When we got to my parents' house, Sana wasn't doing too well. It was still early evening, and I worried that he needed to eat dinner. But, he was trying to sleep and that was my priority. My parents met us at the door, and my papa helped Natsuko with our bags. My mom started to kindly fuss immediately, making adoring noises and ushering us in. A late dinner was on the stove, heating up. It looked like a soup. I could smell rice in the rice cooker. The scents of home. It set me at ease as soon as I stepped in the door.

We were home, and it was a relief. But, I missed Okinawa. All the things we'd done. How free Sana seemed. Would that all be over? Had it been like a magic dream, not real at all? Just an illusion that would fade away?

My mom helped me get Sana on the couch, and she covered him with a blanket as I folded up his wheelchair and put it to the side. I sat on the floor, my face so close to his. We settled in this way. My mom went to go finish dinner, and she assured me I could eat it in the living room, saying I must be tired.

Like this, left to my thoughts, I began to think.

Now that we were home, there were so many things to do. Our house needed repairs according to Yami, and we needed to get it filled with furniture and our things. Then, there was Sana's apartment to consider. I knew from my apartment's location, it would be good to keep it for now due to its proximity to Fleeting World. But, we didn't need Sana's apartment. He'd broken down in there as well, saying he didn't want to be there. What were his further feelings about that? If he wanted to, we could bring his furniture to our house. The pieces would serve us well, and all of his things would be there. It would be convenient.

There were all the things we needed to do with the mini-album and the tour. So many things, that it was discombobulated in my mind. The tour alone. We didn't have a lot of time. What were we going to play? We'd have to choose from our existing repertoires. And, we couldn't do anything from Mermaid Orchestra, because all of that music belonged to my former company. So, there would be many new songs for me to learn and rehearse with Lyra. That alone gave me anxiety.

Then, the tour itself. What would the stage look like? What would I dance? What would our part of the show consist of? I knew it would be about a thirty minute set. That can be a long time when you don't yet know what you're doing. Not only that, we had to decide fast, because stage designers surely would be eager to start designing. And speaking of designing, there were our costumes to consider. What would I be wearing? I didn't have any of my old costumes. Even the dresses I'd worn weren't mine. If I had one kimono ensemble from the past... But I didn't. The idea of finding and purchasing something of that quality made me feel like my pockets were thin, too. It'd be impossible.

We'd have to plan out how we would travel, too. We'd be constantly on the road. I knew Sana did well in Okinawa, but we'd been in one spot for the most part. Just the drive from my home town to Tokyo was hard on him. Would that experience translate to a bus? Was it hard on him due to the motion of the car, or was it something else? Just the effort of getting from one place to another? What was the factor that made him tired? He might be experiencing that factor all the time.

If I thought about all of this at once, it was overwhelming. But, something Masaki had said before came to mind. Trying to calm me. Make a list. Make a list, and focus on one thing at a time. But, where to start? It all seemed to collide with each other.

My mantra. Slow down. Think clearly. But, we didn't have very long, so it was hard.

The most important part was getting Sana to not worry about it. That was my first priority.

What would be my second priority? This was something I'd have to think about more in depth. If I really thought about it, all of this involved Lyra. Maybe more heads were better in this. I wasn't alone. We could all talk about the set list, and once we had that in place, we could start practicing. I would know which songs to learn, and that would calm some fears. Maybe that was my second priority. We could all meet and talk about the tour, make concrete plans.

But, Sana... He panicked whenever we talked about it. I put my chin in my hand, my elbow on my knee. Was there a way, by making a list, to calm his fears, too? Maybe it was something the rest of Lyra and I would have to talk about.

My papa and Natsuko came into the living room. They sat in the two easy chairs, plopping down. Natsuko spread out, her face tilted to the ceiling, exhausted.

Natsuko. She'd helped us so much in Okinawa. She'd made it a much more pleasant experience. Sana knew her well, and was relaxed with her. My eyes squinted. It seemed impossible, but... This sudden idea seemed like the most obvious one in the world.

Before I could think about it, it blurted out of my mouth. So much for going slow and thinking things through.

"Natsuko, want to come on the American tour with us?"

My papa covered his ears as Natsuko started screaming. Sana's eyes popped open, and my mom came to the doorway with a stack of bowls still in her hands.

"What, is that a yes?" I laughed. My hand went to Sana's face, gently closing his eyes with my fingertips. He accepted this, and closed them again.

She dove for her phone, frantically dialing.

My mom's face was unexpectedly a disapproving one, full of worry. "You're serious? Ohh, I don't know. What about Haru? What will he do for two months?" My mom asked, fussing again.

"He can hire a maid," Natsuko smiled, putting the phone to her ear.

My mom stood there, surely not knowing what to do with this information. I knew she meant well, but her worries were unfounded this time.

"I was just thinking that, Natsuko helped us so much in Okinawa. Especially during travel. All we're going to be doing is traveling this time. I was worried about Sana traveling. Natsuko helped so much to make it smooth. I thought maybe she could help in this, too," I quickly explained.

"Well, I suppose that sounds right," my mom considered this.

"Hey, Haru!" Natsuko grinned, tilting her head in glee. "Guess who's going to America?! Yes, I know, Tetsu and Sana are, but so am I! Ahhhhhh!" She was screaming again, wiggling her head back and forth in her joy.

