"Shh. Baby, shh. Go to sleep. You're okay. It's not your fault. I promise."

"But I... I just..."

"Shhh."

He wept quietly, in my arms, warm and safe. Outside of our balcony, the rain was going hard still, the storm having found us hours ago. But, the door was firmly closed shut. None of the humidity would dare get in here. It was so humid outside, that the glass was fogged up.

No more chances. What was I thinking? I hadn't been. That was the answer. Taking chances with him was the stupidest idea I'd ever had. Being too careless and free.

But, taking chances had led to so much fun over the past few days. We'd done things I never thought we could. Sat in the waves. Kissed in the rain. Saw whale sharks together. How could I sacrifice this by being careful? All those smiles he'd had. He'd told me he wasn't even thinking about being in a wheelchair, too happy.

He'd been so happy. What was I going to do? What was I supposed to do? I didn't know.

Being careless and free. It was the best thing that had ever happened to us. His smiling face. This had been more than a vacation. It was living. So unlike when we were home. And all of it was because we were throwing caution to the wind, doing things we wouldn't normally do.

Was there a balance? Some kind of answer?

As he cried, I started to. Silently, so he couldn't hear. Wanting him to be free. I kissed his hair line, as he cried on me. So worried that he'd ruined our day. Refusing to sleep, telling me over and over how sorry he was. His worst fears realized, or so he thought.

"I need to apologize to them," he said, sniffling. "We were having so much fun, and-"

"Shh. Baby, you can't ruin anything. The rain ruined it. That's what happened."

"But, I-"

"We were going to go to the beach, but we couldn't because of the rain. It's the rain's fault."

Small sobs. I'd do anything to get him to stop crying. A sudden thought.

"Baby, do you want some ice cream? We can get room service. Eat some ice cream for me, and then take a nap, okay?"

"Okay..." A long little wail, muffled as I pressed his face to my chest, loving him.

He loved ice cream. Maybe it would make him feel happy enough, calm enough. Make him happy again, and smile. I could only hope. This foolish hope.

As I'd ordered him ice cream from room service, he'd asked if I wanted anything. The most pitiful, sad kitten kind of voice. So, I'd ordered the same. But, I ended up just feeding him most of mine. Needing to take care of him. Even though he could feed himself, I still held him in my arms and fed him. This apology of mine.

Because, the truth was, it wasn't the rain's fault. It was mine. I was the one who hadn't checked the weather. I was the one who'd let him be in the humidity for so long. But, I had to reason with myself.

We would have gone to the beach in that. Maybe the rain would have made us run away when it started, but if we'd gone earlier in the day? We would have been at the beach when this happened. Maybe even further away from a hospital, I had no idea.

Something inside was trying to prepare me. Trying to reconcile, get back on the horse. Make sure you pack his portable nebulizer for America. Don't let this happen again. A great idea. A lesson learned. Every time something like this happened, it was a lesson learned.

Where did I find the strength? Picking us back up again, over and over.

But no, it wasn't so mysterious. I was only able to do it, because I loved him. Plain and simple. It didn't need to be a complicated mystery. It always came back to my love for him. What I'd do for him. Needing to find solutions, because the alternative was unbearable. Letting him slip through my fingers. I wasn't going to allow that.

He'd been happy taking chances. If I applied this mindset to that... What was a safe way to take chances? If I had safe guards in place... Maybe I was on to something. Taking chances, but in a controlled, safer way. Maybe the illusion of choice. Picking between two safe options. I had to think about scenarios where that would be, but maybe this was what we needed.

He was sleeping now, cozy in our blankets. Full of two servings of ice cream. He'd cheered up a little, and that was the best I could hope for. I wanted to find more ice cream for him. It made him so happy to eat it, even cheering him up through this. Where could we find it for sale in my home town, to take home?

I thought about this for a while, when my phone buzzed in my pocket. A text message. I took my phone out and looked at it.

