-August 2005-

The Summer evening was being pierced by the sounds of video game characters fighting each other. We sat in the living room on the day bed, beating the crap out of each other on screen. My mom was working late, and had left dinner in the fridge for us. We'd quickly eaten and sat down to play.

We'd spent all day together. Sakura's mom was against it, but she was being more rebellious lately. Secretly, I was rooting for her. It was time that she was more independent, and to show more of herself. She didn't have to do what people told her to all the time.

Lately, as well, she'd been telling me about a curious thing. Something that made her not want to go home even more.

"We went out to another restaurant last night," she'd told me today. "They were there again. That boy from China. My dad's been talking about the company expanding to China. China is big business, and if we sell our products there, who knows how the company can take off? But, it's a hard market to crack. We ate dinner with them again, with that boy's family. His family owns a large food company, like we do. I don't like it."

The boy. They'd started going to Chinese restaurants with the boy's family in the early Summer. From what she'd told me, her family had tried to introduce themselves to American markets, resulting in her being born in America, but had failed. Now, they were trying to get into China. It was not hard to see what they were doing.

It wasn't rare in the upper class for arranged marriages to happen.

Over my dead body.

I thought about this as my video game character did a combo on screen, K'O-ing her character for a second time.

"I'll get you this time," she said. "Let me choose someone else."

We went back to the character select screen, and I watched her concentrate on who to choose next. It wasn't fair. She was going to be eighteen in November. I was almost eighteen, my birthday being September 24th. As she chose a strong looking male character, I had a crazy idea.

If these meetings with this boy were going where we thought they were going, I'd stop it. She couldn't get married to him if she was already married. Her family would have no control over her anymore. They'd never be able to send her to China forever, where I'd never see her again. She needed me, too. It wasn't only me being selfish.

I knew she didn't like me like that. But, if it meant the difference between her being able to stay in Japan with me, or going to China with that boy? Which one would she choose?

She could marry me and stay in Japan.

My mom would love it. She could stay with us in our apartment, like we always talked about. No more need to go home. She'd already be home. She'd never have to go back there again.

The more I thought about it, the better it got.

I stopped playing, and her character whipped mine into submission. She knocked out my character in record time, just like she said she would. She dropped her controller and clapped her hands, throwing them into the air above her head in victory. I paused the game, and the sound turned off. I turned to her, and my arm went out to the side, and she gave me an excited look, knowing what was coming.

"Body slam!" I called out, knocking her over onto the bed with my arm as I moved forward, falling onto the bed, too. She giggled so much, and I laughed, too. She kicked out her legs, ready to fight me like usual. But, that wasn't my plan this time.

We settled down, and laid next to each other. It was just like all those late nights when she stayed over. We'd sleep in my bedroom. I'd cuddle her close, because she needed that affection. We'd fall asleep like two puppies looking for warmth. Secretly, I'd admire her as she slept, moving the hair out of her face, making sure she was covered by the blanket, keeping her warm.

I opened my mouth to speak, to tell her my plan, but saw she was looking upwards to the side. I followed her gaze, and saw something beautiful that she'd noticed.

On the frosted glass of the screen door leading to the balcony, a white moth was tapping, its shape showing and then disappearing like a ghost. Gentle waving of its wings, slowly alighting and taking flight. Such a peaceful little thing, so quiet, hardly there to notice.

We watched this for a while, enjoying the dance of the moth taking flight. As we watched, I took her hand, and she didn't protest. A calmness washed over me, like this was how it was supposed to be. Just she and I, a Summer night, in a cozy apartment by ourselves. It could be like this forever, if she'd say yes.

Slowly, her heat overcame me. Confusion. Her arms went around me, and her head pressed against my chest. With a gasp, I embraced her and held her tightly to me. It was my dream. Was it real? Was she really doing this? She breathed in a long breath, and held me tight.

Many minutes passed by, and my hand rested on the back of her head, her smooth hair in my fingers. I held the small of her back, and I wanted to kiss her. Kiss her, and ask her to marry me. Never so sure of anything in my life.

But, with dread filling me, she began to sniffle. Her body rocked in more and more intense sobs, and I held her even tighter.

"What's wrong?" I asked, rubbing her back now. Trying to soothe her. Anything to make her happy again.

"I didn't want to tell you," she said, muffled in my t-shirt.

"What?" I asked, trying to get her to show me her face. She separated from my shirt, and looked up at me. Her beautiful eyes were red and puffy. I slid her up my body so that we were face to face, but didn't stop holding her. She needed to be held. She made little gasping sounds, trying to be polite even when she was crying. She didn't need to be polite with me.

"We-" She made a big gasp, and I worried she might need her inhaler. She was crying too much. I swept back her hair, and she made a kind of kitten sneeze sound. Trying to suppress her crying.

"It's okay," I said, being as gentle as I could. "You can tell me anything."

She hyperventilated for a few seconds, and I rubbed her back more. Waiting.

"We- we're moving to Shanghai. We- we're moving! I don't want to move! I want to stay here! They announced it last night... That... That boy and I are getting married when I turn eighteen. I don't even get to finish high school... My mom said it's not important. That I don't need it, as a wife. We- we're in 2005! How can this happen in 2005? I want to finish high school! I don't want to move to China! I don't want to get m- married...!" She let out a huge sob, her face in agony.

My face turned to steel. Over my dead body. That thought again, this time for real. But, what she said changed my plan immediately. She didn't want to get married, that I'd heard. She wanted to finish high school, and be a normal person. She didn't want to move, she wanted to stay here.

My mouth opened to tell her my new plan, but she interrupted me before I could say it. And what she said changed my entire world. In the loudest voice I'd ever heard her use, she shouted her frustration.

