There was chocolate cake taste in my mouth as I tried hard to watch TV. Sawai-san was trying so hard to cheer me up, so I wanted to make an effort, too. But, she had no idea that I don't like chocolate cake. She told me she set out to make the most comforting food she knew how to make, and it was her famous chocolate cake from when Yami was a kid. It seemed to have worked for Yami, and I was appreciative, but it wasn't working for me.

It only reminded me of how foreign this all was. How lost, alone, I'd felt ever since last night. In reality, I wanted my mom. But, that was insulting to Sawai-san. We needed to be here, because Keitaro wanted us to have a meeting soon. But, all I wanted was to bring Sana home.

When Sawai-san turned us down last night, saying no, Sana wouldn't be getting as much help as we thought he needed, there was a quiet in me. Like someone had slapped me across the face and taken my breath away. Even if I wanted to say words, I had no way to express them. There just wasn't anything there, my mind blank. Like someone had erased the world.

It reminded me of how I felt that morning when I'd found Sana apparently lifeless. That nothingness. This strange thing which had appeared and I knew was there, but that I'd tried to run away from with every part of myself.

He wasn't doing well today, either. He wasn't in pain, as far as I could tell, but he wasn't able to talk much. He was so tired, but it was obvious he was trying to stay awake. I wanted to tell him it was okay, he could go to sleep. I'd be here, I'd protect him. It was the late afternoon, but he could go to sleep. I tried to coax him there, but his eyes would snap open and stare up at me, his eyes only partially open as his head lounged on a pillow on my lap, breaking my heart. He was determined, trying to go along with what Yokohara-sensei had said about his sleeping. But, what I wanted to know was... was what she'd said about his sleeping pattern even relevant anymore? Were we still supposed to follow that?

So much had changed in such a short time. Her loosening of her reins, telling us he shouldn't go to hospital even when he wasn't feeling well. If he was stable, he shouldn't go? But, what if his not feeling well was an indication of something more serious? We'd found so many things by taking him to the hospital. His thyroid problem, for one. He wouldn't even be on this new medication if we hadn't taken him there.

Did she mean it wasn't important to diagnose him anymore? That what would happen would happen, and we should just let him... Maybe what Yami was saying was right. Maybe, she was giving up on him. That didn't sit well with me. But, Sawai-san had told us that wasn't the case. The purpose was to make Sana feel more comfortable, not having to go to the hospital all the time when it might not be necessary. He could stay home with us instead, ride out his symptoms, and feel better tomorrow.

Except, he wasn't feeling better. This was now day three. His pain symptom had improved, but he was still so weak, so tired even though he was trying to fight it. That wasn't normal.

What had she meant when she'd said this might be his new normal? He'd been sleeping a lot before this, it was true. But, I thought we'd come up with a solution. I thought she said it was because he was sleeping so much that he felt like he needed to sleep more. Is that not what she'd meant? Was she instead trying to regulate his sleeping, despite his feeling a need to sleep all the time? What did she really mean about all of this?

But at the same time, there was a new aversion to calling her. A doubt in seeking her advice. Was she taking a step back? Did she not want us to call her anymore? Did she want us to take a step back, too, and not wonder, but let happen whatever would happen?

He wasn't doing well. I wanted to take him in my arms and rush him to the hospital despite it being overloaded from the storm. Make them help him, to prove she was wrong. I knew Yami felt the same way. But, what would we find? We'd gone to the hospital before, and found nothing. Would it be like that? A stirring of tickling was in my chest, like when my foot is asleep and is trying to become awake. Like when I'm on a rollercoaster and we go down a hill suddenly.

If we took him to a hospital when he was otherwise stable, would they find nothing? Is that what she'd meant? That, there wasn't anything we could do, despite our best efforts?

Was it true, that he was dying and there was nothing we could do?

I found myself shaking my head slowly. The TV was blurry, and so was the rest of my living room. My eyes closed, overly warm. A shuddering breath went through me.

It couldn't be true, right? I knew Yokohara-sensei had said back in December that she'd diagnosed him as terminal at the age of twenty-three and he was on borrowed time. I knew, a few months later, she'd mistakenly told me over the phone he was declining and she could plainly see that as a doctor. But, I admit I had denied this. Always with a smile, looking toward the sun, hoping she was wrong. Hoping she was wrong without words, this feeling inside which was a constant.

But... If the sun was going away from the earth, there'd still be people who would say it felt warmer some days. They'd say it appeared bigger in the sky, pointing towards its still bright rays. Despite what they'd say, though, the sun would still be going away forever. Maybe, I'd been one of those people.

Masaki had said once that it would be more fair to Sana to admit he was sick. I wonder now what he would say if we had to admit that he was dying. Would his opinion be the same?

A sharp shuddering breath came out of me. My hand went over my mouth, trying to hide it.

It wasn't fair. After so long, I'd finally found him. He'd found me so long ago, but he never said anything. I never even knew he existed. Now, we were together, but this was happening? Where was our future? How long did he have? Yokohara-sensei's conversation with Sawai-san had changed everything, and now I had these questions. I didn't want to have these questions.

It was making me dizzy. I didn't want to think about this. I thought if we tried hard, we could defy Yokohara-sensei's expectations. Hadn't he taken this thyroid medicine before and gotten back to normal? Isn't that how it worked? Why wasn't it working? Instead, he was getting worse. He was more tired than before, getting confused. What was causing this?

A long time ago, I'd sat on a couch in his apartment wondering what was going on in his body to make him so tired. So tired, that he'd fallen asleep mid-conversation with me. He was so tired, that he fell asleep despite being so excited to go on a date with me. Now I knew what was going on. It was so serious, that no matter what I thought back then I wouldn't have been able to guess at this outcome now.

Not taking him to the hospital when he was like this? Was she crazy? Didn't she understand he could have more time if we tried harder? Didn't she get it? What if he hadn't gone to the hospital back then? He'd be...

Tears were rolling down my cheeks, behind my hands. Hot, large tears, rolling off my chin, crawling down my neck and onto my shirt collar.

If we hadn't gone to the hospital back then, he'd be dead. How was this any different? What if we caught something that could prevent an early death? Did she believe it wasn't worth it? Even if he appeared stable, maybe he wasn't. He might be more comfortable at home if he felt like this, but what if there was something seriously wrong? Did it not matter to her anymore?

A slight poke appeared on my chin. A warm hand tentatively touched mine. My eyes opened and peered downwards. His eyes were slightly open, focused on me. He'd woken up as I was crying. A crease was on his forehead, his lips in his mouth. That look. He was worried about me. Despite everything that was happening with him, he was worried about me.

My hands went away from my face, descending to him. With care, my arms wrapped around his back as I leaned down. With not effort at all, I slid him up to me. He sat on the pillow on my lap as I turned him to me. His arms, slow moving but determined, went around my shoulders, meeting in the middle. His head went on my right shoulder, resting there, his warm cheek pressed to my ear. I wrapped my arms around him, one hand on his shoulder blade and the other at the small of his back. Like this, I tightened them, holding him desperately.

How could she give up? How could she say he didn't need as much care as before, when he was feeling like this? He deserved everything and more. If he was declining, he needed more care, not less. It made no sense to me.

I sniffled, pressing the side of my face to his slightly more. Wanting to be nearer to him, even though we were so near. Wanting to feel his warmth, even though he was so warm. Needing him, because no matter what questions I was asking, Yokohara-sensei had given me a final answer that I didn't want to hear: he was dying, and there was nothing we could do about it. Better for him to be comfortable and among those who loved him, than the cold and loveless space of a hospital. That's what she'd said. And I just... I just wasn't ready.