It was Shizue. Hey, how is Sana doing? We're thinking about going to see a movie. We figured that could be a nice activity, pretty casual. Not until 9:45, though. That's when the next showing of the movie we want to see is. The theater is pretty close to the hotel. Want to come with us? It's the kind of movie we'd all like. A music biographic.

I gripped my phone. I looked over at him sleeping. It was only 8pm. He was so convinced he'd ruined our day. Maybe if we went out again, had a lot of fun, he wouldn't feel so guilty? If I could prove to him that it had all ended in even more fun than we would have had...

It depended on how he felt after his nap, but. This foolish hope again.

I tapped back a reply to Shizue.

That sounds fantastic. I'm going to let Sana take a short nap first. He's doing a lot better, really. I thought it was a good idea for him to get a little more rest, but, I know he'll want to go out. Count us in.

I'd let him sleep for about an hour. See how he was doing after. He really was doing better. Not a hint of a cough left. Breathing deeply and smoothly. They'd helped him a lot at the hospital. He was just so upset. But, the ice cream had helped. Maybe this would, too.

Shizue answered in a few minutes. Great! We're going at the latest at 9:15. Meet us in the lobby at 9, okay? This is going to be so fun.

She liked to use a lot of emoticons in her texts. It made me smile. I texted back an affirmative, and put my phone on the bedside table after setting an alarm for 8:40. I settled in, my arms going around him. I pulled him to me. He was sleeping soundly, not worrying about anything. I never wanted him to worry again.

At 9:45, the movie started. All of us were there, scattered among the theater. Apparently it was a new release, so not all of us were able to get seats together. Reliably, Shizue had looked up the accessibility first. Always thinking ahead. I was so grateful for that. I was so in my thoughts, that I hadn't thought about that. What a disaster it would have been if it hadn't been accessible? I had to remind myself to look at these things. Cement it in my brain.

I was holding Sana's hand tightly. He'd been smiling the whole time we were here. That was a good sign. I'd said the line I'd rehearsed over and over for an hour, telling myself to say it to him when we were enjoying ourselves at the theater.

"See? We never would have gone here if things hadn't gone how they went today. We're having even more fun than we would have. It's even better than what we would have done, I know it."

It was absolutely true, too. There was an arcade and everything here. It was a pretty large cineplex. I'd held him from behind as he played some games, and we'd both enjoyed trying to get stuffed animals from one of the UFO catchers. I paid for as many rounds as he wanted. I didn't care. That smile was priceless to me.

He was holding onto a new stuffed tiger I'd won for him. It was precious to me, because the longer he held onto it, maybe the more he was feeling better. His mental health. I was realizing that now. It was just as fragile as his physical one. These things went together like the stick to a popsicle. I'd have to take care of it just like I did with his physical health. That was fine with me.

As I watched the movie, I was still thinking. He did so many little things for me. Even the watch I was wearing. Pulling my belt loop the other day, trying to get me to buy the lace piece I now loved. He was always thinking about my mental health. I was only now putting it all together, the big picture. He was so subtle about it, it had taken me this long to realize.

I had to take care of him like he was taking care of me. Thinking about him in these new ways. His panic attacks. I needed to learn the signs of when one was coming on. Somehow prevent it, so it didn't get out of control. It was a terrifying test to find a solution, but it had to be done. What were things he liked, so that he wouldn't go into one? Further ways to calm him down, before he got out of control?

I could help him like this. He was already trying so hard for me, incredibly doing these things in small ways. He knew me so well. But, that's the thing... He was always watching me. Those ways, such as when we first got together, I'd catch him staring at me and then he'd look away and blush. He was always watching me, learning things about me.

An intense rolling wave came over me, making me curl my toes. This warmth, this tenderness. Like I was being covered in wet flower petals, the love sticking to me. The kind of love that people write about in stories. The kind they sing about in songs. This love for him, evolving in another way, always changing, but always the same. Becoming deeper, every day. This clarity about him, creating a new layer for today.

I held his hand, now rubbing the back of it in my love. His beautiful hand. I'd figure out a solution for us. This was my love. I'd do anything.

Anything for him.