Even though I tell myself that I have to sleep. Even though I know we both agreed. Even though I know I'm letting Tetsu down. My eyes stare up into the darkness, burning and tired, but the sleep won't come. Awake again at night, messing up everything. But it's so messed up.

In the calmness of the night, my thoughts are here in full and I can't stop them. A desperation. A begging. Emotions mixing with emotions, confused thoughts. No wonder I'm so confused. It's everything all at once, a flood of things, from everywhere in my body. My essence a turmoil of fires. My willingness to stop frayed and fried, electrical wiring everywhere ripped apart.

My body is broken, my joints hurting and splayed out on the bed. I deserve it. There's a million different pictures of Annie in my head of what her accident could have looked like. Her broken body. Or maybe her looking perfect, sleeping on the pavement. How much pain she must have been in. I didn't want to know the details, but she didn't die instantly. She suffered on the street for a few minutes. Was she crying? What was she thinking about? Did she see the sky, or the dirty street?

Did she see the sky?

Choking on my tears, trying to keep quiet. Not breathing, trying to silence myself. Gasping for breath, hyperventilating. Curling in on myself, fetal position. Trying to be safe from myself.

They say in grief, you go through rage. I've never felt an ounce of anger in my position. How could I be mad at her? Why would I sling insults or anything? She didn't do anything. Why did you do this, why did you do that. There's no reason to say those things. I know why. She was trying to see me.

What was she thinking about when she got hit?

I'll never forgive myself. I want to go... I want to go to the park with her and watch her run through the trees, laughing all the time. Watch her hair dance in the wind, this fluffy stuff in the air. Her acid washed jean overalls, her over-sized light purple shirt, her neon sneakers, scrunchie in her hair, another on her wrist.

I want...

Blankness. A darkness, where there was her smile. My brain shut off like a television screen. No more to see. Not allowing myself the view.

Breathing heavily, no control. Coughing, thinking about her and getting out of control. My mind, running away with itself. She's alive in my memories, right there, out of reach. Her neon colored fingernails on her hand, her hand larger than mine and touching me. I can feel her touch, this memory. Sometimes in my dreams, I kiss her, and I feel everything. A memory in the back of my subconscious, this desire that is wrong. Everything is wrong.

A gasp escaped my throat as the light turned on. Tetsu rolled over, and there's guilt all over me. Thinking about Annie, when he's right here. He's everything I ever wanted. But, she's everything I wanted, too, unexpected.

My purse straps were undone with the little clicks of the locks. He rummaged around in my purse, and his weight came back. Gently, he rolled me over. I couldn't look at him. Not when I was thinking about her. What a horrible thing.

He made little tskings, trying to peel my fingers away from my face. I hiccupped.

"Ohh," he cooed so softly. "It's alright. Take your inhaler. You're not okay, baby. It's going to be alright. Here." His familiar tones, soothing something deep inside of me.

Slowly, I let him take my hands down. With careful effort, he pulled me up towards the headboard, propping me up a little. He brought some pillows behind me, to make me comfortable. Without words, his thumb went to below my eyes, wiping my tears. He studied my face, letting me know how precious I was to him. His hair was messy, and he had pillow creases on his face. So beautiful.

"There, darling," he said, easing my inhaler into my mouth. I closed my eyes as I took the puffs, struggling. I breathed deeply, wanting to show him it was working, that his effort was for something. His weight went away again, and my hands went over my face. Able to breathe, it was worse. Small sobs came up like hiccups, like spasms. Quick things, uncontrollable.

He cared about me so much, but all I could think about was her broken body.

Without words again, he took me in his arms. The side of my face went to his neck, and he gathered me onto himself, my legs still bent, but over his legs. We sat together, as he hugged me as tightly as he could, as I cried about someone else.

When I woke up, the sun was high in the sky. I looked up, and Tetsu was on his phone, texting. He didn't notice that I was awake. His expression was so serious. I didn't want to disturb him. He tilted his head, still staring down at his phone. He pressed on it, and his lips went into his mouth adorably. His finger went to his forehead, then back down to his phone. He began typing feverishly again. About what?

My eyes were burning. It was obvious I was still tired. My mind went to what Yokohara-sensei had said, but I couldn't remember what she'd said about my sleep schedule. What was the first phase again?

