"It's okay. It's going to be okay. Darling, listen to my voice. They're on the way. You're fine. You're beautiful. Slowly. Slowly."

I reached out my hand to him, but it didn't go. He reached for my hand instead, taking it. My head was full of sounds like under the ocean. Too strange. My heart was pounding, making it hard to breathe. Wheezing.

Why, all of a sudden? My head started to hurt. My eyebrows creased in pain.

"Shh. Shh. Don't speak. I'm here for you. You don't need to say anything. I know already." His grip tightened on my fingers. "Don't close your eyes. Won't you? It's better if you don't. Show me."

My eyes closed for a longer time, trying to stay open. For him.

The sound of a siren in the distance.

"Here they come. I'm going downstairs to get them. I'll be right back. He can't sleep. Don't let him sleep." Sawai-san.

He nodded, never taking his locked eyes off me. Those large, beautiful brown eyes. So focused.

"You're okay. I'm right here. Focus on my face. You're okay." His hand went through my bangs, the most comforting thing.

"I have to..." I couldn't get it out. How could I let him know? I shifted around a little on the couch, uncomfortable.

"Baby..." Said so vulnerable, desperate. Despair.

Tears overflowed from me at this. His despairing face.

"Baby, it's going to be okay," he whispered, tears shining in his eyes. He sniffled. He didn't believe it, either. The last word, drawn out in his crying. We both dissolved, crying with each other.

They'd rushed to hook me up to machines, to take an EKG, everything. My blood pressure was much too high. Did I eat too much salt? Had I been stressed? Yes, I'd been stressed. Thinking about impossible things.

Madison Square Garden.

I'd never say a word, though. He might not go for it if I said anything. I kept my mouth shut.

He was holding me now, it was safe. We were propped up in the hospital bed, in the same hospital as before. His arms were around my belly, his head on my shoulder. Loving me. My heart was still pounding. I was given oxygen, the little piece in my nose and the tubes taped to my face. Helping me breathe.

Why did it have to happen this way? So suddenly. I was doing better. But, even if I was doing better, there's still monsters inside that come out. Reminding me that I'm always hunted, it doesn't matter. I can feel good and that was fine, but they would always be there lying in wait.

A tour of America. There would be sixteen cities over the course of two months. Seemed like an impossible number. All of it was impossible to me, really. How would I go? I'd get in the way. It wasn't for me.

I should be left behind and let everyone else enjoy it. Honestly, when Tetsu announced it the other day, my immediate thought was, "yay, everyone is doing amazing. I'm so happy for them." I didn't include myself in it. I knew right away that I couldn't go.

How could they keep such an intensive schedule if I was there? I wouldn't be able to keep up. I'd be ten steps behind everyone else. Struggling. I didn't want to drag them behind with me, too. They had much more important things to think of. Such an incredible pace.

When Tetsu started talking to me about it today, I panicked. I tried not to let it show. He talked about it little by little. Telling me that Keitaro wanted to help make things easier for us on the tour, adjust things.

I didn't want him to adjust anything. Don't do anything special. I don't want anything to change for me. I want to be like them. But, dreaming about that was like me wishing I was a bird. That kind of freedom. An impossible dream.

I immediately thought, I wish I could walk around and run and have fun with everybody. Let me show you America. Let's go eat some fast food and go out and take in the night. Let's walk around and see cool things. Let's go shopping and be loud and ridiculous. Let's act like children in the street and not give a shit, because it's America and nobody gives a shit about you.

Then, I thought about the romantic stuff. Things I could do with Tetsu. Things I'd seen in romantic movies. Let's go sit on a bench in Central Park and watch ducks. Let's go on a horse carriage ride. Let's walk on a beach boardwalk eating ice cream cones hand in hand.

He talked about things we can do, like ask the catering service that would be there to have things I can eat. He talked about widening the hallway of our tour bus to accommodate my wheelchair. Finding where the wheelchair ramps are at venues and other places we would go.

The reality was so different than my daydream. No reason to daydream anymore. There was only reality, a reality I didn't want. My heart started to pound, thinking I am trapped.

I'm trapped, I'm trapped, I'm trapped.

I can't get away from this. I'm going to ruin it all. Don't take me on tour with you. I want to run away. I need to get out of here. Go have a good life and leave me behind, I'm ruining your life!

I'm ruining everyone's life!

But, I smiled at him as he talked. Acting like I believed it, saying yes. Little lies. It's like the original name of my band. Little Lyra. In Japanese, it sounds like Little Liar. Named after me.

He eventually saw I wasn't doing well. Watching me. I couldn't hide it anymore. His eyes becoming more concerned over time. It was too late. I was out of control. I couldn't stop it. I caused an asthma attack, and my heart was pounding so hard. My heart didn't stop pounding after my inhaler. I still couldn't breathe.

My chest was painful now. This was bad. I didn't say anything.

