I was staring out of the black window, listening to the conversation around me, but not a part of it. Trying to ignore them. Wanting to put it out of my mind. Just stop all of this. Yami and Tetsu were talking, and Keitaro was listening. Masaki was giving his opinion every now and again, and Nobu was silent.

"I think we should put more on Fleeting World," Keitaro interrupted them. "They'll want to help. They'll make this as smooth as possible. I know you said you want to find an attorney for the possibility of a medical bill. I think Fleeting World should be a part of that. They're responsible for their artists. We can talk to them."

"Don't talk about medical bills," Nobu said suddenly. He sounded desperate. Like he'd wanted to say something for a while.

A liquid-y mess was starting up in my lungs. Like I had a cold. Oh. I needed to cough. Was it my asthma? Well, here we go again. A heaviness there. Absolutely. I pressed my lips closed. My lips in my mouth. Fighting it. They didn't even know I was awake. If they looked at the window, they'd see my open eyes. But, all of them were huddled together next to my bed on chairs and standing, leaning against the wall. Not paying attention. As it should be.

Despite how much I was worried about it, I kind of just wanted to be in Okinawa. Yami and I, walking around, looking at cool things. Shizue and I going to a nail salon, having a girl day. Masaki and Nobu challenging me to an eating contest, going to the best restaurant. Tetsu and I on the beach, watching the sunset fill the sky with orange and red.

Get away from all this. I wanted to try hard, but it was only turmoil. Making my own problems. That was the diagnosis. It'd happened before, and it would happen again. A moment of clarity, with them having to say it over and over. Caused by stress. I was being my own prophet, spelling my own doom.

I could save myself such agony by just being casual about things. My life would be so much better without worry. So much time saved. Time I'd rather be spending having fun. There's that phrase in English, "how you spend your time." Spend. Like time is currency, and you only have so much of it. How would you spend your time? I'd rather spend mine having fun. But, the worry just kept coming, no matter how much I wanted to fight it.

I knew the root cause. That much I'd been able to determine by myself. I was definitely worried that I'd ruin everything just like in 2010. A big calamity, burning down our stage, a one person flame. Destroying everyone's dreams. It was so easy to do. What if I had an emergency just before Madison Square Garden? How disappointed everyone would be. It would be easier if they hated me and wished I was dead. All that disappointment I'd cause. Their, "oh, next time", "surely there'll be another one", "it's okay, Sana, it's not your fault." Except they'd be saying this on a scale a million times bigger. Seeing their hurt, knowing I caused that.

If I let myself, I'd get carried away with these thoughts. Too much for me. Before I could stop myself, I'd be having another problem. I'd passed out tonight. That much I knew. Now I was in the hospital again. May as well be here every day.

It was so hard not think these things. Look at the positive. We'd just been gifted a house. A beautiful house, one I'd wanted so badly. I'd been in Tetsu's arms today, drifting off to sleep. I was so happy. But, it was brief. That having to bring up the word "but". Such a nasty habit. Why couldn't I just have that happiness? Why did there have to be an addendum? What was wrong with me?

I could have just talked about Okinawa with them. Talked about America. It was so exciting to go to these places. Why couldn't I focus on that instead? Why did I have to constantly think of the negative? The worst possible scenario?

...Because, I was the worst possible scenario all the time. That's why.

"I think we should go to Okinawa right away. Forget planning. Let's all jump in. Now. Pack your bags. That's it. We're going to be making money soon from the tour and the mini-album, right? Why can't we quit our jobs and dive feet first? Isn't that what we've been wanting? Nobu, I know even you can agree. You only want to play Lily all day. I heard you say that before. And Masaki, you hate IT. Admit it. Computers suck. Can't Fleeting World support us financially as we make the mini-album? Some kind of advance for all of us? They're pretty confident in us, right? Let's see it."

Yami was making wild claims. Somehow, he was making me smile a little, though. There was that running towards the bull attitude that I lacked. In some ways, he really was like my other half. I was cautious and full of worry, always wondering about the worst. But, he was this childish person who never thought of the consequences. He wanted to live life, and fuck all the nonsense. If we ended up somewhere, we ended up somewhere. Because of him, in 2010, we'd ended up on Yellow Lizard's door, having won the contest he made us enter. Maybe it was time I listened to him.