We both jumped as Tetsu's phone began to ring. "Ah- oh!" He gasped in surprised, almost dropping his phone in panic. His mouth was wide open, shocked. His big eyes glanced over at me and this time he gave a real jump, his shoulders going up in a jerking movement. "Oh- darling! Did I wake you up? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, go back to sleep. It's okay. Yami's calling me- I don't know why, we're texting, and- oh- Should I answer it? I wanted to be quiet." He made some concerned noises. His hand went to my shoulder, squeezing it a little bit. So comforting.

"I was awake. Answer it. I wanted to know what you were texting about. Unless you don't want me to know."

He shook his head wildly. "You can know! It's just about this afternoon. Oh- I should answer it then!" He giggled a little, making me smile. Such an easy thing, this smile. It seemed impossible after last night.

I admired his face as he answered his phone. His eyes gazing at it, his lips pursed in trying to catch it before it hung up. Over so quickly, but precious nonetheless.

"Why did it take you so long to answer?" Yami asked, laughing. "What are you doing?"

When had he gotten so casual in speaking to Tetsu? It sounded almost inappropriate. How often did they talk? My brows creased, wondering this.

Tetsu made a cute sound, erasing my thoughts. A kind of high sound stuck behind his nose, like an adorable character from an anime. "Nothing," he said. My eyes were large from his casual use of that voice. It made me want to squeal, and I was blushing already. He sounded so happy. But, after last night, how was that possible? I'd been...

I was a mess, and he'd fixed me temporarily. Letting me cry, letting me get out what I had to get out. There was more there, but I was okay now. Maybe, he was okay, too, if I could be okay. It was like a fresh wind of a breeze, air in my lungs, realizing this.

"Oh, 'nothing', huh? Is that why I'm on speaker phone? Hi, Sana."

"Hi," I said shyly, still blushing.

Yami cleared his throat. "So, you want to discuss the tour? Sana, are you okay with that? How are you feeling?"

"I feel okay." My voice was so small. Tetsu gazed over at me, and my eyes were locked on his lips. The shape of them. The gentle bending slope under his bottom lip. My blush increased. I was in trouble. I tried to look anywhere else.

"Sounds good," Yami went on. "I was bringing some of my buddies down there today, anyway. We're going to install your central air! It's all over there, but we're going to install it. It's an exciting day. Lots to do. Don't worry, they know what they're doing. They have a background in HVAC. I know about it, myself. They'll be doing the majority of it, though. It'll be on the left side of backyard of your house. Anyway, we can discuss the tour. There's a lot to discuss, really. As I said, Lyra's been talking. Keitaro, too. Finalizing what we want to do. We want to hear your ideas, too, both of you. We heard some of it, but. We need to make concrete plans, so we can start practicing."

Tetsu was looking at me as Yami was speaking. There was a casualness to his face, but he was studying me, no mistake. His hand drifted down to my forehead, and I stared up at him as he did it. His fingers trailed under my jawbone, clearly checking my temperature.

"That all sounds good. I'm excited. Sounds like we'll get a lot done today, in so many ways," he said, almost answering absentmindedly now. His focus was on me. It made my blush increase impossibly more.

"We'll be over there by 9AM, I'm sure," Yami said, not detecting this change. Too determined, as he always was. Always going forward, a good trait. "Crap, it's so early. I didn't realize. Did I call you too early?"

"No, it's okay. 9AM sounds great, but I think we'll join you in the early afternoon as we discussed, if that's alright?" Tetsu swept my bangs up, and I blinked a long blink in the pleasure. When my eyes opened, he was smiling down, magic on his face. Dazzling me. Sparkling in his eyes. "I want Sana to sleep a little more, and we'll have breakfast and lunch. A good start to the day."

"Yeah," Yami agreed, no hesitance. "Yeah, that sounds good. Solid plan. I like it."

"Okay. See you then," Tetsu said, maybe a little quickly.

"See you," Yami repeated after him.

They hung up, and Tetsu put his phone on his bedside table. He came back, leaning to me. His hand went into my hair, sweeping against my cheek in a trail, as he slid down the bed to be face level with me. His head found a pillow, and he nuzzled in close to me, smiling all the time.

I was mesmerized. He was amazing. So strong, resilient. Supporting me last night, and all business today. He was-

Warmth overtook my lips, and a long moan came from my throat, automatic. More pressure, and I responded, pushing my head toward him, needing him. My toes curled, and my arm went around his back, grabbing him closer to me.

He unlocked our lips. "I knew it," he breathed. "I knew it, I knew it." He grinned, his eyebrows lifting as he puckered into another kiss. His hand swept down my shoulder blades, tickling me a little, making butterflies blossom in my chest and flutter their wings a million times.