By the morning, the light rain hadn't let up. I laid awake, listening its quiet music. Imagining it bouncing off of leaves, falling to the ground, causing the soil to dampen and puddle. Bugs would be hiding, waiting for it to let up and for the new sun to emerge and warm the earth. The grey of the day made a memory, and a wonder of what colors might really be out there, just beyond our reach.

I held Sana's hand, the thoughts from the night still in my head. Lingering, like the heavy overcast of clouds over the day. Remaining, and casting the grey.

My papa. The more I thought about him, the clearer my fears became.

It wasn't as if he ever became angry at me for wearing women's things. Maybe it was generational, I had no idea. My mom was happy to see me wear kimono, and as Natsuko had told me, thought me to be pretty. This made me pause, switching to thinking about my mom instead.

Natsuko had said my mom had called me pretty. She liked when I danced, and in the garden her response to my dancing there...

My mind went blank. Unwilling to accept these ideas. The fear too winding, creating strings around my arms and legs. Binding me to the past, too scared to move forward. My mom. Natsuko told me that she might approve. But, if I told her my feelings, and she didn't approve?

We had a house now, so we could go there. But, it wasn't set up for us yet. I had my apartment, and it was more convenient to Fleeting World. We had places to go if we needed to. And Sawai-san was there to help us now. We'd done well when we went to Tokyo with her, and in Okinawa we'd done alright with her and Natsuko.

It seemed unreal, but if I were to tell my mom about my feelings now, and she disapproved, we'd be okay. We'd done enough to prevent that from happening, without intending to. But... If my mom disapproved... I didn't want to lose my mom.

When Sana woke up, my hands were over my face, and I was crying quietly. Small sounds were coming from me, but I was trying to be as quiet as possible.

He rolled over, and gently his arm went around me. I rolled over to meet him, and he kissed my fingers, coaxing me to lower them. They lowered to my chest, he hugged me as tightly as he could. We were nose to nose, as I continued to cry. His chin lifted, and he kissed me with the tiniest of touches on the tip of my nose.

"I'm going to split my family apart," I said, gasping in my words. Almost hyperventilating.

He kissed my nose again. "Tell me?" He asked.

"The lace piece. Why did I buy it? I don't know what I'm doing..." The last word was drawn out, in a whine. "I don't know what it means. I don't know what I want. What does it mean for me? What am I trying to do? If my parents find out I bought it..."

"Oh, oh," he said, trying to soothe me. "We'll figure it out. You're not alone. Do what makes you feel happy. Others come second."

I shook my head slightly. A small sob came from my throat. The differences in our cultures came to my mind, his response. No, others didn't come second. I had to think about them, too. Maybe, I had misunderstood. I analyzed his words. Do what makes you feel happy.

"Tell me more," I asked him. Wanting him to elaborate. Maybe I hadn't understood?

He nuzzled my nose a little. "You have to make your own happiness. Others can't tell you what to do. We get one life, we have to make it a happy one."

It was true, but it hadn't done as much as I hoped. I wasn't comforted. That only made me feel ashamed. Not appreciating his words, his trying to comfort me.

"But, my parents. I don't know what to do. How do I tell them? I'm afraid..." That's all I could get out. It's all I'd made sense of this feeling so far. That's all the information I could provide.

"Do you want to tell them soon? I'll help you."

I nodded a little. Another round of tears. I sniffled. He hugged me closer. I wanted to ask him how he'd told his own parents about himself, but I knew this was painful for him. He might not want to talk about it, and I respected that. But, I wanted to ask. I needed help. I knew, I needed help. Even in this short time since we'd came home, it was becoming out of control.

"How did you tell your own parents about yourself?" I asked, blurting it out without meaning to. Blush went to my cheeks. Knowing he might not want to talk about that. What had I done?

"I didn't, really. They found out when they got the bill from my surgeon. I hadn't planned things out well. We got into an argument about it. I told my mom that I feel that I'm a boy, and she told me that was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. She said I was sick, insane. That surely the west had influenced me too much, and she regretted that I was born there. That I'd been poisoned. So, old fashioned, right? She told me to go back to the United States if I was so poisoned by it, and that I wouldn't be..." He paused.

I'd upset him. That was the stupidest thing I could have done. Now that he'd stopped talking, it dawned on me, what I'd done. If I worried him too much, made him too upset. He might get sick. Fear clenched my belly, traveling up to my chest. My arm extended around him, pulling him closer to me, finding the small of his back. Feeling how tiny he is, how fragile. What had I done?

His breath came in small little puffs. He was okay. But, he was thinking. I waited patiently, worrying about him.

"I think you'll do better," he finally said. "Your parents are very kind. They love you. There's nothing there that's abusing that love, that I've seen. They approve of us marrying, so that's a good sign. I know gender things are different from same-sex love, that kind of acceptance. But, it can be a good sign." His eyes closed briefly, and he sighed. They opened again, and he yawned, looking down slightly to be modest, our faces so close together.

He was tired. He didn't need to be talking about this. I was in the wrong. My worry level for him was rising. But...

He smiled so gently to me. His arm squeezed tighter around my back. "I think, even if they don't approve now, they have the potential to later. There's love there. Real love. I don't think they'd abandon their child. They're so different than my parents. They don't have any reason to abandon you. They're not looking to save face, or to impress anyone. They don't have anything on the line except the happiness of their child. And I've seen them. They want you to be happy. They try so hard."

A small whimper came from my throat. These words I understood. They hit me in my heart. As I cried again, he rested his forehead on mine. Our noses touched. The most comforting pose in the world, the two of us understanding each other. Loving each other.

