My heart was beating a little hard, but I was trying not to let it disturb me. Tetsu needed me more. The last thing we needed was me telling him I had some problem. He was the one who needed support, though maybe he was pretending he didn't need it. I always had to remember, part of his profession was that of an actor. Whether he was playing Princess Kaguya, or a fox, or an oiran, it didn't matter. This caused me to watch him speculatively.

"Where do you think would be best? I'd love to be near the beach, but I know it must be hard to book a hotel already, much less with this many people at short notice. Maybe we can find something?" Tetsu was saying to Shizue, who was on speaker phone with us. He was holding me in our bed, and I was wearing pajamas. He was wearing only pajama pants, and his bare skin was distracting me no matter how hard I tried to concentrate.

It was getting pretty late, but Shizue was off work now. It had to be this late to get ahold of her. She'd informed us she'd taken some vacation time. It all appeared so simple, and everyone was making it seem that way, but maybe they were acting, too. Saying it kindly.

"I've been looking. Unfortunately, if we want to stay in Naha, we don't have many options near the beach. However, I found a hotel that is right at the ocean. We'd have to travel to the beach from it, though. It isn't like a resort. It has a lot of rooms available, too."

Tetsu's face went cutely suspicious. "Why does it have a lot of rooms available?"

"I'm guessing due to the expense because of the location. The rooms have balconies that directly overlook the water."

He smiled again, and I watched intensely. The weight of his arm over my back was comforting, his hand splayed on my hip. It squeezed it a little. I closed my eyes, finally enjoying him. Easing a bit.

"That's exactly what I wanted. Does it look okay? What about the accessibility? Does it only have stairs?"

Shizue made a pleased sound. "I checked already. I thought you might like this one. Everyone who goes to Okinawa wants to stay on the water, I know. Really, it seems like the ideal place. Everything looks accessible. They even have wheelchair accessible rooms. It looks pretty friendly like that."

I didn't want to think about that.

"Oh, good. Good. Can you send me the link to the website? I think we should book as soon as possible. Who knows if they'll sell out? We need five rooms. That's quite a lot, especially since we have specific needs. I want our room to connect with Sawai-san's and my sister's. I imagine getting an accessible room which connects with something must be rare."

I didn't want to talk about this. I wanted them to talk about anything else. But then...

Tetsu made a grumbling little noise in the back of his throat, his eyebrows creased, the corners of his lips downturned. "What about the restaurant menu? I want to make sure they have things Sana can eat, especially for breakfast. We can go to a grocery store and get things, too, but I don't want us to miss out due to a non-inclusive menu."

I sighed deeply, pressing my eyes closed hard. Trying not to get frustrated. My earlier thought came back. What was the point of going on vacation if I was bringing all of my problems with me? Would I ever escape? Already, my problems were interfering. The inability to stay any place, needing an accessible room... I wanted to throw up. This wasn't the kind of vacation I wanted.

An accessible room? I didn't want one. I wanted to be just like everyone else. Nothing special. The idea of there being features in there to... What was the point of going at all? It would all just be a reminder. I was different. It didn't matter. We'd just be in the same place, but different. The same world. It had been a nice idea, but it was just...

"I'll look at it. I imagine it'll be standard fare. Maybe they'll have-"

"I don't want to go anymore."

My heart dropped into my stomach at what I'd just said. I hadn't meant to say it, but it-

Tetsu made a tiny gasp in his throat. Shizue was silent. Hot tears were starting behind my eyelids. Heavy tears. I recognized this feeling now. This despair. So familiar.

I wanted to hide. Take it back. Let them dream about a nice vacation. It wasn't just about me. They were trying to be nice. I knew that. Thinking about me. But all their talk did was...

"I'm sorry," I choked, unable to hide my feelings. A fast blush was invading. In the low light of my bedstand, I knew Tetsu could see it. My eyes opened, and I saw him through a fog of hurrying tears. But, instead of trying to hide it, I tried a different tactic. Even without my glasses, and through all this blurriness, I could see his sad face. I'd done the opposite of my intent. I'd made him even sadder. He was already sad, because he had to take off the kimono he was wearing. I'd only made it worse. Always. "I..." I swallowed, trying to compose myself. It didn't work. The tears came out, rolling down, and I saw his blurry image more clearly. "I don't want an accessible room. I don't want to be different. I don't want the restaurant menu to be special, either. I- don't- I don't know what I want- so..."

My heart was starting to pound. Oh no. Not again. Why couldn't I stop? Stop making a problem. Don't be a problem.

Tetsu put his phone down on the bedstand. Shizue started talking, trying to calm me down.

"Sana, it's okay. You're not any different. I promise that's not the case," she was saying.

But, Tetsu's hands slid onto my cheeks, cupping them briefly. They slid down, to my shoulders, and finally folded under my armpits. Like this, he gently pulled me forward like I was nothing, no weight at all. He was so strong. In moments, he'd adjusted us both, and the side of my face was on his neck. I was completely on top of him, and he was hugging me with both arms, so tight. Our customary pose. I sniffled, knowing he could hear it in full right next to his ear.

