Somehow, I was feeling more relaxed today. It had started the same as many. We'd gotten up, and went through our usual routine. We'd showered together, but today Tetsu held me in there. Hugging me, as the water washed over us. It was only for a few minutes, but the love I felt... He was quiet, but there wasn't anything that needed to be said. I knew it all. Just from the way he held me dearly, I knew it all.

As we got dressed, he told me he knew I'd been upset lately.

"It's not just the panic attacks. That's not what I mean," he said to me gently, sitting next to me on the bed. He took both of my hands. "You know you can tell me anything. Don't keep it inside. I've been thinking lately. I think, if you talk to me, then maybe you don't need to worry so much that you panic. You don't need to be ashamed. Nothing you say would ever make me feel differently about you. You can open up to me. I'll listen."

His kindness. He held me again, breathing deeply over my shoulder, a kind of sigh. It seemed like this confession had been in him for a while, and he was relieved to have said it. But, it wasn't over.

He drew away from me, and looked at my face. His expression was one of intensity.

"I've been thinking lately..." Hesitating. "...About what it must be like for you. I don't know why I never thought about it this way before." His eyebrows creased, deeply troubled. I wanted to wipe it away. "I thought, if it were me who were going through this... I don't know how to say it. Just know, that..." More hesitating. I squeezed his hands as he spoke, as he paused. Encouraging him. He sighed again. "Just know that, no matter what, if you need to vent, that's okay. Even if it's about something bad, I'll listen. You can complain, you can scream, you can tell me bad things. You don't need to hide it. You can tell me anything, even things I might not want to hear. That's okay. It'll make us stronger. I promise."

I nodded, wanting him to believe I would. It wasn't so easy, but he knew that. I didn't want to agree, because I knew I still couldn't tell him whole truths. It pained me to think that, but the true horrors of my mind... He'd caught glimpses before, but I didn't know if he was entirely prepared for them. It was one thing to promise, but I couldn't let him know. He was sad enough. No need to give him more sadness.

Encouraged, he gave me that smile I love. Changing the subject somewhat quickly, he showed me some white lace gloves he'd found in my things. Gushed about pretty they were. Their delicate patterns. I told him the story of them, that I used to wear them when I dressed punk. They could be used other ways, though. Today, they'd be the perfect accent to a light purple dress that I was wearing. A romantic thing, skirt to the floor and an empire waist with ruffled sleeves, an organza-like material. It was something I wore on stage, but it was refreshing to wear it again. He chose a simple white pearl strand of a necklace to accent the white of the gloves. One of my long blonde wigs was secured onto my head, and he carefully curled it, making me blush due to his command of the curling iron again. He perched a blue butterfly hair ornament on the back to finish.

I blushed more when he did my makeup. His intensely, serious face. So focused on his task.

I noticed he tended to like to dress me romantically. I always let him choose, because I was curious as to what he'd pick. I was too tired anyway, to think about what I wanted to wear. Putting together an outfit was exhausting. Much better to let him choose. He chose things lovingly, paying attention to what would go together. He also paid attention to if I was up for it or not. On days where I was tired or weak, he tended to go for dressing me in loose, casual things. I was grateful for this. His care in this way.

His expression changed to one of surprise when I willingly sat in my wheelchair without complaint. I folded my hands on my lap, my head down. I still didn't want to be in it, but I was choosing not to make a fuss. No more dramatics. I had to be mature, swallow my feelings. I'd been selfish yesterday and for the previous days. He told me he'd been thinking about me, so now I was thinking about him. I was under a lot of stress, but what about him?

I wasn't the only one making sacrifices. As much as my life was different, so was his. I had to remind myself. He said we were in this together. We really were. I wasn't the only one suffering.

"Is it okay?" He asked, standing in front of me. I nodded, not saying anything. He looked sad for a moment. Maybe I was betraying myself, letting him know without words. No, it wasn't okay. But I had to try. Despite my efforts, my newly pink glossed lips went into my mouth. Now I was really betraying myself. My hands tightened around each other. He shook his head slightly, those big eyes so concerned.

Without a sound, he leaned down, and his arm went behind my knees. His other arm went behind my back, and I was in the air. He turned, and we left the room.

He knew what I wanted even if I wouldn't say it.