After breakfast, we laid on the couch together in our customary pose. Sana was tired, and I thought about what would have happened if we were still in Okinawa. Would he be this tired? What would we be doing?

I missed it so much that I started crying again. Wanting him to be awake, smiling at me. The both of us, excited for the day. Maybe we'd go to the beach again and see everyone, watching Yami and them do goofy things. Hearing Sana's laugh, and he could wear those oversized sunglasses and be cute. It just made me cry harder. Thinking about it. I wanted him to be awake, enjoying things.

It was like night and day. Where had his energy gone? It was like the Sana who had come out in Okinawa no longer existed. I realized, he'd been like the Sana I'd first met, much more full of energy and laughter. That easy-going, cute person who I'd first fallen in love with.

Now we were back home, and he lost his energy as if it were taken away from him. Why? What was the difference?

My phone started rumbling in my pocket. Sudden fear. Was it his alarm, and I'd accidentally set it to vibrate? I fumbled for it, and brought it out with trembling hands.

It was Sawai-san calling. She'd been late, and still wasn't here. I missed her, I realized. I felt so alone.

"Hello?" I asked, answering it.

"I'm so sorry!" She said in a rush. "I overslept! I think it was all the traveling, I'm a mess! I'll be there as soon as I can, I'm going to get the next train!"

Something inside was being soothed, hearing her voice.

I sniffled. "Okay. Take your time. Sana's resting. We already had breakfast."

"Oh. Hey. Why are you crying?"

Oops.

"I, um..." What could I say? I decided to be honest. "I miss Okinawa."

"Oh. Ohh. Hey. Hey. It's okay. I miss Okinawa, too."

I sniffed hard. My hand went to my forehead. "I miss how Sana was there. How free he was. He wasn't tired at all. Now he is. He's so different. I don't understand why! What changed?! I just-"

"Ohh. Ohh. It's okay. Calm down. I'll be there soon. We'll talk about this. Was he feeling ill today? Is that what it is? I bet, if I'm tired from traveling, then he must be, too. I'm old. We're similar in that way, our bodies less able to take it. I bet he'll be better in no time."

That was true. My breathing hitched, and I took a long, shuddering breath in. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm just emotional. That's all..."

My eyes went wide. A memory of Okinawa. Me crying there, in the mall. Seeing the people with me, Natsuko and Shizue, and Sawai-san, too.

Sawai-san.

Slight nausea. I swallowed. She'd been there when I bought the lace piece. Saw me wear it, and had been grinning like everyone else. Proud of me, urging me to buy it. I hadn't even had to tell her why. She didn't care to know the reason. She'd been so happy for me anyway.

I gripped my phone. She was waiting there, not saying anything as I cried. My eyebrows knitted as I tried to keep my tears away, fighting to speak.

It would be a comfort to have her here. She already knew I'd bought the lace piece. She approved of it, and didn't seem to care. She was someone on my side, making the playing field even. I knew my mom was upstairs putting away laundry and doing other chores. I wasn't afraid of her, but this unsettled feeling... I couldn't shake it.

Everything had changed in that mall, and I hadn't realized it. Like I was in a surreal new reality, an alternate universe. Wondering if everyone would act the same towards me, although I hadn't really changed. Or had I?

"Is Okinawa all you're upset about? Is Sana really okay?" Sawai-san asked, breaking our silence.

It's like she had a sixth sense. My lips pressed into my mouth. I shook my head slightly, not wanting to disturb Sana if I accidentally moved my body. He was sleeping so soundly on top of me, his head turned to the side on my chest, his arms up near his face. He looked so sweet there, so peaceful.

New tears went down my face, thinking about him. The consequences of my possible actions. My family's support of us. He'd been benefitting from it, too. I'd given him my family the first time he'd come here in October. He'd met them, and they loved him immediately. That's what they told me later. They'd gotten so excited. Was I about to ruin that for him? He hadn't had a family, and now I might be taking mine away from him, too.

My body was jumping in my tears. No way to hide it now. These noises coming from me. This despair. That's what this unsettled feeling was. That was its name, the one I'd been searching for.

"Ohh. Oh, there is something, isn't there? I'll be over there as soon as I can. Do you want to talk about it? You don't need to keep that inside. I care about you, just as much as I care about Sana. You're my son, too. I'll take care of you."

Sawai-san. No, I was wrong. I was absolutely wrong. Sana did have a family, and they were mine, too. Sawai-san. She and Yami were our family. Even if my family left us, we still had them. It was a small family, but it was family all the same.

It was a small comfort in the face of all of this. "Okay. Please, let's talk about this. But, I don't know how. I don't know where. I can't let anyone know. I can't- I can't let anyone know..." The last word was drawn out in my tears.

"I'll keep it a secret. We'll figure out a way. In the mean time, is there anything I can do for you? I want to make you feel better. Can I get you something, maybe? Ohh. Oh. It's okay. You don't need to cry."

I shook my head slowly. She didn't need to do anything. She was already doing more than enough. "No. Please just come here."

"Okay. I'll be there as soon as possible. Don't worry."

"Okay."

I sniffled, and we said good-bye. We hung up. I stared at my phone for a long while afterward, thinking too many things to make any sense. Useless thoughts. My brain was going too fast, like a hurricane, going so fast that you can't even see what's in front of you.

I began looking at Sana. Watching him sleep. Trying to slow myself down, telling myself my mantra. I needed that more than ever. His sweet blonde hair, his small breaths causing him to go up and down slightly. His peace. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him to me. Like this, I closed my eyes, trying to feel his energy.

Sawai-san arrived two hours later to find us both asleep, tears dried on my face, but peaceful and calm.