"HOW CAN YOU SAY HE DIDN'T NEED TO GO?! IT WAS HIS BLOOD PRESSURE! THAT'S WHAT CAUSES HIM TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK! WHAT IF WE HADN'T TAKEN HIM AND LISTENED TO YOU?! I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN!"

My breath was sputtering, my eyes pressed tightly closed. Even with Tetsu's hands over my ears, Yami's voice was too loud.

"Can I get a word in?!" Yokohara-sensei said over speaker phone, trying to talk over him.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK TO US!"

"Yami, give me the phone," Tetsu said, exasperated, tired. One hand left my ear, and he gestured rapidly to him. Yami let out a kind of growl of frustration, and the phone was in Tetsu's hand. "We finally get you on the line, and all he wants to do is yell. But, Yokohara-sensei, I can understand where he's coming from. We've been stressed for the past four days, and to find out it was something this serious. I need an explanation."

"Believe me, I'm trying to," she sighed. "I understand the anger, as well, and I truly apologize, but what your mom said isn't right. She mistook my words. Maybe we shouldn't have texted instead of called. It was taken completely out of context, and for that I can't apologize enough. Especially to Sana."

"Please tell me what you meant." Tetsu's other hand left my ear, and I could hear fully again. I wanted to hear it, too. "I've been agonizing over these past days about your instructions. I won't even begin to tell you what I thought you meant."

Yokohara-sensei groaned in shame. "I only meant he shouldn't go to the hospital during the storm. That he might not be seen, if he was presenting stable vital signs. I was worried the hospital would be overloaded, and I was right. People were being turned away left and right. I shouldn't be telling you that, but it's the truth. I told Sawai-san that I thought he might be more comfortable at home if his symptoms were what he's been presenting lately, or the ones I'd seen the last time I saw him. Those symptoms won't hurt him, such as being confused due to sleeping too much. But, what you're telling me is completely new, and I could have told you they were signs of high blood pressure. A heart doesn't need to be rapidly beating for it to be high. There's other signs. I want them to send you home with a blood pressure cuff. There's even more sophisticated devices that could be better these days, but for now that will work. Sana knows how to use it, and I know Nobu does."

Tetsu let out a long sigh. All of his air going out. His poor face was still stressed. He shook his head slowly, as I'd seen him do yesterday before he started crying. I'd do anything to prevent that from happening again.

"But, why isn't he hungry? Does high blood pressure cause that, too?" His voice was a little weaker. My hand rose up, and I poked his chin. He looked down, but he didn't smile at me this time.

"It can make him feel sick enough that he wouldn't want to eat, I'm sure. When you feel very sick, do you want to eat?" This was logical. She was absolutely right. I'd felt like I was on a rollercoaster for hours, too in my symptoms to eat. There was no desire. My head felt like it had been full of water, a headache raging. My whole body felt like all the water in it was rising and falling like waves, going back and forth. The dizziness came last, after dinner. I still felt like this a bit, but it was fading thankfully from the medication I'd been given.

"I suppose not..." Tetsu admitted slowly, vulnerable. "It does make sense."

"I promise to call instead of texting from now on. In fact, I forbid texting between us. It can be misconstrued. I want my information to always be clear. If I tell you something, I want there to be no way to doubt my meaning. If you ask me something, I want to know positively what you mean so I can help my best. Can we agree? It's the solution. I can't believe this happened. I'm so sorry." She was beating herself up even though she was trying to help. It was all over her voice.

"I thought you were giving up on me," I offered, trying to tell her what everyone had said before. She had to know. My feelings weren't hurt by it. I still had that strange feeling of peace. Almost wishing that what we thought she'd said was true. But, from their reactions to what they misinterpreted from Sawai-san, I knew I could never tell them this. That I'd felt so at peace. Knowing she was going to leave me alone, and let me sleep.

I recognized this feeling. I was smart enough to know. It was a despair, something without words. Accepting my death, going towards it as an inevitable, taking the pressure off me. Letting it happen, not fighting it. I was tired of fighting. Too tired for anything these days. Sleeping all the time. If I went in my sleep, wasn't that the best thing? Let me sleep, so I wasn't terrified anymore.

"Ohhh, Sana..." She groaned even worse in shame. "No-o, no, I'd never... Oh, Sana, is that what you thought? I'm so sorry. Ohh my god... I'm so sorry. I'll never give up on you. There's nothing to give up on! Don't think that! Ohh... Ohh no..." Now she was really beating herself up.

"We need to be careful about what we say," Yami said sharply from the corner of the room. I saw Tetsu nod at him, his eyebrows raised in shock. I realized why.

"You didn't think I heard you," I said, quieter. "I'm sorry. I heard you talking to Sawai-san about it."

Warmth surrounded me quickly, and a familiar weight. Tetsu's arms and chest, his chin on my shoulder as I laid on my back, diving on me, hugging me so tightly. I knew he was apologizing before he could say it. There wasn't anything to apologize for.

"I'm sorry," he sniffled. Those tears I suspected earlier were falling. My hand went to his back, rubbing as best I could. He didn't need to cry.

The fact of the matter was, this whole thing had made me realize something. For years, I'd been in grief. First angry, then in denial for a long time. Then this unbearable sadness for even longer of a time. Feeling like I was a burden on others, mad at myself for causing them stress and pain. Scared to make friends, because they'd only get hurt. Trying to kill myself over and over, before my disease could take me first. Trying to find some kind of control, my version of bargaining.

But now...