Now it was the evening, and the TV was on. Tetsu's papa and mom had gone out for a date, and Natsuko was here. I knew she wasn't just here for a casual visit. Tetsu needed more support, but that was okay. I wanted him to get that support. It still hurt a little, though. We couldn't be alone together.

Despairing thoughts were starting again, thinking about this. Would we ever be truly alone? I was trouble. There always had to be someone else in the house just in case. It had taken me a while to put it together, that we can't be alone. That I'm too much for Tetsu to handle by himself. What did that say about me?

I yawned. It was only 8pm, but even so, I was tired. It wasn't like before, though. Usually, after dinner I'd be out. This surprised me. To be awake now. These strange, conflicting thoughts. Me being too difficult, but it was hard to deny that I was feeling physically better than previous days.

I was sitting leaned against Tetsu on the couch, my head on his shoulder. A different kind of pose than usual. I strangely felt okay enough to do this. It was surreal.

"What are you taking to Okinawa?" Natsuko asked out of the blue. She turned to us, not paying attention to the TV anymore. "You're going Monday night, right? That's only a few days away. Have you thought about it?"

Tetsu perked up at this. "Yes, I've been thinking about it. We need enough clothes for a week. I've been planning outfits. I think I've gotten it down to where we only need one suitcase. I'm pretty proud of that."

"Hmm," Natsuko gazed at us in a suspicious manner. What was that about? She jumped up a little in her chair, adjusting herself to see us better. "You've never been a light packer. Always needing to take your whole wardrobe. Where did that person go? You're so weird."

Was that true? I tried to imagine it. It made me smile. All those bags. He did seem like that sort of person, now that I thought about it.

He started laughing, and it made me so happy. I couldn't contain my smile. So strange again, to go from despairing thoughts to something so light and joyous like this. "Well, I'm trying to be more responsible. I don't need all that. They're just clothes."

"Just clothes!" Natsuko exclaimed, scandalized. "Where is my brother and what did you do with him?!" She was grinning. He was laughing so much, such big laughs. My hand wandered to his and squeezed. Hearing him laugh like this was the best medicine. I didn't need anything else. I was so grateful to her for making him laugh.

"Well, I'm still here," he said, a bit of protest in his voice, but he laughed again, making that gorgeous smile. "But, I'm planning better. You have to carry all of that. I don't want you to be a sherpa. We're not going to Mt. Everest."

"Wait, what?" Natsuko was shocked. She stared at us, her mouth wide. "What do you mean I'm carrying it?"

"Well of course you're- Oh wait. Wait!" Tetsu stopped himself, his hand going over his mouth. But in one second, that beautiful laugh was back, louder than ever. He doubled over himself, and Natsuko was laughing, too. I couldn't help but start giggling. He was adorable, so happy. He breathed deeply, trying to compose himself. "I forgot to ask you to go with us! I'm sorry, my mind has been so scattered. Will you come with us to Okinawa? I booked you a room and everything and I forgot to ask you! I can't believe it!"

Natsuko shrieked in laughter. Their faces were so similar in laughter, the same facial structure. It was striking. "Of course I'll go with you, dummy! You're such a ditz sometimes! I'm going to call Haru and tell him." She started jumping in her chair, so excited. "I get to go to Okinawa and he doesn't! I'm going to eat so much!" She fished for her cellphone in her pocket, but paused. Her jaw dropped. "Oh crap, I have to go shopping! I don't have anything!"

"Pack light," Tetsu advised her, gaining composure for this. "I'm serious. Think carefully about what you want to bring."

"Okay, I'll think about it. Who else is going? Oh, man, this is crazy," she said, swiping at her cellphone and searching. In an instant, her phone was to her ear, and she looked off into the distance, her grin never leaving her face.

"It's kind of a work trip, but yeah, we're going to have fun," Tetsu said quickly, before Haru could pick up. "I'll tell you more about it after you tell Haru."

He didn't need to say any more, because Haru answered. He wasn't on speaker, but it was evident what he was saying from Natsuko's reaction. She burst into giggles after she told him. She took her phone from her ear, and grinned at us, her hand over the speaker. "He's mad, so jealous. 'Why can't I go to Okinawa?'" She mocked his voice. She went back to the phone. "You can't come, because you're a doctor. I'm a housewife, so I can do whatever I want. Deal with it, Doctor boy." She made kissing sounds into the phone.

After she hung up, they talked about the trip more. Hearing Tetsu's ideas set me more at ease. He definitely had a plan, and that was assuring. He'd been thinking about this, despite how close it was to us leaving for it.

