In the late afternoon, it was quiet in the house. The TV was on low, keeping Sawai-san company as she straightened things up. There'd been a lot of people here up until this morning, so there was a lot to do. But, I stayed on the couch, holding Sana as I had been all day. He'd been not speaking much, and I knew this had to be caused by many things.

Seeing him last night, the concern on his face. He wasn't happy about us talking about our future. He'd been smiling at me, but his eyes didn't follow. A deep sadness was behind those eyes, telling me things that his mouth never could.

I know I can't have one. I can't have a baby.

He'd told me that. I'd heard it, tried to analyze it. It tried to break my hope, and it was strong. There were so many other things, too. Such as, I know he is a man. I know that a lot of men would never think about things like this, carrying a child. What did he think about that?

And me. I think... I think, if I could... I would carry our child. I'd do it, no questions asked. But, that's just me. I know I'm not a typical man. I don't think the way they do. My feelings, they drift over the heads of what others think. What people would normally do...

I can't even think of it in terms of Aurelia and myself. It goes beyond that, just like when I held my white lace cover up. It enters a different realm, a reality. No daydreams, no fakeness, like Aurelia is. It leaves me with one thing: just me. My feelings. My thoughts. Naked.

And I think, when I enter that realm... I only know peace. These thoughts. It is a happy place.

I've known for a long time, that if I ever had a child, that I might want to be called "mom". How happy that makes my heart. I don't know why. I can't make sense of it. But, that word. It makes a happiness from my toes to the tips of my hair. A loving happiness.

And if our child would want to call me a different name, something like "papa" or "daddy", I wouldn't mind either. These are things that children call their parents. But... Nothing else rings true to me like "mom." How that makes me feel. That completeness, something inside of me. That warmth in my heart. How correct it feels.

To think, that some day, Sana's child could call me that. It gives me the most blissful feeling. Like anything could happen, the world going slow and beautiful, a new sunrise where there's all these possibilities. Like we can hear the sun singing a song of joy, if we just listen hard enough. If we lean in, we can hear the whole morning singing to us. Only good things, from now on.

That hopeful feeling. This beautiful feeling.

I'd felt that way all day. As soon as he said "okay" last night, he opened those doors. My dream might become a reality. We have reservations, we know it could be hard. But, there was the possibility, and that's all I could ask for. A one in a million chance, and if we could take that chance? If we could have that reward?

I'd try so hard. I'd do anything. To have a child with him, it was my everything. To spread our love. To spread our love, there were no words anymore.

The idea of walking down any road, going anywhere, our child sitting on my shoulders as I held their hands, Sana next to me, traveling anywhere together. This happy, little family all our own. I found it's all I wanted in the whole world. This happy little family.

Now that the gates had been opened, it's all I could think about. Images of joy. I knew there would be difficulties. There were realities, but right now I wanted to let myself have some joy. Don't think about those things. Leave that for later. Revel in the possibilities.

Maybe, it was only one possibility in a million. Maybe, all the others were the gate closing. He'd said, "I can't have a baby." There were health issues in the way. But, so many people with health issues have babies successfully. And, not only that, there was adoption, too. There were so many possibilities, in reality. We didn't need to stop trying if a biological one was closed to us. There were so many children who needed a loving home.

"Tetsu."

We could try in so many ways. We didn't have to stop. If we wanted to have a family, we could-

"Tetsu, your cellphone is ringing."

I jumped a little. Below me, Sana was peering up from my chest. His arms were wrapped around me as I leaned against the back of the couch. Too lost in my daydream.

"O- Oh!" I gasped, patting at my pocket as my other arm held him tightly to me. Now I heard it, felt it rumbling in my pocket, too. I must have been more far gone than I thought. He was smiling at me, an easy smile. One that I loved, his eyes following his lips. The love in his eyes.

I brought my cellphone in front of us, and saw it was Natsuko calling. I swiped to answer, and her voice was immediately in our ears on speaker.

"Oh-hh shit," she gasped, and something large and heavy crashed nearby.

"Do you have it?" Haru asked hurriedly, more loud sounds.

"No, I don't," she answered, clearly out of breath.

"What was that?!" My mom called out from somewhere far away.

"Nothing!" Natsuko called back in a sing-song voice.

"I can help if-"

"We're fine!"

"I don't want your mom helping. She could get injured."

"I agree. That wouldn't be good."

"Hello?" I asked, cautiously.

"Oh! Oh, good!" Natsuko said, pinpointing on me. "Where did you put your suitcase?! We're in your closet. We don't want to ruin anything by tearing around."

"It's upstairs in your closet, in your old room."

The sound of clapping appeared. "Good. Now I don't need to ruin anything in here. We dropped a huge trunk. It was super heavy. I hope there wasn't anything breakable."

"It was probably some Lyra sheet music. My notebooks. I put them in a trunk," Sana explained, sounding kind. He always was. I squeezed him more, which brought out more of that smile. I wanted to kiss him, full of all this love.

"I hope I didn't ruin it. I better look."

"Nah, you can't ruin it. It's pretty hardy."

"Okay, good." She let out a tired breath. "We'll go upstairs and look. I wanted to go over what you want me to pack. I'm taking the last train up there tonight, so I'd better hurry. I still have my stuff to pack."

"Sorry we couldn't give you more notice," I said.

"Oh, I'm okay. I better get used to it, right? With the tour? I don't know what it's going to be like, so I better be ready for anything."

I nodded, pressing my lips together, trying to make my smile a little smaller. She had no idea.

"What's the weather going to be like?" Sana asked.

