anything. It's okay. It's okay." I kissed his ear, pressed my cheek to it again.

"Okay," he said. He sniffled, and I knew he was crying. I'd do anything to stop those tears.

The one in a million chance was landing on one of the other nine-hundred thousand chances. The gate was closing. I pinched my eyes closed, then looked up quickly at the ceiling. Grey tiles met my blurring eyes. They blinked rapidly, trying to be clear. He couldn't see me cry.

I gave him one last kiss, a long and enthusiastic one on his ear. Loving him, despite anything. It was no one's fault. I processed his words, thinking of their true meanings.

He wasn't ready, so maybe there was later. It was true, wasn't it?

"Ohh," he groaned, sniffling hard. "Oh no, there's Natsuko and Sawai-san. They're going to want to know why I'm crying. What am I going to do?"

"Leave it to me."

He nodded on my shoulder. Relying on me like this. I wanted that. I stood up and spun around, and sure enough, there they were. They were holding a blue rain jacket, a sporty style. On their arms were other pieces of clothing, clearly for themselves. Their faces fell as soon as they spotted us.

"Are you o-!" Natsuko exclaimed, entirely too loud.

"We're fine!" I called to her. "We're going to the bathroom! See you later!" With this, I hurried to the back of Sana's wheelchair and off we went. I saw his legs squeeze together at my pace, trying to be modest. I wanted to slow down, but his tears wouldn't. I had to get him to a safe space.

We went into the bathroom so fast that it was as if I didn't stop to open the door. It swung open, and we found ourselves in a single. "Perfect," I sighed in relief. I went to lock it, but felt a tug on the leg of my jeans. My natural reaction was to look to see what it was, and what I saw...

"Don't leave," Sana squeaked, the most pitiful voice I'd ever heard, like a scared kitten, so high pitched in his emotion. "Don't leave, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Those last words, even higher than the ones before. He was losing himself. His hands went over his face. He began to sob with abandon.

My finger flicked the lock of the door in place, and I was crouching in front of his wheelchair again. My arms captured him, pulling him to me. Showing him he didn't need to say sorry. That I wasn't going anywhere.

"I'm sorry," he said into my neck, buried there in it. I'd never let him go. "I don't know what to say- I'm sorry, I don't know-"

"It's okay, baby. Shh, it's okay." I began to rock him back and forth.

"What do I do? I think- if we-" he made a kind of kitten sneeze sound in another sob. "If we have a baby... What if I pass on my disease? I'm not ready for that. How can I be ready for that? How can I do that? I can't- I can't-" He dissolved into a constant sobbing, unable to say anymore.

I kissed his cheek, trying to soothe him. I'd heard his words, but not really heard them. Trying not to hear them, the most selfish thing of me. Trying to deny, but what he was saying...

The weight of it. What he was saying.

I can't have one. I can't have a baby. He'd told me that at the start of all this, and I hadn't listened. I'd let my imagination run away with me. I hadn't known what those words really meant. Now, I was catching a glimpse, and all my eyes wanted to do was shut violently.

His true meanings. That even if we could conceive, in which the chance was very small with his illness, if he could carry our child, and that chance was smaller also, what if... That thought. I knew, this black hole coming back except real this time. That glimpse into his world, seeing what he saw. My own black hole.

"I wish there was a way," he sobbed, a drawn out one at the end. "I wish there was a way... But when I realized that last night... I can't do that to anybody. Not to you, not your family, and especially not to an innocent little babyyy..." He was crying so much. Completely lost. Had he been thinking that all day? While he'd been smiling at me? How could he smile when he thought that? "I'd be a monsterrr..." He said the most horrible thing I'd ever heard. "I'd be a monsterrr... What am I going to do..."

Tears overflowed my eyes. "You could never-" I swallowed so hard, my voice breaking, my throat so wet all of a sudden. This terrible thing he'd said. "Oh my god... Sana, you could never be a monster. Don't say that. Don't say that. I love you. You can't ever be that."

