In the morning, we were getting ready to go. The doctor had come in, and told us he was satisfied with Sana's progress, and pleased that we'd be going to see Yokohara-sensei as a follow up today. I didn't know what to say to that. This dreading feeling. I kind of didn't want him to be released from the hospital. Thinking that, if he was on the machines and something like this happened again, they'd catch it.

He was sleeping, his machines beeping steadily. There wasn't much to do to get us ready to go. Straight from the hospital, we'd be going to Tokyo. We'd called Yokohara-sensei yesterday, and she told us to come in around noon, during the lunch break she'd made for herself.

I got up, going to the bed. Sana's yellow blanket was on top of him, the corners tucked in, keeping him warm. This blanket. I stopped, staring at it.

My mom came up behind me. Her hand went on my shoulder. "He's doing better, isn't he?" She asked me, quieter than she normally would.

I shook my head. I wanted to take the blanket, fold it up and put it in the tote she brought for us. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. That yellow blanket. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't touch it. The image of it yesterday, draped on the couch. That feeling.

I turned, and felt my legs going weak. My arms went around my mom, and I didn't know if I was trying to hold myself up or what. Her arms went around me, too, and we stayed like this for a minute.

"It was scary yesterday, wasn't it?" She asked. This tone. She was being careful.

I nodded into her, unable to acknowledge it further. She began rubbing my back. It didn't help. This feeling, eating away at my stomach. Climbing up my spine.

"You've been so quiet since yesterday. I know you're scared."

My arms went tighter around her. She let out a long sigh, rubbing my back harder. Trying to comfort what can't be comforted.

"I heard that you thought he passed away."

I pressed my eyes closed. Who had told her that? It could have been anyone.

"It's okay to be sad," she said, somehow coming up with something to say. I didn't know what to say to her at all. Numbness was somehow setting in, replacing my sadness. This nothingness. This odd nothingness, hollow, eating away at my body.

I shook my head. "He's going to pass away." Finally, words to this feeling. My lips went into my mouth, trying to stop myself from saying more.

"Te-chan... Don't say that."

"Someday. Someday, it's going to happen, and I don't- I don't know- What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do."

"Is that what you've been thinking about? Te-chan... Don't think about that."

"I have to. What- I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to...prepare or..." Despite the nothingness, tears were falling again. "He has an illness. Yokohara-sensei said he was...declining, and I... I don't want to see it..."

"He's not. He's getting better. He's on his new thyroid medication. He's really not as bad as he was. I've been watching him, too. He's not declining. I see him every day. He's doing better. He really is." She was desperate.

I didn't know what to say to that. She's a medical professional. But, she's also my mom. Trying to tell me something good, trying to make me feel better. Which assessment was correct? Was this her medical opinion, or her being my mom?

I almost didn't feel like myself. Suddenly, I wanted to scream.

"I don't know what to do. I don't- I don't know what to do."

She drew me away, pushing my shoulders. Her face was one of concern, her eyes darting all over me. They softened. She nodded, smiling at me. So odd.

"It's going to be okay," she said, so gentle. She pulled me in again, her arms soft and not too tight this time. "I know what's happening now." So different than before.

"What?"

"Breathe with me. Just breathe."

"Huh?"

"You're in shock. You went through something yesterday that is traumatizing. That's what. It doesn't matter how much I say it's going to be okay. I need to get you calm."

"I don't know how to be calm."

"Breathe with me."

This technique. I remembered it, what she was trying to do. She'd told me to do this before.

"I just think- I didn't believe he'd really pass away before." I couldn't breathe with her. I needed to talk to her.

"He's not going to."

I shook my head. "Yes, he is." I wanted to yell at her all of a sudden. Tell her to acknowledge what I was saying, to get her to understand. But, I was losing myself. She was my mom. She loved me. Why would I yell at her? She was trying so hard.

She went on. "You need to calm yourself. You're not in the right state of mind to talk about this. I've seen it before, when I worked at the hospital. There was a big earthquake when you were very little, you might not remember. A lot of people were like this. They couldn't get a word out, unable to process anything. You need to breathe, calm down. Then you can talk. You're not going to be able to get anything reasonable out. You're also depriving your brain of oxygen, because you're not breathing right. It makes you even less able to process anything. And it's a lot to process."

"I'm sorry." Mostly for wanting to yell at her. She was right, I wasn't acting right.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. You just need to breathe." She breathed in a long breath, and let it out even more slowly. Just like she'd shown me before. I tried it with her. "There you go. Just breathe."

We'd packed up and left the hospital. She was driving us to Tokyo, and would stay with us there for Sana's appointment. Sawai-san would be meeting us. Sana was still tired, of course. He was weak, not fully recovered. His body had been through a lot. It made me realize that I was thinking about myself too much, but...