"I DON'T WANT TO MARRY THAT BOY! I'M TRANSGENDER, AND IF I TRANSITION AND CHANGE MY GENDER MARKER BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY, WE CAN'T GET MARRIED AND I WIN!"

Holy crap.

I blinked over and over, my mouth open. She was breathing hard, so serious. It wasn't a joke.

"What?" It was all I could think to say.

Time passed, as I had taken it in. She'd been patient, waiting for me. She knew it was a lot, but she trusted me. She knew I wouldn't reject her. Why would I? She wasn't any different to me. This was who she always was, right? So why was she any different?

"I'm like the moth on the balcony door," she explained to me, so calm. "I'm a caterpillar now, but soon I will be a moth. When I turn eighteen, I get my first yearly allowance. I'm supposed to use it for clothes and my essentials, to keep up appearances for my family. I know how much it is. I'm going to use some of it to transition, get surgery to get a male chest. I'm going to change my gender marker on my birth certificate, and my name. My family won't own me anymore, and I get to be me. I've been planning it for an entire year, as soon as I learned the amount I'd be getting. The Chinese boy complicates things, but he won't matter. I'll go to America to do it, because you can do that at eighteen in America, for sure. I'll come back and finish out high school. I'll finally be independent. I'll be me."

"Have you always felt this way?" I asked, holding her tighter.

"Pretty much. I know I'm a boy. I can't explain it. It's how I see the world."

"A boy? Then... Should I be calling you Sakura, and referring to you as a girl? I know a little bit about this stuff, because you talk about Aurelia a lot. She talks about this kind of stuff in magazines, right? What's the terminology?"

She looked pleased, such a warm expression. "It's because of Aurelia that I'm so sure. I was already thinking about it, but seeing her be herself... That changed things. I know there's people out there who accept people like me. In fact, people like me can thrive. Queer people can thrive these days, and be free." She paused, starting to get carried away. She smiled at me. "You can refer to me as a boy. I like... I like the name Hiroki."

I blinked several times. She seemed to change before my eyes, thinking of her in this context.

A boy. Named Hiroki. I was holding a boy named Hiroki...

I was kind of fine with that. If Hiroki was Sakura, and Sakura was Hiroki...

Slowly, things were changing in me. Resetting, like little switches. Thinking of her in different ways. What sorts of things were changing? What needed to change? What did I need to do?

I kind of forgot what we were talking about. In shock, despite trying to play it cool.

"You aren't talking. Are you okay?" Concern spread over her eyes. Or rather... His eyes.

"Y- yeah, I'm okay. I'm cool."

"You're not okay."

Crap. How could I show him I was okay with it? Ah.

"You are Hiroki Morita, and I'm okay." That pretty smile appeared. Relief filled me. It was the same smile as always. "So wh-" I swallowed. "What changes, then? You're still you, but what changes? Are you going to treat me the same? How should I treat you? Or- I don't know what's going to change. Do you still like flowers and girly stuff? I know you like baseball, and video games, and... I should have really guessed, because of the baseball, and you like to wrestle me, and..."

She- he began to laugh, and he tried to hide it a little bit. Just like before. It sent relief through me.

"I'm not a boy because I like baseball and wrestling you. I'm a boy, because that's how I feel in my heart. I'm still the same person."

"The same? Are you going to dress differently? Cut your hair? Stop using your perfume? I like-" Crap, what was I about to say? That I like his perfume? I like to smell you, you smell like roses and peaches.

"No, none of that is going to change. Not for now. I'm really still the same person. Aurelia dresses however she wants, she says she likes women's clothes, and so do I. I realized that. I don't have to dress a certain way just because I'm a boy. They're just, well, clothes. I can wear a skirt and still be a boy." He paused. That smile was back. "You like my perfume?"

"Uh... Yeah." Oops.

"Then, of course I'll keep wearing it."

It was dark in here, so maybe he couldn't see me blushing. I gave a long sigh, holding him tighter. So, nothing was really changing. Just the context in which I saw him. He still liked the same things, liked the same clothes, was even going to wear the same perfume.

"It's okay with me, my Sakura. You can be who you want to be. I'm still your best friend in the world."

He held me tighter, too. "I think you mean, 'my Hiroki', now," he said, a bit muffled against my neck.

Crap. I did. "Oops. I meant, 'Hiroki'."

He giggled that same giggle. I chuckled with him. Such strange happiness.

I realized later that night, as I held him in my bed, the extent of his rebellion. Now he wasn't going home for the night, most likely causing his parents to go crazy again. After telling him that he was getting married, he'd gone over to a boy's house and was now spending the night at that same boy's house.

The enormity of his confession to me. How would his parents react? He sounded very serious about his plan. He was going to do it. If there was one thing I knew about him, it was his stubbornness. It was well hidden to others, but it was coming out more and more lately. Really, over the last year. He'd been planning this for about a year. Was it because of his plan? Was he feeling more confident?

The only thing I realized that I felt about this situation was pride. Pride for him. So proud that he was being himself. Rebelling against the system which would make him a slave, never able to make his own choices, not even about the clothes he wore or how he could wear his hair...or who he wanted or didn't want to marry.

I held him tighter as he slept, this time for a different reason than to protect him. I realized, I didn't need to protect him anymore. He was finally protecting himself, stepping up. It was everything I wanted for him, since the beginning. He was finally saying no, choosing for himself. Taking ownership of his life.

He was finally being the self that I hoped he would be, but in a way I never imagined he could. And that just made me... It made me the most proud of anyone I'd ever been in my life.