-October 2013-

"Why do you turn everything into a joke?"

In the darkness of my bedroom, Shion's eyes were being illuminated by a streetlight peeking in between my blinds. They looked even bigger like this. She'd just asked me the most forbidden question. I had no answer.

To be honest, I wanted to go to sleep. It had been a very long day. She was naked under my covers, relaxed with her head on a bunch of pillows. We'd had sex, and this had made me even more tired. I didn't want her to leave, but I would have liked her to be a little nicer.

She stared at me fiercely, and I gave her a blank look. What else could I give?

She gave another one of her sighs. She was doing that a lot lately. I admit it, it was true that I wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. But, we knew from the get-go that I wasn't the type to lavish affection and love on someone. We had clear ground rules. She didn't want that either. At least. I thought so back then...

"I know you're going through something. Let me rephrase that. That sounded harsh, I'm sorry. I'm not actually mad at you. I'm frustrated."

Oh. Okay. I relaxed a little. She took in a large breath. I prepared myself.

"I know you're going through something. Obviously, you're going to be focused on that. I know I've been involved with Hexen's activities a lot lately, too. I feel like we're drifting apart, maybe. Do you want to talk about that?"

Drifting apart? We had sex two or three times per week. We practically lived at each other's apartments. But, I didn't want to open my mouth and say the wrong thing. I was being shoved in a corner. It didn't feel like there was a right answer.

She waited a bit, and the longer we paused, the more backed into a corner I felt. Her hand shoved into her hair, and then the other one. She stopped looking at me, and stared forward, curling on herself a little bit.

"I mean, is it just me?" She asked. "Do I only feel this way? How do you feel?"

The more questions she asked, the more impossible it got to say anything to her. I accidentally made a noise in my throat, and she looked up. Trapped. My mouth opened, and I hoped she didn't see my deer caught in headlights eyes.

"I m- mean..." I started. "We get together a lot."

"Emotionally, Nobu. Are we drifting apart emotionally?"

Emotionally? I didn't know. I decided to try something. I shifted in my position, uncomfortable on so many levels. Why was she asking me this? Why couldn't we just be happy? Why did it have to be complicated? My hand slipped out from under the covers, and found her knee. I squeezed it a little. Her face softened finally. Maybe that's what she'd wanted.

"Are we breaking up?" I asked. She squinted her eyes at me, her mouth going very small. Her disappointed face. I grinned at her. Big mistake.

"You're not even my boyfriend. You've made that very clear. I can't believe you're joking right now!" She burst into shouting.

Crap. I made a big mistake. Trying to lighten the mood, but...

"You're always joking! You can't take anything seriously! You can't even open up to me about what's going on! Yes, we've been drifting apart emotionally, because you won't open up! We get together all the time, but we never really talk about anything with substance! You didn't even tell me that you're going through a hard time! I want to know these things, Nobu! I don't want you to joke about it and make it go away!" The last sentence. Her voice broke with it. A shaking of tears, vulnerability that she hadn't meant to show. That I knew about her.

I waited for her to go on. There was no way she meant for me to talk now.

"I mean, fuck, Nobu!" She gasped, her voice still raised, frustrated, but no longer angry. She sniffed hard, then wiped her eyes in an aggressive way. "I hate girls who do this! Yelling and screaming all the time, chasing after their guy. Why are you making me like this?! Why are you doing this?! I can't figure it out!"

How could I talk now? There was no way.

"I mean, are you going to say anything?" She asked. "Am I going to be the one doing all the talking? We used to be open with each other. Remember that? Where did that go?"

I was trying to decide if I should respond and say the wrong thing, or embrace her and try to kiss her and physically do the wrong thing. Did she realize she was creating a no-win situation? But, her face had softened when I'd grabbed her knee. Is that what she wanted? Maybe there was another way to communicate here.

"Are you even hearing what I'm-!"

I moved my body, going towards her. My arm wrapped around her, and I brought her close. Her hands ended up pressed to my chest, unable to move. Her breath was on my shoulder, her mouth obscured. Her soft hair was against my cheek. I laid her down, and moved to get more on top of her. Trying my best to get into a good position, to kiss her.

"No," she mumbled into my shoulder.

I kissed her cheek hard, and kissed her hair.

"No, no," she mumbled more, dissolving into tears. "I hate myself. I hate this."

