Laying in bed, I hadn't slept much. Tumbling thoughts. A smile in my mind, a daydream in a memory. Her time was coming soon, and every year it was the same, but strangely more impossible to bear.

My Annie passed away at the end of August. Now it was mid-July, something that was impossible to come around again. How had it been almost a year? Some kind of trick. This cruel joke. Her leather gloved hand reaching out to me in a darkness, coming into the light like a hope emerging. So clear to me, from beyond a veil. Her face would come next, that smile in bold red lipstick. My hand wanted to take hers, feel that softness over mine.

It crept up on me, because I didn't want to think about it. If I ignored the date and the season, then I could somehow get through it enough to not break completely. But knowing it was close... I wanted to grab at my hair and scream, lose myself. Go completely crazy. It was the same pain, the same damn pain from back then. No less, the idea that time would make it go away was an absolute lie. The worst lie.

When you realize it's coming around again, it's a shock. You're never ready. It's like it happens all over again, you replay the events. What could I have done differently? Analyzing her movements, if only I was there. If only I hadn't done this. It's all my fault, because if I'd done this differently, she'd still be here.

I worry that it was inevitable. For her to die like that. That word, die. It makes the breaths come quick, my world to turn off and become another. A panic world of no meanings, colors that make no sense, going down a rabbit hole to the most terrifying thing you've ever seen. No, the word must be replaced. Pass away. Lost. No longer with us. Like it didn't happen at all. Pretending, because if you don't pretend, then how do you get through this world by yourself? That loneliness feeling. We do everything we can to make that loneliness be at bay.

Imagining her at our favorite restaurant. Her wearing a big bow in her hair, her big black hair all teased in small waves, her outfit black and hot pink colors, her nails matching with little pink skulls on them. Ordering the spiciest food in the restaurant, and I'd watch, trying not to laugh, as she tried so hard to make me laugh. "OH LORD, THIS IS THE SPICIEST CURRY, OH- OH- OHHH, UNNNNHHH, SHIT, WHY IS IT SO SPICY? GOING TO BURN MY TONGUE OFF! AHHHHH!" Making everyone in the place stare at us like we were the naughtiest children in the world and we should be ashamed of ourselves. But, she was anything but ashamed. She'd perform for me, if it was the last thing she did, because she wanted to see my smile. That's all she wanted in the world.

We'd walk on the sidewalk together, hand in hand, attached by the ear by her wired ear buds connected to her little cheap MP3 player that only played twenty-eight songs. We'd stop as soon as we heard the opening note to our favorite visual kei song, then start dancing wildly together, not caring that we were in people's way. They'd step around us, giving us that same look like we were these crazy kids. And we were.

We'd shop thrift stores together and she'd make these amazing finds, creating authentic outfits from the 80's piece by piece. She had such an eye for these pieces. Even jewelry, she had everything. Sometimes, she'd modify something, using a good fabric from an ugly dress, say, to create a hat or some other accessory like a belt. It was fascinating to me, this process and her passion. Sewing things herself.

We often viewed places like we were children again. That wonder of it all. Like it was new again. She made me see things that I wouldn't have seen, even though I was viewing the same things. Making it come alive with magic. This innocence of experience. One time, we were outside of a McDonald's, and there was a statue of Ronald McDonald. She pointed at him, and just lost it, laughing so loud. She whispered something perverted in my ear about him, and I burst into laughter, too. We were crying laughing on the street, not a care in the world.

I miss her so much that I want to die. I want to scream, rip my body apart, anything to make this pain go away. This pain of losing her. But, I have this creeping feeling, that even in my own death, I will miss her this much and that is too much to bear. I won't forget. You can't forget. There's no escape, so what is the reason to die? But you can't bear to stay the same, because nothing is the same. You have to constantly move around and try to make it better in any way, but there's no way to make it better. It's just there, there, and there's nothing at all that you can do. And that is the worst thing, this unbearable thing, that is like a black hole that takes everything you love and care about and makes you a shell of a human being and there's nothing. There's just nothing.

I can't tell Tetsu that her time is near. It takes my voice away. Like I have no tongue or lips anymore, this refusal. Is it refusal? Or is it something else? It isn't shame. No. The word... This word is horror. This horror in me, won't let me tell him. This shocked terror, my personal whirlwind. Because, I'm still in shock even though it's almost been four years.