I chose this time to speak. Let them know. He'd given me courage.

"I think that's an excellent idea," I said, louder than I usually spoke. Less cautious.

"You're awake?" Yami asked. Everyone looked toward me. I saw the edges of my eyes curl in the glass. All this sudden attention.

"Dammit, Yami, I was about to argue with you. I had the perfect response," Nobu sighed, but he was smiling in my direction.

"Stop fighting and kiss already," I sighed. Tetsu snorted in sudden laughter, his hand going over his mouth, his eyes huge in shock. Keitaro couldn't help himself, either. Masaki's mouth fell open.

"Whaaat?" Nobu burst into laughter. "You must be feeling better. Making jokes."

"Gross," Yami grinned at me.

Tetsu came over to the bed, and I rolled over to him. Above me, he stood regally. His hair fell over his forehead and eyes, staring down at me with that lovely smile. "Are you feeling better?" He asked, a crease in his brow, worried for me.

I coughed a little in response. His brow crease deepened. The back of his hand laid gently on my forehead, checking my temperature. I closed my eyes, feeling all the joy from his skin touching me.

"Not a fever. Hmm. Are you having trouble breathing? Asthma?" He asked himself, kind of a mumble. Trying to figure me out.

"I'll get his inhaler," Yami said, already going towards my purse.

There was something nice smelling in here. Now that I'd rolled over, I could smell it more. I breathed in, trying to get the scent. It was like flowers on a breeze. Where was it coming from? But, as I breathed, the liquid-y feeling in my chest stopped me. I coughed again, covering my mouth with my hand. Ah, so I wasn't feeling too weak anymore. That was a good thing.

Try to think of the positive. Maybe this could be my go-to. If the absolute worst could happen, what was the absolute positive? Wasn't there an equal chance of each happening?

Tetsu's hand floated over my face, and the back of his hand alighted on the underside of my jaw, still checking my temperature. In this, I caught the scent in full. It was coming from his hands. So sweet and clean smelling. A memory was there. Clicking a gift basket full of skin care products to give to him on Valentine's Day. A small bottle of tulip scented lotion had been included. Was this it?

And just like that, it hit me. I was already shifting my thinking. Distracted. They'd just been talking about medical bills, something that had made me go off the deep end today. Remembering that I'd read that taking care of the aftermath of a heart attack, open heart surgery, in America could cost six-hundred thousand dollars, not to mention the cost of the hospital stay. Worrying about this all day, as they were all talking about something so positive as Okinawa at our new house. Losing sight of the amazing opportunity we had, but instead dwelling on that fact. And was it even a fact?

I didn't want to think about medical bills. I wanted to think about Okinawa. Remembering what I'd read, there was a giant aquarium there. Instead of remembering a long ago article about open heart surgery and its costs, why not remember that there was a giant aquarium in Okinawa, a true fact that would make Tetsu so happy? We could have talked about the aquarium.

We still could.

"Come here," I said quietly to him, only for him. He got a curious, cute look. He came nearer, and our faces were so close that I felt his lovely breath.

"Hmm?" He asked. I wanted to linger being so close. But, I had a mission.

"Okinawa has an aquarium, right?" I asked.

Oh, the reward from this question. His smile became like a sun, so dazzling. So close. So warm. "Yes, there's an aquarium," he answered, so happily. That's all I wanted. This is what positive could get me. This beautiful thing.

"Here's his inhaler," Yami said, interrupting, but I understood why.

"Oh- oh, yes," Tetsu said. He seemed like he was coming out of a trance. So was I. He took my inhaler, and held it in his fist. In moments, he was helping me sit up. I felt surprisingly good. My chest wasn't heavy anymore. I had more energy. My head still hurt a little, and I needed to cough, but all told, I felt a lot better. "Okay?" He asked, cautious. I nodded, and he put my inhaler in my mouth. I closed my eyes, and he made it puff. Like always, it choked me. My throat resisted a lot, but I was able to do it without gagging. He did it again, and this time was worse. I coughed, and he took it out of my mouth too early. That was okay, though. As long as I had the majority of the medicine. He leaned me over, and patted my back so kindly as I coughed. It felt good to cough.