His voice came so gently, the most peaceful thing. Soothing me. Shizue stopped speaking as soon as he said a word. "I'm sorry," his sadness in every word. This sadness I was trying to protect him against, but it was all my fault. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I made a small squeaking sound in my crying, nuzzling into his neck more.

"I don't want to be any different," I whispered, unable to be any louder. My throat was too tight. Trying to stop myself.

"Shizue," Tetsu said, his voice a bit commanding. "We'll talk later, okay? I'll book the rooms, but we can cancel if we need to, right?"

"That's right," she sounded so sad.

All my fault.

"We'll talk to you later, okay? Good-night. Tell Hikaru I said good-night, too." He sounded so casual. He was anything but casual. The way he was holding me. He was desperate, like he was keeping me from falling.

"I will. Good-night." Said cautiously, full of worry.

The phone made a noise of disconnection.

My throat made me unable to breathe. Pressure in my chest came up, and I hyperventilated air into my mouth, choking on it, gasping and wheezing. My eyes closed so hard, trying to control myself.

Why was this happening? Why was I doing this?

I should just die.

I coughed hugely, my stomach heaving at all the air trying to enter my body, two functions acting at once, trying to replenish the air I wasn't getting. Tears squeezed out of my shut eyes.

"Oh- oh- Sana!" Tetsu gasped hard, quickly rolling me onto the bed. My eyes opened a little, and I saw he was propped on his elbow on the side, his blurred features desperate. My back arched, trying to get me to breathe.

"I can't- breathe-" I wheezed, my voice riding on the overflow of air. I coughed on it, choking again. I had to gain control. It was all my fault, all this air. I was trying to- My heart-

"You're panicking! It's okay, it's okay, think of nice things. Like Yami said. What did he say? I can't remember- I can't- Sana-a, Sana, please remember? It's going to be okay. You're okay. I'll get your inhaler. You're going to be okay. I promise."

I closed my eyes again, coughing. His weight left the bed, but it was back in a flash. He crawled to me, those specific movements. His thumb was on my bottom lip, and I knew what came next. My inhaler entered my mouth, and I tried so hard.

I gagged on the puff of air from it. Too much air in my mouth. The puff came again, and I gagged so hard that I almost threw up. I curled over in it, my body spending too much, overcome. My inhaler left my mouth, and I heard it clatter on the bedstand. His arms were taking me again. He was sweating, too hot on my body.

I struggled against him, trying to breathe.

Look at all the trouble I'm causing. We should be going on a nice vacation. What am I doing? What is the point? What is the point?!

But, out of my personal darkness...

His voice became that of Aurelia. A beautiful melody. One I didn't recognize, an old folk song. His cheek met the top of my head, holding me on our sides. Loving me. The words didn't matter, just his dear voice. Trying to calm me.

I listened, as his voice became like a mother's. I couldn't describe it. It had that tonality, almost inappropriate, but the best thing in the world. How did it give off that feeling? Like a mother soothing a child? He embodied that spirit. It became his, for just a few moments as his voice filled the room.

My mouth was open, but I realized, as he finished, that I wasn't breathing wildly anymore. I was breathing hard, but it was more normal. My heart was pumping fast, but not pounding. It hurt still.

As he finished, my lip went out. This child-like thing. I sucked it back in, pressing my lips together. My throat choked, and the most pitiful crying came from me. Everything I held back and didn't tell him. All my worries, that I was different. These things I didn't want to think about. They'd built up, and I hadn't even noticed. Coming out, when they were talking about an accessible room.

"I don't want to use a wheelchair," I sobbed into him. "I don't want to be on a special diet. I want to swim. I want to walk around and sh- shop, and I want to go eat fun things with everyone, and I want to- to-" I couldn't speak anymore. My face was completely wet, soaking his chest. My forehead pressed to it, and I was shaking in my sobs. All these things so crammed inside, that I'd forgotten they were there.

"I love you," he whispered to me, kissing the top of my head, then resting his cheek back again. His arms tightened more, surrounding me in his love.

"Tetsu... What... What am I going to do? What... I can't go have fun with everyone, and... What am I going to do...?"

He hugged me impossibly closer. His arms slid up my back, and he began to rock me back and forth. It felt incredible. Exactly what I needed.

"Whatever it is, we'll do it together. You don't have to do it alone. I'm here. That's all that matters."

I hyperventilated quickly twice, making little gasps, my throat going tight again. The pressure released, and a long, high sound came from it. Like a dog crying.

As he rocked me gently, he began to make the most beautiful sounds of love. Touching my heart deeply, giving me everything he had. Little tsking sounds, kissing sounds, clicking sounds, his lips against my hairline. Saying without words, another language, his desperate attempts to show me his attention and care.

Like this, I eventually fell asleep. So soothed, that it was a natural thing. So loved, that there's no need to worry anymore. So comforted, that there's nothing else in the world.