My hand went over my mouth, starting to laugh. I jumped, as Sana's hand wandered down to my chest. He tightened his arm around me, and held me. I looked up, and his eyes were closed, but he was smiling, too. I adored him.

Haru didn't seem to be disapproving. They spoke a bit more subdued, going over things. She knew no details yet, but I could fill her in on what I did know. That wouldn't be a problem.

She got off the phone, unable to stop grinning. She did a little dance in her chair, her hands spread out with her body wiggling slowly in victory, and I was laughing again.

"Dinner is ready. I'll bring it in here," my mom informed us. She still looked unsure in the doorway. I knew from that, I'd have to talk to her more about my decision. She hadn't seen how things went in Okinawa. How much better Sana had been doing. Natsuko really had made things go smoother, more natural. It was the obvious choice.

Natsuko got up. "I'll help," she offered. My mom silently accepted this, and they went into the kitchen. My papa sat in his chair, looking at me. I'm sure he'd had a long day at work and wanted to relax, too.

"How was Okinawa?" He asked. "Did you do something fun?"

He asked this casually, but something in me was starting to bring my hackles up. What was this sudden fear? I stared at him like a deer in headlights for a second. What was this unsettled feeling? It was the weirdest thing. I gripped my knees.

"Yes. We went to the beach, the aquarium, and this big mall..."

The mall. The lace piece.

I blushed. Oh.

"The aquarium, eh? That must have been quite a sight. I know you like aquariums. What was your favorite part?"

He was talking to me like normal, but something in me had definitely changed. I gripped my knees more. I looked down at them, but realized in a second that I was being disrespectful to him. I looked back up. "The whale sharks."

This feeling. It was almost as if I were afraid. I'd never been afraid of him before. What was happening? This uncomfortableness.

"They were very big, right? Bigger than a dolphin? I'd like to see them try to do the same tricks as dolphins. What kind of show would that be?"

"Hmm." I made an agreeing noise. "I bet they'd swallow the beach ball if the trainer tried to bounce it off their noses."

My papa made a similar noise. "You are right. They're not as smart as dolphins."

I smiled at him, but inside, something was screaming. I wanted to cover it up, but it was being brought slowly to the surface the more words we spoke. This feeling. What was this feeling? It made me want to run.

In our room later, I was preparing Sana for bed. I put silky pajamas shorts on him, and a matching button down top. He looked comfortable like that. His belly was full of good, warm food. His eyes were closing as he sat on the edge of the bed. I quickly hoisted my own pajama pants up, and went to him. I yawned as I scooped under his legs, laying him back and sliding him up to the headboard, laying him down safely. He was too tired try to do it himself.

I was tired, too. I spread the bed covers over him, patting them down all around him to make sure they were secure. He smiled as I did, and it made the unsettled feeling I still had calm down a little bit. Reminding me that he was here, he wouldn't judge me. He loved and accepted everything about me. There was nothing to fear in this room.

As we'd eaten dinner, it dawned on me what the feeling was. That lace piece. The idea of wearing it here. My papa would disapprove of my wearing a women's kimono casually, so what would happen if he came home and I was wearing that lace piece over my regular clothes? How would he react?

In the past, he'd reacted with silent disapproval when I was younger, when I'd wear kimono in order to dance. He got used to it after a while, but was still clearly awkward and uncomfortable. Hesitating in his speech, ignoring what I was wearing. Not acknowledging my efforts in this department. When I grew up and started doing it professionally, it only got worse. I'd had to stop inviting my parents to my shows, because knowing he was in the audience made me too nervous. His uncomfortable gaze.

It was true that he didn't seem to mind when Sana dressed in women's clothes. I thought back to the conversation my sister and I had about it. Her reasoning. But, the fact remained that it was probably different when it came to me, his own son. Sometimes, it's okay when others do it, but when it comes to your family? It can be a whole different story.

Especially since, I still didn't know what I was doing. This sudden thought made me choke up a little, unexpectedly. I got into bed, cuddling up to Sana. Our lights were off now, and the gentle pitter patter of a light rain was outside our window, making me want to relax. But, I couldn't relax.

What was I doing with that lace piece? Now that the euphoria was gone, I was unsure. I didn't regret buying it, but it made me nervous.

My hand snaked under Sana's shirt, finding his belly. He made an approving groan, making me smile unexpectedly. My head was so filled with worry, that this was a conflict. I slid my face closer to his, meeting the sweet hair on the side of his face. My nose poked this, and my hand started to glide up and down his belly. He gave another groan of pleasure, and I kissed his cheek through his hair, feeling its familiar softness.

Slowly, I was being comforted without having to say anything. As I loved on him, I knew more and more that no matter what happened, Sana would be there for me. He understood everything I was going through, and had surely gone through this once, too.

I wanted to ask him about his experiences, but how to go about it? What kind of valuable advice could he give, a treasure trove of information, if I just found the right words?

As I thought about this, he slowly fell asleep. My tiredness came in waves as I ran away with my thoughts, and before I was aware of it, I was falling asleep, too, comforted more than I knew just by touching his skin. By knowing he loved me, no matter what.