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I want to go home- I want to go ho-home..."

I nodded, trying to show him that I wanted to also. I couldn't speak. I rocked him harder, trying to comfort him. Anything. No, I was the one. I'd pressured him. I hadn't understood what he'd said before, ignoring his words. That's what I'd done. He'd told me, and I hadn't listened. Now, this was my punishment, for being selfish. Hurting him like this.

I found my voice. "I'm going to take you home. Let's go. It's okay, baby. We're going home."

"I'm sorry. I'm so selfish. This is terrible, I'm ruining everything. I ruin everything..."

"No, no."

"I'm sorry, I ruin everything... I'm ruining our dreams..." His sobs were the worst pain in the world. Unlike anything I'd ever heard.

"You are my dream. How can you ruin that?"

His arms went around me at this. Holding me, but I felt that they were weaker than before. His body was starting to collapse, too panicked. Making himself too anxious. My knees met the floor, and I pressed my body to his fully. Before I knew it, we were on the floor together, and I'd descended him there slowly. He sat with his legs folded under, more rolled onto his thigh. I hugged him from the side, and his arms were around me like that, too. The side of his face was on my collarbone. An awkward embrace, but it was all we needed.

"Is that what you couldn't tell me?" I asked, after a while, when his breathing was more regular. He quickly nodded, his eyes still closed, trying to calm himself. I was so proud of him. I kissed his forehead. "That's okay, baby. You can tell me things like this. You don't need to hide. Please tell me things like this, okay? I don't want any secrets. I'll tell you anything, too. I don't want us to hide..." That choke in my throat was back, but I tried to swallow it down.

"Okay," he agreed, a kind of breathy whisper. He wasn't doing well. We had to get him home. He'd been right, but I'd had to make sure he was okay first.

"Don't hide from me. I love you. No matter what it is."

He nodded quickly again. Was it really okay? My arms went tighter around him. Trying to show my love. Even if I was sad, I still loved him. There was no change.

A small, raking breath came from him. My eyebrow went up. "I love you... Too..." He gasped a little bit.

"Sana..." My eyes opened wide at this.

"I made myself... Have an asthma... Attack..."

The familiarity of this. Suddenly, such a normal feeling. Like a light switch was turned on, and everything was right where I left it. "That's okay, baby. I'll get your inhaler."

"O...kay..."

His shy okays. They weren't any different than the ones he usually gave me. All those times I'd heard them. Seen his small, quiet smile. A teasing at the corner of his lips like he was trying to stop himself, the flick down of his eyes, the blush on his cheeks that would bloom when I caught it. His "Okays" were just the same. There was nothing to be scared of.

I got up, leaning him against the door gently. I dashed to his purse that had been dropped to the floor too carelessly. My fingers went through its contents, everything I knew so well. My hand alighted on a small box, and fished out the metal and plastic inhaler in seconds.

I knew how to do this. Nothing seemed so foreign anymore.

I thrust his inhaler to him, and he took it in shaking hands. I'd do anything to make that shaking go away. The same thing I always thought.

As I watched him take some puffs, this time on his own, I couldn't help but think things were okay. That, despite these past couple of days, we were fine. We might need some healing, and that would take time. These gates we opened, they didn't feel entirely closed, and it sent up a bunch of mixed feelings that were piling up. He was right about that. But, despite everything, we were together. We'd have each other, and I'd protect him.

I realized, as I watched him breath in clean, healthy air, that what he'd done so bravely just now was protect me. Telling me, letting me into his world. Warning me of the dangers so that we could make a better and careful decision. He'd done so much for me just now, and had been struggling with that information.

It made me want to cry. There wasn't anything mean about it, or trying to deny how I felt. He'd tried to be gentle with me. Telling me the truth, and that was the bravest...

I found myself hugging him again, pulling him close. His head went to my neck, his lovely blonde wig smoothly against my skin. Felt him hug me like this, because this time I was the one crying. Crying with abandon, finally understanding the meaning of his words.

I can't have one. I can't have a baby.