If I get rid of myself, will you have a good life?

"Sana... Sa-na-ah... You're crying. Oh... Baby, you're crying. Tell me. You can tell me now. I'll listen." So sweet. His arms tightened around me from behind.

I couldn't stop the tears. They wouldn't stop coming. I breathed in a hitched breath, coughing a little in it. My throat too wet, choking me.

I want to go away.

"Are you scared? I know it's scary. Breathe, darling. Breathe. I'm right here." That desperate voice again.

"I don't-" Said so much louder than I meant to. He started to rub my belly, trying to soothe me. I felt nauseous. "I don't- I don't want to go on tour- I- I- I-" I couldn't say any more. Couldn't say my true feelings. It was horrible. Terrible thoughts. He didn't need to know these things.

"Baby... Breathe, okay?" He kissed my ear twice, and rubbed his cheek on it. It was so warm.

"Tetsu... I'm sorry... I'm sor-ry..."

"Shh. It's alright. I love you." Said in a whisper in my ear that he adored.

I love you. After I said that?

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

"You don't have to be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about."

"Go without me... I'm going to ruin it..."

"Oh, darling, no." Said in a quick breath. So final. Like there was no argument to it. The closest thing he'd ever done to me like scolding. Like I was about to touch something too hot on the stove.

I paused, a little shocked at this. But my throat came open, a slow sob emanating. Filling the room. A long, high whine. After a few moments, he was sobbing with me.

"Baby, don't make that sound. Please don't make that sound? ...Baby, I'm sorry... I'm so sor-ryyy..."

My heart was still pounding an hour later. I was too hot. My chest hurt. They gave me medicine, but it wasn't working. They were talking about giving me more. My eyes were fluttering open and shut. Tetsu had pinched me a few times when they lingered closed.

Sawai-san was trying to keep me cool. She'd brought ice and told Tetsu to wipe a cube on my forehead from time to time. She was fanning me with a fan she'd made out of paper. It did feel good. It made me more relaxed.

"I think it's stress," Sawai-san said, finally speaking after a while. "The tour is already stressful. Of course it would be. We have to take things slow. Focus on the music, not the technicalities. That's what you used to do in the past with Yuuhi, right, Sana? Whenever he got too stressed about performing. He wanted to do tricks with his sticks, but you said to cut the nonsense and make sure it just sounded good. It always worked in the end, right? He sounded better. You really know what you're doing with the music. Let that be your guide. Believe in yourself. It will all work out in the end."

It was a good speech, but she was missing the point. I appreciated her for trying, though.

Tetsu shook his head rapidly behind me. "That's not what this is about. I shouldn't have talked about it. It's too soon to discuss, anyway. I don't know what I was thinking."

Sawai-san leaned forward with my cup of ice water and straw. I took the straw in my mouth and drank a bit. It's what she wanted me to do. It was good, focusing my energy on something else.

"You were thinking you wanted to talk about the tour. It's exciting. Don't blame yourself. That's a bad road to go down."

She was preaching to the choir.

Sure, the tour was exciting. If you weren't sick. If you could walk and run and play.

I choked on my breath a little bit. Tetsu felt this, and hugged me tighter. My hands gripped his arms at this. Loving him back.

Thinking about it logically, what would I bring to this tour? They didn't really need me. Tetsu could sing anything I wrote. Hikaru could play any violin I'd contribute. I wasn't needed. There was no reason for me to come. I could write all their music and they could leave without me. I was a-

"Sana! Sana- Sah-nah!"

I swallowed hard, breathing too fast. I closed my eyes.

"This isn't working," Sawai-san said quickly. "You're stressed out. That's the cause of all this. It's a panic attack, I promise. There's nothing physically happening, it's all mental this time, causing a physical reaction. That's what they're going to find."

"I can't rule anything out," Tetsu said, quieter. Unsure.

"I can. He started going down this road when he heard about the tour. I don't think that's a coincidence."

Tetsu breathed in hugely behind me, his stomach pressing against my back. "It might be a coincidence." Even more unsure.

"It's not your fault," she said, reiterating. "I think we all need to have a discussion, though. Everyone, meaning Lyra. A second part of what you all talked about. Something logical. Would that be acceptable? I know it's natural to get excited about this. But we have certain realities."

"I'm overwhelmed." A sudden admission that surprised even me. Like it fell out of my body.

Tetsu mumbled something in my ear that I couldn't make out, but it sounded extremely sympathetic. He hugged me even tighter. My hands gripped him way too hard.

"When we get this reaction under control, we'll call them. We have to talk about this. We're going to go home, and we'll talk about it." Sawai-san. So logical. Sometimes she could act like a kid, even younger than us, but she was reminding me that she was every bit of her sixty-three years of age.

"Okay," I breathed. Tetsu nodded on my shoulder, pressing his cheek to mine again. I closed my eyes, drinking in his warmth. Feeling his love.