"Don't be sorry. I'm okay." So calm. Like a pond without wind. This gentle knowing, even if Yokohara-sensei's words hadn't been true. This releasing of me. For a few days, we thought she'd relaxed her grip, and that was... It was the most freedom I'd ever felt. Maybe if I ignored her words, I could still feel free. This freedom of no more worrying about how bad my symptoms were getting. No longer caring if this or that was getting worse, it would happen and that was okay. It was okay for me to die, and I could rest. I wanted to rest. I wanted to rest so badly that I could cry and never stop, weeping to let anyone know that's what I really wanted. No more, no more. If I really looked inside, it was there. That desire. All it took was a few words out of context to realize.

Feeling Tetsu's body on mine. Knowing his love. I was grateful. I wanted him so much, for his touch to never end. But, if I was dying, then I could say good-bye. If we acknowledged it, then we could prepare. I'd gone to the hospital for something serious again. What if it had been the final time? How would I have said good-bye?

Before I knew it, there were tears. Thinking about this part of it. Not being able to say good-bye and thank you to him. To anyone. It was the most horrible thing.

He eased up a bit, and stared at my face. My tears. "You're not okay," he said, his voice breaking. "You're not okay..." He kissed my forehead and hugged me again, his head going over my shoulder, burying into my pillow.

"I don't know what to do to make this right," Yokohara-sensei said, the phone now abandoned on the bed. Yami took this as his cue, and he dashed over and grabbed it.

"The fact of the matter is, we can't. We've lost a little faith," he told her, no beating around the bush. She made a stricken sound and was silent. After a pause for her to respond, he went on. "I know it isn't your fault, but my mom said she texted you to try to get some help and that's what you told her. She tried to get help at the beginning of this mess."

"I know. I know that." Yokohara-sensei's voice was little pinched in her emotion. Her throat tight. "I didn't know he was having new symptoms. I didn't know, but that isn't an excuse. I shouldn't have been so casual about it. I was wrong."

"What can we do about it?"

She was quiet for a few moments. Only the sound of Tetsu's sniffles in my ear. I wanted to comfort him somehow, but my words wouldn't be much better. I had nothing to say that would comfort anyone right now.

"I just..." She hesitated, sounding much younger than her forty-five years. "Doctors aren't perfect. We make mistakes. Oh no, I shouldn't say-" Her fast apology wasn't quick enough.

"NOT PERFECT?!" Yami blew up again. "NOT PERFECT MEANS SANA COULD DIE!"

She was pleading on the phone, but it was overtaken by his words. But, how true her words were. She'd made mistakes in the past, though not this serious. Little misdiagnoses that were later corrected when we found out the real problem. This was a constant throughout our history, and we'd joked about it, her and I. Little taunts, and she'd taunt me back with my less desirable personality traits, mainly my stubbornness. It seemed like fun and games compared. But now...

I knew my illness wasn't an exact science. It was often mysterious, and we were on this journey together. She could be just as mystified as me. The reality was, another doctor would be just as caught in the dark. This illness might be unique to me, a general disorder of my own endocrine system, my body choosing to do what it wanted. It might be genetic, due to the nature of how it presented and what was inherently wrong, but we didn't know for sure. Really, we didn't know anything. And that wasn't her fault.

It just wasn't her fault. None of it.

"It's not her fault," I whispered, knowing Tetsu could hear me because of how close his ear was to my mouth. "Tell him it's not her fault. Please." My own sniffles mixed with his, wanting Yami to stop yelling. Reminding me of my mom, how she used to yell at me for things that weren't my fault. Flashes of memory, utter terror. Things I couldn't control either.

He straightened up immediately. His mouth was open, his eyes wild in realization at my tone. "Yami, stop it, you're scaring Sana! Stop yelling!" He gasped, making to go over to him.

"I CAN'T! SHE NEEDS TO KNOW! IF SHE'S NOT PERFECT, WE'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO IS!"

"Stop it, that's not what Sana needs! He needs someone who knows him! You've said that before yourself! Stop this right now! She made a mistake, and that's not her fault! It might be your mom's fault for misunderstanding! It's all a misunderstanding! You need to stop!"

He let out a shout of rage, and threw his phone in Tetsu's direction. He tried to grab it in the air, but it impacted on my bed. "Yami, you almost hit Sana with your phone!" Now he was mad. His face said it all. It was the same face I'd seen when we were at Fleeting World, when he'd wanted him and Nobu to stop fighting.

Yami threw his hands in the air, marching out of the room. He slammed the door, making us both jump, and that was it. Tetsu fumbled for Yami's phone, and I made myself smaller, trying to help. He reached over me, and finally grabbed it.

When he flipped it over, we saw that the call had ended. Had she hung up on us, or had the impact done something? I had to decide it was the latter. She wouldn't hang up on us, not right now.

"I'm going to call her back," Tetsu said, already tapping on the phone.

I didn't want that, though. He'd done enough. It was over. She understood that he and I didn't blame her. Let Yami be angry and then cool down. He'd come apologize soon enough, it was his pattern.

As I raised my arms, I realized I wasn't the only one who was tired. His sad eyes. If there was anything I could do to make him smile, I would do it. "Come here," I said, "it's okay."

"Okay," he agreed.

There were still tears on his face. I'd kiss every one of them away. In a moment, he was in my arms. He tossed the phone up the bed, and his knees came next, crowding me a little. He plopped down next to me, and my arms overtook him finally. His fingers went to my face, soft touches on my cheeks. I turned it to him, and before I could say another word, his gentle kiss was my entire universe, erasing any despair I had.