I released her a little, and she stared up at me. The streetlight was making her tears sparkle like in the lyrics of a song. I rubbed one away with my thumb. She shuddered in her breath, trying to control herself.

"Why can't you talk to me?" She asked, her voice too high, like a wounded animal, but much quieter than before. "Why can't you just talk to me?"

"I don't know."

"Wrong answer," she sniffled, her eyes casting downward, confirming my fears.

I kissed her forehead and she allowed this. Her whole body jumped as she made a small suppressed sob. I kissed her cheek as my head tilted, trying to show her how I felt. Hoping that would be enough. There were feelings there, but no matter what I said, it wouldn't be the right thing. To my great relief, she pecked me on the cheek in return. I took this as my cue. My hands found her cheeks, and I drew her closer. She was waiting as my lips discovered hers, and took in a long breath as I descended her to her pillows, the force of my kiss so great that it made us fall together.

"I love you, though," she mumbled as I kissed her neck. Her cheek was against my hair, and I felt her speak as she said it. "I love you, so..." She was crying again.

I wanted to make her feel better in the way I knew how. The only way I had left.

She was still with me in the morning. My alarm went off, telling me it was time to get ready for work. She woke up at the exact moment I did. I turned off the alarm, and we stared at each other. Memories of last night flooded into my head. Her crying, but feeling better as we'd had sex. By the end she was okay, and afterward she'd laid in my arms and fell asleep. It was the way I wanted it to be. But, I was still inadequate. It wasn't what she wanted. I still had no answers.

From what she'd said last night... She didn't want to break up. My inappropriate joke fell flat. Actually, it sounded like she wanted us to be more. I knew she loved me, and I loved her. But, I didn't know what those feelings meant. The truth was, when we'd just been friends it was a lot easier to talk to her. There weren't any obligations. Now, it was complicated.

All I knew was that I loved the intimacy we could share. The tenderness we showed each other during sex. There were times when I'd look at her, seeing her enjoy herself when we went slow, and I felt this softness. It made me want to caress her face and tell her I loved her over and over. It made me want to hold her and never let her go.

But was that my feeling during sex, or did I feel that way all the time? The answer right now was no. In fact, every time I thought about that feeling, I wanted to bunch up my shoulders and my eyes went wide. Wondering about it. It made me deeply uncomfortable.

Surely, this was the answer she was searching for. But, it was absolutely the wrong answer.

It made me so uncomfortable that I wanted to laugh. Burst out laughing, this deeply disturbed feeling inside, confusing me. Knowing she wouldn't take kindly to this. That disappointed look she always gave me nowadays. Knowing I'd be wrong, no matter what.

She gave me a neutral face, sending relief through my whole body. "I'll go make some coffee," she said, no emotion there. She went to get up, and I saw her naked body as she sat on the edge of my bed. Her slight curves, her musculature. The beauty of her, like a painting, bathed in the early morning light like the gods made it for her.

These feelings. Were these the feelings she wanted?

I quickly reached over, moving toward her. My arm managed to hook around her front, and she fell backward in a controlled way. Her head landed on my chest, face up to the ceiling. She turned it to my face.

"What are you doing?" She asked, totally neutral.

"I love you, too." I smiled as I said it, trying to show I meant it. I hadn't said it outside of sex. Surely this was the feeling she wanted. The perfect words, to show that I cared.

But, instead.

"Don't turn that into a joke, too. I'm so mad at you." She wiggled out of my arms, and sat up again. She got up, finding her clothes on the floor. She pulled on her underwear and black skinny jeans. She stood there, bare chested and beautiful.

"But, I really do...love you." My voice was a lot quieter than I'd meant. Hesitating.

She was so different. When we were having sex, she let herself do things that she'd never do. It was dawning on me now. Whenever I said I loved her during sex, she'd accept it and say she loved me, too. She'd said she loved me outside of sex last night, so I thought if I said it, too...

"I can't believe you're turning this into a joke." She leaned down aggressively and picked up her t-shirt. She threw it on and mussed up her hair, making it magically fall into place. I watched it all, drinking her in. She had no idea that the more she moved, the blurrier she got.

She strode out of the room, slamming the door with her.

I laid there, half covered by my messed up blanket. Spread out, like she'd left me. Not moving.

I had no idea what she wanted. There weren't any answers. It drove me crazy, not knowing what she wanted me to say. These magic words. Somehow, magic words that would make everything okay again.