I finished, and he attempted to get the bed propped up. Nobu jumped in, using his expert hands to do it so quickly. I was so grateful to him. With it propped, they both rested me gently against the back of it. Nobu took my pillow and punched it a few times, then put it behind my head. It felt so good.

Tetsu smoothed down my hair, always caring that I looked my best. I wanted to kiss him. The depth of his caring was never lost on me. I wanted to take him in my arms and hug him for a long time. Needing him, and wanting him to feel loved. But, everyone was here. However, there that worrying was again.

"I should let his nurse know that he's up," Nobu said, looking around at everyone for approval. "They can check him and see if he's alright."

"That's a good idea," Masaki agreed.

"I wonder if he's doing well enough, if he can go home." Yami sat down in a chair. "You should ask."

"I'm not going to ask a medical professional something like that. It's assumptive," Nobu replied, going out of the door.

Yami shrugged, obviously unbothered by Nobu's hostile attitude. It was a strange new maturity in him. Usually, things like that would make him fly off the handle. Once Nobu was out of the room, he got more serious, though. He leaned forward in his seat toward Keitaro.

"Okay, so let's talk about Okinawa. Let's talk about Fleeting World supporting us through the mini-album. Sana thinks it's a good idea. When are we going to Okinawa?" He asked.

"This is something that needs to be amended in the contracts, then. They'd have to agree to support you all during the making of the mini-album, and by how much and with what sorts of things," he explained.

"Is that going to take a long time? I'd rather take a week without pay in order to get Sana out of here and into the sun. I know what he needs. I've known him for a long time. Okinawa would remind him of home. It's something he used to say a lot when we first met. He wanted to go home."

I pressed my lips together, blush rising to my cheeks. Oh, Yami... So, he'd thought of going to Okinawa because of that? It was exactly my thinking, too. He knew all this all along.

Keitaro nodded slowly. "I think we should go to Okinawa, and Fleeting World can process and make a decision. It's a lot to go through right now, lots of paperwork and talk. If Sana needs to go to Okinawa right now, then we should focus on that. I've been thinking. I really did drop America on you all pretty fast. It was a lot all at once. We've had this tour planned for over a year, getting the little details done and all. To me, it seems like a done deal, something I'm used to and prepared for. I forgot how big of a deal it actually is, because I've gotten used to the idea."

"That's okay," Tetsu said, turning to him. "Of course you wanted to tell us. It's something anyone would dream of. We're excited."

"Too excited," Yami said pointedly, eyeing me. My blush deepened. "I think you're right, though. We should focus on Okinawa as a first step. We'll all be there together. It has been a while since we've all been together like that. It'd be like a long version of practicing in Sana's apartment. We can get used to each other again, in that way. Let's think of all this in small steps. Maybe that will help."

Masaki held up his finger, trying to interrupt. "Ah, yes. I make lists at work with steps that I need to complete before I can go home. I can make one of those for us. How about we only focus on the present step? Any attempt to look at the other steps always makes things a mess. So, we can only allow ourselves the present step. Agreed?" He asked. Always analyzing things. He'd broken it down in a way I could understand. Always the most mature of us.

"Absolutely agreed," Yami said, grinning. "You hear that, Sana? That means you can only think about Okinawa until we say so. Got it?"

It sounded so nice. Thinking about the beach and the shopping. I sighed deeply. My asthma medicine was working beautifully.

"That sounds nice," I said, wanting so much to agree. To believe in this list that would be made.

"Let's look up the aquarium and plan our visit," Tetsu jumped right in. He fumbled in his pocket, and got out his cellphone.

Keitaro perked up even more, smiling wonderfully at us. "I forgot there was an aquarium. This is going to be amazing. I kind of wish I could bring my family along. Maybe I should plan a second vacation for after the tour. I can take them there."

"You should," Tetsu said, looking back at him briefly and then at his phone, quickly bringing up a page about the aquarium. "The more you relax, the better. The more everyone relaxes, the better."

A big smile settled on my cheeks as his phone went in front of me, and his hair pressed against my face as he got level. Keitaro and Masaki got up from their chairs, crowding around me to see. Yami was the last to join, craning his neck to get a good look. Like this, we must have been a sight to see when my nurse and Nobu came back. But, we were lost in what we were doing. I was finally joining in on the fun, and all it took was a little trust and a small change in perspective.