"We'd better check," I said, realizing this. He was so right. What was it going to be like? It was Hokkaido, too. Would it be colder? No way, not in the summer, right? It was August. But, it was hard to predict...

"I'll check it," Haru offered.

"Thank you."

Natsuko made effort noises, and I heard the closet doors shut with a satisfying slide and clunk as they met in the middle.

"Okay, let's go." Natsuko was still making noises like she was an old grandma being asked to get out of her chair to do something. She must have been pretty tired already. I appreciated her so much.

We didn't hear anything for a bit, until the familiar creak of our stairs. "The weather is going to be cooler, and it will rain," Haru said all of a sudden.

"Rain, huh?" Natsuko asked. "Does Sana have a rain coat?"

He was nodding, his head rubbing on my chest. "I do, but we can't get to it. My area is still blocked by flooding."

"Ah, shoot. We can buy one, I bet. That's not a problem." The creaking stopped, which meant they must have gotten to the second floor.

"We bought one the other day," I said, but immediately regretted it. "Oh, but. That's not appropriate. It'd be too heavy for a summer rain."

"We can get one tomorrow," Natsuko said, and a door squealed open. It squealed a couple of more times. "Wow, you all don't go in here much, do you? That squeak."

"I don't know if mom does, but we don't."

"Right, right. Hmm. Let's see. Closet. Suitcase." There was a slight pause.

"It's there. I see it," Haru said. "Here, I'll get it. It's on the top. See it? Your dad must have put it there."

"Ah, there it is. Good eye."

There was a lot of shuffling. During this, Sana nuzzled into my chest more, causing such a beautiful feeling again. I looked down at him, and his eyes were closed, but that smile. It was still there. His eyebrows were slightly raised, his face full of bliss. I wanted to take him away. Take him somewhere peaceful and warm, where we could have anything in the world. Give him the world. My head descended down, and I kissed the top of his hairline. This gave me another small nuzzle, another blip of that wonderful feeling.

"There, got it down," Haru said. There was a clicking, the wheels meeting floor. "This thing's a beast, isn't it? It isn't modern. Too heavy for that. Where'd you get this thing, Sana?"

"Thrift store," he said simply. I felt his jaw moving.

Natsuko made an agreeing noise. "Makes sense. Maybe I should go shopping in one. They seem to have a lot of good stuff."

"Don't bring anything else into our house. You shop a lot. I'm serious," Haru said in a joking way.

She picked it up, luckily. She didn't always. "Well, Doctor, you make a big salary so I have to spend it all. I'm sorry, that's not my problem. Maybe if you didn't make so much money-"

He started laughing, so cute. "Okay, okay. Don't talk about money."

"Well, okay then," she said in a fake huff.

He laughed for a little bit longer, seeming to find himself again. It was so adorable, their interaction like this. I often only saw it from her side, since they were on the phone a lot more than they actually got to be together. I appreciated this all the more, her doing something for me when she was spending precious time with her husband.

"Alright, so what do you want me to pack? Is there any more of your stuff in here? There is, right? How many days are we going to be there?"

"Two days. So, two outfits each. Oh, but maybe..." Hmm. That was something to think about. The weather was so unpredictable. It could get cold. I wouldn't want Sana to be cold, it would break my heart. "Hmm. Maybe more than that. You never know what could happen."

"Now you sound like my brother! Shall I pack your whole wardrobe?" Natsuko said, like she was announcing someone royal into the room.

I couldn't help but laugh. As I chanced to look down, I saw Sana staring up at me, about to laugh, too. He was so gorgeously cute. I never wanted to stop holding him.

"We don't need all that," he answered her, his voice skipping a little like rocks on a lake in his giggle. I wanted to poke his cheek and make him smile more.

"Pack a layer, then. You know what I mean? Something like a cardigan to cover up in case it gets cold. I wouldn't want Sana to be cold." I squeezed him a little, trying to show my meaning. My love, surging through me like nothing else I'd ever felt. The edges of his eyes went tight, that delicate gesture, like they were about to close except he was stopping them, his smile too much almost to control. His true joy. I wanted to kiss that part of him.

"That's pretty sensible. You really are so responsible." There was the sound of shuffling again, hard to make out what she was doing.

"I try to be." I couldn't help it anymore. I lowered down, and kissed Sana's forehead. This got me the best reward. He made the tiniest noise, this happy little squeal. It made my heart melt and made me want to keel over, declare he'd murdered me with this tiny noise. Dying of cuteness, as he'd say it. Instead, I was grinning. Out of control, it might never leave my face.

"Okay, I'm going to go pack. Wow, it's getting pretty late. I better go. Talk to you later. Thanks for showing me where the suitcase is."

"It was nothing. Okay, bye. Get here safely."

"Bye bye," Sana said in English, like he was drifting around the moon. Such a blissful voice.

"Bye bye," Natsuko repeated. We heard Haru say good-bye somewhere in the distance.

The phone hung up, and I flung it aside. It bounced off the arm of the couch, dropping on the cushion next to me face up. My hand went to Sana's cheek, cupping it dearly, lifting it slightly. His eyes were searching me, curious and gorgeous, like glittering chocolate diamonds.

"You're beautiful," I told him, no questions, final as a fact.

The diamonds sparkled as his eyes filled with water. The smile was hesitant, but it came true. I lowered to him, and his pucker met my lips. Everything I wanted, had been waiting for during that five minute phone call. It felt like ages.

This kiss, it felt like it had been forever. Having to wait, but I'd wait always for him. I'd do anything to make him happy.