I stared up at the front of the car. He was in my arms, wrapped in his yellow blanket, sleeping. Slow, loud breaths were coming from him, so unusual. Was he really okay? Should he have left the hospital with him breathing like this?

Suddenly, it didn't feel right. My eyes widened.

"Mom, stop. Turn around. I don't think he should have left the hospital."

"Huh? Te-chan. It's okay. Breathe. You're breathing so fast, I can hear it from here."

"Mom."

"It's going to be okay. He's okay. Would I ever lead you wrong?"

I looked down at him. He looked so peaceful, but he had yesterday, too.

"I- um-"

"Breathe." She demonstrated it again. I tried to follow it. Thinking about her words. She wouldn't lead me wrong, but. There were some things that were out of her control.

My lips went into my mouth as I wanted to yell at her again, and this was how I knew I was out of control. Instead, I felt Sana in my arms. The loose weave of the blanket looked too cold for him. Yesterday, he'd said he was cold. I shifted my arms, more around his front. Keeping him warm.

"I'm sorry, mom."

"For what?" She asked. She stopped, a stoplight blocking us. Everything rocked slightly in the car at this.

"I'm acting weird."

"No, I understand it. You're okay."

"It's just, the way he looked yesterday. When he wouldn't respond to me, no matter what I did? You know that red mark on his neck? I did that. I pinched him so bad. Trying to wake him up."

"Oh, Te-chan..."

"It makes sense now that I couldn't wake him up. Someone told me that passing out is so different from sleeping, and I didn't know what that meant until yesterday. He just- no matter what I did, he wouldn't wake up. I was terrified, I was..."

It was all coming out now. No stopping it. But, it felt good.

"Tell me more." She was being kind.

"I don't know how to prevent that in the future. I don't want him to pass out. What am I going to do? How do I prevent that?"

She nodded in the mirror. "The biggest problem is that your phone wasn't charged. We had such an excitement the day before. It's understandable that you went to bed without charging it. I'm going to charge it every day for you now. If your alarm had gone off for his device, maybe this wouldn't have happened. That's one thing we can do."

She was right. "I was stupid. How did I not charge it? What was I thinking?"

She nodded more. Deep acknowledgement of my words. That felt good, too. "You were happy. It's easy to forget. But, that's what I'm here for. I'll help you remember."

"Okay. Um... What else can we do?"

"I'm going to ask Yokohara-sensei to calibrate the app to a tighter reading today. Get it to alert us at the first sign of trouble, rather than when there's already trouble. We'll get more alerts, but it's definitely worth it."

Oh. Did she already have a plan? "I don't mind more alerts. I want more. It'll make me feel...better." What an odd thing to say.

"Good, Te-chan. Good." She sounded so relieved. "Let's see what else we can do. We'll make sure this doesn't happen again. Hey, you know? I heard that Fitbits and things can detect heartbeats? Beats per minute? Maybe it has a button that'll tell you how fast his heart is going. Isn't that great? Let's look into it. Natsuko has a Fitbit, right? Want to call her?"

I straightened up a little bit, my eyes going wide. "What?! It does?!" A Fitbit. If Sana had one, and it really told of that, then yesterday I could have checked it. It would have told me he was still alive, his heart beating. I wouldn't... "If he had one, then maybe I wouldn't have thought..."

"Yes, Te-chan. That's what I was thinking, too. Let's call Natsuko and ask her. It might be good for him to have, if so. If not, maybe there's something like what we're thinking of. We can ask Yokohara-sensei today. If it's as simple as this, we can buy one when we're in Tokyo."

I breathed in and out, really taking a good, deep breath. Being careful not to adjust Sana too much, I reached into my pocket. I fished my phone out, and started waking it up to dial it. I closed my eyes briefly, really feeling my breaths.

For the first time in two days, it finally felt like I could breathe. This simple solution. Was it really going to be this simple? It seemed impossible. But, it was the truth. If Sana had a device like a Fitbit, then I wouldn't have thought anything terrible like that. I'd have been able to get him the help he needed. From now on, if he had a device like that, then maybe this wouldn't have to happen.

I put the phone to my ear, still being careful. I prepared to speak low, trying not to wake Sana. For the first time in two days, I finally felt my heartbeat slow. A calm feeling. Maybe we were about to find a good answer, something that would calm this terrible feeling.

"Hello?" Natsuko answered, after two rings.

"Hi," I said, my words no longer quick and panicked. Because that's what I'd been doing, I realized. I'd been panicked. My mom was right. I breathed, like she told me. Maybe it was going to be alright. "Can you tell me about your Fitbit?"

Natsuko snorted. "This old thing? What do you want to know about it?"

"Well..." Much more calmly, I began to tell her the story. But this time, when I went over my feelings, that dreadful feeling was much more quieted, replaced instead by a strange tranquility. A feeling that said maybe things would be okay. That, if we tried hard, maybe what I feared wouldn't happen.

It was such a good feeling.