"The logistics of it seem difficult, but it's not. I realized that I wanted you to come, though. There's going to be a lot of us on this trip, so we'll be fine." He seemed to hesitate again, just like this morning. What did he want to say? He looked at me, an unsure face. What was it? He swallowed, looking at Natsuko again. "It's hard to say, but I've been thinking about ways to solve difficulties that we might face. I realized that in a way, this is a clever dress rehearsal for the tour, as far as travel is concerned. Seeing how we'll travel together. What kinds of things we might need to iron out. I'm glad we're doing this, because of that."

"What kinds of difficulties?" She was definitely picking up on his nervousness.

He squeezed my hand. He brought it to his lap, and put both his hands over it. Holding it like it was a precious thing. "Well, we haven't really traveled with Sana's wheelchair before. I was thinking, how will we carry our luggage? I can only carry so much. And things such as, how are we going to navigate spaces that aren't so wheelchair friendly? What if we encounter a place that isn't accessible? I worry..."

Ah, so that was why he was nervous. I'd been freaking out about anything like this lately, I knew. But strangely now, I was calm. He squeezed my hand, clasping his hands more over it, caring for me. I wanted to tell him he didn't need to hesitate, that I was fine. But, this was just another thing I couldn't bring myself to tell him. A false hope, because how would I be tomorrow? I couldn't predict how my feelings might change. It was day by day, I was realizing that now. Like a flowing river with different obstacles along the way.

Natsuko was full of concern. She leaned over her chair's armrest. "It's going to be okay. I'm glad I'm going. We'll research before we go places. We can call. There's nothing to worry about. I've kind of been doing this already, inquiring about things in Hilo, for your wedding. Don't think I forgot about that. I'm used to it by now. It's routine. I'll do it. It doesn't have to be a big deal."

Tetsu's chin went down, and he stared at our hands. "Thank you," he said sincerely. He looked up again. A gentle smile was there. "We're going to have fun, though. No matter what. Even if we encounter a space that isn't friendly, we'll go somewhere even better. It might lead us to the best thing we've ever done." He began sweeping his hand over mine, maybe absentmindedly. It felt nice.

How could he be so optimistic? So positive? Instantly, I admired this.

If he could be so positive, maybe I could, too. Maybe, there was a way to look at these things differently, and he'd already found the way. I wanted him to tell me more about it. We'd been talking about speaking more this morning. Maybe it was time to. Still, there was a nervousness there in me. A hesitance, just like his.

"Yeah, we're definitely going to have fun," Natsuko beamed at us. "Millions of people travel every day. Different kinds of people. I see no reason why we can't have fun, too. It's really not as difficult as it might seem. I've been learning that, as I research Hilo. I'm so glad I'm coming. I get to show you."

Tetsu looked more encouraged by this, that smile I love growing. He seemed relieved. "Yeah? What have you found out? What kinds of things have you been researching?"

"Hmm." She picked up the remote from it's hanging pocket over her armrest and put the TV on mute.

"Ooh," Tetsu grinned. "So serious."

She giggled. "Well, I have a lot to say, and you need to pay attention."

I felt him sit up straighter. She had my undivided attention, too. Was she a savior in disguise in this regard? Somehow, even if she wasn't, she was making me feel like it was going to be okay. That she had it under control. There was a need to trust her inside of me, even if she didn't have all the answers.

"Well, for example, on the airplane? We get to board first!" She grinned. "Like we're first class. Isn't that incredible?"

Tetsu's mouth fell open, impressed. He was so cute. I found myself grinning, too. I squeezed his hand, and he turned his head to me briefly. The smile that bloomed when he saw I was so happy. It was priceless.

Like this, we listened to her talk for a long time. Easing my fears. Putting things into place. Getting excited. It was all I could wish for. And the way she was making Tetsu react? His idea to invite her was the best thing in the world.

As I listened, I thought about my despair from earlier, about how we couldn't be alone together. But, watching him smile at her, knowing his fears were going away, too. I knew with certainty: it was okay. He needed this, and that had to be okay with me. I needed to think about what was necessary for him to feel comfortable. That yes, I wanted us to be alone sometimes. But, if that wasn't possible...

I sighed happily, watching Natsuko become even more animated. Wondering how one person could have that much energy. I smiled, finally at ease after so many days of uncertainty.