They say there's stages to grief, but I only have one. That's another lie. They want you to go along with their stages, get over it. No way. It's a complete lie. You can't get over it. What a joke, what a cruel thing to suggest. The idea only brings rage. They didn't know her, so how can they say that? Don't they know how special she was? My Annie was...

Staring up at the ceiling, it looks ordinary. But, something changed. It's not an ordinary day. But, to Tetsu it will be ordinary. I can't act like how I feel inside. I need to show that I am somehow okay, and that nothing is the matter. But, something is the matter, and how can I hide what is inside? He'll know, because to him, I am the most transparent person. He pays attention. He studies my face.

My long breath. I want to say it's going to be okay to myself, but it's not going to be okay. It will never be okay. That is my constant trauma. It's not okay, it's not right, why was she taken away? Wasn't she special enough? She made so many people happy. She was the light of so many people's lives. Her smile was a million suns, a million stars.

I need to somehow tell myself that I'm alright. That it is an ordinary day. But, it won't come.

These old tears, this hatred of what happened, self loathing, screaming, terrifying pain. I want to scream. I want to scream and never stop, just like that first day, that first minute where I found out. Sana, don't freak out. Sana, Sana, Sana. Oh, Sana... Sana, I'm so sorry. So sorry. Sorry.

These vivid pictures. Just like it's that first minute. Remembering every second. Being in my apartment, waiting for her. But, Yami showed up instead. Crying like he'd never cried, like a little boy. We have to go now. Sana, she needs us, she's in the hospital. We have to go now. Sana, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, sorryyyy... Crying like there'd never be another emotion. Crying like the world was dying. Our world was dying. Me standing there not understanding, no words to say, no thoughts in my brain, asking if he could give me a ride, no comprehension, even though he couldn't drive. Then, begging him to give me a ride. Standing there, pulling at the bottom of my shirt, so anxious, already believing I was alone, even though I didn't believe she was gone. She had to be alive, she was just battered up. That was all it was. Even if she was a vegetable, she had to be alive, and I'd take care of her.

But, she wasn't alive. She was already gone. Died on the street. Died on the street, like some ordinary person who- Didn't she deserve better? How in the world did she deserve to go out? No imagining it, some other way for her to go, because if she wasn't in my arms then it was an impossible world, a world that nobody could imagine.

The love of my life was gone. She somehow saw me in the beginning, adopted me like some kitten off the street that she thought was adorable, and that was it. She loved me, and there wasn't anything anyone could say to make that different. She somehow attached herself to me, and that was... That was the most amazing thing that ever happened in my life. Me, not deserving, this bold person who saw the depths of me in ways that I hadn't even discovered myself. My potential. She knew it all along.

How dare they say to get over her? These therapists I've seen. These steps to grief. You have to do them, or you won't heal. Well, what if I don't want to heal? What if I don't want to forget? What if I feel like I deserve it, because I asked her to come over? If I hadn't been selfish, she'd still be here. I can't imagine my life without Tetsu, but she'd still be here, too. At least she'd still be here.

After a time, Tetsu woke up beside me. As I knew he would, he knew something was wrong immediately. My little whimpers, crying in grief. He rolled over, grabbed me in his arms. Held me, not saying a word. Respecting me. He checked me over, making sure it wasn't a medical problem. It made me cry more, his caring of me this way. He was so casual about it.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"She... Annie passed away on the 29th of August. I- I don't know what to do..." Crying in his ear, telling him something he shouldn't have to know. It wasn't his responsibility to take care of me for this. I knew that already.

But, his unexpected response. Magic to me, quieting my tears. Like it was meant to be.

"We'll celebrate her," he said gently to me, so calm, kind. "The members of Lyra and you and I. We'll celebrate her. I love you. It's okay to cry."

His kindness sent me over the edge. Causing my whirlwind to swirl. Confusion and sadness, relief and weird hope. Too different.

"Come here," he said, even though I was already here. He hugged me closer in his arms, never letting go of me, as I lost myself, crying over someone else I love. My Tetsu, seeing me, adoring me, patiently loving me like always.

I began to hyperventilate, and he made his tsking noises, trying to comfort me. I loved him so much that I didn't know what to do with myself. A feeling so like my grief, the endless depths. Such a confusing comparison, but so true. Two opposites, but so like each other, at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. Causing me to collapse to him, unsure what to feel, but loving him and her, all of it love, grief and love, the same thing.